AITAH for telling my boyfriend of 6 months that I feel like his mom instead of his girlfriend?

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Old-Maybe-4926

Originally posted to r/TwoHotTakes

AITAH for telling my boyfriend of 6 months that I feel like his mom instead of his girlfriend?

Trigger Warnings:

spoiler

weaponized incompetence, verbal abuse

---

Original Post: July 10, 2026

I (24F) have been dating my boyfriend (26M) for 6 months. When we first met, I honestly thought I had found someone really special. He was attentive, affectionate, and made me feel wanted. I knew he had some struggles going on in his life, and I wanted to be supportive because that’s what you do when you care about someone. But now I’m starting to wonder if I confused being supportive with becoming responsible for him.

Over the last few months, I’ve noticed that I’m carrying almost all of the mental load in our relationship. I’m the one reminding him about appointments, helping him remember important things, reminding him about deadlines, helping him plan things, and walking him through problems that he should be handling himself. If something goes wrong because he forgot, somehow it turns into me “not helping enough” because I didn’t remind him. I didn’t realize how exhausting it was until I noticed that I was constantly thinking about his responsibilities while trying to manage my own.

The part that hurts the most is that I don’t feel like he does the same for me. When I’m overwhelmed, I don’t feel like he notices unless I specifically tell him. If I’m having a bad day, I usually end up comforting myself and then still making sure he’s okay. I’ve had moments where I’ve broken down and just wanted to feel taken care of, but instead I felt like I had to explain exactly how to support me. I don’t expect him to read my mind or solve my problems, but I want to feel like I have a partner who naturally wants to show up for me too.

The breaking point happened last week when he missed an important appointment because he forgot about it. He called me extremely upset and immediately said, “You knew about this. Why didn’t you remind me?” I told him I understood he was frustrated, but I wasn’t going to take responsibility for something that was his responsibility. I said, “I love you, but I’m your girlfriend, not your mom. I can support you, but I can’t manage your entire life for you.”

That sentence apparently set him off. He completely exploded. He told me I was selfish, that I was making him feel like a burden, and that he couldn’t believe I would “throw everything he’s struggling with back in his face.” He said, “Wow, so the second I’m not perfect, you decide I’m too much work?” I tried explaining that wasn’t what I was saying, but he wouldn’t let me finish.

He told me, “I thought you were the one person who was actually going to stand by me. I guess I was wrong.” Then he said maybe he had “misjudged my character” because he thought I was more caring than this.

That honestly crushed me because I feel like I have been caring. I have shown up for him over and over again. I’ve listened to him vent, rearranged my own plans to help him, supported him when he’s stressed, and tried to make his life easier because I love him. But I’m starting to feel like the more I give, the more he expects, and the less he feels the need to give back.

I told him I don’t want a relationship where I have to constantly remind another adult to take care of himself. I want someone who chooses to be my teammate, not someone who gets upset when I stop carrying things for them.

Now he says I made him feel unloved and like I don’t accept him for who he is. Some of his friends think I was completely out of line because “that’s what you do for the person you love.” My friends think it’s a huge red flag that after only 6 months I already feel drained and that he got angry when I tried to set a boundary.

I’m honestly conflicted because I do love him. I don’t want him to feel abandoned or like he can’t rely on me. But I also don’t think loving someone means slowly losing yourself trying to keep their life together.

So, AITAH for telling my boyfriend I’m not going to be responsible for fixing his life?

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Oh honey, it doesn’t get better from here. This is his best self.

OOP: Unfortunately I’m learning that

Commenter 2: Girl, this internet stranger is proud of you for calling it out. He just showed you who he truly is. Do with that information what you will now.

OOP: Aww thank you! He’s slowly been showing me who he truly is, and it all came out yesterday. I’m just struggling with what to do from here, but I know I’ll make the right decision for myself. As I’ve gotten older I’ve learned not to take any bs from anyone.

Commenter 3: I highly recommend you read “Why Does He Do That” by Lundy Bancroft.

It’ll help you recognize manipulation, control and abuse in relationships.

https://ia601407.us.archive.org/6/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

OOP: I’ll have to look into it! Thank you for the recommendation

Commenter 4: If you wanted to make one more attempt to get him to get it, you could show him this:

https://english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

However, even if he wants to change, that doesn't equate to him having the skills. Learning those skills takes time, and persistence, and you need him to have them now. This may not be the right time for you two.

