“Attention seeking”

Ah yes, the classic inner toxic parent.

I'm looking for an endo to start injecting girl juice right into my body, and the thoughts of "but what if I'm not trans" are still just as strong as years ago, when I was only pining. I'm calling out to the elder Transes to confirm that that experience just continues even after years of hrt.

Still cis tho. All this, for entirely cis reasons, of course.

I mostly got over the imposter syndrome, but only because I came to recognize that being trans wasn't my choice. I had the need to be a woman thrust upon me, and in many ways it wasn't what I wanted. I am not brave. I am a coward. All I wanted my entire life was to be as "normal" and boring as possible because growing up a weirdo hurt so much.

I only transitioned when I felt like the alternative was suicide, and it made me happier than I had ever been in my life. Every time I've considered the idea that I might not be trans, I laugh because the notion is so absurd at this point. My inner demon plotting my downfall doesn't even try to doubt my gender anymore, because the evidence that I'm trans is just too definitive.

Besides, I became far closer to normal after transitioning than I had ever been before. Feeling comfortable in my gender allowed me socialize far more naturally and made me feel like I actually had a place. I didn't really feel like a person in the past, only a paper mache imitation of what a person was. It wasn't sticking out that made me feel so abnormal back then; it was not being myself.

I had those thought all the way up to when i started, and even a bit after i started.

Not to worry, its a scary treatment to look down the barrel of. Those thoughts are totally normal.

However, if you decide your not trans, thats ok too! We still love you always, and you can get off hrt without physical changes for the first 2-3 months give or take.

You got this love ❤️❤️

This.

I lived in denial for decades and drove myself to the point of literal breakdown trying to "act normal" before my maladaptive masking habits finally broke and killed my imposter syndrome for good. =D

This was me too. I let myself try for the first time in my life in my thirties and the feeling of joy, and the absence of self hatred was incredible. Showing me how good things could feel made me realise how bad things did feel.

"but I don't like dresses"

"But I'd make for an ugly girl"

Yeah. The many things that ran through my head for 30 years

I also used to have that impostor syndrome experience. For me, it mostly stopped half a dozen months in, once I started passing enough to be androgynous-ish.

Mine was, I can't be trans, id have to change my y into an x.

🩷