Link: https://old.reddit.com/r/tifu/comments/1vfvbaq/tifu_by_getting_blackout_drunk_and_taking/

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The original was posted on /r/tifu by /u/Suspicious_Round_375 on 2026-08-05 03:00:55+00:00.

This happened two days ago. I 33M have always been the responsible one when going out with friends. Pouring them into taxis at the end of the night, Hanging out when they puke and tucking them in afterwards. But then came my birthday And my friends decided that i should have "fun" for once. They would be the responsible ones for a change. And shockingly they were. With everyone else. They kept buying me drinks and challenging me to do shots and i figured. What the heck. I've been responsible for a decade. And i'm on vacation. Might as well try to get properly drunk for a change. Should stop them pestering me about it.

This was a few beers in.

Now for the part that made me go for this throwaway account.

This is also where i mention that i'd been constipated for a while. And i wasn't really feeling that well. I had laxatives but i kept putting it off because i had other things to do.

Well i did manage to get properly drunk. Then i got shitfaced. (Didn't really care for it but now i know what that feels like.) And in my drunken state i probably figured i wasn't going to be doing much apart from dealing with a hangover so it would be the perfect time to take the laxatives. They were supposed to work after 6-12 hours so i had plenty of time to get some sleep. So i knocked a couple back and went to bed.

I was woken up by rumbling so severe that my cat was on the edge of the bed looking like an angry upside down U. Because i'm a back sleeper and he likes to sleep on my stomach. But when it roared at him he was spooked. The next part spooked me. There was a lurch inside me. Like a demon trying to escape. And a wave of pain that spoke of its rage. I immediately clenched as hard as i could and barrel rolled out of bed. Misjudging the distance and damn near knocking myself out when i hit the wall. But i shot back up. This was a fight i wasn't going to win if i didn't act fast. And my cat, realizing that i wasn't possessed by an angry bear, decides to run after his clearly distressed and very stupid big bro. He isn't smart either but he is brave. The distance between my bed and toilet is just eight meters. But the hallway felt like a marathon. That's when i realize to my horror that the bathroom door was closed. I never close it. Why was it closed. Alcohol and stupidity is why. My barely awake and pickled brain struggled for precious moments to figure out how a door handle works before it finally managed to find a spare neuron that wasn't going "Oh shit oh shit oh shit!, after which i just about ripped the door of its hinges. Take the last few wobbly steps, and flop down on the toilet with all the grace of a grand piano tumbling down a set of stairs. In complete darkness by the by. As i didn't have time to fumble for the light switch.

Only to realize the lid is down when i sat on my nuts. Pain and panic rising even further i force myself off of them, yank the lid up enough to clear my ass as it came back down. A lot further than intended as i had pulled the seat up with the lid. I almost catch myself on the sink but managed to grab the shower curtain. But the latter is ripped off the pole in a spray of bent hooks. The only thing slowing my fall was the toilet block. Which is my my left cheek looks like it got in a fight with a grater... Then, fireworks. Dumb and dumber style. And all i could do was white knuckle grip the sink and force myself out of the bowl. Though i wouldn't be surprised if i was actually generating thrust at that point. My cat tried to comfort me but then the smell hit us both. He yowled as if kicked in the face and ran for dear life. I didn't have that luxury. I had to sit there. Gagging, eyes watering from the unspeakable horror i'd inflicted on myself. Knees weakening and hand slipping all the while. Cold sweat pouring from damn near everywhere. Until it finally subsided enough for me to flip the seat down. I spent the next couple of hours with a pounding headache, Severely dehydrated and nauseous. Knowing i could blame no one but myself. And with cold sink water as my only companion. Later i found the tablets. And there were four missing. Recommended dose is two. Now i know why.

Why did i take four?. I have no clue. My drunk and stupid ass probably thought it needed it. And when i'd finally stopped flushing my soul, sins and hopes down the sewage line i had to turn my attention to regaining the trust of my cat. With lots of treats and belly rubs. And airing out my apartment...

I'm just going to stick to being the babysitter and designated driver.

But if this makes someone feel better about their day then my suffering was worth it.

TL;DR: Was constipated, Got drunk about it instead. Took laxatives, traumatized my cat. Going for a high fiber diet from now on.