Pay: $8.50/hr + 3 stale donuts/month

Do you thrive under unreasonable pressure? Can you juggle flaming chainsaws while reciting the Constitution backwards? We’re looking for a multi-talented, telepathic, bilingual (in dolphin and Elvish), emotionally available candidate who can:

Work 27 hours a day, 9 days a week

Tame wild spreadsheets with your bare hands

Provide emotional support to our office plants

Defeat our CEO in hand-to-hand combat (optional but strongly preferred)

Requirements:

PhD in Quantum Basket Weaving

12+ years of experience in a field that doesn’t exist

Own a time machine (must be willing to share)

No need for sleep, ever

Perks: You’ll receive exposure (not to sunlight), the joy of unpaid overtime, and the opportunity to cry in a luxurious janitor's closet.

Apply now! Or don’t. We’ll find you.