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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2026-08-04 04:02:02+00:00.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/cake-n-stuff

Me [20F] with my boyfriend [20 M] have been dating long distance and now he wants a break

TRIGGER WARNING: Infidelity

Original Post  Nov 10, 2014

My boyfriend and I met out freshman year of college and have been dating for two years now. We've always been an insanely close, BFF type couple and never seemed to have a single problem. He's a computer scientist and has been spending his summers interning in California (I'm in New York so the complete opposite coast) which wasn't a big deal the first summer, but this past summer I ended up having some issues with his communication. He never seemed to have time to talk on the phone or skype and is a notoriously bad texter and it became an issue with me, one that seemed it would only be resolved once we returned to Campus.

Well because he did so well at his internship he was offered a year long position out there which he accepted right away. He's admitted to me that he didn't take our relationship into consideration because he didn't want it to affect his decision which I understand. We've seen each other twice since then, the first at the beginning of August and the last time I flew out there about a month ago. The deal was that he had to call or skype me once a week which for the most part he stuck to. Everything seemed to be going surprisingly well considering.

Well two weeks ago, the communication suddenly started tapering off and I was getting big flashbacks to the summer time and started getting kind of scared and annoyed. This kind of peaked when after days of trying to get him to call or skype me he tells me that he can't because he sat down to start watching V for Vendetta, to which I totally blew up at him. We started talking about communication and he stated that he doesn't like talk on the phone or skyping because he always gets distracted and starts doing other things while we're talking. He also apparently gets too distracted to properly respond to texts and thinks facebook messages would be a better way to talk.

However that kind of fell off the discussion table when he revealed that apparently he's having this big huge problem with being apart from me. He's the kind of guy who has always had a girlfriend and hasn't spent much time being single. Also when he was here we would spend practically every night together, and when he wasn't with me, he always had a roommate, even over the summers. Currently he lives with 6 other people but he has his own room and apparently sleeping alone every night is giving him anxiety. In his own words he had apparently been weighing his 'need to have someone to sleep next against his desire to be with me'. but later stated that he doesn't actually want anyone else (in his words "I don't want some shitty half-Jane pretending to be my jane") just the fact that I can't be there is giving him pain. I suggested that maybe I record the sound of myself sleeping for him to listen to but he rejected it saying it was a "dirty trick".

So It came to this, over this past weekend I told him to think about whether he still wanted to be with me or if he would rather break up because I wasn't going to make that call. He thought about it overnight and at first returned with the verdict that he wanted to be with me. When I asked him why this over that he said he didn't have a reason and just went with his gut feeling. Which left me feeling not really reassured which I told him. Then he announced he wanted to take a break for a week. He said is was so that he can 'realize all the things he takes for granted and better appreciate me'.

I asked him point blank if he'd met someone, which he denied and said that wasn't what this was about. I also told that if he should, the decent thing to do would be to break it off with me which he agreed. So we started our break yesterday. I'm not dumb, I know that right after we hung up he and his housemates were throwing a huge party so I don't think it's a coincidence that he'd brings this up right before then.

I tried talked to my sisters and friends but they were all overwhelmingly negative about both my boyfriend (this is new as they've all really like him until now) and the situation and how this is all basically a ruse so he can still keep me around while searching for a new girlfriend guilt free, and that's kind of what I believe as well. However I also believe this might be because I was stifling him before with my need for him to keep in touch, however, if it is, why didn't he just tell me that? Also if he was using this as an excuse to meet girls, why did he insist on just a week? I know long term couples like us need breaks from each other but we're long distance, there is a huge amount of physical space between us already and we only talk once a week! I know he and I are young and maybe I should just forget about him but I feel like if I can salvage the relationship, I should at least try.

tl;dr: Boyfriend and I of two years are living across country from each other for a year, he doesn't like being alone, yet decided he doesn't want to break up. Rather he wants to take a break for a week and it's made me nervous and I can't tell if I'm being unresonable

