This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2026-08-12 04:02:03+00:00.

---

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/kegai_cobrakaiat

My [30F] mom [65F] was responsible for my dog being killed. Then it got worse. Don't know how to handle this situation.

TRIGGER WARNING: Dog hit by car

Original Post  May 4, 2016

I'm really struggling here--especially with Mother's Day just up ahead and everything, I could use some help.

I got my dog (golden/lab mix) in 2008 when she was a puppy. The last year I have been moving and traveling, and my mom lives alone, and has a big backyard, and she offered to take the Dog in. Dog was an INCREDIBLY well-behaved girl because I worked really hard training her. My whole life we had dogs but they were never trained properly and left in the backyard. I remember my mom always getting frustrated with the dogs because they handled so poorly on a leash or jumped on people, etc because none of the adults in our family took the time to train. When I got Dog, I swore I'd have one of those dogs you saw in the movies.

So, Dog was great off leash, she would stay by my side and knew all level of commands after years of work. When I left her with my mom, I was incredibly anxious, because I knew I had a firmer hand than my mom as far as discipline and knew my dog had a certain relationship with me that she might not have with others, so I made it EXPLICITLY clear to her to always have Dog on a leash, even though everyone in my family knew she was great off leash (not on walks or in the park, I'm talking just in the front yard or something) but I was always nervous and hyper aware of other dogs and other people/cars/etc and was quick to get to Dog or command her back in the house, etc.

I remember when I came home to visit for Christmas, and saw Dog and how happy she was (my mom too! She loved Dog) but saw my mom having her off leash while she made trips to and from the car. I put Dog on a leash and told her "I know she doesn't run off or anything, but you just never know. Haha, I mean, is that a phone call you want to make to me? Haha." And she agreed--Dog always on a leash.

Well, I did get a phone call a few days ago. Which I knew to be serious, since mom only calls when it's serious. It was simply my mom's sobbing voice saying "Dog has passed. It's already over. I'm so sorry." I couldn't process, but I KNEW how, and I told my mom I'd call her back. I cried. Called some friends. Waited a few hours while I processed and called her back. My mom told me my worst fear, "You were right. I should have had her on a leash. I'm so sorry. I was cleaning up the front yard and she was just by my side. Then she saw a big dog across the street and just bolted! And the car hit her. I took her to the vet but they lost her. I was supposed to protect her and I didn't. I'm so so sorry. Please forgive me."

The whole time my mom was crying, I knew she loved that dog too, and the guilt... I can't even imagine how difficult that call was. She also had to call my bro and sis, sis in particular was very attached to Dog and would take her camping/hiking/swimming when she had the time.

So I told her, "I forgive you. It's okay. I love you. I gotta go." and hung up. A few texts back and forth, my mom telling me how hard it is coming home to an empty house and me just being sorta numb. She texted asking if I wanted the body to be buried or cremated. I texted back cremated and she said okay.

I wasn't angry, just incredibly sad and depressed about the whole thing. This was five days ago.

Well, I didn't call my mom or get a chance to see her. She also didn't call, or text besides an occasional "how are you doing?" which I would reply "as well as can be, etc." I didn't get any texts/phone calls from my siblings.

I was on Facebook yesterday when I saw my sister make a big dramatic post about Dog, along with my brother, his GF and her kids, my mom and my sister all spreading ashes on the beach.

I can't even describe how devastated I felt. It was like I got punched in the heart. I called my mom and that's when the anger came through. I asked what the hell they were doing, and my mom was stunned and stammered they were just spreading Dog's ashes. I demanded to know why I wasn't notified they were doing this and my mom replied that it "just sorta happened" and that my bro went with her to pick up the urn and sis happened to be home and they all were talking about it and "sis was just so devastated, she needed some closure before going back to college, etc" I could tell my mom knew she fucked up, but she had no explanation why I wasn't texted/called/fucking ANYTHING regarding this. I felt like a crazy person because it was just this circular "I don't know" over and over again from her. I feel so hurt and disrespected. I asked if they kept any ashes and my mom quietly said "No." I hung up.