OOP: After only 6 months of dating I don’t want to put in the effort to try to change him. I’m scared it won’t work or make things worse. I think my best decision is to leave him. But thank you so much for the advice!

Commenter 5: WHAT. THE. FUUUUUCK?? The GALL of this guy! You’ve been in his life 6 months. How the fuck is any of this your responsibility? Was someone else managing his life until he passed the baton to you without your knowledge? He’s acting like you interviewed for a job and he hired you. That’s not what this is.

OOP: I have no idea how he managed his life before me and I honestly don’t care enough to know

OOP's next step on this relationship with her boyfriend

OOP: I do still love him. It’s hard to let love go sometimes. His blow up happened two days ago, and I am planning to end things with him after everyone has helped put this into perspective for me.

Commenter 6: What could you possibly love about him? His attentiveness? Get a dog. He’s affectionate? Get a dog. He made you feel wanted? Get. A. Dog.

You are his girlfriend. Not his mother. Not his helpmate. Nothing but his girlfriend. He should be showing you how responsible he is in order for you to feel safe, valued and respected. He’s doing the complete opposite.

Again, I ask, what do you love about him? Your post doesn’t describe how he treats you other than being his concierge.

OOP: I actually do have a dog 😂 but I understand the point you’re making. I think my post came across like I was only describing what he does for me, when really I was trying to explain the specific issue I was struggling with.

The reality is, I’ve realized this dynamic isn’t something I want in a relationship. I don’t want to be someone’s reminder system, manager, or the person responsible for keeping their life together. I can support a partner, but I can’t carry responsibilities that belong to them.

I do care about him, but caring about someone doesn’t mean staying in a situation that isn’t healthy for me. After thinking about it, I am choosing to end the relationship because I don’t want to continue feeling like I’m in a caretaker role instead of an equal partnership. I appreciate the perspective because it helped me look at the situation more clearly.

Commenter 7: He can do it. This is manipulation to make you do because he doesn’t want to. He won’t know how to do laundry or change the bedsheets or change a diaper if you get married and have kids.

He is not confused. He knows what he is doing. Now he is using anger and guilt to get you to continue

Dating is to see if you are compatible you found out fairly quickly that you weren’t compatible, but he was so lovely when you started so. Now you are working to get that back. This is another tactic of manipulation. Be perfect at the beginning and the other partner will always clamor to get that perfect relationship back.

So now you know at 6 months that you definitely are not compatible, but will you leave. This is the hard part because you still want this perfect beginning relationship back. But it will never come back ) or perhaps it will for a few days to get you to think it’s back) but what you are seeing here is the real relationship the forever relationship.

OOP: I think this comment really helped me put things into perspective. I spent a lot of time trying to separate “he’s a good person who I care about” from “is this relationship dynamic actually healthy for me?” and I’m realizing those are two different things.

I don’t want to assume every mistake or struggle is intentional manipulation, but I also can’t ignore how the situation has made me feel. I shouldn’t have to repeatedly ask, remind, or take on the responsibility of managing another adult’s life, especially when it’s starting to impact how I see my partner.

The hardest part has been accepting that the person I loved at the beginning and the relationship I hoped we were building may not be the reality of what this has become. I kept holding onto the good moments and hoping things would go back to how they were, but I’m realizing I have to look at the relationship as it is now, not just the potential of what it could be.

After reflecting on everything, I have decided to end the relationship. It’s painful because I do care about him, but I also know I need a partnership where both people are equally responsible for themselves and their lives.

Any chances that OOP's boyfriend has ADHD?

OOP: I’m sure he does but he’s never been diagnosed

 

Update: July 13, 2026 (three days later)

UPDATE: I showed him the Reddit post, and I finally saw the relationship for what it really was.

I honestly didn’t think I would be writing this update. When I made my original post, I was sitting there questioning myself. I was wondering if I was being selfish, if I was expecting too much, if I was a bad girlfriend for feeling exhausted by constantly being the person who kept everything together. A part of me wanted Reddit to tell me I was wrong because admitting the truth meant I had to accept something I didn’t want to accept. I wasn’t just frustrated. I was unhappy.

