I am finally here, I am finally giving in to the thing I've been ignoring and hiding from for two decades. Some of you may know me previously as @snotflickerman@lemmy.blahaj.zone. Which is fine, I don't intend to completely erase my old life (and god, snot is like one of my favorite usernames ever, it's so fucking stupid).

...but when I was diagnosed with cancer, my life really fell apart, and I lost, well, pretty much anything and everything that was really important to me. I am stuck in a place I don't want to be, with family I don't want to be with.

The thing is though, my issues with my family have almost nothing to do with my sexuality. My mother deeply regrets the things she did which stunted this part of me, and I'm not completely out to her yet (the talk is coming soon), she knows about my struggles with idea, we've talk about it extensively. I know I would have her support, even if she would probably struggle with gendering me correctly or remember my new name (she's 78, 5 months from 79, so I mean, I have to cut her some slack).

So, what's holding me back anymore? Nothing, really. That's why I'm here, new account, trying to embrace this, trying to not feel like I'm not enough or I don't deserve it like I've felt with everything in my life (I struggle with chronic depression). Trying to feel like for once I'm really doing something for me, not because I want to do something so someone will love me. I want to love me. I want to look in the mirror and see a smiling face, not this man's face that makes me feel ugly, and yet the same face, presented as a woman does not make me feel ugly.

I lost a lot of my close connections in the move to this hell-hole. So I really am starting over.

So like...

1. How do I make friends within this community. I've always had more lady friends than man friends, and it would really be nice to feel like I had "girlfriends." I was always jealous of the close connections women seemed to have, the warmth, the willingness to touch one another. Being a man is a touch starved experience, as it is hard to find other open men, and even with them the best you get is a hug greeting and a hug goodbye, not a snuggled on the couch eating ice cream crying at your favorite movie together.

2. How do I disentangle my digital life from my former one? I've always been a bit of a digital nomad, never sticking with one online persona too long, despite never changing my "voice" in terms of writing. But how do I make that shift easier? Separate Firefox profiles? I don't know, some of it feels like a lot of work to separate it all, especially when I don't actually know what I want my name to be or how much I want to keep of my old life stored away just for my own memories. Just because I hate old photos of myself doesn't mean I hate photos of my friends and remember good times with them, you know? Especially friends who you know would accept you as who you are before and after, or have already proven that by doing so.

3. I've hated my name my whole life, for reasons entirely unrelated to my gender. So why is it still all these years later a struggle to even begin to think about what I would choose to call myself? Any tips on feeling more comfortable in choosing a name? I honestly feel stupid for not having figured out something by now because I should have changed my name once by now already instead of living with the name of a fucking con-man (and eventually, one of the worst people alive, after he got famous).

4. Does anyone else deal with or have advice dealing with like I don't know how to describe it other than "impostor syndrome." I say that because it's the same set of feelings I have when I am experiencing impostor syndrome when it comes to my skill set in the workplace. I guess I've always felt that way about this, and it's the hardest part to shake, which kills me because philosophically I know that gender isn't something you have a "skillset" for... and anyway if that was the case why did the first time I ever put on a pair of heels I just knew how to run in them, run up and down stairs in them, how to strut in them... so I shouldn't be feeling this anyway because some of this stuff does come naturally to me. Same with makeup, first time I did it, I just went for it, didn't follow a guide, and thankfully my skills in art helped pay off because it actually didn't look completely fucking terrible. (I'm skeptical of "guides" because I'm colorblind and I need a friend to really help me with that, so they can show me specifically what actually looks good outwardly based on my skin tone, etc. Like am I an "autumn?" fuck if I know!)

5. I live in Washington state and the goal is to end up somewhere less shitty, with probable places being Bellingham, Everett, Tacoma, Olympia(Seattle's too big for me, nice to visit, would hate to live there). All places with pretty decently sized LGBTQ+ communities which would make it easier to make connections. But like... is there a "network" of trans women supporting each other? Like do we have our own "Black Panthers" working for and protecting our communities? (...and if they don't call themselves Pink Panthers they're missing golden opportunity). Like, are we building communities where we can support one another because we cannot count on the government to support us? I know there's websites and forums... but I mean like groups that are active away from their keyboards.

And I want to end this with something that I've been thinking about in regards to the community, because things can be hard sometimes and so much is so invalidating. I read a post recently where someone said they felt like they were drowning in sorrow reading one of our communities, which is fair, but also makes me want to commit to adding positive messages for us.

One thing that helps me feel more comfortable in my gender: Focus on your strengths, and draw other's focus to your strengths. Do you have killer legs and nice feet (like me, being conceited for once)? Draw attention to them, make people focus on your best assets, wear short skirts, stiletto heels, and anything that makes your legs look good. You have a crazy seductive voice? Become a motormouth, let everyone hear it, make sure you give yourself chances to sound extra sexy while actually not talking about anything sexy at all. Have amazing hair? Go crazy with it, get big hair, make your beautiful head of hair the focus (so jealous, I'm probably stuck wearing wigs until I die, already very bald), people like me would kill for hair like that. The thing is, we all have small advantages, things that instantly make us feminine, and it helps to draw our own focus to them as well as draw others focus to them.

