[New Update]: AITAH: For telling my husband to not bring his sick ex to our house and not get personally involved in nursing

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/amibengweird

Originally posted to r/AITAH, r/Redditor_Updates, & OOP's own page

Previous BoRUs: #1

[New Update]: AITAH: For telling my husband to not bring his sick ex to our house and not get personally involved in nursing

NEW UPDATE MARKED WITH ----

Editor's note: made small edits for ease of readability

Thanks to u/soayherder & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings:

spoiler

death, emotional infidelity, late-stage renal disease

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RECAP

Original Post: October 18, 2025

So I am 35 (F) and my husband is 39 (M). We have been married for 5 years. Before marrying to me he was with his high-school sweetheart for a decade. Apparently they had compatibility issues and then lost contact. Now his ex has got a kidney failure and is on dialysis and has come in our city for treatment and according my husband she contacted my husband through a mutually friend.

And now my husband wants to help her. Very politely I had asked my husband, does she not have her own people to help and nurse her, why contact him all of a sudden after years. My husband was pissed and said how can I be so petty and I'm mature regarding a patient asking such stupid questions and that he expects better from me.

Then I said if the situation is so dire then let's get her a place in our flat in other locality and if you are so adamant then let's finance her nursing facility what is need of getting personally involved like a nurse and that I don't want to get involved in personally nursing his ex or in her medical recovery process in person nor do I want to go to see her in hospital with him. And my husband said he is just disappointed in me that I am showing jealousy over a long ended relationship and cannot show maturity even with a patient.

So AITAH

Guys some people are accusing me of lying and copying . I will give you the screenshot of nursing home visitation slip . Please tell me how to upload pictures .

Edit: I am really very thankful to mods for responding to my appeal against my post being labelled Fake. Thank you so much for reconsidering things mods

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was NTA

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Something is fishy about the response, kind of sounds like gaslighting. Not sure I have enough context a judgment, but he is asking a lot of you to bring one of his exes into your home. Could be because it's in writing that your offer to help in other ways sounded sarcastic but I still feel his response is rather strong for him making a big ask of you. I would possibly ask the same question but understand that you are not obligated to say yes.

Commenter 2: Did he really say that he wanted the ex to move in?

OOP: Yes he did. He said it will be better if she is in closeups. I don't know I just feel uncomfortable. I am not accusing him of anything, nor do I have anything against that woman, but I feel sick

Commenter 3: Caring is one thing and caretaking quite another. Once he starts to help it is quite possible that her needs will increase; it is also important to consider that her condition may be long lasting. NTA.

Commenter 4: I feel the ex is trying to find a kidney donor.

OOP: Not really she has a donor and if she wished she could have got some other shelter but ...I don't know why she had to come in my life

If the ex has a donor, why isn't the surgery taking place?

OOP: they had some issues related to blood antibodies, that is what my husband told me

Commenter 5: NTA. This is not jealousy. It sounds like he wants to be the hero and take her in but do none of the actual work. Also, it is inappropriate. This is his ex and they don't even know each other anymore.

I would die on this hill. If he brings her to your home against your will, you should leave to stay with family or friends. I bet he gets a nurse or gets her out real quick when he has to do the caretaking.

Commenter 6: And the fact he just decided this expecting the OP to just take on this kind of work is crazy of him. Stand your ground OP you're going to be fine if you do

OOP: Exactly he said this with a poker face that he would want me to murse like what .I don't know if I recognize my husband anymore .I dated this man for 4 years have been married for five , have two little 3 year olds and he is angry with me not wanting to see his ex in hospital and not wanting to nurse her

OOP responds to multiple downvoted comments about helping a friend out in need

OOP: Old friend they were not in contact for years . And she is not just a friend she is his ex someone who was way more emotionally intimate relation than a friend .

And your taxes assertion just proves my point we INDIRECTALLY FINANCIALLY sponsor for health of strangers , don't go on getting involved with them in person wanting to stay at side as an emotional support tool .

And just because you and your folks are okay with strangers in home it does not mandate everyone to do it .

Since you are so open to taking care of strangers please take my husband's ex too in your kind and compassionate vicinity

Commenter 7: Is your husband a nurse?

