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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2026-08-01 20:09:08+00:00.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Seikm

I [21M] hurt my sister [22F] in a moment of madness 5 years ago. She still doesn't talk to me. Is there any hope that she'll forgive me? I'm kind of getting tired of trying.

TRIGGER WARNING: Physical violence

MOOD SPOILER: Grim

Original Post  June 22, 2016

When I was 16 and her 17 we had a huge fight. I was cheating for a homework (I was paying someone to do it for me) and she told the school and I received a huge disciplinary action. When I got home we had a fight and I ended up punching her in the face and a kicking her stomach with my knee. It was really one of the stupidest things I did in my life.

Our parents understandably (and rightly) punished the shit out of me. They took all my shit and grounded me like forever. I deserved it. My sister never talked to me after that and moved out a few months later. I tried apologizing to her many times and since she wasn't talking to me I used to write her letters and swipe them under the door into her room but none of them made any difference. Before that incident things were pretty normal between us. We had the usual sibling fights but we always got back together and never had major issues.

She wouldn't come to eat at the table if I was there. So I always stayed in my room and always ate later or sometimes my mom brought something to me to my room. I stopped going to family gatherings, weddings, birthdays, vacations, ... so that she would go because otherwise she wouldn't. When I moved out I didn't come back home for Christmas, thanksgiving, parent's birthdays, I always went a few days before or after when she wasn't there. I'm giving her birthday gifts through our mom but she's not accepting them. I'm sending her letters still, not sure if she even reads them.

I'm doing all I can really. I've tried for 5 years and she's not showing any signs that she has any interest in sorting things out with me. I don't know if I should keep going like this or not.

My parents want to go to Italy this summer for a week and they want us to come as well. I really like to go as I haven't had a vacation with my parents for 5 years but I know that as things are that means she won't come, and I don't want her to miss this chance because of what I did either, so I'm again inclined to tell my parents that I'd rather not come and they should take my sister. I don't know how long I should keep thinking like this, is there an end date? The other night I dreamed that my grandfather died and I ended up missing the funeral because of the same reason.

How long do I need to keep making sacrifices for that moment of madness. I wish she would just punch me back 20 times over and we could move on.

Anyway, rant over. Any tips for me? Do I keep doing it? What do I do for the holiday? Is there a time to stop punishing myself for what happened?

tl;dr: I hurt my sister 5 years ago and she's still not talking to me. I'm tired of doing all I can to make things right and don't know if I should keep going or stop and do what I want rather than what she wants.

Edit: thanks people. I'm gonna stop trying. I'll stop the letters and gifts. I'll keep avoiding family gatherings so she won't have to face me. Im gonna decline this invitation for the Italy trip as well. She should go.

Edit 2: I'm thinking of going away. Maybe living somewhere far away. Perhaps another state. Taking a break from everything and everyone here. Maybe that's what she needs from me, to not be around anymore.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

We all do asshole things from time to time. What distinguishes the good from the bad guys is how you make it right.

It does sound like (a) it was very bad, but (b) you have gone a very long way over very many years to show genuine contrition.

IMHO it is time she stopped bearing a grudge and extended an olive branch, but that is totally her decision and you have to live with the fact that she may never, ever feel she wants to do this.

You could ASK your parents to ASK her if she'd be prepared to meet you all together for a lunch (not a whole holiday). I'm sure they'd prefer you to get on. But again, they can only ask and suggest, not pressure.

This may be unfixable. I have no idea just how badly you hurt her emotionally and physically

OOP

Parents tried talking to her (without me asking) and she doesn't want to discuss it. I asked my parents to stop trying to pressure her. It has to be her decision.

Last year I was very sick and I had a couple of surgeries. She didn't visit/call. Parents were upset but I asked them to not hold it against her. I don't know. I could have died. If that wasn't enough for her to reconsider maybe nothing ever is.

[deleted]

No, that sounds like her decision is final. Sometimes life is that way: we do something stupid that takes a moment but has lifetime of repercussions. Its one of the things I hate about life.

