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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2026-08-02 04:00:10+00:00.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Be_HaPpY97

Originally posted to r/AmItheAsshole & r/Redditor_Updates

AITA for calling my mom a liar after finding out my dad is not my bio father

Trigger Warnings: mentions rape, infidelity, past trauma

Original Post: September 2, 2025

I (28f) was raised by my mother, and spent most of my childhood visiting my dad every 2 weeks and certain holidays. My dad is no longer in my life, the last time I heard from him was about 12 years ago, however the reasons for this falling out are not relevant to this post.

My dad used to tell my sisters that the reason he and my mom divorced was because of an affair that happened around the time I was conceived. He told them that he has always been suspicious that I am not his biological daughter, however it is worth noting that nothing was ever said to me directly. I look nothing like my dad and have some medical things that are genetic that don’t seem to come from either my mom or dad’s side of the family.

Finally about a month ago I decided I wanted to find out. I did an ancestry kit. Last night I got the results. Not a single member of my dad’s side of the family was listed, however there were a lot of people I’d never heard of before coming from my paternal DNA side. One of those relatives shared more DNA with me than my sister. I found her on social media and got in touch with her. Turns out her dad was working at the college my mother was attending the year I was conceived. Through some deductive reasoning we discovered she was in fact my half-sister and that man was my biological father.

When I called my mom to ask her about this, I made it clear that I wasn’t angry, her marriage was her business and I’m just looking for answers. She claimed she had never slept with anyone outside of her marriage and that ancestry must not be very accurate. I chose not to confront her at this time. I wanted to gather more information and calm down a bit before trying to get some answers again. Then a few hours later she called me back, this time claiming that she’d had time to think about it and that she did remember being surprised about her pregnancy with me as she hadn’t been very sexually active with my dad during that time. She said she was really disturbed because she doesn’t know who that man is and is worried she was a victim. I kinda lost it at this point. I was disgusted that she was trying to make herself a victim in this situation instead of taking accountability and giving me the answers I deserve. I called her a liar, and she started crying and hung up the phone.

My husband says I was way too harsh with her, and I put too much pressure on her out of the blue. He says I should have been a bit more gentle with her and reassured her that I’m not angry. Maybe he’s right, but honestly I am angry so idk

Edit: For a little more context, my mom has a long history of lying compulsively. We have been working on our relationship for about a year but is almost incapable of taking accountability for the truly traumatic childhood she gave us. I’d be more inclined to give her the benefit of the doubt if it wasn’t completely in line with her character to have an affair. Plus my dad already told my sisters he knew about the affair. Also for those who have been asking about bio dad’s position at the university, he worked in the kitchen, was not a professor. My mom was 25 at the time.

Verdict: Not the Asshole

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Info: Is it possible that she was roofied and actually does not recall?

OOP: I mean yes, anything is possible, which is why my husband thinks I’m the asshole. It just seems a little more likely, given the evidence, that this was a consensual affair.

Commenter 2: OP, the traumatic childhood she gave you could literally be because of rape. I grew up with a parent who was assaulted. She had issues not diagnosed till I was an adult that definitely affected mine and my sisters childhood negatively. Honestly I would think this disclosure would make more sense. To be clear it doesn't excuse what she did, but it might explain. Either way, I’d be hesitant to call her a liar about this without any proof.

OOP: This is actually helpful. It’s true, I definitely could have handled that conversation better, and no it’s not impossible that something horrific happened to her and changed her as a person. I’m not convinced, but it’s worth considering. Perspective is important so thank you.

Commenter 3: Wanting to know who your actual Father is pretty natural. Unless your Mother has dementia or some other mental issue, she is being evasive on the topic. You deserve straight answers. NTA.

Commenter 4: She can easily ask the father, given she already knows her half-sister.

OOP: Apparently he died a while ago. It would have been so convenient if I’d been able to talk to him.

Downvoted Commenter: At this time and place, what's the point of generating all this negativity?

Could mom have been roofied and/or raped? Sure, and it is possible she blocked the trauma. Could she be lying, Sure. But those lies were not likely a personal vendetta against the OP. The OP said all the daughters were traumatized.

