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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2026-07-31 04:02:10+00:00.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Ok_Baby6721

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITAH for telling my Dad what my Husband saw my sister doing...

Trigger Warnings: medical health issues, infidelity, neglect

Original Post: July 20, 2026

I could really use some outside perspective because this situation has been weighing heavily on me, and I’m struggling with how to process everything.

My sister has been married for almost 20 years. Earlier this year, her husband suffered a major stroke and was hospitalized. He was discharged in March 2026 and has been left with significant disabilities and new limitations. It has been a life changing event for him, my sister, and their family.

During the time he was in the hospital, I tried very hard to support my sister. I could see how scared and overwhelmed she was, and I repeatedly told her that she wasn’t alone and that we would be there for her. I offered help however I could. When she was worried about how she would manage things at home, I even offered to help pay for a ramp for their house so he could safely get around. There were nights when she was at the hospital late, and I gave her rides home so she wouldn’t have to walk alone at 3 a.m.

Before his stroke, her husband was always the primary provider in their marriage. My sister has not worked outside the home during their 20 year marriage, so after his stroke, the expectation was that she would be the person helping care for him while he adjusted to his new reality.

As time went on, I became increasingly concerned about whether he was getting the support and care he needed. He still has a nurse who comes by once a day, and I was told the nurse had concerns that he was sometimes being left sitting in his own urine for hours before she arrived. There were also situations where I was told he was being left alone for extended periods of time and struggling with basic needs. Knowing how vulnerable he was after a major stroke was heartbreaking for me.

Last week my husband saw my sister at the back of her restaurant with another man. He said they were holding hands and it looked like a date. I asked him a ton if questions he described the guy and it definitely wasn't her husband or a family member. I want to be clear that I do not know the full truth, and I do not want to accuse someone of something I cannot prove.

I brought my concerns to my sister because I felt it was important to have an honest conversation. I explained what my husband had seen and why it concerned me, especially given everything her husband had just gone through.

She confirmed that it was her and she was there with another man. Her response then was to avoid really addressing what I was bringing up after that. She did not provide much explanation or engage with it, which I found unusual and left me with more questions. I was not looking for a fight or trying to shame her. I wanted to understand what was happening because I cared about both of them. It obviously looked bad and I didn't want to think the worse, but why wouldn't she just tell me then?

After I spoke with my sister about what my husband had seen, my brother in law called me that night. He asked if my sister had been with me all day. I told him that I actually had not seen her in a few weeks, he got emotional and started crying. He opened up to me about what he was going through, he said he thinks she's been sleeping with someone, and I listened to him. Hearing him so upset was very difficult because I knew how much he had already been through after his stroke and how vulnerable he was during this time.

I felt uneasy and I spoke with my dad about my concerns, he seemed to understand why I was questioning the situation and said actually that would make a lot of sense. For context my dad and I have always been close, and Ive actually saved his life a few times when he was in tough medical situations and stayed by his bedside for weeks. I had an opportunity to move abroad and decided to stay close to be near him after my mom passed away. I bought a house a few blocks away, I’m there whenever he needs anything. He explained that my sister had told him she had been doing certain activities alone that are not normal things people do alone, like going to the movies or going for hikes. He said he could understand why I was questioning whether she may have been spending time with someone and that would fill in some gaps for him. He also said that my brother accused her of cheating on him, I said maybe it was something else and said maybe it was a friend or family member he said no probably not.

The next day my dad called me, and the conversation was completely different. He told me that he was up all night and that he thought what I was saying was “bull****” and that he would only believe it if it came directly from my sister.

I asked him if he thought my sister would be honest with him if something was going on. He said he was not going to confront her and that he didn’t think she would tell him the truth anyways, but that eventually the truth would come out because someone would see her.

I told him that I felt like this was exactly what’s happening now.. because my husband had seen her. I asked him if he thought my husband was lying. He said no that he believed my husband was telling the truth, but that he did not want to hear about it anymore.

Then he got really angry with me and told me that he was not going to hear anything bad about his daughter from anyone, and that included me. I told him, “I’m your daughter too.” He said, “I know, but I’m not going to f****** tolerate this from you”

He then told me to “go pound salt” and said he never wanted to talk to me ever again. He said he did not want to hear anything about this or from me ever again, and then he hung up on me.

A few hours later, I tried calling my dad back because I did not want things to end that way and I wanted to try to repair the conversation. When he answered, he told me to f-off hung up on me again.

Since then, I have been deeply hurt and heartbroken by everything that has happened. At this point, I do not feel like I can keep reaching out and putting myself in a position to be rejected. I have decided that I am not going to contact my family again unless they reach out to me and are willing to apologize and have a respectful conversation.

