I'm exhausted...
I don't know how to break out of this.

I keep having wars inside my head. Dysphoria, imposter syndrome, and OCD that keeps telling me I'm not trans.

I feel really relived when I experience euphoria, but I want to feel like that all the time, which doesn't happen.
So I end up creating an image in my head of who I want to be, I somehow manage to live as this image instead who I am right now. But I also can't keep that image alive 24/7 without feeling like my head is gonna explode.
Whenever that image breaks, I feel really sad. Perfect opportunity for the negative thoughts to return, and I'm already exhausted from trying to keep that image alive that I end up disconnecting from everything.

I'm just numb, my head is so empty, but I'm sure after a few hours, everything will be a mess again. The worst thing is that even when I feel euphoric and happy, it doesn't feel "me", as if I don't have what it takes to be "him", and I don't feel like I exist at all. I just want to keep living from my head.

Sorry, nothing I wrote makes sense at all.

Shot in the dark, not a magic bullet, but I found a few months of zazen under the local soto peeps useful in the world of bicameral minds.

A bit like a little aikido will not stop you from falling down the stairs, but something to be thankful for when you are halfway down.

In simpler terms: you are suggesting (Buddhist) mediation, right?

Everything your wrote made perfect sense.

And it is sooo relatable for a lot of trans people too. Dysphoria, imposter syndrome, the need for change and the pace with it, perfection.
Those feelings are confusing and exhausting. Some are fun too (euphoria).
Then numbness, the disconnection, the sense of not existing >.< that’s heavy.. I am so sorry you feel this way

If things feel too much that’s valid too. For now, be in the present. Just be. Drink some water, breathe. Maybe do something that you can do without thinking?

Give yourself the time. Be gentle with yourself 💕 You got this, and we got you! You, your struggle? So valid.

On a more practical note: if and when you feel more energetic (and only then) , you could start writing down your thoughts and organise them. You also already discovered a pattern in your behaviour ! That’s really good. Self awareness is often the first step in improvement and understanding. Writing helped me also. A bit like you have done now. I would also encourage you, if you have that option, to seek a therapist. Preferably one that specialises in transgender care.

Take a one step at a time, and you know where to find us xo

Have you tried therapy or anti-anxiety meds? Those both helped us.

uhm, so are these "really suggestive voices" inside your head? yeah, those are part of various mental health issues. i remember reading that people with hypochondria, for example, have these very insistent voices in their head that's telling them that something's wrong with their body and they need to seek medical help immediately.

so, it's not necessarily your fault, but could be issues from the environment. maybe you picked up these voices from parents/neighbors, etc. ? also it would help to know what exactly happens when you try to imagine your own future your own way. in what way does it feel exhausting? what is the cause for the headache? what kind of conflicts are there in your head?

i can't stress enough how important drinking enough water is. it's magic. water brings change.

Thank you, got it.
I think the reason I keep wanting euphoria/dysphoria (even if it hurts) is because I see them as evidence that my feelings and identity still exist, which I'm really scared I'll lose one day.
That's why when something that made me euphoric/dysphorbic becomes normal, it's like that evidence is lost, and I feel like I have to protect my identity or else it's gone.
It'll probably be better if I stop trying to prove and protect everything, but that feels wrong for some reason.

Unfortunately, that's not an option.

Thank you, I'm glad I'm not alone.

I actually realized I don't really live in the present. I tried to do that today, but somehow it's really scary and doesn't feel real.

I will try writing when I can. will do my best.

Will try it, thank you.

I don't know, I thought they are intrusive thoughts because I don't want them.

Maybe that's true. Many of my thoughts are painful stuff I either read or others have said to me. But feeling inferior also triggers these thoughts.

Imagining my future as who I want to be is awesome and makes me excited. It only becomes painful when I remember the present. Because what I imagined is so different from who I am now. So I try to create that image in the present instead, which is what's exhausting.

It's like seeing something orange, you want to see blue, but you can't. So you imagine seeing blue while looking at orange, and think you're actually seeing blue while totally ignoring orange. Sorry, I don't know if I explained this properly.

I'm sorry you're feeling like this! Needing to know is rough. For awhile my situation was somewhat different but similar as well. Others have been where you are though and came out the other side okay! Have you heard Travis T.'s song tOCD?

What if you were raised to think that you can outsmart fate if you just

Think of every angle, think of every flaw
Think of every single fucking thing that could go wrong

Think of other choices, really think it through
Think of more excuses to avoid the fact that you still want to

and think you’re actually seeing blue while totally ignoring orange. Sorry, I don’t know if I explained this properly.

yeah makes sense. i think the difference between goal and present reality is what's causing you the tiredness then. don't worry, we continuously work towards our goal like a long march. better to take many small steps than to try and sprint to the finish line in one set.

Sorry that's the case.

You’re welcome ! Aw >.< I just want to give you a biiig hug ! 🩷
If therapy is difficult to do now, would it be helpful maybe to reach out to a trusted family member or friend? You don’t have to tell them everything, just what you’re comfortable with.

Please be kind to yourself x

Wow, thank you. Really relatable.

Isn't trying to outsmart fate doing the opposite tho? trying to prove that fate by thinking of every possibility. Or maybe I don't know whether that fate is from society's POV or not.

Right, thank you.
It's when that goal seems impossible to reach, I disconnect from the present so I don't have to face it anymore. But I just need to keep trying.

I guess there really is no point in wasting my energy getting anxious for not feeling anything sometimes. Because these reminders did in fact come back after a while, even without thinking. that's a relief.

Got it, thank you

I don't think it's possible to talk to anyone unfortunately.