The regain and maintain some form of serenity in the OP's life, she needs to forgive the mom. That doesn't let her off the hook. Rather, it releases the anger from the OP. If the OP wants to also let go of the relationship, perhaps to protect her own children, so be it. It can now be done without anger.

Forgiving does not mean forgetting. The consequences of the mom's actions can still be enacted, or not. But no point in drinking poison and hope the other person dies.

OOP: I actually completely agree with you. I had already been working through a life time’s worth of issues with my mom before this happened. My childhood was baaaad, but I had felt how much my bitterness and anger towards her was poisoning my soul, so I finally had an open conversation with her about it and for the first time in my entire life, she didn’t deny anything and actually apologized to me. I’ve been working hard at forgiving her ever since. But now this happened and I’ll admit, I snapped. Now I get to start all over again. It’ll take some time, but hey, this is what I’ve been training for I guess.

Commenter 5: NTA. Your feelings are completely valid. This is why its strongly recommended to tell truth to adopted kids and donor kids since finding out later in life is traumatic and feels like a betrayal. I just wanted to note that this wasn't the case 30 years ago. It was normal to avoid complications about paternity to protect the kids from feeling different or something. People weren't aware of how damaging that can be later.

So, your mom lied but she could have been trying to do what's best for you. I'm not trying to find excuses but more like add some context. Only you know if its applicable or not.

OOP: I can totally get past the lifetime of lies, it might have been best for me. What I’m having a hard time getting past is the fact that now I’m an adult, I found out, and I came to her and calmly presented the facts without judgement, and she still won’t admit it. It’s incredibly frustrating.

Downvoted Commenter: You realize this is a huge abuse of power situation and even if she wasn’t roofied she is still definitely a victim

Commenter 6: Really depends on what he did there. Could have just worked in a cafe or been an assistant

OOP: This is it. He worked in the kitchen, however he was MUCH older than her.

Update #1: July 25, 2026 (10.5 months later)

Hello! I decided to do an update as the situation changed a lot and imo got super crazy so for anyone who is interested in this story, here is how things played out:

After I got off the phone with my mom the day I confronted her, I texted her and told her I’m sorry for the way I reacted and that I just needed some time and space to process and try to figure things out.

I spoke with my new half-sister about what my mom said (super awkward conversation, telling her that her that my mom is claiming that her beloved late father may have done something sinister to her) and she said absolutely not, that her father was a kind and gentle man and would never do something like this. I apologized and spent the rest of the conversation asking for more details about who he was and what his life was like. It was actually quite lovely.

I didn’t speak to my mom again for weeks, I just didn’t know how to move forward. I didn’t really believe her, but had no way of knowing for sure. It was super weird. Do I just accept her explanation and try to move forward in my relationship with her, or do I step away from her, potentially destroying the relationship with my mother when she was telling the truth the whole time?

About a month later I received an email from her. In this email, she told me a story. She said that she’s been thinking a lot about everything and she started going through he...

Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1vd7og1/aita_for_calling_my_mom_a_liar_after_finding_out/

About a month later I received an email from her. In this email, she told me a story. She said that she’s been thinking a lot about everything and she started going through her old files from that time in her life. She said she found a therapy record for my sister that was dated one week after my conceived date.

She said at that time she was working at a daycare, and she would take my two older sisters to work with her where they would be watched by other staff members in a different room. She said one day she found out one of my sisters was being SA by a staff member. (I found out later through my sister that this was very true, and she remembers it happening.) My mom says she absolutely lost it in the daycares kitchen, throwing stuff and screaming until she finally shut herself into a closet. She said she remembers the daycares cook opening the door and offering her a ride home, and she doesn’t remember anything after that.

She went on in her email, telling me how traumatic it was for all of them and that’s why she blacked the next several weeks of her life out, but maybe I can figure out if he ever worked there and if the cook was my bio father. I was able to verify through my half-sister that he was working in that daycare the year I was born and was even able to see some pictures of him working there.

So I was finally getting some answers, but I still felt like her story had a lot of holes in it. Like, did she take her two young girls, minutes after finding out about this type of abuse, and immediately invite this person who she barely knows into her bed? That feels weird. And the only way I feel like that would make sense is if she knew him better, which would imply that she would at the very least, recognize him from a photo taken at the time he was working there? Or did she call him later and meet up with him? But that would, again, imply more of a relationship and she should have some memory of him.

