I did well in my 20s with hookups but also I was a touring musician, comedian and actor who lived in major cities, a rakish waif and, at least at the time, I was kinda cute if I do say so myself.

Married for 8 years now and although I am confident I have a lot to bring to a relationship should something unthinkable happen to my marriage but I am under no illusion that I would not do nearly as well in my mid 40s with a stable regular job, 20 extra lbs and an inch less hairline.

I have a lot of respect for those who can live such a lifestyle and have everyone involved happy. I feel I could never be comfortable in the scenario although I think I would like to be okay with such scenarios.

I'm mid 40s and have a stable job. Hair is full but a bit heavier since my 20s.

What I've learned is that most women that I end up dating are usually looking for consistency and not being an asshole. Having a decent personality helps as well.

I'm in competition with a lot of conservative men. If I can't win against them, I should look inward.

Bro should have tried Grindr.

This has been my experience as well. The default mode of monogamous relationships has a lot of bad habits and anti-patterns, too.

There was a good blog post I read a while ago I can't find now (it was a title like "the missing step", but most blog posts with that title are about toxic people in communities that are ignored like a missing step on a staircase you avoid without fixing). It essentially argued that when people are monogamous, they tend to slide towards a sort of all-access codependence, where you just kind of assume your partner is there all for you the time. When such a couple tries to open up, and your partner suddenly has plans without you, people don't know what to do. You always used to just do stuff together, and now your partner is out somewhere with Alex? Fuck Alex! Who do they think they are??

It's pretty bad, but happens frequently.

The post's advice was to make plans with your current partner, before you "open up". Even if you never open up. Make plans together, but also explicitly and intentionally keep time for yourself. Even if you don't actually do anything, take a day a week that's just yours to do what you want. Go out of the house. You don't have to tell them any details. Maybe you'll go for a hike. Maybe you'll go bowling. Doesn't matter. It's your time. Personal. Private.

Once you both get used to that, where the other person is just off doing stuff without you sometimes, it's much easier to slot "they went on a date" into that space.

Hasn't this changed ages ago? IIRC they lost the one thing that made them unique.

Yeah and that's healthy for permanent monogamous relationships too. It's just hard i think everyone gets cheated on st some point in your teens or twenties so people develop fear of partner having free time, but yeah eventually in like 30s plus relationships you get more security like we're not all put there trying to discover our sexuality anymore

what’s your personal wealth at?

I've had the exact opposite, two separate girlfriends who pushed me into an open relationship.

Though after that same thing, zero luck for myself, plenty for them, then they eventually stopped sleeping with me at all and eventually broke up with me for the new guys.

As a polyamorous individual, I whole-heartedly agree! Actual polyamory is often hard and requires a lot of attention and dedication.

I was open with every, single person involved about the fact I am this way, and have done my best at every step and with each new addition that none of them felt like a "side-piece."

Real polyamory is made of much of the same stuff as real monogamy: hardcore honesty, vulnerability (especially when it's hard), open, crystal clear communication, and most importantly, consent! Safe, sane, informed consent. If you haven't put every, single goddamn card on the table, you're not polyamorous, you're a playboy.

When we opened up our marriage I wasn't as interested in meeting new people as she was. So she did her thing and I listened to the stories she told of her dates and also the stupid dudes that messaged her

That actually got me interested as well so I created an account on the same site without a picture and without telling her. So the first thing I did was message her, pretending to be some unknown dude. I got her hooked with just one short message. Felt good to know that I could still rizz her.

Of course I knew that all in all she would be more "successfull". But we both had our ups and downs, had fun, broke hearts, got our hearts broken. Eventually she stopped dating and I kept going until I couldn't go on.

In the end, I have slept with more women after marrying than before. Met many interesting people and learned a lot of stuff about myself.

But the most important thing about an open relationship is that it is open in communication. In that way we were open even before we started dating other people. And I think that is why it worked.

Sheesh I am sad so many of you had such terrible experiences with open relationships and/or polyamory. Maybe it's cause I am not hetero or a dude but this has been the most wholesome time of my life.

Yeah even in completely mutual open relationships this is typically what happens.

And it doesn't help that I'm bad at talking to women. My girlfriend ended up setting me up with more people than I found myself.

I mean I would still rather not be the woman in that situation since you don't know who actually cares about you. Just that it's pretty unfortunate that we still do the basic evolution thing of "males compete for a female's interest!" I don't really want to play that game, and irl I didn't feel I needed to nearly as much.

Sure, try it after 35...

Yep 100%, I didn't mean to make it seem like the other side is better, I think online dating is pretty terrible for everyone. I'll think a long time about if I want to match with someone but I've heard many people say "just spam like and then you can decide on the couple matches you actually get." I don't go on because I don't want to see the cardboard personalities, and actually cool women don't go on for the exact reasons you said.

Hopefully in person hangout spaces become a thing again, since that's so much better than online.

Good question, and I'm happy to answer.

My personal wealth is damn near zero (and also no one's business, but relevant here). A series of events led me to losing a number of assets, and scraping myself up from a deep depressive stretch.

A ton of therapy, personal development, and some medication has helped me to live a healthy balanced life. That's what my partners find attractive. It's not my wealth or abs, but the work I've done my myself.

Don't worry, I didn't get the sense that you were saying it in "we have it worse" kind of way. I was just giving some additional perspective from my side of the aisle — because solidarity is always good when facing something a bit grim

I don't think it's necessary to have to put too much thought into clicking "like" on people when online dating; The landscape pretty much requires casting a wide net, regardless of gender. Some people go way overboard on that though — they treat people like they're pieces of meat at the market, and then they mope about how lonely they are.

I have met good people on these apps, but man, it sure does take a lot of effort to get past the initial "vibe checking" stages (which can include the first in person date or so). Fortunately my profile is weird as hell, and whilst that doesn't put off the creeps, it does draw in the people who are like "damn, this chick is weird...I bet we'd get on!"

I have, and it's working out just fine! Negativity doesn't encourage growth and exploration. High standards and low expectations do.

Gender...

Whats crazy to me is never that women can get more action then dudes most of the time, but that people have so much free time. Like dating several, not in a dining table relationship, but like planning a time to go out and meetup for some time, dating.

Let alone the finances fuck

Either you interpret “completely mutual” differently from me or you're wrong. When people go into it with open communication and really ask themselves what would happen if their partner acted like them but was more successful, this doesn't happen.

Hah

Sure, you may have multiple partners

But do you have four feral cats you feed regularly who think you're the best human being on earth?

No. You don't. Losers.

????

I don't understand what you're trying to say?

I was just saying even when it's mutual women get more interest than men.

To me it seems the only way opening up after works, is if "after" is "after they've become empty nesters." Because a lot of the people with functioning open relationships seem to be 50+.

I see, I meant the part where the dude gets flustered about that fact and problems arise.

It's often a part of these stories and I never get how a couple with communication skills that bad expects a different outcome.

Yet all poly people I know just … do their thing and are happy.

you are completely missing the point i think

Men and women (or any genders) are not different in any meaningful way

They are just people

The only inherent difference is identity, and the exherent differences (norms, expectations, how they are viewed and treated (including by themselves)) are unnecesary and often harmful

this

Go ahead and enlighten me.

For women that part is easier since you're generally not expecting a woman to pay on a date anyway.

Good luck affording dating multiple people as a dude though.