I'm not saying you should be a jerk to him. Just don't let his dreams drive yours. You can be honorable and also pursue your desires.

Edit: side note... For all you know, John told you about his romantic interests because he was jealous of how Jane was acting towards you.

Definitely a tough situation. I hope things work out well for all of you. I'm also extremely curious about what animal John has for his fursona.

FWIW, I'm not too worried about John's dating life. The furry community is pretty strong and cross-functional, and there's a ton of hobby overlap with furries and other hobbies and sports. Especially if he's bi, there will be others that he will meet, and he's young. Hopefully his depression gets better.

We were having a perfectly civil discourse (and I'm not sure where that downvote came from, but it wasn't me) ... I'm sad to see these messages deleted. :-(

To be fair I am talking about like, 2000-2010 here lol.

Though I remember having a social outing just a couple years ago at my current job, and I remember my team mate and I'd say pretty good friend (who again, only met through work, but we clicked and connected) telling me after that he was really into this one girl that was there, and then a week or so later updating me that he'd asked her out but she wasn't interested and he was (obviously) leaving it at that ... and he's quite young, I'd say mid-20s.

I do probably give off the "feel free to talk to me about casual and personal stuff" vibe though as I 100% loathe and reject the whole 'corporate culture' bs, and I currently work at the stuffiest most uptight place I've EVER worked at, lol.

Also tech industry, so I think we're generally a lot more casual? No idea! :-)

Fair, and same here! Here's hoping we cross paths again :-)

"He put you in an uncomfortable situation by telling you he’s romantically interested in a coworker who’s been hitting on you. You probably shouldn’t know he’s a furry either." I was aware he was a furry on his first day with me, he does not hide it whatsoever. It is an open part of his personality that I have just come to accept as it is harmless if not a bit odd. He tends to overshare things so you might be right.

He has taken a strong liking to me for reasons I don't fully follow other than some of our interests align. I wouldn't say I discourage it though as I have a discord channel just for our team where people also post memes and things on our off days. I am MUCH friendlier to my staff than your average boss, but I have a strict rule that I will not hang out with any of my coworkers where they cannot all be involved if they wish and I cannot show favoritism. I have only been taken up on that once. I won't blame him for wanting to trust me with that information, I have been told I look trustworthy or something.

As far as I have seen, she and him are perfectly friendly with each other, now recently working as a team to cause harmless, minor havoc in my life for fun. lol I don't know the full extent. I do know that they have known each other for a while too and they like to send memes to each other. I just don't know if the romantic interest is there though. Kind of like having a good friend that is also into you but you don't share it. I don't know.

It is a Sergal and a Protogen. The fact I know without any hesitation for thought is bizarre. lol He is not a bad looking guy, so I am sure he would be fine. Doesn't make the emotional pain sting any less though.

It’s indeed important to be an understanding boss. And I’ve also been on both sides of this and agree with you that it sucks pretty much.

However: this guy is a bad worker with a bad attitude and clearly states that he has no interest in his job. He does bad enough work to upset his teammates. You’re his boss. Don’t hang out with him. Maybe a beer after work, but even that stretches it. You wanna be his friend and hang out with him outside of work? Then you both should not work directly with each other. There is a time and place for delicacy and sometimes not.

Sorry, I’m a bit harsh! But I had problems with a co-worker myself. And I suffered actually years from constant drama because I was polite and considerate and forgiving. And it would have saved me from so much frustration and stress if I kept my distance in the beginning or just plainly told him to fuck off.

I should clarify, it's not your fault you know these things, but he needs to learn that enough bosses won't be understanding that he should learn to curate the aspects of himself that he professionally displays.

Having good and amicable professional relationships is awesome. My coworkers know that I'm into bicycles, they don't know that the bike shop I volunteered at was explicitly anarchist. They know I'm married, they don't know I'm polyamorous. He needs to learn to find a level of sharing that can keep him safe, because elsewhere in the thread you mention he's on the verge of disciplinary action.

You seem to have professional boundaries as well, and I think that yours are totally reasonable. A friend of mine is a manager of software developers and she has similar boundaries to you with her subordinates (she describes her job as basically being a kindergarten teacher for adults), but if you have to discipline John, that closeness will bite back.

And it's good that they seem to actually be on good terms with each other, though she still may have given him the old pocket veto.

Have a conversation with John, make it clear you aren't disciplining him, but attempting to help him in his career, because this oversharing is going to fuck him hard someday if he doesn't get it under control. It'll be a lot easier of a pill to swallow from a boss he likes and respects than from one who brings in HR on his first week. He should know you're doing this specifically because you think he's a good guy and you want what's best for your subordinates.

