Link: https://thehardtimes.net/breaking/hegseth-to-personally-test-erection-strength-of-each-soldier/

WASHINGTON — U.S. Secretary of War Pete Hegseth announced that he is rolling out a new program to ensure that the military is at its “absolute best” by personally checking the erection strength of all servicemen over the age of thirty, according to confused sources within the Pentagon.

Newspaper name checks out.

lol, definitely a relevant name for this piece! The Hard Times is actually one of my favorite satire sites. Unfortunately their output has slowed in the last year. But when they do post something new it’s usually amusing enough to share here.

His goal since the beginning

do they update articles once their satire become reality?

I'd be out; Velma is way hotter than Daphne imo.

Edit: looks like people haven't read the article.

"Attention!" has taken on a whole new meaning.

They say you can only truly know a guy is you've had a mile of his cum. I guess you could walk a mile in his shoes but what if he's wearing the shoes? I think the cum option is better. And it's easy because guys only cum a few spoonfuls at a time. So you can take that mile in about a year of carefully sucking each guy. Hopefully this can be implemented right away. Remember to eat a few pieces of pineapple guys, it makes it taste good.

They just republish them with a new date on their serious part of the website…

Perfect photo

brilliant

I remember an old WW2 vet once told me that his cohort was getting medically inspected and that they were thus duly fallen in and had to "present themselves" in actual drill.

"I can tell a man's testosterone level by the feel and texture of his balls. Takes a few seconds of fondling but it works!"

Instead of bouncing quarters off their beds…

“I’ve got a roll of quarters in my pocket. Let’s go see your bed.”

nonsense. only the tongue is sensitive enough for these types of measurements.

Daphne..eu. Velma is a freak in the sheets.

jesus. what's up with his old man hands? you know he never washed dishes in his life, so what's going on?

i love the look though lol. blue suit, red tie, crisp white shirt--not-so-subtle nod to the american flag, which is supposed to make all his whiney diarrhea go down nice and easy. you see, this is a guy who really cares about his country! i've never even seen a pic of george washington giving respect to the flag like that.

this look is called 'patriot core' btw.

some loser who gets paid 200k a year to 'style' these dweebs came up with this, and the sad thing is that it probably works.

Penis Inspection Day is official US policy now.

Hegseth famously does not believe in germs.

Dicks up boys!

next test he implements will be butt clinch strength. because we know butt clinch strenth has been declining in the male population because of all the gay frogs we keep shoving up our butts.

gotta keep those asses TIGHTLY CLOSED. gotta prevent those gay frogs from getting up in there boys!

Just like how you can detect if someone has diabetes by tasting their urine. Gotta do a teste taste test.

well yes of course. just like you taste semen to determine testosterone levels. I mean we are all medical men here.

The obese orange imbecile initially wanted to do it, but backed out once they told him the soldiers were actually older than 12.

Everyone knows it's about the mouthfeel.

with his mouth?