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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2026-08-03 04:02:02+00:00.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is [deleted]

He’s the love of my life but I [27/F] don’t know if I can handle the demands of my chef boyfriend’s [26/M] career.

MOOD SPOILER: Sad

Original Post  Dec 2, 2014

My boyfriend and I have been through some trying times over the past 4 years, and through it all we’ve been each other’s support. We complement each other so well. Long story short, he’s the love of my life.

When we first met he was unemployed after recently quitting his job as an EMT. He said he was unsatisfied because he didn’t feel like it was for him, and was searching for direction. He mentioned before that he’s always had a passion for cooking, so I urged him to follow his gut and do what would bring him happiness. I encouraged him to enroll in culinary school. Since then he’s moved up quickly, and after graduating and 2 years in the industry, he opened a hot new restaurant as sous chef. He’s really come alive since switching industries. He’s got this fiery energy, this sparkle in his eyes when talking about the action in the kitchen, new recipes he’s come up with, or dreams of opening his own restaurant. I’m extremely proud of his accomplishments, and seeing this amazing passion he has for what he does makes me love him even more. He inspires me to follow my dreams.

The thing is, I had no idea how demanding his career would be. I’ve never worked in the restaurant industry, and I’ve never personally met another chef before I started dating one. He works crazy hours -- 70, sometimes 80 hours a week. We don’t live together, and I only see him for a few hours on the weekends when I can stay up late. Half that time we’re asleep because it’s 3 in the morning, I’m sleepy and he’s exhausted. He’s got one day off a week (if that), which is pretty much the only time he has to relax, catch up with family, friends, and me. I’m a 9-5er and I’m asleep by the time he gets off work. I speak to him twice a day if I’m lucky. Once in the morning, which is a rushed 5-minute conversation since I’m at work, and once in the evening when he gets off work, which I hardly even remember because I’m asleep and only half-conscious. We can’t text while he’s working, which is all the time. He works every holiday. Thanksgiving, Christmas, new years, Valentine’s Day are all busy restaurant days. Birthdays and anniversaries are not guaranteed off either.

Through it all I’ve been super supportive. I’ve gotten kind of used to him not being around. I’ve taken up yoga and kickboxing and have started reading way more books and watching way more movies. I’ve even kind of gotten used to going to parties and events alone. Most days are okay. I keep myself so busy with friends and hobbies that I sometimes forget I miss him so much. But other days are horrible. Yesterday he told me he made plans to see his friends in the evening when they got off work. After we hung up I broke down in tears because I had been looking forward to seeing him all week. But I can’t even be mad. It’s his only free day and it’s not fair for me to take up all his time. We hardly ever have sex. There’s just no time and no energy. When we do spend time together on those rare Mondays, we don’t go out because he’s so tired. I cherish these moments just cuddled up on the couch because they don’t happen often. I don’t speak to him about my feelings of loneliness because I don’t want to burden him with my emotions on his sole day of relaxation, especially since that’s just the nature of the industry and he can’t do anything about it.

This is the guy I want to grow old with and have babies with. He’s the one with whom I want to share the future. But then I think about how I feel on days like today and I wonder if his career will ever allow him to be present. Am I okay with eating every meal and spending every holiday alone? Can I take on the responsibilities of the household and raising children essentially like a single parent? Can I deal with him only being home long enough to sleep? We’re planning on moving in together within the next 6 months. I’m not sure if this will help our relationship or just prolong the inevitable. Maybe both.

It’s been tough and I know it will only get tougher. I love him so much but I don’t know if I’m strong enough. I have to figure out what it is I need and I’m terrified at the thought that maybe he can’t give it to me. Just thinking about leaving him over the career I pushed him toward makes me feel sick to my stomach.

TL;DR – I pushed my boyfriend toward a career he loves but also leaves him exhausted and with no time to spend with me. I want to marry this guy but I don’t know if I can handle the loneliness that comes with being with someone in such a demanding industry.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

dabgerdan27

Being a chef is a really, really demanding job with long hours and few breaks.  I can completely understand how being in a relationship with one would have some difficult problems associated with it.

One thing that worries me is this: "I don’t speak to him about my feelings of loneliness because I don’t want to burden him with my emotions on his sole day of relaxation, especially since that’s just the nature of the industry and he can’t do anything about it."

Everyone CAN do something about it when things like this happen.  He may be viewing this as "putting in his time" at the beginning of the career so that he can be more flexible in the future.

Breaking up with him without first communicating with him and trying to figure out a compromise is premature.  I know these things can seem obvious, but the extent of them, and their consequences, are often not things you can recognize without the other person bringing them up.

Talk to him!  He may already have a plan for transitioning out of the 70-80 hour weeks, or at least be open to coming up with one.

OOP

I've brought this up to him before, just not every time I'm upset. It always ends with him saying, "I'm sorry but this is how it's going to be. Can you handle that?" He did say that things are extra crazy because he's "putting in his time" and opening a new restaurant, but essentially being a chef means long hours and little time for us.

