I'm going to preface this rant into the void with the info that everything I'm going through is by choice purely because I know it won't last forever. It fucking sucks, but I definitely think I'll say it was worth it later in life.

Back in May, I found out my doctor had been doing my cyproterone way too high, so I had absolutely no measureable testosterone in my system, so I was told to stop taking it for a few weeks so production could kickstart again, then we'd reintroduce it at an appropriate dose. During those weeks, my wife and I found out the price of the legal process to use a sperm donor was going to be astronomical, and entirely upfront, so the decision was made for me to stay off cyproterone and after some tests see if I'd need to get off estradiol and progesterone as well. Some of the tests have been done now, but we're still waiting on others, and I'm in a holding pattern of taking estradiol and progesterone and no androgen suppression.

Man symptoms started reemerging a month or 2 ago, and I just feel like I'm living life under a suffocating blanket now. I had the full effects of HRT and felt more alive and happy with myself than ever, but now it feels like the real me has been ripped away. I get days where it's basically impossible to avoid going into a blind rage over the smallest thing. I can't tuck anymore because I need to be making sperm, but my wardrobe has almost entirely shifted to form fitting clothes, so the evidence of my junk being wrong is very in my face all damn day when clothes used go magically make it go poof and now genital dysphoria is a constant companion. I feel like a goddamn wookiee with how dark and fast my body and facial hair is growing again after laser got it to the point where I could go 2 or 3 days without shaving. One of the worst effects is that I can't enjoy what had become my favourite past times in reading and crocheting because my ADHD is presenting male typical symptoms again and my ability to focus is completely shot. My emotional state is constantly hanging by a fucking thread, and I'm just fucking exhausted all the fucking time.

I could have avoided all this had I just frozed some goddamn sperm before I got a vasectomy, but I was a goddamn moron who didn't realize being a mom was not only an option, but something I'd want.

My wife works in a daycare, and we're in the age bracket where friends are having kids, so lately she's been hearing about people getting pregnant or having babies a lot and thinking when will it be my turn, and not to belittle her problems, but I'm dealing with that question both with having a baby and with my medical transition. I see posts of people getting the results they wanted from HRT, and I want to just be happy for y'all, but the brain gremlins saying I was already getting those effects or was close to them, and now everything is in reverse come to the front and I just get upset because I'm not where I want to be. The steps towards motherhood are proving very difficult for us and our relationship is taking a beating because of it. I'm not really worried about a breakup, especially seeing as we both know my current struggles will come to an end, but we had like, half a fight in 10 years, and now we're snapping at eachother, then apologizing, semi regularly.

TLDR make sure you set yourself up to never need to come off HRT once you start, because it fucking sucks to have the weight of the wrong sex characteristics lifted from you only to have them slammed back down.

ouuuu :(
i wish you all the best. hopefully you get to be back on your usual meds soon and become a mom. :)

I’m so sorry that you have to go through that. Sending virtual hugs. 🫂

I wish you the best of luck with the project of getting a child!

It's also a fantastic thing you chose to write this here. It helps you handle the situation 💛

ouch. i feel for you. i'm currently in a similar situation, just at the beginning of it. i want to start taking estrogen but i want to freeze some sperm first, and due to technical, legal, and other reasons, it's gonna take months to do this, as i need doctor's approvement ... patience is a virtue, i'd say.