I decided to call her and try again for an open conversation. During this phone call, I told her I was able to verify he was the cook, and I showed her the photos. She continued to say she has no memory of him. I told her about my confusion with her story, and this is where things started to get really bad. She started crying, saying she will pay for a lie detector test, that she will go to a hypno-therapist to access repressed memories. She said maybe if I had more background info about her life I’d understand how she could have blocked these memories off.

She went on to tell me IN GRAPHIC DETAIL about when she was raped at 13 and how my grandma didn’t believe her. How my grandma was a terrible mom (for context, I love my grandmother dearly and was the single best thing about my childhood) and she forced her to get an abortion when she was 17. She explained my sisters SA at the daycare in graphic detail as well. She cried and expressed how terrified she was to lose me.

I got off the phone with her feeling…. Violated? Disturbed? Idk it felt really icky though. I decided that day that I was going to have to come to terms with the fact that I will never know how I conceived and if my mom was being truthful.

As luck would have it, two weeks later I ran into one of my old stepdads. We chatted for a minute, and I decided to ask him. He was with my mom when I was between the ages of about 7-17. I was very careful about how I asked, I said “what do you know about my father”. His response: “oh good your mom finally told you about you bio dad”

That answered all my questions for me. He knew where he lived, that they worked together, and that I have his eyes.

I called my mom again, told her I know the truth and it’s time to be honest. She continued to insist that she has no idea who he is or how this happened. I told her that using my sisters very real trauma and giving me such graphic details of her own SA as manipulation tactics in an attempt to distract from her lies is deeply disturbing behavior, and a close relationship with her was not serving me at this point.

Many weeks later I got another message from her, it was very long and went on and on about how hard this has been for her and that she needs to know if our relationship is salvageable. She said it’s been so hard on her that the night we last spoke, she drank two bottles of NyQuil, and that her husband found her and made her throw up, for which she was grateful. (When I was 17, my younger step sister committed suicide, and I found her when she was still barely alive. She died in my arms. My mom knows how this statement would affect me)

I responded telling her that I’m sorry it’s been so hard for her to be a victim of her own actions, that in that novel of a text message, there was not a single indication of accountability or remorse for the way she’s handled things, and that it’s incredibly fucked up to use my past trauma ties with suicide as weapon to illicit sympathy. I told her that only thing that can even begin to fix this is accountability and a genuine apology, and until she can do that, not to contact me again.

She sent another long message, admitting she lied about knowing who my father is, saying she was trying to protect me from the truth which is that she was raped and that’s how I was conceived.

Since then, my sister has done enough digging to get several family members testimony that she had a very consensual and extended affair with “the cook from her job”, as well as a few other affairs from the same timeframe.

After this I told her to leave me alone and blocked her number. There have been a few other things, my grandmother came to see me to try to advocate for her, her husband has made a few attempts to reach out etc.. but I feel like it’s over now.

I’m left with feelings of deep sadness that my mom couldn’t find the courage to show up and be a mom for me, that I still have not been able to just have a talk with her about how I came into the world, and knowing that I will never know the man, who by all accounts I’ve received, was a really amazing human. At the end of it all, I’ve had my mom, my dad, my bio dad, 3 step fathers and a step mom, and it’s crazy to me that I sit here now, writing this story, without ever feeling like I’ve had parent.

Thanks for hearing me out Reddit. At least I don’t wonder if I’m the AH anymore because my mother was in fact, a liar.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You poor thing 😔 Your mother clearly has issues, but she has no right to traumatise you, weaponise the trauma your sister went through etc. You may want to have a look at a couple of support subs, estranged adult kids, raised by narcissists etc., see if anything resonates? And, more importantly, find coping mechanisms for navigating through this absolute mess 🫂.

OOP: Thank you, I’ll definitely check out those subs! Luckily I’ve built a really strong support system with my husband, sisters, friends and have an amazing relationship with my own young girls, plus I’m set up with a really good therapist. Unfortunately, this is truly just the straw that broke the camel’s back when it comes to my mom and the way I grew up, so I’ve gotten really good at processing these types of things in a healthy way. I am sad, but am all in all doing really well :).