~

OOP when replying to all long comment about a one redditors BF who worked nonstop, chefs who take substances and ultimately burnout

Most of the time we have together is spent sleeping. I take what I can get but I'm having a hard time convincing myself that it's enough. My bf is already on the caffeine and nicotine. I've just started to realize what it would mean for our relationship and future family if he was to stay in the industry, which he plans to. I think I've been blinded by the glamour of it all (my boyfriend is an awesome chef, the restaurant is so good, etc etc) that I haven't realized what his career has been doing to our relationship. Thanks for your response, I've got some hard questions to ask.

Update  Dec 6, 2014 (4 Days Later)

Not sure how many people have seen my previous post but I figured I'd cater to those who commented and seemed to genuinely care about our situation.

We finally had our much-needed conversation last night. I felt horrible for bringing up such heavy topics right after he came home from work, stressed and exhausted, but it's the only time we ever have. I asked him the big questions: What's your 5 year career plan? Can you realistically work in a kitchen for the rest of your life? Is that what you really want? And at the mention of working in a kitchen for the rest of his life, behind eyelids drooping with exhaustion and the dark bags under them, came the sparkle and fire that I adore and feared would appear during this conversation. "I want to run my own kitchen. I want to own my own restaurant. I'm making a name for myself and people are noticing. I want this and I know I can do it."

I asked him if he realized what that meant in terms of raising a family, which he always said he wanted. He said it would stay like this. 12-16 hour shifts every day, getting home after midnight. His head hung down and told me we could make it work. "I can have breakfast with the family every morning and take the kids to school," he suggested. I told him I needed more from a partner. I want a normal life. I want to have dinner every night as a family. I want to read to our kids together at night. I want holidays and birthdays. He told me he can't give me any of that.

I was hoping and praying the entire time that he would reformulate his career path. Maybe set his eyes on a comparable goal that would make a home life possible, but there's no comparison. After hours of talking we realized this just wouldn't work. If we stayed together either I would resent him for never being around, or he would resent me for making me give up his dream. I would never strip him of that.

This is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. I almost wish he was an abusive cheating asshole; it would make moving on way easier. But no, he's wonderful and has always been so good to me. We're very much in love and that's what makes this whole thing so horrible. I never envisioned...

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Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1ve2qdf/hes_the_love_of_my_life_but_i_27f_dont_know_if_i/

This is the most difficult thing I've ever had to do. I almost wish he was an abusive cheating asshole; it would make moving on way easier. But no, he's wonderful and has always been so good to me. We're very much in love and that's what makes this whole thing so horrible. I never envisioned a future without him, and he said he always thought he'd be sharing life's successes with me. I wish I could be the one standing next to him through it all but I'm just not cut out for the life he's offering me. And although I am glad we figured out our incompatibilities before marriage and children, I'm devastated.

TL;DR He's willing to work extremely demanding hours for the rest of his life to achieve success in his industry. I need a partner who will have an active role in raising a family.The career I pushed him toward turned out to be our demise.

Sorry for the diary entry, Reddit. Thanks for reading.

FINAL COMMENTS

Iainzee

My dad worked in the restaurant business for most of his life and it was hard on all of us.

As a little girl I used to wait up in bed until 1 or 2 in the morning until I heard him come home. Then I would pretend that something woke me up so I could go and hang out with him and watch tv for 30 minutes or so before bed.

Things with him and my mom were always strained because they never saw each other. And he resented her because she has never been great at housework and he worked his ass off all week and then on his day or two off still had to do the bulk of the laundry and other housework.

I've never been close to him just because he was never there.

He tried his best. He coached my little brother's soccer team, holding practices on his day off and the games were weekend mornings before work. He helped me when I ran cross-country by running with me in the mornings.

He never was really able to take all the time off for our family vacations. He would have to come a couple days late or leave a couple days early. He had to drive over to our Christmas Eve family celebration separately because he had to finish up at work, first.

He's in his late 50s, nearing retirement. He's been out of the kitchen and in higher level jobs (usually the manager/GM) for probably the last 20 years and it's still like this. It's just the nature of the business.

If you want the traditional family experience you did the right thing by getting out now.

One of my close friends has a husband who is a chef and it is already straining their relationship severely after only a year or so of marriage.

OOP

I've read so many similar stories of a willing but overall absent chef dad. Responses like yours helped me realize that this isn't what I want for my family, and what his career would realistically do to our home life. I just wish it didn't have to be like this.

&

Thanks for sharing your experience. I would hate to have to wait until retirement to be happy. I want to enjoy my family every moment possible. I realize now that my now ex is eager to spend his life building something he's proud of (which is so admirable) but is willing to miss many of those moments. I just came to the realization that I need more of a family man. I never knew that's what I was looking for until very recently. He always said he wanted a family, I just didn't know he wanted his career more. It stings because I see now he chose the kitchen over me. But I guess that's life and I just need to learn to accept it.

[EDIT] Thank you to everyone for the kind words and for sharing their own personal experiences with me. The more I read the more I know this breakup had to happen in order for us both to be happy with our lives down the line. I really appreciate the support I've received here for little heartbroken me. I never anticipated that Reddit would help me heal.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

Lots of family im the restaurant biz and can confirm if op not going to housewife content with just kids this will suck.