• Most outrageous / unbelievable lies
• Most offensive / dangerous lies
• Most "adult meant it as genuine advice but it's laughably out of touch" lies
• Lies you wish you still believed
• Lies you took as truth and didn't question it until you were way too old

my father said you are gay if you don't like sports and you read books.

Turns out it was just a coincidence

My mom used to say that if I didn't eat soup I'd get a hole in my stomach

Hard work will always lead to success, which is why anyone can be president.

Some really solid teachers in high school were able to cover why that was bullshit just by proper framing of the material.

I was told if you hit a girl you can make it so she can never have kids.

Like if you hit her any type of way. Punch in the arm, slap in the face, kick to the back of the knee…

Of course you should never hit anyone. But I was told this in elementary school and I can’t imagine a hit to the lower abdomen by a boy her age causing that kind of damage to the uterus or ovaries.

Conversely girls that age are taught it’s okay to hit or kick a boy in the balls. Which doesn’t cause sterility.

She was putting into the soup the antidote to the poison your father was using to kill you. Good thing you ate the soup.

I was little and going through that "ask an unending stream of questions to figure out how the world works / determine the limits of your parent's patience" phase. At one point during this my mother, who had up until this point used this as an opportunity to teach me how to research things and overall handled it with grace, began to hit her limit. And so one fine morning when I had perkily jammed myself underneath the toilet in a way that startled the living daylights out of her when she came in and I asked how toilets worked, she said in great exasperation "toilet gnomes, and you shouldn't be down there bothering them". This of course made perfect sense to me - someone had to crew the little boat, and humans would never fit in there.

I maintain to this day that it was an act of class solidarity that I shouldn't be mocked for when, several days later, she found me pooping in the yard because I "didn't want the gnomes to work too hard".

Things can only get better.

The classic "if you eat watermelon seeds, one will grow in your stomach."

By your father’s standards, I am gay.

• Hard work
• Luck
• Generational Wealth

Pick 2 for success.

Bumblebees don’t sting.

I have to give mom a pass for this one, though. The bumblebees in our yard were huge. It kept me from freaking out, which was probably for the best. Unfortunately, I believed it into my 40s, and repeated it a few times.

"I will love you no matter what"

That changed real fuckin fast when i came out as trans

used to take me to church twice a week, so there is that

I don't like sports, but I don't like books either.

Am I bi?

Most outrageous / unbelievable lies

Jesus is god

Most offensive / dangerous lies

Republicans want what is best for the country too.
The world / USA fought the Nazis because of how evil they are
The KKK / Neonazis / White Supremacists are in the past.

Most “adult meant it as genuine advice but it’s laughably out of touch” lies

Work hard and stay loyal and you will progress in your career.

Lies you wish you still believed

Uncle ... is just old-fashioned.

Lies you took as truth and didn’t question it until you were way too old

The ultra wealthy work so hard to create jobs for everyone else

With liberty and and justice for all.

We can't play in the park / eat McDonald's/ go to the arcade right now. It's closed for renovations.

The USA is the land of the free

It's not that I don't like sports, I don't understand it.

There seems to be plenty of money in the sport. Why can't they just BUY another ball and give one ball to BOTH teams?

Oh it was not super effective in getting me to eat my soup as a kid :3

I like soup now tho

1. there is a god

2. race is a biological reality

3. men and women are fundamentally different

4. Just world theory

5. America is a force for good in the world

6. The Enlightenment makes Western culture superior

7. The post-war boom where a single income could buy a hose/ car/ and college was a universal reality and not exclusive to white men.

8. Guns make you safe.

daddy*

Dogs get diarrhea if you pull their tails.

• It's illegal to turn the interior light on in the car while driving.
• If you make that face, it'll stay like that.
• Sitting too close to the TV will give you square eyes
• If you lie, you get spots on your tongue (would then ask to show you your tongue when they asked you if you telling the truth)
• The Square box in that corner (the maximize window button on a PC) is a camera and we can watch what you do.

that's pretty funny tho

I vividly remember my dad telling me football was "too complicated" to explain and so I just assumed it was some mystical unknowable sport and checked out of any conversation involving it.

It wasn't until I was like 25 that I put any effort into understanding the sport and like... He could have just told me "we want the guys in blue to get the ball and run to the other side" and then we could have bonded over that. Weird thing to be lazy about as a dad.

My parents were super against lying to kids. We'd hear parents in front of us at mcdonalds tell their kids they couldn't have french fries because they were all out and we'd ask "is that true?" And mom and dad would assure us no, it's not true, those parents are just afraid of telling their kids no.