Update 1  Nov 12, 2014 (2 Days later)

So he just messaged me an hour ago over facebook telling me he misses me like crazy and that he had already bought plane tickets to come surprise me this weekend but wanted to tell me beforehand in case I'd made any plans. I have absolutely no idea how to feel about this. Of course I'm happy to see him and that he missed me but it feels surreal. Over the past few days I'd been seriously considering splitting from him because I wasn't sure I could take it just being on break, not knowing if he was pursuing other women or if he'd already met someone. I figured it would take him months to come back to me if he did at all, but only Two days? Is this a good sign or should we still take a break form each other, because I'm sure the problems he had before aren't just magically gone. Too many feelings over the past few days for me

tl;dr: My long distance boyfriend initiated a break on Sunday but ended it today along with the news that he's coming visit this weekend and for some reason I'm still feeling weird

Update 2  **Nov 16, 2014 (4 days after 1st update)

Yikes to here was my First Posting and here was my Second post

So he flew in yesterday morning and he we're sitting around for about an hour and I could tell right off that he was being very hesitant with me. So I asked him if there was a girl involved and he said yes. I told him to give me the entire story and this is what happened according to him: After I first started arguing with him last thursday he proceeded to get drunk and started flirting with his female roommate (he lives with six other people and she's the only not gay female in the house). He claims that when he asked for a break on Sunday that it was 100% not about her, but I told him that it was probably in the back of his mind when he did, and he agreed.

So on Monday she and him got drunk and had sex. The next morning he started feeling terrible and by tuesday afternoon he bought a ticket to come see me. Before he left he apparently talked with his roommate and told her it would never be happening again and apparently she didn't seem to care. She knows he was seeing me and that we were on break and he thinks that she just wanted to get laid.

I was so freaking upset after this and I told him he needed to leave and stay with a friend. He had started crying while he was telling me about her and when I told him that we probably had to break he started sobbing and apologizing. I told him to stay in he living room and called my mom and she calmed me down a little. We spent all of yesterday talking basically and in the end I just felt like we should have a the weekend together but because that's probably all we have left.

My current plan is to break it off when it's time for him to go, because I don't think I can get over this. If it had been a random girl, maybe, but she's his freaking roommate and he'll be living with her until August. I can't do that. There were too many broken promises. He promised that I didn't have to worry about him living with girls because they were all "too unattractive for him" and that the break wasn't about screwing around.

He really really doesn't seem to want to break up. He says its the worst mistake he ever made and it didn't mean anything he was just so lonely and depressed. I was asking him if he'd ever thought we'd have a future together and he admitted that he'd started saving for a wedding ring because he considered me the girl he wanted to marry when we got older. It was nice to hear that but it made this affair even more mind boggling. It ...

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He really really doesn't seem to want to break up. He says its the worst mistake he ever made and it didn't mean anything he was just so lonely and depressed. I was asking him if he'd ever thought we'd have a future together and he admitted that he'd started saving for a wedding ring because he considered me the girl he wanted to marry when we got older. It was nice to hear that but it made this affair even more mind boggling. It feels like right now he'd say anything to keep me.

In the end, maybe we'll get back together when he returns to New York in a year, maybe not, but once he returns to California, I can't trust him to be faithful anymore. And I think this is good. We're so young and I was his first partner, he needs more experience, and I probably do too. We're too young to be caught up in this weird situation.

tl;dr: My boyfriend asked for a break and immediately slept with his female roommate. He immediately regretted it and flew here to make things right. He's staying here for now but I plan to break up with him once he leaves because I'm just so sick of feeling bad

Final Update Nov 19, 2014 (3 days after 2nd update)

Oh boy, so heres a link to my previous post which has links to the ones I made before that

So last I wrote my now ex flew in from California and announced he slept with his female roommate and we'd still been working through it when he left early yesterday morning. I was still incredibly confused and hurt but I did know that I needed some space to think things through and make sure I wasn't being too heavily influenced by his presence. I suspect I was because after working on me for three days I was feeling like maybe he deserved a second chance if he could prove himself worthy of it somehow, which I told him.

