Please recommend a better place to post if this is inappropriate for the community. Sorta long, and personal

They've been clean for a little over a year. They went out with friends and one of the friends gave my partner a bottle of the thing that causes behavior problems. It makes them the worst type of drunk. They called me mostly sober and I got to hear them go from coherent to passing out over the course of a couple hours and many phone calls and being hung up on many times

I'm not sure exactly what I'm looking for. There was nothing I could do other than try to keep them on the phone and engaged but it all spiralled. Swinging from ok to hysterical to angry and back. The angry part is why I can't go get them, along with them getting to the point of absolute unreasonableness and just babbling nonsense. At points they can be combative and my showing up in person would have made everything worse

They are at a safe space where they can sleep it off. At this point I'm not worried they'll come back home angry, but I'm still vigilant for when they get back

I do not blame them because alcoholism and addiction are a lifelong disease, but I'm just not sure how to approach the next time I see them, which is presumably and hopefully in the morning

They have a therapist which they should probably get in touch with. I'm looking for a little direction. Maybe someone's dealt with addiction and relapse could chime in. I know I can't approach it with anger even though inside I'm feeling so angry and betrayed. They quit because the last time they drank, they put their hands on me

-tpyo

Edit: they're home. It's fine, they are ok though there's still a lot to talk about. Thank you for the concern and responses 💚, truly

one of the friends gave my partner a bottle of the thing

bad friend, if they knew about the thing, that is.

I'm pretty sure the friend knew. Partner is very outspoken about being sober and was specifically the DD (designated driver) previously because of that reason

I have to see the "friend" regularly so I'm trying not to preemptively get upset and have some words prepared for the next time I see them

I need to take care of my partner first, but friendo needs to know how much damage they caused

They've been clean for a little over a year.

I know I can't approach it with anger even though inside I'm feeling so angry and betrayed.

You were betrayed by your partner, and they were by the "friend" who gave them the drink and did not act to stop them when getting drunk.

They quit because the last time they drank, they put their hands on me

Talk it over when sober, but seeing there is danger in the situation you should also be very clear to yourself and your partner about a line that if crossed you WILL go away. Like next drink. Do not compromise on your safety for sentimental reasons, this is how many women are killed every year. (Unless you are in a position to kick their ass easily when they are both drunk and armed with whatever is at home, from knife to club).

One year off is a very good start though, and unless there is a relapse in drink habits other than a one time occurrence the way forward might still be open.

Disclaimer : am no addition specialist, but had to control a mean drunkard armed with a cutter, have and have had alcoholic/addicted people close to me, and the one thing I learned is that only they can save themselves. Support is a heavy burden. Close support is a heavy and dangerous burden. You should always protect yourself before anything

If you're safe and they're safe, go to sleep. Eat breakfast in the morning so you can continue processing how you feel. Focus on yourself and your needs. When you see them next, there's no "right" thing to do or say. You certainly can approach it with anger if that's the emotion your body is carrying. Perhaps they need to see how much this scared and dysregulated you.

I've told friends not to give me something because of my addicition and the good ones always said "ok no problem". Those who would give it are usually addicted themselves and want someone to share with.

I do need to go to sleep, I'm exhausted. At this point I'm just worried for them. They're in the safest place they can be (given the circumstances), but it's hard sleeping with this on my mind

It's a lot to process for sure. Anger off the bat won't help, but I'll be here waiting for them and willing to listen and support when they return

What I'll do for self care is put on boring tech videos and see what tomorrow brings

Your partner is an asshole and you sound codependent and obsessive. It's not your job to police your partner on such serious things. It's their failure. You should be disappointed in them, not yourself.

Hey, that’s a difficult situation for you and I hope you‘re still alright.
It is touching that you try to be there for your partner even though they‘ve had a relapse.
Firstly I want to encourage you to look out for yourself. You are their partner not their therapist. And it’s better for you both if it stays that way. Of course you can help them if you can but this is still something they have to manage themselves with the help of professionals. Especially so when you write that they get angry under the influence.
But then, addiction is a chronic disease and relapses are a part of it. It’s important what they think about it once they are sober again. And it’s good that you’ve set boundaries to keep you safe. You should tell them again what your boundaries are once they’re sober again, maybe encourage them to seek help, tell them you’re there for them as a partner but that you can’t fix and their addiction and can’t tolerate them consuming.
It is good for them to see your anger and your love. I hope they and you will see through this!
Source: studying to be a social worker to work with addicts.

I don't have much to say right now in response to your comment but it is very meaningful and hits close to home in a lot of ways

I'm very upset at the friend, and disappointed but understanding with my partner. Friend in this scenario also apparently drank themself to puking. I wasn't there and if there's another get together it seems I need to chaperone

Those boundaries are a serious topic because of the past. It's not a "never ever again" for drinking but it's been a nix on that specific alcohol. But sentiments are complicated

You got a down vote (not from me and not that it matters)

you're absolutely correct on all counts

It's hard not to be angry at said "friend" on your behalf. And your partner. I understand what you're going through. Good luck.

Being a DD when you're trying to stay sober sounds like a very bad idea.

I'm sorry you had to go through that. Glad it seems everything is okay-ish. Sending warm thoughts!

I truly appreciate it. We've talked a bit and I'm no longer feeling concerned. Thoughts received!

I have no advice but I did have an experience where my friend was taking the designated driver turn and we seperatate at the dance club and when I got back to him he was blitzed. I yelled at him and said we are sticking together and neigher of us is drinking. Unfortunately we fell asleep on a couch and the bouncers bounced us. I was way better than him and I said well eff it take teh train home but he begged and pleaded that I not leave his car there and I aquiesed and creaful got it back to his house. Never went out with him again though as that I believe is the only time I have ever drove having drunk anything. I mean Im a stickler. One drink and I won't drive. Made me so mad.

he begged and pleaded that I not leave his car there

them's the breaks if one betrays their friends by promising to be the designated driver and proceeds to get fucked up anyways. I could understand, like, one beer immediately when everyone gets there, if the plan is to stay there for three or more hours, that should be fine, but even then it's best for folks to draw their line at "zero drinks if I'm driving"

all the more reason for places to offer non-alcoholic drink options and snacks and such

Thank you. After some sober communication, it was my partner that bought the alcohol so I can't be angry at "friend" and can't hold them accountable

Find an Al-Anon meeting near you. They're very helpful. ❤️‍🩹

yeah im to nice but basically he lost a friend that night.

Yep this is the best advice you can receive in this situation. I can personally attest that they're very helpful.

Alcoholism is an addiction and an illness, but that doesn't absolve him from responsibility. If he becomes a bad person when drinking, especially if he's violent towards you, then you absolutely have a right to expect him to stay sober or deal with whatever you decide to do to stay safe from him. I'm not saying you have to leave him or whatever, that's not for me to decide, but you absolutely do not have to put up with this, just because he's an addict. Even addicts have agency and the ability to make the right choices. It's just harder for them. But how hard something is doesn't really matter when it comes to being a good person.

Source: I know addiction (wasn't violent though).