Commenter 2: Wow, your mum is a piece of work, you don’t deserve this OP! You’re absolutely NTA and you have every right to protect yourself from this vile behaviour. It’s clear you’ve done some amazing hard work, you have great insight and strength, don’t lose that.

I hope that in time maybe you’ll be curious to find out more about your biological dad, he sounds nice and you deserve some of that. But as you pointed out you’ve had many parental figures and they’ve let you down, if you need time to heal then you should absolutely take that time.

We don’t know all the details of your relationship with your mum, these are still only snap shots of your life, still if you’re asking for second opinions, I’d say there’s enough here to recommend no contact. She’s not ready to change, there is no evidence that she will take responsibility, and that’s not your burden to bear. You’ve done all you can, now take this permission from a stranger and be selfish, look after yourself and your peace first. Good luck 🍀.

OOP: I agree completely, and thank you for your encouragement. I’ve spent the majority of my 20s working hard to not let my past turn me into someone my kids can’t look up to, so comments like this really mean a lot to me.

I find a certain amount of peace in knowing I gave her many chances to fix things, and tried as often as I could to make her feel safe in being able to talk to me about this after my initial harsh reaction. I don’t have to regret my actions and that’s really nice.

I have been talking more with my half-sister, and it turns out we have another one too! They’re planning a trip for all three of us to meet later this summer and I’m so excited to learn more about my father.

Commenter 3:

My grandmother came to see me to try to advocate for her

Oh, I hope you shared with her what your mother told you about her.

OOP: I definitely did. Turns out the things my mom said about her were true, and she regrets it deeply. Interestingly, she has never told my mom that she regrets not believing her when she was raped. It made a lot of my mother’s behavior make a little more sense. I encouraged my grandmother to talk to my mom. I told her that I’m not the one who needs to be there for my mom right now, she is, and maybe if she could find the courage to take accountability for her actions, just maybe it’ll heal whatever is broken in my mom and we can stop this generational trauma here.

Commenter 4: I'm just curious so is bio dad alive???

OOP: No he died in 2012 :(

Commenter 5: I'm sorry that you're going through this. I'm relieved that your husband is supporting you, but I think that you need to see a therapist as soon as possible. I went through something with my biological parents and it really affected me for years until I realized that their actions were not a reflection upon me or my moral character. I was not responsible for their failures in life.

I did want to mention that many things can be true at the same time:

*that your mom was sexually assaulted (SA) when she was a teenager and never spoke about it until now;

*that your sister was SA and that it was never mentioned to you before now;

*that your sister's SA traumatized your mom;

*that your mom lies;

*that your mom should have informed you before now about your biological father;

*that your biological father had sex with a married mother;

*that whatever happened between your mother and biological father was not meaningful enough for them to keep in touch (as far as anyone knows);

*and that your mom loves you in her way, but that you may need to distance yourself from her for the moment for your own mental health.

OOP: Thank you for this. Perspective is a crazy thing. The only things is that my mom talks about her rape all the time… it is tragic but everyone who I’ve talked to about this has said she told them about it. This was just the first time she told me about it. Same with my sisters abuse. This was the first I’d heard of this one, but there were several other incidents throughout our childhood that my sisters and I suffered that I did know about. I’d be inclined to believe my mom was traumatized by it because how could you not, but I personally witnessed very muted reactions to being told about things that were happening to us several times and I just think that she was playing this one up to continue trying to add credibility to her lies.

Editor's note: OOP made a small update onto the same update post

Update #2: July 26, 2026 (next day, same post)

UPDATE TO THE UPDATE: Well I guess it’s not over Reddit. Yesterday my little brother came to town to see me. He said mom called him to tell him she had just been diagnosed with MS. (editor’s note: multiple sclerosis)

My sister says it’s probably a lie, that she’s done stuff like this before and the timing is too convenient. She’s certain it’s just a play to get me to call her.

I don’t know much about MS but I’m curious… does anyone know if that could explain things? I read online that MS can affect long term memory. Is there a chance it caused her to really forget who he was?

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

Holy moly mom is just flat out manipulative. Eveidence is piling up and with all these lies how can anyone trust her. If I were the other siblings id be putting up walls.