Link: https://equalizersoccer.com/2026/08/03/ranking-every-goal-from-utahs-5-1-rout-of-portland/

Stripped down, soccer is wonderfully uncomplicated. The ball crosses the line? Goal. It doesn’t matter if it bounces off your shin, stomach, forehead, backside, or rockets into the top corner from 30 yards out — they all count exactly the same on the scoresheet.

The Utah Royals certainly weren’t concerned with how their five goals found the net in Sunday’s commanding 5-1 victory over the Portland Thorns. They were just happy they kept finding them.

But where’s the fun in treating every goal equally?

For this article only, we’re throwing objectivity out the window and ranking all six goals from the match using a completely made-up formula. The criteria? A combination of style, entertainment value, vibes, and the all-important question: “Would I immediately text this clip to my friends?”