We all, whether we think we do or not, have assets, parts of us that we can and should feel good about, even though it can be hard. The thing is, we all have small advantages, things that instantly make us feminine, and it helps to draw our own focus to them as well as draw others focus to them. I'm six feet tall, I wear size 12.5 in women's but I fell in love with wearing heels instantly (I've walked on the balls of my feet since I was a child to be more quiet, so its like second nature anyway), and I'm not going to let my height get in the way of the fact that it makes me feel good and part of the reason it makes me feel good is because it's validating to have at least that one thing that makes me super feminine. I hope all you gals can find it in yourselves to find that one thing you can put your finger on that makes you feel feminine and cozy and comfortable in your own skin. For me at least, it's a massive help, and I hope that maybe it can be a help to some of you as well.

Try to find something to smile about today dears. I'm smiling because I'm finally exploring being me, and it's enough to outweigh the other things that weigh on me. All I hope for all of you is you find a slice of joy for yourselves.

Sorry for the fucking novel, sweethearts. If you made it this far, hugs and kisses! xoxoxoxo

1. Im not good at online friends

2. This is hard but you have to delete everything and leave it behind eventually. That can be gradual but at some point, you have to rip the bandaid. I have an afk_strats profile which helps on firefox but managing multiple profiles has diminishing returns.

3. I can't help here.

4. Gender is like language in some ways. There's variance by culture, locale, and time. And people learn how to express gender throughout their entire life from parents, society around them, media, friends, etc. We even have dome generic societal tropes for sorts of gender impostor syndrome like "why can't I be like the other girls". All to say, I think gender has skill components. Imposter syndrome is something anyone can feel about gender imo. From there, any imposture syndrome is something you can address by discussing with others, finding understanding, introspection, and being gentle with yourself and the expectations you put on yourself.

5. Olympia and Bellingham are ok but they're kind of islands away from larger population centers and surrounded by rural red. Bellingham seems like the better of the two. Everett and Tacoma have a lot nearby and both will have light rail to Seattle in the future.... Afaik

I believe by far most of transgender people suffer from the impostor syndrome. Some more, some less. That has to do with dysphoria, basically.

Somebody here recommended a book called "Yes, You Are Trans Enough" by Mia Violet for understanding this stuff. Maybe reading it could help?

Sorry, replied at wrong level.

On names, don't feel like you have to stick with just one. Adopt and use any you find interesting. Eventually you may settle on one you like best but you might not. Both are fine. I've got different names in different context and there's no reason you can't as well.

Hi Maya it's wonderful to meet you! Welcome to the community!

In response to your questions, for #1 I don't know how to make friends, yet somehow I've manged. I do know it's gotten much easier since I transitioned and started actually liking being me. I don't how to make friends it just seems to happen sometimes.

1. I use firefox's container tabs and an extension called temporary containers that makes every single new tab open in a separate container. Seems to help define which account is which because being logged in to an account in one tab doesn't mean I'm logged into it in any other. You can even maintain simultaneous logins that way.

2. I changed my name last year, and it felt weird every time I heard it for at least a month, even though it was the right name. I've settled into the name in time, but it still felt very wrong at first. Go in with expectation it might take a while to feel right, you have to live the name for a bit. Maya is a good name.

3. I get impostor syndrome too. The only advice I have is to not worry about it. Its fine to be an impostor now and again, it means you're taking risks and growing.

4. I am aware of a Seattle based non-profit called Traction. Their mission is to help trans people relocate to safer states. They can probably assist or connect you with the local trans community in your destination city even if you're just moving within Washington. They sound a lot like what you're describing. Also I am in one of the cities you mentioned feel free to DM me if you want to discuss further.

I appreciate your supportive closing remarks. I hope you're smiling and joyous too!

Maya is a good name.

lol thank you my dear but this is in my panel of "this one's absolutely a joke" names.

Maya S. Trojan --> My Estrogen. Please excuse me for thinking I'm hilarious.

I use firefox’s container tabs and an extension called temporary containers that makes every single new tab open in a separate container. Seems to help define which account is which because being logged in to an account in one tab doesn’t mean I’m logged into it in any other. You can even maintain simultaneous logins that way.

Go in with expectation it might take a while to feel right, you have to live the name for a bit.

That's actually really helpful to hear, thank you... and yes, it makes sense once I calm down and think about it reasonably, of course it will just take time to get used to lol.

I am aware of a Seattle based non-profit called Traction. Their mission is to help trans people relocate to safer states. They can probably assist or connect you with the local trans community in your destination city even if you’re just moving within Washington. They sound a lot like what you’re describing.

Oh sweet, that's extra awesome, I'll look into contacting them.

Also I am in one of the cities you mentioned feel free to DM me if you want to discuss further.

😮 Hiiiii neighbor!

Thank you for the book recommendation, I'll try seeing if they have it at my local library!

and being gentle with yourself and the expectations you put on yourself.

😭 that's the hardest part of all for me, I wish it wasn't so.

That's what we did with my son, he settled on the 4th one we tried out

No advice, but I wish you all the best Maya!

Remember whatever your nick, you'll always have a bit of snot in you.

I literally have to blow my nose all the time!! I can't go anywhere without tissue... so... this isn't wrong.