If she's dying, and he wants to visit with her what's the big deal? At the end of one’s life it's not uncommon to want to reach out to old friends and family for closure ...

I don't really understand the jealous and outrage. This feels like a massive overreaction. Has he been unfaithful before?

OOP: What kind of selfish and entitled demand it is to expect a married man to suddenly get involved in your mess leaving everything behind. Being an emotional support tool, caretaking in person when you are vulnerable all these emotionally intimate things are exclusive to one’s spouse. I would have been outraged even if it was a platonic female friend in picture let alone an ex with whom one had sexual and emotional intimacy with.

Do you want me to play a third wheel in my own marriage

Commenter 8: Is she asking for him to take care of her or is she just checking in that she's in the area and he can stop by and visit??

If she's asking you to put her up and give her a place to stay inappropriate

If she's asking for a visit: you're over reacting

They were together for a decade.... He'll always be family

OOP: She is asking him to take care of her in person . She expects him to be at her side during medical checkups.

Is it not an outrageous demand . Where does this entitlement comes from .

And the family bullshit. You don't become a family to someone after a decade old no contact. When you have broken up things are done now the other party does not owe you anything. If you were such an inseparable family, you should not have taken a divorce to begin with. And the most important thing I am not obliged to put up with this "she will always be a family ". I have always preferred no contact and no mingling side

 

Update #1: October 19, 2025 (next day)

I tried to have another conversation with my Husband, and my parents are soon visiting my house. But I don't think we have made any progress. I talked pretty politely that it is very unfair to me and my boys (I have two 3 year old twins) that he is willing to be an emotional support tool to an ex and is, so hell bent to be at her side. Caring about acquaintances is a different thing, but issuing things like being an emotional support tool, caretaker all this should be exclusive to one's spouse. And issuing it to any third party even if it is a platonic female friend will be the foundation stone of an emotional affair, let alone issuing it to an ex.

He told me that it is tragic that I don't trust him even after being together for nine years (we dated for 4 years, have been married for 5) and accusing him of having an affair. It is natural for people to care about their loved ones, acquaintances especially when they are sick and being an emotional support tool, being a caretaker, being at one's people's side is the bare minimum one can do and does not automatically translate into an emotional affair and it is sad that I am so narrow minded that I am taking offense in him being personally involved with his ex. Ideally, I too should have volunteered to help his ex, visited her, consoled her shown some empathy instead of being an insecure person.

I said - "I am not negating the fact that we should help a sick person, and we get nurses and doctors involved and assist financially but you offering emotional intimacy to her does not go down my throat."

He once again said - Tossing just money to a sick person is so cold hearted on my part and a patient needs to see that people are available for her, to which I said I am not obliged to be available for her nor are you, nobody will blame you for not taking responsibility of your ex's life troubles.

He cut me in between and said what a selfish take and how he will be selfish to not respond properly to a person asking help. Clieve one of my twins woke up and our conversation ended.

Additional Information from OOP in comments

OOP: I would like to share my reflections and lessons .Emotional infidelity is real. Do not let anyone convince you that being someone else’s caretaker or emotional anchor is simply helping. When your partner begins to show up for someone else in ways that belong within your relationship, it becomes emotional cheating. It starts quietly, under the label of compassion, but it erodes trust just as surely as any affair.

Illness does not erase boundaries. I have sympathy for anyone who is unwell, but compassion does not mean allowing someone to disregard the limits of your marriage. Being sick does not make a person’s motives pure, and pain does not grant them moral permission to cross into another person’s life. And just because a person is ill , It does not mean their intentions are pure or they automatically become nice humans

You can be kind and still say no. I offered fair and humane alternatives, such as arranging professional nursing care and contributing financially. He wanted personal involvement, the kind that blurred emotional lines, and that was never acceptable. Refusing such involvement is not cruelty, it is clarity

Boundaries protect dignity. You can show empathy without surrendering your self-respect. It is not selfish to insist on peace within your own home. The people who call it insecurity often fail to understand that boundaries are the foundation of mutual respect.

Affiliation with exes is a danger zone no matter how many years have passed feelings can resurface anytime in fact nostalgia and distance makes things way more of a slippery slope in my case it is one decade . You cannot stop cheaters from cheating, but you can save yourself from being a pawn who is being played .