She's texted me and called multiple times, but I haven't answered. I am so beyond, beyond hurt and angry. I've never lost something so dear to me, so I have no idea how rational I am, I understand it's "just a dog" but she wasn't. She was my friend, I raised her, trained her, took her with me everywhere and it was just this last year I didn't feel it was fair to her to travel so much with her and I trusted her with my mom and this all happened. I don't even know how to process.

I don't know where to go from here. I really don't. I can't even look at my phone because of all the guilty/apologizing texts. I just want to be left alone, but I also don't want my mom to hurt but I'm so confused as to why she would do this or what possible logic she could have. Advice would be appreciated...

tl;dr: Mom was dog-watching my dog and had her off leash after I told her not to do so. Dog was hit by a car and killed. Then my family took her ashes without me and spread them on the beach. Found out on Facebook. Trouble processing.

Edit: For questions in the comments (and thank you to everyone replying, I'm reading every one) Yes, I live about 30 miles away and while I don't have a car, I would have taken a cab or a bus if need be to attend any sort of ceremony. The rest of my family all live within a mile of each other and Sis goes to college in the same town they do. I tried asking why I wasn't invited or even notified but my mom wouldn't give me any response to this question which is why I'm so angry/hurt/confused.

Edit 2: Just received an email from my mom. I haven't responded.

Dear---, I know you are grieving and can’t talk to me right now, and I understand that. I know it’s my fault and I thank you for not saying it is, but you would be right to do so and if you did that would be okay too.

I can’t forgive myself, so I understand if you can’t forgive me right now. You trusted me with your dog and I let you both down. It never should have happened – I knew better. You told me never let her in the front yard without a leash. Just 30 seconds was all it took. If I had just turned back a split second earlier, she would have followed me.

I will relive it over and over in my head for as long as I breathe.

She was such a big part of everyone’s life – we all have memories – it is unbearable to me that she is gone. I just loved her so much. We all did. I didn’t even realize how much I talked to her until the house was empty. I can’t sleep in the bedroom. I can’t be in the backyard and see her toys. I have no reason to go home anymore.

But she was YOUR baby. You picked her out, you raised her, you trained her and she was always so HAPPY to see you! She was so special in every way. If I had just let her go back to you, she would be here, but you generously let her be with me. I’m so sorry and there is nothing I can do to make anything better.

I am so SO sorry about the spreading of the ashes, I had NO RIGHT to do that. None of us did. I don't have any explanation other than we were all emotional. I don't have the words to express how sorry we all are.

I don’t want sympathy – I’m not feeling sorry for myself – I am feeling sorry for how I failed all of you, but especially you and Dog. I deserve every minute of this pain.

But you don’t, and that I will regret eternally.

I love you, Mom

Update  May 5, 2016 (Next Day)

Thank you to everyone who left a comment and who also told their stories of their own pet loss situations. I read every one.

I don't know if anyone cares for an update, but I have one.

To answer questions, I did send my mom $100 a week for food/toys/flea meds and also paid any unexpected vet bills (Dog was prone to ear infections). Since traveling has died down a lot for me for work, I told my mom earlier this year I could take her back anytime, especially if she needed a break, but I think my mom really dragged her feet since she loved Dog so much. I liked that my mom had someone in the house with her, especially a bigger dog who could alert her to things outside, etc, and help her exercise with walking. There wasn't any urgent need to get her back ASAP but I was ready/willing to. I did also visit when I could, at least once or twice a month for dinners/movies/etc.

So, update. My brot...

---

Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1vm3ieq/my_30f_mom_65f_was_responsible_for_my_dog_being/

So, update. My brother called me in the afternoon yesterday, after my mom had sent the email. He's 28, a weightlifting bartender 'dude-bro' kinda guy, and it was really hard on him when it all happened since his mom, little sister and girlfriend (and her two little kids) were around when all this happened and they were all upset and crying. He called to ask how I was doing and to let me know he was sorry because it was just really overwhelming and he had no idea what to do. My mom was a TOTAL mess on the day, and my brother left work early to be there for her. His GF was also in the picture since (I didn't know this) his GF and her kids were playing in the backyard at my mom's when all this happened. GF heard my mom screaming and helped get Dog into the car.