My sister also reached out and said she would be dropping off some of my belongings tomorrow and then “that’s that,” which felt like she may not want to have a relationship with me moving forward. That has been incredibly painful.

I’m trying to look at this objectively. Am I wrong for feeling this way? If you believed a vulnerable family member was possibly being neglected or betrayed after a life changing medical event, how would you handle it? Would you speak up or stay out of it?

I’m not looking for people to attack my sister. I love her. I’m genuinely trying to understand if I handled this wrong, if I crossed a line, and how to move forward with compassion while also being honest about the situation.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Why would you tell your Dad? Your sister is an adult. Your Dad doesn't control her, isn't able to punish her, etc. Unless your plan is to isolate her from her family and all support keep your mouth shut.

If you think she is medically neglecting her spouse, speak to his medical team. Leave the moral judgments about betrayal out of it.

OOP: I wanted his perspective, I didn't want to assume the worst about her and I was hoping he knew something I didn't, and well I guess to your other point he could leave her out of his will or scold her or something if he wanted to punish her, he obviously didn't have a problem doing that to me...but yeah I would never want to isolate her from anyone. His medical team is already aware.

Commenter 2: She’s looking for an exit strategy. He clearly was just an ATM to your sister. She wants a new provider not a new husband. NTA you should tell him everything. You would want your in laws to do the same thing if your husband was cheating on you

Commenter 3: Or maybe it’s hard having a husband not be what you married. She’s definitely cheating and this doesn’t excuse it, but it’s not easy having someone you take care all the time who’s no longer capable. I can totally see how someone can fall for someone else during the hard time.

OOP: I get that it's hard.. she should ask for help she could have reached out to us or his family, also its only been 4 months

Commenter 4: NTA call in adult protective services for your brother in law please.

Commenter 5: Yes this is elder abuse and she can be prosecuted. Depending on the state she can be in serious trouble for not caring for him properly.

Commenter 6: Abuse, definitely. Elder abuse? Depending on ages, I'd be VERY cautious with that terminology.

I'm not trying to say you're incorrect in calling out the abuse. But "Elder" has some very strict definitions regarding age, and if the BIL is not old enough, then OP could potentially waste valuable/limited time on an incorrect path. Different agencies handle different things. I'v...

Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1vbfxqz/aitah_for_telling_my_dad_what_my_husband_saw_my/

Commenter 6: Abuse, definitely. Elder abuse? Depending on ages, I'd be VERY cautious with that terminology.

I'm not trying to say you're incorrect in calling out the abuse. But "Elder" has some very strict definitions regarding age, and if the BIL is not old enough, then OP could potentially waste valuable/limited time on an incorrect path. Different agencies handle different things. I've called in Elder Abuse tips before (for a previous job) and while some of those workers are very good about providing other resources immediately if the situation didn't call under their jurisdictions, the rest of those workers would just waste my time, claim to open a case, let it sit for a few weeks, then finally call me back to tell me "Oh, the victim isn't old enough, call somebody else".

OOP: He's only 47, not quite Elder lol

Commenter 7: Your dad is projecting and over compensating because your sister told him the truth. She is incapable of standing by her partner while they are recovering. She complained about how hard it is. Your dad took that and ran, he is now covering for her because he doesn’t want to admit he has been in the same position as BIL. Your dad saw the cruel truth of what it’s like to be in need and essentially be a burden to those around you. He wants to prove that reality isn’t true.

OOP: Honestly about the projection part.. now that you're saying this it reminded me that my Dad was distant when my mom was going through cancer treatments.

OOP clarifies on who lived at her parents’ house and how she cared for her mother until her death

OOP: Uhh wait sorry I’ll try to clear this up, I think there's some misunderstanding here. Basically, I lived a few hours away from my hometown before my mom got sick, when she was diagnosed I moved back home to help her, I was able to work remotely and flexed my schedule. So I lived with them for about 6 months taking care of her until she passed it was quick unfortunately. My Dad still worked the whole time, and my sister was MIA. I was the one always there for her, and we even made a bucket list and got to do most of it before she passed away together I don't regret that time...

After she passed, my Dad was really unwell... arguably he still is.. it's been almost 7 years now. My husband and I have been married for 6 and we have a toddler.

After my mom passed my Dad struggled a lot, he was really depressed, suicidal thoughts etc. He stopped taking care of himself, horrible hygiene and didn't clean the house, etc. I talked to my husband, and we decided to move closer to help support him and he worked out for his work too. So we bought a house that we live in now it's a block or two away from him. Less than a ten minute walk with a walking path shortcut.