I remember realizing at like 8 that "don't swallow gum because it can't be digested and will just accumulate in your gut" can't be true.

How’s your liver?

"When you grow up, you can be anything you want to be."

I wanna be a homeowner. 🫩

So... The tail is the lever of a diarrhea dispenser?

Sorry that happened, mate. One of our older kids is gay. Our 16 year old is non-binary. I don't give a shit as long as they are able to thrive without assholes standing in their way. They are always welcome in my home along with any partners they find happiness with. I'm sorry I can’t be that for every child who lost the people who were supposed to have their back no matter what.

When I was between 10-12 years old, I attended a family celebration at my grandparents' house. I walked into one of the side rooms where my uncle was chilling by himself on a couch, and I noticed something shiny in the upper corner of the window. I took a closer look and found a wad of aluminum foil smashed into the corner against the window pane and it was somehow affixed there. I pointed to it and asked my uncle what the purpose of it was. He replied, "Papa and Nana believe in aliens. They put that up there so if an alien ship fires a laser at the house, it'll reflect back at the ship." And for some reason, I just believed his sarcastic nonsense. I believed my grandparents were alien fanatics well into my teens.

Practically every sport can be boiled down to “2 groups of people disagreeing where a ball should go”.

Oh boy, where do I start? I was raised by racist crack and meth addicts in the rural southern US.

Black people hate white people.

Black people are trying to replace white people on a genetic level (Great Replacement Theory).

Black people have smaller skulls and thus, smaller brains than white people, which makes them more ape-like and prone to aggression.

Black people are taller, run faster, and jump higher than white people because they have three extra muscles in their knee area. Basketball was a white people's sport before they set the slaves free.

Black people drink and play loud music all the time because "that's their culture".

All black people are lazy moochers who cheat the welfare system for free money to drink and smoke crack all day because they feel entitled to it after slavery.

Black people actually liked slavery back in the day because they had a decent, simple life. Many of them begged to go back to the plantations after they were freed because they had nowhere else to go.

The world was a better place when black people were slaves because at least then, they worked. Now, you have them all sitting around, collecting welfare, having white people pay their bills for them. If you think about it, white people are the slaves now.

Just a little crack is fine, as long as you're not an addict like those black people.

Beer is for white people. It doesn't get you too drunk so you can still go to work. Black people don't work, that's why they drink liquor.

Birds have wings because they're supposed to fly, that's what they do. Women have wombs because they're supposed to have babies, that's what they do.

Men are supposed to have as many babies as possible because God says to be fruitful and multiply. But women are only supposed to have their husband's babies to keep the bloodline pure.

I'm sure there are more, those are just the ones I haven't repressed.

Lucky you. I always got told we couldn't go because I was bad for [insert any completely normal behavior here].

Not me, but my partner’s: just walk around handing out your cv and if your handshake is good you’ll have a job by next week. During the 2008 recession. Yeah… sure…

Solid reference

I spent years wondering about the mystery behind the Bermuda triangle. What could it possibly be? Aliens?? Dinosaurs???

Turns out it all was just a hoax.

Yea same here, my mother told me that she will never be able to come to terms with my #decision

Driving without shoes will get you arrested.

In high school you'll be required to use nothing but cursive all the time.

My parents told me when I was a kid "If you light the spray from a can of WD40 to make a flamethrower, the fumes will make you wet your pants."

My parents were just trying to keep me from playing with fire.

Idk, in golf and bowling everyone seems to be agreement about where the ball should go, if not who should successfully get it there.

My sister had a practical joke to use on her daughter. When she was only a toddler, she kept saying in conversation that Jessica Simpson was OJ Simpson's daughter. Not all the time, just when it came up. We all thought it was hilarious, and it's pretty minor. The idea is that one day, her daughter will say it to someone else and get corrected.

Then the ease of fact checking that online made it impractical.

Then someone we never counted on - that daughter, being in high school, didn't know or care about either of those people. They don't come up in ANY conversations between high school kids. Or even us, at that point. One day, my sister brought it up and the kid goes "who?" And it dawned on her that it would never pay off. She told her and it was just an awkward silence followed by "um, ok?" Or something like that.

I guess the joke is on my sister for getting old?

They are pretty docile as long as you don't trap them against your skin or threaten their hive. They will bump you if they want you to leave, though.

Yeah! And why don‘t they ever get it right? Something always goes wrong and they have to do it all over again next year.