I told Justin if he didn't behave, he'd have to sleep in the garage again. He's only four, but he has to learn.

It's trickier for me when my naming system is a bit different.

"Admiral Fluffybreeches refused to take his bath, the other night."

Goddammit Peter! Quit sniffing her butt!

I caught David humping his sister again.

Billy took to pissing all over the walls, so we had to have him killed.

I had to pry [Jennifer] out from between the couch cushions where she wedged herself the other day

(True story about our ball python)

So... your kid's name is Admiral Fluffybreches?

Be humane... say "euthanized"

Ellie hates it when I express her anal glands, but I can't stand to be around her when she backed up.

Elon?

"Michael keeps shitting on the floor!"

Danny's eating his shit again. I can't wait until he grows out of that.

Haha, I specifically bought a couch with removable cushions because of this.

They’re supposed to grow out of that?

Sorry, Tina is missing since this morning and i have to leave early to find her.

get home, shake snacks package, Tina appear out of nowhere

That's why I always assume people are talking about their dogs.

Sam just graduated from college and Mary is finishing high school

Me: wow, they have to be so smart! What breed are they?

Is this a distant relation of Lady Fuzzypants, who, after summer, often needs assistance with seeds and twigs caught in her hair?

Barold (Barry for short) spent the entire day trying to eat a mouse

Paul climbed on top of the refrigerator and he keeps hissing at me every time I open the freezer.

Paul? What a ridiculous name for a cat.

1. When they get out of the house and you're screaming their name out on the street, a human name sounds like some terrible drama.

"Kelly! Kelly, come back! Come here, girl! Kelly, where are you? Kelly, I've got treats!"

Fenton!

That's a people name!

Username checks out, I guess, though I'm not sure how you're typing this or how you paid for the couch.

Taylor sounds controlling

My sister didn't really get the concept of names for pets when we were younger. We won some rabbits from a fair once and I named mine Licorice and she named hers Sarah. I'll never forget the horrified look on my friend's face when my mom once casually told my sister to, "Take some food out to Sarah's pen, she's been kicking at the bars all day!"

Reminds me of this Brooklyn Nine-Nine cold open about "Kelly".

"I wish I could lick my own balls like Bob can."

How dare you ask that!

Making up demon names is fun and whimsical. Neth'sin the Ethereal Tormentor likes chin scratches, will rip strangers to shreds, and sometimes defiles laundry.

Aww, I too had a bunny named Licorice.

My cousin's dog is named Grandpa and saying things like "I'm trying to get Grandpa not to lick his balls" or "Grandpa keeps eating shit in the backyard" just never is not funny

I love this! Thanks for sharing

I'm typing on my nice mechanical keyboard, as is standard for software developers.

Although getting new gigs has been hard recently. Potential employers always look so disappointed when I show up to job interviews.

I bet there are chuckles from people who know.

Every millenial ever: human names for pets, pet names for humans.

Dog:

Dave

Their literal son, fruit of their loins; their flesh and blood:

Rett

I do recall that my coworker's son got himself wedged between the stove and fridge, so #3 is plausible for Human-Jennifer.

Which reminds me... The best thing about giving your pet people names, is eventually somebody with that name will become a fixture in your life and then you get to refer to them as "Human Dave" and still call the pet Dave.

These are the Daves I know, I know
These are the Daves I know
These are the Daves I know, I know
These are the Daves I know

Human David Hoffman
He works in my dad's store
He's worked here for 12 years
He'll probably work here for more

These are the Daves I know, I know
These are the Daves I know
These are the Daves I know, I know
These are the Daves I know

Human Dave Gort
I've known since I was six
In grade eight he broke his leg
So we got drunk and sick

These are the Daves I know, I know
These are the Daves I know
These are the Daves I know, I know
These are the Daves I know

Some of them are Davids
[Human Dave Gort: But most of us are Human Daves]
They all have their own hands
But they come from different moms

These are the Daves I know, I know
These are the Daves I know
These are the Daves I know, I know
These are the Daves I know

Dave Jadiski
Man, this cat can swing
He weighs almost 50 pounds
And he delivers my paper on time

These are the Daves I know, I know
These are the Daves I know
These are the Daves I know, I know
These are the Daves I know

Human Dave Capisano
I hardly know him

These are the Daves I know, I know
These are the Daves I know
These are the Daves I know, I know
These are the Daves I know

I recently freed my 8 year old human child from a gap in the couch.

Marcus lost his shit again.

Dammit, I knew I forgot something.

Went on date last night. Ended up back at my place, had to put Dave in the yard he was being so hyper.