My Dad still lives in the house we grew up in, my sister lives across town with her husband but she's going to be moving in with him now.. she hasn't just yet something about having claims to the house or house abandonment.. not sure.

Additional Information from OOP

OOP: It's already been reported by his care team, so they're already aware (sorry if that was not clear in my post) also his family is now aware of the situation.

BIL has a big family, he’s the oldest of four siblings who are all married and have kids spouses etc. I’m not sure how much they can support him, his parents are in a retirement home but they're aware and all went out for breakfast this morning to talk about it with him.

Update: July 24, 2026 (four days later)

UPDATE - AITAH for telling my Dad what my Husband saw my sister doing..

Just wanted to give an update for those who requested it. I read all of your comments, and I appreciate the wide variety of takes, information and support.

First of all I wanted to assure everyone who was worried that BIL is okay. The night after this all happened, I saw that BIL removed me from social media and I couldn't get ahold of him. Turns out my sister took his phone and blocked me on it and she didn't tell him, so he thought I was the one who blocked him. I still had him on Instagram and reached out there, and we figured out what had happened.

Long story short I reached out to his sister...he's being taken care of by his family now who are all stepping in to help. Turns out they never liked my sister and over the years have slowly drifted apart and were even estranged at one point because of her, they didn't like the way she treated him or the rest of the family, and he'd always defend her, so it caused a rift. At first I wasn't sure how this was going to go but they are all coming together for him after some emotional moments and apologies.

He has two sisters and a brother who are all married and they've all been taking checking on him regularly, between his siblings and their spouses. They've also upped the nurses and PSWs coming over, plus his rehab appointments for physio and BIL has also joined a few support groups that have been coming to his place to pick him up to take him to the community center for their group meetings, the volunteers check on him during the pickups, he's also going to therapy to help him deal with his new normal. I think he is good for now despite everything else being emotionally taxing.

However my sister did confirm that she is going to divorce him and they're looking into housing and care options for him because they'd have to sell their current home. The plan is for her to move in with my father. I already know that's not going to go well. Their lifestyles definitely clash, they've lived together before and it was nothing but arguments. My sister is lazy, very messy in the kitchen and a bad cook who gets upset over any even perceived criticisms, my Dad is particular about the kitchen and his food, and tells it like he sees it. So I can't see that working out. My sister seems to cause havoc wherever she goes, and this will likely not be the exception.

So I thought about what I would do if my daughter came to me to tell me something like this about her sister. If I put myself in the father's position, I'd probably have several emotions at once.

My first reaction would likely be concern. If my daughter is married and another daughter tells me she saw her holding hands with someone else, I'd realize that's a serious claim, but I'd want to avoid jumping to conclusions and I wouldn't want to think that way about my daughter, I get that he has some hard emotions here... but also..

I'd also appreciate that my youngest daughter trusted me enough to tell me. She's bringing me something she believes is important and looking for advice. I wouldn't want to dismiss her or make her feel like she'd done something wrong simply by telling me, that's absolutely bad parenting. Especially to react the way he did and to treat me so brutally.

I'd probably feel conflicted about how to deal with it. As a parent, I wouldn't want to get in the middle of my adult children's marriage. I'd have to think carefully about whether this is something I should act on or whether it's primarily between the married couple. Parents sometimes get involved where they shouldn't and I get that, but they should also be able to bring up their concerns as well.

So my response would probably be something like: "Thank you for telling me. I know this couldn't have been easy. I don't know exactly what happened, so I'm not going to make assumptions, but I appreciate that you came to me."

Maybe that's hoping for too much, but I think you get my point.

I’d want my kids to know they can come to me about anything, and they shouldn't be afraid of that or made to feel bad about it, especially when it's a hard or difficult topic.

I would not be angry at the daughter who told me, unless maybe she had a pattern of deliberately spreading false rumors or trying to cause harm. If that were the case it would be annoying for sure but also expected and I would know not to take it too seriously.

But that isn't the case here, and simply telling me what she or her husband witnessed wouldn't, by itself, make me think she had done anything wrong. Especially when it was done the way I brought it up, I didn't make assumptions, I didn't accuse her of anything or label my sister as anything I simply told my Dad that happened I was worried about them not having enough support in a challenging time.

I also thought about how I would react if I were in my sister shoes, like if someone thought I was cheating on my husband and saw something my response would have been to clear up the situation and explain it, or maybe even laugh about it...rather than lash out in anger, I think her reaction actually just confirmed that she is definitely a lying cheater.

As for my Dad he called me yesterday, so about a week and a half of us not talking which isn't like us. He called me, I was in the middle of something but thought if I didn't answer it could get worse. He was very curt with me on the phone, "What’s up" is what he first said when I picked up, short and abrupt not the usual "hey how are you?"