The problem is, she will never give herself a chance to see the "new you", so she'll never get a chance to revise her view. You are frozen in time as an 16 asshole.

My SO had a similar rumble with her bro, oh, 12 years ago, cut him out, her mother pushed her endlessly to reconcile, and in the end she cut out her mother too because mom wouldnt get it, wouldnt take no for an answer. He has married, had kids, still nothing, And I know she will never ever forgive him whatever happens.

SnoreBaby

Dude what. OP assaulted his sister. This isn't bearing a grudge over something petty. A family member beat her up. She has every right to stay away from him. If he were a boyfriend no one would be pushing her to forgive him. Just bc OP is a sibling doesn't mean he gets a free pass.

OOP

My parents should have involved the police. It might have sucked for me back then but I think I'm the long run it would have been better for everyone.

More on OOP's apologies

I've been apologizing non stop for 5 years. I may have written her more than 500 letters. Not sure what else I can do. I'm open to suggestions.

[deleted]

You can't make a person forgive you. Sometimes actions are so harmful that a person will want nothing to do with you ever again. It sounds like that's what your sister wants, and pestering her won't make her forgive you (nor does she have to). You made your bed, now leave her alone.

When told to leave her alone and stop hounding her

What? How am I hounding her or not giving her space? I've literally gone out of my way to not be anywhere near her. I've missed weddings, graduations, parties, vacations because of it.

If you're referring to the letters and gifts, they're given to her by our parents. In the letters I'm not asking her to forgive me, I just tell her how sorry I am. She could not read the letters. If I don't do them, people would tell me that I'm not letting her know that I'm sorry so how would she know? I'm damned if I do damned if I don't.

&

More than 400 of it came during the first year though and a lot more of it in the second year.

These last couple of years I've written maybe one every couple of months.

&

Parents made me write a letter a day, sometimes more.

Update  June 27, 2016 (5 days later)

Initial post: https://ud.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4p9o2c/i_21m_hurt_my_sister_22f_in_a_moment_of_madness_5/

I want to thank all of you for your comments and advice. I never expected to receive so many of them.

The advice that I received varied a lot. Some of you believed I've done enough, suggested that I should stop accommodating her and do what I want while ignoring her, some suggested that I haven't done anywhere near enough and I should do far more, and a lot in between. I've had a lot of time to think about everything and I made my decision.

I was really thinking that by reaching out to her I was doing the right thing. I thought that the letters that I gave to my parents every couple of months would mean that I'm showing her that I'm ashamed of my actions and am really sorry. But it wasn't the case. You helped me realize that the letters would be perceived as her as further abuse and harassment. Not only her abuser assaulted her, he's now writing to her and keeps asking for forgiveness. I thought I was ending the cycle of abuse but in reality I was just being the typical abuser who keeps hurting people. So I decided to end them completely. She had made it clear that she wasn't interested in having to do anything with me and I wasn't respecting her boundaries.

About Ita...

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Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1vcxchc/i_21m_hurt_my_sister_22f_in_a_moment_of_madness_5/

About Italy it was a no brainier. Why should she miss such an opportunity? Because her abuser wants a holiday with the parents? That wasn't fair. So I told my parents that I have commitments during the summer and I can't come. It's certainly nice to go to a vacation with my parents for the first time in 5 years but I don't really deserve it. Maybe one day I can afford to take my parents for a vacation but it's really wrong of me to use their resources to have fun where I'm effectively denying them to my sister. I think I was doing the right thing with family gatherings and events. So I'm going to keep doing that.

Generally I decided that it's not best for anyone if I stayed here. My sister clearly needs me to not be around, my parents love both of us so they don't want to make the tough decision so it's all up to me to make it now. I asked my boss if I can be transferred somewhere else, preferably a different state. I think that will be possible in a couple of months. I told my parents that I'll get a better job and salary elsewhere and that's why I'm leaving. I'm still going to meet my parents a couple of times a year, either they'll come to wherever I go or I'll come visit or we'll both visit halfway or something. So this isn't me cutting them out of my life, it's just me adding physical distance so that my sister can feel safer.

