Well, this has been a weird relationship. I fell in love with a trans woman married to a cis man.

I was asked to meet the husband and to try to befriend him to make it work. He was nice and did a lot of self-sacrifice for her and he is not a man who has questioned gender much.

The way I see it, once again it is my pov and I could be wrong.

I tried to be honest about a lot of my feelings, doubts things I've never made as much.
Everytime I do share my feelings. Here about the fact it's hard for me to get closer to husband it backfired hard. Every I said is taken as a personal insult no matter how much I try to put emphasis on why I'm having a hard time to trust him and that could be a trouble I have trusting men because of probably my father who has abused my mother verbally a lot and physically once but also a lot of what abuse they cause.

The first thing that triggers me is that he is impulsive. And well there's a lot in the wording.

I'm probably trying to analyze a lot but when he says about "lgbtqia+ people can be whatever the fuck they want, I don't care." "If they made the choice to transition." To me it shows more of indifference or "tolerance" towards us rather than trying to understand and saying that transition is a choice is not my view. (Especially because I feel like mine was necessary or I would have become depressed more and more at best). It was multiple time that he said something that make me tick but since I can't give every moment that there is something that bothers me in his words. He feels targeted about only one thing he said and that is a personnal attack.

The second one is that he laughs at a type of old humour masculine that leaves me uncomfortable. Something from the 90's that wouldn't be broadcast today.

The third one is about him putting himself as a victim because of what I said and using what I said the single or two example as what he did "bad" and use these against me because he feels like I'm being harsh for only that. (Once again this is my pov).
Yeah no my brain just didn't made a list of all the things that were problematic. I would feel that even if I did it would just be a reproach about me making a list anyway...

These don't help develop feelings toward him and I feel I just try to fit in a mold to be able to get love from that woman. And this part is the part where I'm sure to be wrong.

In the end I feel like the more I share my feeling, and it was hard to do so, the more I am made to understand that is a "me" problem because of my bias or trauma and I shouldn't inflict that on others. And when I don't share I'm the one in the wrong because I'm closeted.

Well their situation to both is complicated we all have our traumas and theirs are bigger than mine. (Not gonna detail that)

They lived horrible life before meeting each other and to be honest, from my pov, they seem dysfunctional together and co-dependant yet maybe this is a me bias because of my previous relationship.

As I have not much confidence and having a lot of fears of hurting people it's hard for me not try to analyze things and probably project my own interpretation of what I see and feel toward them.

I'm left with doubts, self loathing feeling as I tend to do so because I would rather be hurt than hurting, and I feel I'm just dysfunctional and this is only a personal problem.

We had a first argument about me sharing that I probably don't love him as much as the woman. And yes because we shared a lot more and there was more mutual understanding. But I've tried. I've tried... (Feeling angry now). I've been left with a second chance and that words makes me angry I feel like he tries to be a "good" person and he is the one doing good thing letting me in their lives.

I don't really know what to feel about that. I've ended up saying I'm not ready to keep this relationship on and it is my fault as that's were we left the discussion on.
There was some qualities that he has (undeniably). But I'm not here to develop on that as I think this is a rant and way to put words on my feeling and maybe if someone has more insight that I do to just tell me. If I'm being totally stupid on this and that if this is just really me being... Me.. An overly fear projecting person that is, in the end being toxic toward people.

Yeah. It shouldn't have started at all at least not like this. I am Polyamourous and that not a problem for me to try but the husband (despite all his flaws) was not in favor at start so was it about self-sacrifice too? He probably would. Which means it was probably done out of fear of loosing her? maybe? He has too much pride too. And rubs some stuff in people's nose when "right".

But yeah it should have been something about willingness and curiosity. Communication is important and I've tried my best despite how bad I am about it.
I'll keep being sincere on my feelings even if have to be seen as the worst piece of garbage ever. Because at least I'll know I would have stick my principles and I won't hate myself for this. I'll still feel guilty of doing any wrong to them.

Maybe I should have seen this coming but deep down I still wanted to try. Because I'm feeling a fear of missing out because all my life I always second guessed everything and this has made me miserable. For once I wanted to just go with my feelings and just try and see.

Anyway, "just" need to accept things as there are. A sincere attempt to try even if it was just us hurting ourselves at the end.
My feelings won't fade just like that. But I know that I shouldn't try to make this work.