I ignored his what's up and asked him how he was doing, he said he sick and getting over a cold and has felt off and like something was wrong all week. Then he said he just wanted to make sure me and the family was okay, he asked me how my daughter's birthday party went (he was invited before all of this happened and he didn't attend)

Normally I'd send him photos or a video of her blowing out the candles, but I didn't bother this time. He said he didn't come because he didn't feel well and didn't want to get her sick on her birthday, but he has a gift for her and then he got off the phone.

It was short and quick, I didn't want to get into it, but I do want an apology. He shouldn't have talked to me like that and whenever I have the time or chance I’m going to tell him that it really hurt me the way he spoke to me.

Regardless, this has changed the view I have on my sister and my Dad. It hurt me so deeply that my Dad could talk to me like that so easily. It also made me think about a ton of other scenarios, stuff that happened with my mom and how my Dad acted in those moments says a lot.

And as for my sister? It also feels like a huge let down, I have always given her the benefit of the doubt and clearly that's been grossly misplaced. I really believed that she was a better person than this, like yeah I’ve had my doubt, but I knew when push comes to shove she'd always do the right thing, but that's not true...the disappointment hurts and it's hard to accept but I am trying to see it for what it is. I know that people are all on a spectrum, not all bad or all good but this feels too far gone and I don't want someone like that in my life or around my kids.

Ive always been the one who steps in for them, I'm not going to do that anymore, her and my Dad can rely on each other from now on whatever mess that looks like. I’m just going to concentrate on my own family.

At my daughter's birthday party I realized how much support we have around us and my best friends that I've known since I was a baby are both more like sisters to me than my real sister ever has been. I love them so much and we all have kids around the same age, it really does feel like our own family.

I’m going to concentrate on that and put more effort into the good relationships and slowly drop the bad ones even if they're family. I could use the same excuse for them in reverse, if they're supposed to be there for family then why weren't they there for me?

So I'm slowly going to just step back and let them have each other, I don't want or need that in my life. Thanks for all of your support.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Once someone close to you, shows how poorly they handle bad news and how quickly that can turn into anger towards you, it’s really hard to fix. Know that you did the right thing.

OOP: It was definitely shocking and painful. I'm still grieving it for sure. I really appreciate it ❤️.

Commenter 2: Do not let your dad get away with how he treated you. Don't let him act like it never happened. Every time he calls say you still owe me an apology for how you treated me. We can't go forward until you do. I need to know you recognize how you treated me was wrong.

OOP: Yeah I think you're right.. it's definitely going to be challenging though. I've always picked up the phone anytime my dad's called no matter what I'm doing cuz I want to make sure he's okay, he's had a few health scares, Ive called 911 twice now. I think I'll stay in touch just enough to make sure his health is okay but nothing else beyond that and I'm not going to share much if anything of my life. His actions changed our relationship and I'm not going to pretend that it didn't.

Commenter 3: Do you really though? Your sister is living with him so she can take on the responsibility. Your dad told you to fuck off and he thinks some funky phone call is gonna make it better? Fuck that noise.

Instead of waiting for him to reach out you should text him (that way there's no room for him to interrupt you) and tell him how everything he did to you was hurtful. Tell him that you're not going to anyone's saving grace anymore. From now on he and your sister can figure out things on their own.

Your dad and sister are ungrateful and selfish people. Whatever happens moving forward in none of your concern anymore.

OOP: Mmm ya I think so, he's definitely not a texting person and it's probably a conversation to try to have in person if not then over the phone. I would still worry about him.. regardless of all of this I mean.. it’s hard to go from taking care of someone and worrying about them to absolutely nothing cold turkey lol

I haven't had that talk with him yet, but I think I will? Debating on slowly fking off as he told me to do or if I should tell him how much he hurt me and then try to gauge that reaction, see if he apologizes or gets defensive or we'll see what happens.. I guess I don't want to even go there if he's just going to be a dick about it.. if so then I'd rather not and I guess he's already proven that when I come to him with a concern it might blow up in my face so..

A part of me feels like he needs to understand the impact of this and I don't think he actually does, he's just thinking about how my sisters life is screwed up right now I don't think he understands how I feel at all and a part of that is my fault because of how I reacted when he called me

I probably shouldn't have picked up habit I guess, but either way this has definitely hurt a ton from my side, and our relationship can't go back to how it was before I know that. I don't know what that looks like right now whether that’s completely gone or bare minimum, I’m leaving towards bare minimum for now... this is new territory for me. My husband has cut out his father, and I saw how that went down, his Dad was another level of terrible though...