For what it's worth it sounds like you quite like this lady and like nothing you do is going to avoid a mess, so yeah have fun with that. I don't think John is going to avoid pain here. Both from what you described of that crush and from what you've described of him possibly needing a PIP. It sucks, and it really sucks for you. But fr, act like he didn't tell you about Jane and pretend you forgot. It's probably the only winning move here even if it sucks. Well, that and posting follow ups. Posting follow ups as things continue is the ultimate winning move.

"He needs to learn to find a level of sharing that can keep him safe, because elsewhere in the thread you mention he’s on the verge of disciplinary action." Agreed, he overshares way too much and it is going to bite him on the ass at some point.

My closeness with my team is unavoidable and is better I lean into it. We work long shifts and I must interact with them constantly. Managing the children as a kindergarten teacher becomes a lot easier when they like you personally.

"But fr, act like he didn’t tell you about Jane and pretend you forgot. It’s probably the only winning move here even if it sucks." I don't that will fly sadly. He has mentioned it twice now.

"Posting follow ups as things continue is the ultimate winning move." You just want to know how this nonsense plays out, don't you? lol

"or just plainly told him to fuck off." I don't know man, I feel like that would get me in more trouble. lol

Ultimately, whatever gets the job done with the least amount of feelings hurt is usually the best solution. Sometimes you have to try the carrot before you try the stick. I have gotten pretty far with that alone, but I think the bullshit we deal with is getting to him a bit too much and the rest of it is self inflicted.

I don't need to be close with any of my staff, but it helps.

I know he lives a rough life.

*ruff life, ftfy, no further comment

I really don't see why this isn't the genuinely obvious beginnings of a polyamorous relationship. It's not the easiest thing but plenty of people do it.

Well all the pieces are there. However, for me at least, I don't like sharing. Lol

If it makes you feel better, I appreciated your opinion.

There will be other Jane's that don't work where you work.

You obviously need to close the love triangle: go date John.

John and you both have mutual interest in making yourselves “hard to get”. Dating each other would make Jane jealous and only increase her interest in you both.

It would be cruel to force Jane to chose between you too. If you navigate this carefully, she can have you both and you can both have her on top of each other. Everyone can be happy. /s

It is the only reasonable decision.

Nice! And yes.

What are their respective stances on the Iran conflict? Do they have a favorite Gulf monarchy?

Date them both, start a polycule!

The smart move is: don't get your honey where you make your money.

Jane is not interested in an intimate relationship with you. She is being a polite and considerate coworker looking for support from a friendly face. Help her without turning it into more than super and teamwork, and it will eventually just turn into a deeper relationship if she really is into you. If not, then it was never going to anyway.

John is your subordinate. He is reaching out to you with trust for support in this time, but he ultimately cannot get the support he needs in his romantic/personal life from work. If the only thing keeping him there is her then he should leave, and you should support him there. Either make it a place he wants to work at outside of his (AND YOUR) romantic interests or use your professional resources to find him something that is a better fit.

You need to be very careful with both these dynamics.

What would you rather have here: someone looking to build interdepartment trust and friendship and a subordinate who wants to be at work, or a subordinate who feels like you don't care about him and a coworker who feels like you think so highly of yourself that every girl who talks to you wants to date you?

There is no third option where you get the girl and fix the kid in the situation as you describe it.

What can I say, I've been completely honest I don't think there's a winning move and this sort of posts are what I miss from reddit lol

I never thought I would be in one of these types of posts either. It has gotten spicier. Out of curiosity, I had ended up asking her if there was anything going on between them to which she stated that they are just friends and he asked for her number. She does not want to lead him on according to her. Yesterday she asked for my number and I said sure.

Lady is moving this faster than I had planned for.

Finally! Now someone is asking the big questions that we need answers to.

Damn dude, congrats! Gotta appreciate someone who's clear about her intentions

Look, I understand your point and I shouldn't consider any woman being nice to me as flirting.... But in this particular case, she just asked me for my phone number yesterday so she could quote " get to know me better and continue the conversation over the weekend." We have odd work weeks and this is the start of our weekend.

I don't think there is any mystery about that part anymore. I had asked if she was seeing John and she said no, they are just friends.

As for John, he was denied for the role he really wanted to apply to for very dumb reasons and I am very upset for him. There is nothing I can personally do about improving his situation as the things he hates about our company are not within my or even my superior's control. He has told me he can't leave either as he can't find a job elsewhere.

I want to be supportive of John, but I am even trying to push it in this direction, its just going there on its own and I am currently not stopping it as she is an awesome person I would like to get to know better.

You are right though, there is no option where "I get the girl" and not burn bridges and not torch themental health of my coworker. Even if I said no, he will still be hurt as she is clearly not interested in him. Just to a lesser degree.

I know, such a breath of fresh air!