After reading through the comments, I decided to show my boyfriend the post. I want to be clear that I didn’t do this to embarrass him or have thousands of people attack him. I showed him because I was desperate for him to understand that this wasn’t coming from a place of anger. I loved him. I wanted us to work. I wanted him to understand that I wasn’t saying, “You’re a terrible person.” I was saying, “I’m drowning, and I need you to notice.”

Instead, the second he saw the comments, everything changed. He immediately became angry. He said I was humiliating him, that I was painting him as the bad guy, and that I had betrayed him by letting strangers know about our relationship. He kept saying things like, “So this is what you really think of me?” and “You’ve just been secretly resenting me this whole time?” I tried explaining that I wasn’t hiding some horrible opinion of him. I was trying to explain a feeling I had been too scared to say out loud because I knew he would react this way.

He didn’t ask me why I felt this way. He didn’t ask what he could do differently. He didn’t say, I’m sorry you’ve been feeling alone. He focused on how hurt he was that I said it. And that was the moment something in me broke.

Because I realized that even when I was the one hurting, I was still expected to take care of his emotions. I was crying. I was telling him how overwhelmed I felt. I was telling him I felt like I was losing myself. And somehow, I ended up apologizing. I ended up comforting him. I ended up reassuring him that he wasn’t a bad person. Again.

After the argument, I sat there thinking, When did my feelings become something I had to apologize for? That was when I knew I couldn’t keep doing this. I broke up with him.

And I need people to understand that this was not an easy decision. I didn’t leave because he forgot an appointment. I didn’t leave because he needed help. I didn’t leave because he was struggling. I left because I realized I had slowly become a caretaker in a relationship where I was supposed to be a partner.

The part that has been the hardest to admit is what I learned afterward about how his life was managed before me. I had always assumed he was just going through a difficult time. I thought he was overwhelmed because life had gotten hard and he needed someone in his corner. But after talking more with people close to him, I realized this was not a new situation.

His mom had been doing a lot of these things for him for years. She was the person who reminded him about appointments, helped him stay organized, reminded him about responsibilities, and stepped in when things went wrong. She handled things that most adults eventually learn to manage themselves. And honestly, I think that’s why this dynamic felt so natural to him.

I don’t think he was intentionally trying to make me his mom. I think he was used to someone else filling that role. When I came into his life, I unknowingly stepped into the space she had occupied for years. I became the person who reminded him, planned for him, worried about things for him, and helped prevent consequences.

The scary part is that I didn’t even realize it was happening until I was already exhausted. I remember thinking, If I stop reminding him, will everything fall apart? And that is not a normal feeling to have six months into a relationship.

A lot of people asked in the comments why I stayed if I felt this way so early on. The answer is because I genuinely loved him. He wasn’t some horrible person all the time. He was sweet. He was affectionate. He made me feel loved in so many ways. That’s what made leaving so painful.

I wasn’t leaving because there was no love. I was leaving because love alone wasn’t enough. I needed a partner. Not someone I had to parent. The hardest part is that I still care about him. I still hope he grows. I still hope he learns how to take ownership of his life and becomes the person I know he can be. But I also realized something important, someone can be a good person and still not be ready to be a good partner. I spent months proving that I would stand by him no matter what. But I never stopped to ask if he was willing to stand beside me.

The weird thing is, as heartbreaking as this has been, I also feel a sense of relief that I didn’t expect. For the first time in months, I don’t feel like I’m constantly waiting for the next thing to go wrong. I don’t feel like I have to keep track of someone else’s responsibilities while trying to manage my own life. I don’t feel like I’m carrying the weight of two people anymore.

I have so much more clarity now. Looking back, I can see all the little moments where I was slowly taking on more and more responsibility, convincing myself that it was just what love looked like. I thought being a supportive girlfriend meant always stepping in, always fixing, always reminding, always understanding. But I learned that there is a difference between supporting someone and carrying them.

And even though breaking up with him hurt more than I can explain, there is a part of me that feels lighter. Like I can finally breathe again. I can miss him and still know I made the right choice. I can love him and still choose myself.

So for everyone who commented that I wasn’t his girlfriend anymore, I was his life manager, you were right. I wasn’t asking for perfection. I wasn’t asking him to never struggle. I was asking him to carry his own weight.