Well things weren't sitting quite right. I guess I didn't believe that things really were all as he said (something things just didn't seem to make sense with his story) but what proof did I have? So I went to an alternate source. I messaged his roommate, the one he slept with. I didn't and still don't blame her, I've always believed that cheating falls on the shoulder of the cheater which is my ex. I sent her a length and sincere facebook message explaining my side of events. I explained how he had made a promise that there was no girl involved and that taking a break wasn't at all about seeing other people and that if he had I never would have agreed to a break with him. And also that because of his dishonesty over the situation I consider it to be cheating. I also asked what her intentions were towards them and what was their relationship really like.

She was really really nice and frank. She regretted her involvement and tried to explained her actions, but they didn't really matter, because even though she had pursued him, it was his choice to go after her. According to her this is how it all went down. For a few weeks she and John had been 'drinking buddies' and there was a tension that had started building between them, sitting too close, maybe brushing past. Honestly explains 100% why the communication had suddenly started drying up.

The day we started fighting he got very forward with her, putting his arm around her and escalating almost into a 'mock wrestling tickling' before she stopped him, telling him he knew he was still with me and she didn't want to be a rebound. But she told me that afterwards, she definitely made her intentions clear to him. On sunday, he texted her right after he initiated the break with me and that night they hooked up, though she stopped him before they had sex, wanting him to be really sure of what he was doing. Obviously he was because they had sex both monday and tuesday nights. I didn't ask her about all the other things he'd told me (That the sex was terrible and he hadn't come and he didn't spend the night with her and left immediately afterwards) it was enough the hear that not only had he slept with her twice but the whole affair had been 100% premeditated. I had specifically told him when he asked for a break that if another woman was involved that the decent thing to do would be to break it off. Guess that shows about his character.

She also had to say that she didn't want to date him as this is truly evidence at his immaturity but that if she was honest she was still interested in being friends-with-benefits with him depending on whether or not I'd be in the picture in the future. I guess this really just cemented the fact that he and I absolutely could never be together. I told her she could have him.

When I heard this I thanked her and sent him an email with a picture of all his stuff in a garbage bag and how I'm giving it to his friend to bring back to him and he and I are done, and that I know everything, and fuck you, have a nice life do not ever contact me. Well of course he kept calling me and I eventually picked up and he was really crying and begging me not to leave him and how sorry he was. He said he didn't tell me the whole truth because he thought I wouldn't be able to forgive him (he was right) and how he didn't want the other girl he only wanted me. Well I told him he was stupid for thinking I wouldn't find out, and for not breaking up with me before spending all that money to fly here and remember just how great of a girlfriend I actually am, and that if he really cared about me then he'd know that I deserved better then the treatment he's been giving me. He left another voicemail after that which has my favorite material yet "He doesn't want to be alone and wasn't it enough that he'd told me 90% of what happened?" seriously.

So yeah, everyone on this website was so right about him right from the beginning. I stand by my naive actions as I really did need that last bit of proof before I was able to let go, but it still fucking hurts. I'm glad I know everything so that I'm never tempted back by him because he really is very manipulating. The only thing now is to find a way to stop thinking about it because I just want him and the situation out of my head. I feel like I can't eat as food just tastes like nothing and I have to force myself to swallow. Any breakup advice would be really great as I am totally devastated. This whole post story has been crazy long and I thank you if you read it, I really needed to get the whole thing out

Edit: I just wanted to thank everyone who commented here, today has been that much better thanks to all your support and advice :)

tl;dr: I contacted the other girl and she happily gave me the full story, that the cheating was more extensive and way more premeditated then he led me to believe. So bye bye! He's hopefully out of my life forever

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

Never understand ppl who don't want to talk to their SO. I talkes to mine all the time when we are apart.