Point and laugh at these fools:

Programming is hard. So, instead of doing that, we vibe coded a new Epic Games Launcher that’s way faster and more responsive than the current one, and has a new look.

This first release is light on features. Think of it as a speedboat and not a yacht! Though it does have advanced digital commerce technology such as a shopping cart.

Thanks, Tim "AI-Generated CSAM Is Okay" Sweeney, for finally adding advanced digital commerce technology to your storefront in 2026.

More reason to stay with Steam

Though it does have advanced digital commerce technology such as a shopping cart.

Advanced digital commerce technology? What's Sweeney smoking? A shopping cart is a basic thing for a launcher.

we vibe coded a new Epic Games Launcher

I really should have stopped reading right here.

It's poking fun at the Epic Games Store, which launched as the most barebones piece of shit imaginable and didn't get basic features all online stores have had since the nineties until years after launch. The lack of a shopping cart was the most famous, and I'm half-convinced they only added one because people were getting locked out of their bank accounts (since you had to buy each item separately, the many transactions close together tripped some banks' anti-fraud heuristics).

They didn't learn anything from it either. Their mobile store launched years ago (and years after the PC one) and still doesn't even have a library. There's just the main store page listing every app they sell, and any you own will have the price replaced with a download icon. No sorting or filtering either, of course.

Me: Epic, you can't be THAT out of touch...

Epic: We think the reason why people prefer Steam over our launcher is because it loads faster than ours, so we vibe-coded a new one that loads fasters than Steam to make people come to us.

Me: ...

Yeah I use to defend playing free games on Epic but I won’t even do that now ..

Fuck Tim Sweeney and his tiny orange car

Omg, he's so fucking out of touch!
I stay with Steam because Gabe had never once fucked me over.
Epic, otoh... they're not as bad as EA or Ubi, but they /want/ to be, so I stay the fuck away.