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And the most important thing, people please be financially independent and keep your financial affiliations as independent as possible . The only relief I have in this mess is that I earn a good amount of money and have side ventures .Outside academia, I have a few side ventures that help keep me financially stable and mentally occupied. I co-own a small academic editing service with two colleagues from the department, where we review research papers and grant proposals for independent scholars. It started casually during the lockdown and now runs steadily, bringing in a decent secondary income. I also rent out a small studio flat .The rent covers most of the expenses related to my boys .

My salary as a professor covers the essentials, but the side ventures keep me secure. They allow me to make decisions without fear of losing footing. That is the one thing this entire experience has reaffirmed independence is not only emotional, it is structural

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I don't see this ending well at all.

OOP: Me too, I can sense myself getting divorced

OOP on drawing boundaries and providing financial help for the ex

OOP: Did you not read my post - I said if the situation is so dire we can get financial help issued from a distance. The only place I am drawing a line is personal involvement. Before marriage I had told him that I prefer men who are in no contact with exes. I don't want those complications on table, he agreed to it. Yet I am bending backward and am getting involved in things related to his ex. Couldn't he understand me a little bit too.

Commenter 2: I understand that your finances are blended. Start unmixing them now.

The fact is that this is an ax. They are an ex for a reason. And when you create a new family elsewhere, one thing that should not come between you is an ex.

What he is doing is deflecting. Trying to make you out to be a bad person for not destroying your family and taking care of somebody’s ex.

His assertion that you’re terrible for not volunteering yourself as bullshit. That is him trying to change the subject and turn everything around on you. It’s not appropriate. It is manipulated. It is coercive. And it is what people do who know they’re fucking up.

And you are right. You cannot be that close to an ex helping them through something so very personal and not become entangled on an emotional level.

We are human beings. We have feelings and thoughts and emotions. And normally, we know enough to recognize that our feelings and emotions can lead us astray. The proximity can increase old feelings, even when we know that’s not a good thing.

He doesn’t have to admit it for you to admit it. He’s just trying to get you to admit that he’s right and you’re wrong, but you’re not.

So he is showing you where you stand. He is showing you that he will not even consider what you’re saying, and instead, he will take anything you say, even if it is objectively, reasonable, and try to make you out to be a terrible person. To try to induce guilt in you so that you just back off.

Again, manipulated behavior. If you have a spouse or a partner who loves you, and they’re telling you something, even if you don’t wanna hear it, you should at least consider it.

In your case, you can consider what he said and throw it away immediately because you know it’s trash. In his case, he doesn’t want to hear that he’s tearing his family apart. So again, he tries to make you ought to be a terrible person.

That alone is grounds for leaving the relationship as far as I’m concerned. Because he is showing me who he is. He is showing me that he won’t consider what I’m saying. That he won’t consider my feelings. That he won’t believe my lived experience as far as what our relationship is doing right now and what his actions are doing to me and our family.

So you don’t trust me? You don’t believe me? And you’re going to try to minimize everything? I don’t stick around for that bullshit. I just don’t. I don’t have time or patience for it.

OOP: A handful of our finances are blended, and I am looking forward to disentangle them, but while it happening in background I will give my marriage a last try with the involvement of my parents.

What's funny is that our house is entirely my property not a joint asset and he has the audacity to think he will relocate his ex in my home which is mine in every sense. I earn more than my husband, I have been a way bigger contributor in every responsibility be it financial or familial, yet he cannot keep one boundary of mine. My gut says either he is having an affair or will have one very soon, though I have never mentioned it in person. Things are not looking good

 

Editor's note: OOP made the same Update #2 onto another subreddit, I am adding comments from that sub for more context

Update #2: October 26, 2025 (one week later)

It has been one week since I first made that post here and it feels as if centuries have passed in mere 7 days .A lot has happened, and I feel a kind of numb and dumb .So as most of you expected , My husband and I are getting divorced.

His ex, who has kidney failure and is on dialysis, did not reach out only because she needed help. She reached out because she wanted him back. Her illness is real, but her intentions were not. She eventually admitted that to me directly(and she was quite blatant in this regard maybe her illness has made her irritable and scornful but that is how it was) Right now, I feel strangely calm. It is not unexpected, but I am still unable to process that a man can leave a relationship of one decade with 2 kids (We dated for 4 years have been married for 5 and have two twins who are 3 year olds) like this with 0 visible regret. My parents are with me, helping me stay steady for my twin boys who just turned three. They are too young to understand what is happening, but they keep me grounded

After everything came to light, my husband admitted that she was the one who ended their relationship years ago because she thought he lacked drive and stability. He never really got over her. Seeing her again, fragile vulnerable and remorseful, reopened old feelings he had never dealt with. (And in my mind I was like jerk you could have admitted it from day 1 instead of gaslighting me but I guess I was just speechless there).

I actually met her by coincidence three days ago. My husband had been visiting the hospital frequently, and one afternoon he forgot his insurance file which also contained some of our joint investment papers. Since I was disentangling things from him in background while waiting for my parents to come and giving my marriage a last chance, I had gone to collect it from the administrative office at the dialysis unit. The dialysis unit was tucked in a quieter wing separated from the main outpatient block. Outside the Renal chamber waiting area was attached. I was standing there waiting for the administrative officer to bring out the insurance file when she appeared with a nurse

She recognized me right away, and before I could even introduce myself and told the nurse to give us room for a moment, The nurse was hesitant in leaving an immunocompromised person, but she insisted on a couple of minutes of privacy and then, she asked me, “You are his (my husband's name) wife, right?” (I swear to God, I have not met this woman for once, so I don't know how she recognized me in a glance). I said yeah she asked me to sit down for a moment. And then she said, I was planning to bring this up gradually to you, but It is better we met here, I guess today or tomorrow you have to know this, there isn’t any use beating around the bush, So I will straight come on the point. I know you probably think I’m intruding, but I never stopped loving him (I was like what the actual fuck, no way it is real and In reality she was married to another man for a while who I guess died in some accident, so it is not like she was some cinematic protagonist spending her life single pinning for my jerk of a husband as she was sounding). I was the one who ended things, and I regret it deeply. I just want to be with him again, even if it’s only for whatever time I have left.”

I swear to almighty sitting above 7 heavens, I am not exaggerating a single word. These were her exact words I left the file counter without saying anything. In the side corridor near the elevator lobby, I would have Brust into violent sobs had nurses and other people not been moving there too. When I got home and told my husband what had happened, he did not deny it. He said he could not help how he felt and that being around her made him realize he still loved her. At this point, I did not think I had anything else to say.

I am now a single mother of twin boys, and honestly, I am fine. I earn much more than my husband and the house we live in is entirely my property. The apartment is in the southern academic district, not far from the old university campus where I teach. It is a three-bedroom flat on the fourth floor of a quiet residential block I bought it seven years ago when I was promoted to associate professor, using my savings and part of a research grant I had received for curriculum development. When this all came to light, I asked him to leave, and he did. It was not a dramatic fight. I told him calmly that if his heart was with her, that is where he should go. there is no legal obstacle in it . He had contributed little to the mortgage or maintenance, and the property was always mine. He did try to bring up we are intertwined on other financial fronts. And honestly even if it is partial entanglement What complicates things now are the shared investments and educational funds we set up for our twin boys. We have a joint mutual fund account, a children’s savings bond, and a small commercial investment in a co-working space near the railway junction.

The co-working space investment is another area of dispute. Although the capital came from me, the business registration lists both our names for tax convenience, which was his idea only . Now he is attempting to claim half the profits from the current lease cycle .My lawyer has filed for a forensic accounting review to prove the monetary trail originates from my personal savings.

This is looking exhausting in theory only and there are few more entanglements that will be too much to type and not to forget the legal proceedings of divorce which we have not started yet and not to forget custody stuff.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: I’m not sure what the laws are where you reside, but does he have claim to half of your earnings since you make more than him?

He’s in for a rude awakening when he realizes the fairytale love story is nothing but that, a fairytale. The fog he’s under will eventually lift and his pathetic self will come crawling back to the safety net you’ve built for him. He’s still a loser and his ex most likely will figure that out soon enough if she doesn’t pass away before that happens.

OOP: No alimony laws don't work like that here in my country. He would not have any claim on my hard earned money .

It is just the investments we have done together or the financial fronts where we are entangled is a mess that will take time to be sorted properly .

I will be putting an update when I am done handling these things

Commenter 2: Wow. The dying ex is a trash human, but your STX is one as well. I guarantee after she dies and he grieves, he will try to crawl back. Fuck that. Out of curiosity, do you guys have mutual friends who are taking his side in all this?

OOP: Not yet people outside home are unaware of our divorce yet , we have not started our official splitting process .

And we have very less mutual 'friends'. At best acquaintances . I am a pretty private and introvert kind of person, and my entire circle is from my university , teacher researchers students and his circle is different .

Commenter 3: This post seems so silly. Why would he go thru a divorce & sever himself financially from a woman who makes more money than him & owns the home they live in just to nurse a sick woman who will die soon? Seems to me like he’d just lie & sneak around behind his wife’s back to spend time w/the ex until she’s gone then pretend it never happened. He’s such a fool. Seriously. His friends & family should berate him for being a total idiot.

OOP: BECAUSE HE CAN CLAIM ON MANY OF OUR JOINT INVESTMENTS AS HE IS DOING NOW, EVEN THOUGH THE CAPITAL CAME FROM ME. And multiple people cheat, cheat after being married, after having kids, why do they do that? Please go and ask them the question? If you get the answer please tell it to me.

Because I too am trying to figure out WHY? Why on earth will a man cheat and cheat like that with 0 visible regrets after being together for one decade . Why would he not think of my kids even ? I did everything one can do as a spouse and a partner , always bore the bigger part of familial and financial responsibilities the why?

 

I filed for divorce today, and I feel strangely calm but hollow.: October 31, 2025 (five days later)

I filed for divorce today. Dated for 4 years, Five years of marriage, twin boys who are three, and a husband who decided to go back to his ex. She came back into his life because of a medical issue, and he turned into her caretaker. I drew boundaries, he called me insecure. Now it’s over.

I’m a professor, and I earn well. My house is in my name, so at least that’s clear. But the rest is tangled. There’s a small joint property near Railway Station and some mutual funds for the kids’ education that both our names are on. It’s exhausting sorting through all of it.

I’m not falling apart. I’m functioning, working, raising my boys, But it’s lonely. I’ve never been the kind of person who keeps a big circle of friends, and right now, that silence feels heavier than usual. My parents are here but they are with kids right now and how much can I burden them with my emotional turmoil ,just wanted to vent it somewhere

 

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#----NEW UPDATE----

Update: His EX died!: July 11, 2026 (8.5 months later from the last update)

It has been around eight months since my last update, and I honestly never expected to post here again. A few days ago, I learned through mutual friends that his ex passed away.

I have not spoken to him like long conversation or something like that since I filed the divorce , so I don't know how he is doing, and I don't intend to find out either . We had legal conflicts over shared financials, but it was more or less handled through solicitors, so our personal interaction is almost nil .Earlier he used to check on kids, but we did not use to talk . He has stopped checking on kids for quite a while .Life has settled into a new routine. My focus is on raising my sons and moving forward. They are growing up quickly, and they deserve stability more than anything else. I had suicidal thoughts self-esteem issues in the beginning, but I guess I am doing mentally better now .

I just thought I should update you guys . Thank you to everyone who offered advice and kindness when I needed it.

Editor's note: OOP did not leave any comments here in this latest update

Top Comments

Commenter 1: Please don’t take him back when he comes crawling back to you. He should rot for what he did.

Commenter 2: He's not even checking on his kids?? Yikes. He had more sympathy for his ex than he does for his own living children.

I hope you and the kids are doing well and don't miss him ♥️.

Commenter 3: Glad life has settled with a new routine, and you are getting on a path for yourself and your children now growing up, it's in his choice of not checking on the kids which will bite him in the ass. That is not your responsibility nor your concern ever, it will be on him.

I do hope you are kind to yourself during this time, and I do hope you alongside your children can move from this chapter of your life once it is all settled, you are doing the best you can, and you are taking the steps of that. I'm glad you are doing better mentally at this time, I do wish you and your children the best.

 

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