I finally accepted that I cannot love someone into becoming responsible. I can only decide what kind of relationship I’m willing to stay in.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: It hurts now. It'll hurt for a while. You're grieving the loss of your relationship, and the loss of the man you thought existed. The man you perceived your ex to be is dead; he was killed by the actions/choices of the man that exists in your perception now. That's fucking ROUGH. But you're gonna make it out the other side and realize alllll that shit was just fertilizer for the new growth as a person you're gonna experience. I'm so sorry you're hurting. But I'm very glad you're free of the burden that he thrust upon you.

OOP: Thank you for this. This honestly put into words something I’ve been struggling to explain. I think the hardest part has been grieving the person I thought I knew and the future I thought we were building. It’s such a strange feeling to miss someone while also knowing that the version of them you loved isn’t the person you’re seeing now.

It does hurt, and I know healing won’t happen overnight, but I also feel a lot of clarity and relief that I didn’t have before. As painful as this has been, I can finally breathe knowing I’m not carrying the weight of trying to fix everything alone anymore. I’m trying to remind myself that losing this relationship doesn’t mean I lost my future, it just means I’m making room for one that’s healthier for me.

Thank you for the reminder that this pain is part of growth. I really needed to hear that.

Commenter 2: Good for you for tossing aside that toxic man child. Now you need to work on yourself. You need some therapy to find out how you ended up in that situation. You need therapy to find out how to put yourself first. And you need it to help you to recognize red flags. Good luck to you! I’m proud of you!!

OOP: I have been considering therapy for a while now. I think it’s time for me to commit to that. I know it would benefit so much, and I would become an even better version of myself.

Commenter 3: Good for you. Just wondering, how did he react?

OOP: To the breakup? When I said I can’t do this anymore and that I want to breakup he immediately flipped a switch and started crying and coming to me for comfort. Begging me not to end things. He kept saying things like “I can change and make things better.” But I told him it was too late.

Commenter 4: You're allowed to feel whatever the hell you want to feel because that is your right. But having to calculate, manage and downplay your feelings because you know that there will be negative consequences if you express them louder than a whisper is wrong. So very, very wrong. You should be able to expect support from your partner whether you feel down or happy.

Support, not hiding, not downplaying not keeping them to yourself.

Things are pretty crazy right now so please take care of yourself, cut yourself some slack and don't beat yourself up for not recognizing the situation you found yourself in.

And fyi, you'll ask yourself, 'how did I get here/how did this happen?' And the truth is, people like your ex prey upon and look for people like yourself who is caring, empathetic, generous with their time, feelings, willingness to do things for them. They know exactly what they're doing, and they know exactly how to exploit those things out of the people in their lives. And I know, it's a huge shock because you would NEVER even dream of treating someone like this.

That's why it's so easy to fall into this trap. Their motives are totally different from what you've ever known. And it sucks meeting people like this because you end up feeling crazy, depleted, so confused, upset and you don't get why they don't understand and why can't they see you’re not attacking or trying to hurt their feelings etc. etc.

it's quite literally a losing battle with this type.

Reach out to your close confidants/family and tell them what's happened, and they'll be there to encourage and support you. In no time you'll start getting the old you back, you'll start to see and recognize all of the tricks and manipulation your ex used on you and you're mind will be blown at how f*cked up he was treating you.

You deserve way, waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay better. And you'll definitely find that too. You seem like a very kind, caring, giving, hardworking person and yeah, you'll find someone who will not only match that but will want to go above and beyond for you because they care so much.

Good luck OP, you're definitely going in the right direction!

OOP: Thank you so much for taking the time to write all of this. There were so many times in that relationship where I found myself swallowing my feelings because I knew bringing them up would somehow turn into me comforting him instead. I didn’t even realize how much of myself I had been shrinking until I finally stepped away.

Reading comments like yours has honestly helped me process everything. I keep replaying things in my head and realizing just how much I normalized because I loved him and wanted things to work. It’s hard to accept that someone can take advantage of kindness when that’s not something I’d ever do to another person, but I’m starting to see it more clearly now.

I’m definitely leaning on my family and the people closest to me, and for the first time in a long time I feel like I can actually breathe. It still hurts, but the relief and clarity are so much bigger than I expected. Thank you for reminding me that I deserve a relationship where I don’t have to make myself smaller just to keep the peace. That really meant a lot. ❤️.

 

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP