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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/JoySubtraction on 2026-08-14 13:41:25+00:00.

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Note: Marked as inconclusive since it's been half a year and OOP has not made a post-wedding update.

I am not the OOP, OOP is u/IsThisIdeaGoodIdk

Originally posted to r/aitaweddings

tw: References to sexual assault, nonconsensual pornography

Original post posted 2026-01-25

My brother and I are 9 years apart and we were never close. I never really understood why, but my parents would always say we’d get closer as we got older. That never happened.

I have no memories of him at all from my childhood, and every time I’m forced to interact with him now as an adult he’s a total asshole. He’ll gaslight me, never apologize even when he’s clearly in the wrong, and my parents just wave off his behavior as a personality quirk.

A couple years ago, his (now ex) partner of over 10 years accused him of sexual assault and filming her (and other women) having sex with him without her consent. These accusations horrified me. She was part of our family for most of my life and while we weren’t close, she always was very sweet and kind to me (unlike him). The civil suit is still ongoing between them as far as I know.

I am having an extremely intimate wedding of 35 guests. I did invite my brother, but he never RSVP’d. When I told my parents he never RSVP’d (it was now nearly 2 months passed the deadline), they reached out to him, and he reached out to me. He blamed me for him not RSVPing, said the process had been too confusing (even though he never reached out with questions and every other guest managed to RSVP just fine) and he demanded a plus 1 for his girlfriend of 6 months who is over 10 years younger than him (and 3 months pregnant apparently)…

I put my foot down and said no. I don’t want him there. My friends know how uncomfortable he makes me and initially my parents said while they were sad, that they would ultimately respect my choice.

Now, with about two months until my wedding, they have changed their minds. They won’t come unless he does. I am heartbroken.

They say I am being immature and disinviting him is a bridge too far. I am not a parent, but I am trying to see their perspective. But I just can’t shake how they always seem to minimize my emotions and make me the problem, even on my wedding day. Am I being unreasonable?

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Some relevant comments by OOP:

1

Harbor house has insane fees. I’m getting married in less than a month so I’ll report back if it was worth it or not 😅 for reference, guest count is 33, getting married on a weekday in March, and negotiated the hell out of them and it’s $60k for just the venue, catering, and lodging inclusive of all fees

2

That’s not the estimated cost for the entire wedding—that’s just the venue/lodging/food/beverage. But them paying is why I don’t feel comfortable “uninviting” them.

Lofty_quackers

NTA Your parents are yet again putting him before you. You should not have people at your wedding that make you uncomfortable.

I'm sorry your parents hurt you yet again.

Elegant_Straw

NTA Enjoy your wedding without them. They don’t get to make demands on who gets invited especially when the person in question is a sexual predator too lazy to even bother to RSVP.

Update posted 2026-02-26

TLDR: Parents threatened not to come to my wedding if my brother (older, estranged, accused of sexual assault) couldn’t come.

So, we scheduled a family therapy session: my parents and my fiance and I. It went… horribly. I calmly explained that I expected my feelings and comfort would be prioritized on my wedding day. My mom, very calmly, said “you were wrong”.

It spiraled from there. My parents called me selfish, entitled, my decision was disrespectful to them, they didn’t hold back. My fiance and I kept our composure and remained calm. They raised their voices and started mocking my therapist at one point. My mom even said my attention to all the little wedding details “didn’t bode well for my marriage”.

Honestly this comment sticks with me the most. I am extremely detail oriented, it’s one of the things I love about myself. It’s something important for my job, and it’s important for all my hobbies, so it felt extremely personal.

After the therapy session, I texted every single member of my extended family who is coming to the wedding and let them know that my parents may not be coming to my wedding and the reason why. The outpouring of support I received was overwhelming and touched my heart. They assured me they were coming to my wedding for my fiance and I, not my parents or brother. I’ve never been super close with my cousins/aunts, but I’ve been following up and checking in with them more often now.

About a week later, my mom called me and said they decided they wanted to come. My dad made it clear he was going "to support his wife" and that I "ruined this experience" for them. So that was fun to hear.

My wedding is in two weeks... I am praying for no drama but at this point, I've accepted that I can't control what they do. I'm still hyped to get married and see all my friends/extended family. My in laws have really stepped up, my future mother in law checks in every week to see how I'm doing. My mom hasn't checked in. I'll let y'all know how the wedding goes!

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Editor's note: OOP saw the post and comments, and has posted an update!

Final update posted 2026-08-14

Hey y’all :)

I’m back!!

As a precaution, a few days before the wedding I sent my venue some press my brother was featured in (his ex called him a rapist in a national publication) where his photo was shown so they knew to watch out for him and what he looked like.

At the end of the day, I was 95% sure he wouldn’t come. Growing up, he would never show up to events I WANTED him to attend, and my wedding was in an extremely remote location anyway so I felt I had sufficient insurance.

And I was right :) he never showed.

Most of my stress was centered around my parents. I was concerned that they would cause some kind of scene, but they were pretty withdrawn the whole day. But at every moment I was lowkey terrified they would do something. When I finally took my wedding dress off I was covered in hives. So that was fun.

But honestly, looking at the pictures of the day, I look happy and relaxed. I absolutely love our pictures, every vendor did a phenomenal job, and I look back with mostly fond memories.

Where my parents and I stand now:

Weird. Before the wedding, I honestly would have thought they were my best friends. I felt like I could tell them anything.

Therapy didn’t last long, but in our final session I let my mom know that I felt like fundamentally, they treated my brother and I very differently. Where they expected me to show up early, they were just happy if he showed up at all. If I’d gotten pregnant at 25 to a man 11 years older than me on a first date, not 5 years after graduating an Ivy League school they paid full price for, I KNEW they would not be excited for me. But for him, they were delighted.

My brother and his fiancée ended up getting married only a day or two after me, in a nearby city, by a justice of the peace. My parents attended but to my knowledge it was extremely small. She was 6 or 7 months pregnant at this point.

I feel like the best friends I thought I had in my parents are now people with whom I have major value differences. I don’t know how to reconcile the people I grew up with with the people who’ve been shitty to me the last 9 months.

I don’t really call or text them anymore. Maybe that will change, idk.

About the money:

A lot of people called out the cost of my wedding, how my parents paid therefore could call the shots, etc.

I will be honest: my parents are very wealthy (low 8 figure net worth). The amount they paid for my wedding literally meant nothing financially to them. Beyond this, I often wrestled with the concept that they paid therefore it was “their party”.

But that concept is so gross to me. If I threw my friend a bday party, it would be SO SHITTY of me to invite someone they had a horrible relationship with. Even if I paid for every single thing, I would never do that to a friend.

I said as much to my parents. I underscored that if I had known my wedding budget hinged on my brothers attendance, I would never have accepted a dime. They agreed putting conditions on the money retroactively was unfair.

Anyway. Married life is great, my husband is amazing, and I appreciate every single comment. I read them all. Can’t believe so many people cared!

Dang if money wasnt on the table if cut them off completely. Id go low contact because being the good the child when parents only care about the bad one doesn't pay in long run.