I think as someone who has already saved my Dad's life twice by being there I don't know how I’d feel if I wasn't there when he needed someone and something happened when I could have done something, call that selfish if you want but yeah I'd feel horrible. At the same time if he doesn't want me there which seems like he doesn't then not really anything I can do really... ya sorry for the rant lol it's not easy

Commenter 4: Right but now your sister is there all the time & he’s chosen her to take care of him. She’s gotta be the one calling 911 now and making sure he’s safe. If you don’t set that boundary, then you’re always answering the call. If you’re always answering that call, then nothing has changed and to them you have yet again pushed your own needs aside to pretend nothing has changed and nothing bad happened.

OOP: I understand what you're saying but I’m not going to let my Dad being a miserable jerk dictate who I am as a person if that makes sense, even if he was awful to me. If someone is an awful person, me being awful in return isn't the answer or the right way of dealing with it, it just makes me gross along with them.

I'd feel sick if I could have helped him and chose not to and he suffers.

I'm definitely not going to hang around but if I know something is wrong I'm going to try to do something about it. Even if it's just asking the cops to do a wellness check or something. I refuse to be the person who knows something and does nothing, which is probably why I'm in this situation in the first place lol

Commenter : NTA. Your sister infuriates me so much. Must not have been much love there for her husband to just discard him when he was no longer useful to her. She is a very, very selfish person. Maybe when she gets ill this person she chose will just up and leave and that would be karma. Your dad should never have said what he did to you. He showed you who he cares about and it’s not you. Let them have each other. Just please don’t crawl back into that mess when they need you again, and they will because they’re both just users. They will use each other up and will need you again, don’t fall for it.

OOP: That's what I can't seem to make sense of. Before all of this, they seemed deeply in love and incredibly supportive of each other. Her behavior now feels like a complete 180. While he was in the hospital, she was by his side constantly, crying and praying for his recovery, saying I wish it was me, so he didn't have to go through this. That's why the way she's acting now is so difficult for me to understand. She is acting like the stroke killed him and he doesn't exist anymore.

OOP responds to a long thread about her SIL's behaviors and making everything about herself

OOP: Hey this sorta checks, in the sense that she's will sometimes catastrophize things? For example she randomly self-diagnosed herself and others with things they don't have and its usually like a worst case scenario thing, the worst example I can remember is when she thought she had breast cancer when she was in her early 20s, everyone was worried about her, as her sister I was so scared for her, I asked a ton of questions then she asked me to look at this spot but it was literally a pimple on her chest lol

This is also why she hasn't worked in years because everything is presumed worst case scenario, for example a friend got her a job at a pizza place she worked at.. it was supposed to be 4 hour shifts for 3 days a week, during the busy times on the weekend, they asked her to come in for 6 hours on her first day for training and orientation, she quit on the spot because she said that's not what they agreed on, they said 4 hour shifts so they're already lying and taking advantage of her and she's not going to tolerate that treatment. Her friend was embarrassed she stuck her neck out for her at work and that's what happened. There's been a few times where something similar has happened like that, where someone put in a good word for her and it doesn't work out. She says she doesn't want a job where she's restricted to someone's time and schedule, and she wants to take breaks whenever she wants to not have to do it around other people's schedules.

Honestly I've chalked it up to her being quirky, dramatic and a bit high maintenance...but it's more and more clear that it's something else.

But also with this situation she kinda did make it about herself... especially after the hospital because she made it out that her husband was abusing her to my Dad(after asking a ton of questions basically her idea of him is abusing her is because she has to take care of him) and we should feel bad for her being the real victim who didn't ask for this, she also said he's controlling and abusive because he’s accusing her of doing things behind his back (things that she is actually doing)

Her husband found out she went out on a date with someone he used to work with, a former friend of his and when he confronted her and asked her about it she said that it was abusive for him to ask her and accuse her of it, but she actually did it, there was a photo of them together so...

She also said she has CPTSD because her husband was in the hospital and she needs treatment for all of the trauma she went through (again self-diagnosed), I tend not to take her too seriously and I’ll say things like well make sure you get that looked at or make sure you talk to someone about that, there's never any follow through.. sometimes she'll tell me that the doctors don't see anything there or results of somethings and basically they always say she’s fine.

There's been times when they've told her, "no you don't have that" and she'll say doctors misdiagnosed her and this happens to women a lot etc. and I get that it does happen but I'm not sure if that's specific to women's health related things or everything, regardless somethings like blood tests are pretty concrete

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

Talk about fucked. Sister jumped ship as soon as money stopped and her father lashed out at op for telling dad to help fix this. Better to cut out trash