Bro let me know that it was Sis who was adamant they hold some type of impromptu ceremony after they received the ashes a few days later. He and my mom both brought up me, but she'd stated that it was "obvious" I wanted time alone and that "these types of things" upset me so it was best to do it just them. Then she started crying and I guess that made everyone cave.

Apparently it was a 'group' cremation, which I didn't know was a thing, I assumed it would be individual, like with people. That knowledge sorta helped me since it didn't feel like it was 'exclusively' Dog, which might sound weird, I don't know.

On the day, my Bro called the vet and asked about the pawprint thing, like they make a cast of it or something. The vet said my mom had opted out, but my brother asked if it was too late. They said it wasn't, so he said please do that. I don't blame my mom for opting out, she wasn't in the best headspace and we've had morbid conversations before where she has said things like that creep her out and upset her. But my brother thought of me and thought I might like it (I would) so, I really appreciated that he did that.

Now for the weird part. Apparently at the beach, my Sis (who is 20) took a lot of pictures and also used Snapchat and Instagram, which my Bro knows since she was bitching about the lack of signal. He got angry but didn't say anything since he didn't feel it was appropriate.

I asked about the Instagram, since I wasn't aware she had one. He texted me her account and holy shit. There were four posts about Dog's death and from the beach, more pictures than I'd seen on Facebook. Apparently my sis is popular on campus and has thousands of followers on Instagram. Not only did she post about Dog's death with big descriptions and photos, she also straight up stole seven pictures I had uploaded to my own Facebook over the years. Like when Dog was a puppy, or in training classes, or chillin' on the couch. Photos I took before Sis had even met her! She stole them from my Facebook, slapped a shitty filter on it and claimed it as her own on her Instagram and put these big descriptions and hashtags to them. A lot of you guys guessed it, she did it for the 'likes' or comments whatever. OR I'm being incredibly angry and not realizing this is how she grieves? I have no idea. It just left me feeling hurt and creeped out. I thanked him for calling me and told him I'd text him later but that I just needed some space. He said no problem, and he'd let me know when he could get the paw print to me.

I called my mom after I spoke with Bro, and told her I got her email. She cried again and apologized, it was tough to listen to. She told me she bought a peony to plant in the garden in the backyard in Dog's memory, but that it was too hard for her right now to do so since the backyard is emotional for her at the moment.

I asked if she wanted to do any Mother's Day things this Sunday and she said she hadn't even thought of Mother's Day, and that she didn't really feel like 'celebrating'. She asked if I wanted to do something for Dog this weekend, like maybe plant the peony, but I said I didn't feel comfortable with having Mother's Day associated with that sort of thing, it was kinda a downer. She asked if there was anything else I wanted to do and I told her the truth, that I didn't feel like doing anything either and that I kinda needed some space. She said she understood and that we can always do something later to make up for it.

I didn't say anything about ashes, or Sis and her Instagram or that whole thing, it wasn't brought up at all, other than my mom being sorry for "everything". Not sure if I should mention Sis, I think my mom would get upset all over again, but then, I'm not sure if this is just how 'that generation' grieves or something. My sis is incredibly hard to read, but we never have gotten along since she's very extroverted and opinionated and I'm... less so. I have no idea the next time I will see Sis, or how I'll react when I do so... Yeah, it'll be interesting. We were already low contact since we don't have a lot in common and she works/goes to school away from me. Not sure what to do about that... Sis turns 21 in June and before all this happened my mom asked what big present we should get her. Ugh.

tl;dr: Reconnected with Bro and Mom for the better, let them both know I needed space but would contact them in the near future. Turns out Sis used photos/the death for her Instagram and Snapchat, but not sure if it's grief or attention. Incredibly angry but haven't done or said anything.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

Sister is on the shit list for rest of life. Like seriously who holds a service when the primary person is not there. 0 chance ill cave