Finally I decided to tell all of this to my sister in a "this is the last time you'll hear from me" video. I told her all of this, wished her well and promised that there will never be further contact. I emailed the video to her.

Surprisingly she replied to it. This was the first time I was hearing from her and she said: "Hi. Wish I could forgive you and trust you again but I can't. Don't think I haven't tried. It's too much. I think what you're doing is for the best. I hope you find happiness away from us wherever you go and maybe our family here can also move on in your absence. Farewell little brother."

At least now I have closure and I can move on. I hope to be a better person in the new place and I will do everything I can to never hurt anyone in any way ever again. It's not an easy thing to realize that I've not only been a physical abuser 5 years ago but I've been an emotional abuser ever since. I hope to be a better person in the future.

tl;dr: Realized that I was constantly harming my sister by writing letters and being present. Decided to stop and leave the place, keep distance between myself and family. Made a final video for sister which she replied to and gave me closure. I'm going to move on and start a new life for myself.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted 1]

Jesus Christ dude. It was one incident. When you were both kids. When I was 14 and my brother 15 he gave me a black eye. I kicked him in the balls. We were both over it within a month. We're in our late 30s now and I just gave him a cup of my piss so he could pass a urine test for a job (brother likes weed as much as he likes programming). My point is your sister needs therapy. Forcing you to isolate yourself is abusive Bullcrap. You can't fix her. She knows your sorry.go the fuck to Italy. Stop letting her controll you. You were a kid. You haven't done it again. You are sorry. You're not a monster.

[deleted 2]

You need to send her response to your parents and get your parents to sort this mess out like they should've done as adults when this first happened when you were children instead of allowing you to separate yourself from your family. She's proven she just wants you out, nothing more or nothing less.

I bet they'd be shocked to know that she wants you out of their lives completely since she's taking it upon herself to speak for them. I also think you should go to Italy.

Yes, you were wrong in hurting her, but siblings have done a lot worse and have been forgiven.

~

LinaLaLina

Your sister is a manipulative B. Her response makes my blood boil. She's saying "Remember that you're not part of our family". You're sacrificing yourself over nothing. Please reconsider. I know a lot of people in the original post made you feel like shit about yourself but that's not right.

OOP

I felt like her reply meant that she tried her best but couldn't forgive me and thinks distance is best for both of us. I'm curious what others think of her reply?

~

rudewa

I am so baffled by this point. Ok first of all, stop calling yourself an abuser OP, you are not, You were a 16 year old who got in a fight with his sibling.

Second, just stop martyring yourself. Your sister is WRONG to be doing this. She is pushing you away from your family and she is only doing this because of her needs. Let me tell you something. As a 21 year old immigrant with a shit ton of brothers and sisters, my teen years were lots of arguments with my siblings. There were a few physical fights but guess what, my parents sat us down and nipped that in the bud.

I am hurting for you right now because you have done everything you could. You need to find your spine and start being a part of your family again. If she gets angry, tell her you apologized and that you have tried but you are still a part of this family and you deserve to see your parents too. This has gone on for long enough OP, for the love of god, go to Italy, go to family events, see your parents.

STOP SETTING YOURSELF ON FIRE TO KEEP YOUR SISTER WARM

OOP

Reading all of the comments here makes me definitely reconsider everything.

Edit: OK it seems that I wasn't seeing things clearly about my sister's reply. Some of you think she's being manipulative and abusive. I wonder if everyone agrees and if true should I change my decisions? I'm confused.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

Lol I would have hit my sibling too. That was not something that needed to go to school that needed to go to parents first. Frankly, as a parent I would have punished her for going direct like that. Unessessary escalation is not acceptable.

Seems like she has it out for op, so either there is more to this op is not saying or Op sister got a holier then thou vibe and just overall bitch. Id become a reverant and make her miserable by being everywhere so she cant come.