This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2026-08-06 04:00:02+00:00.

---

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/jellyjapanthrowaway

My boyfriend and his family are going on my dream vacation and I don't know how to deal with my jealousy

BoRU 1  Posted by u/SomaliMN

TRIGGER WARNING: Classism, manipulation

Original Post  Apr 20, 2016

Hi, relationships. First of all, I want to acknowledge how petty this is of me. I have no doubt in my mind that the jealousy I’m feeling is completely uncalled for. I just want to know how to deal with it.

So, for years and years it has been my dream to visit Japan. I began learning Japanese in elementary school and I am fascinated by their culture. I cook Japanese food, read books in Japanese, and stay up to date with the culture. As I’m graduating college in a few months, I would love to have a “travel the world” vacation over the summer to Japan, but sadly, it’s just not possible - I don’t have that kind of money. To make matters even worse, in my Junior year I was given the opportunity to study abroad there and even received a small scholarship, but the degree plan I am in would not permit it.

My boyfriend of 3 years, Jack, and his family [late 50’s] are all aware of my love of Japan and desire to visit, and even the sensitive subject of the failed study abroad semester. So when his parents “surprised” me by telling me about their trip to Japan this summer, I was confused and shocked. Jack has zero interest in going to Japan - he’s told me as much since then - and he didn’t even know about the vacation until his parents told me!

The biggest problem is, every time they make more plans in Japan (booking tickets, meeting with tour guides, adding another place to visit) they make a big show of it to me and fill me in on every last detail. Maybe they think that it will be interesting to me, but in reality it just upsets me. And yes, I know for a fact that I’m not invited. They’ve made it very clear that it’s just a family vacation. They have also met with and hired a local translator to come on vacation with them. They are paying for his vacation and his translating services, and the selfish part of me wants to know - why couldn’t they have just used me? I’m fluent.

Jack and his family have taken lavish family trips for as long as I have known them. They are very wealthy and have taken numerous enviable vacations - the Bahamas, New York, England, France, Grand Canyon - whereas I have never been out of our home state. And all the places they’ve been before seem like typical hot-spots for tourists and travelers…I just can’t understand why they’d want to go to Japan, the one place that I’ve gushed about visiting for years to them, and why they’ve decided to make a big publicity show about it.

I need your help on how to cope with this jealousy. Is it something that I should just suck up and deal with or should I speak to Jack about it? I feel like it’s so trivial that telling him how I feel would be pointless. I also want to know how to kindly tell his parents to stop mentioning every detail of their trip to me.

TL;DR boyfriend and his family are taking the post-college vacation that I have always wanted to a country that I have spent years wanting to visit. How to deal with jealousy?

RELEVANT COMMENTS

BashfulTurtle

"they make a big show of it to me and fill me in on every last detail. Maybe they think that it will be interesting to me, but in reality it just upsets me."

It sounds to me as though they really want you to come, but they don't want to (understandably) pay your expenses.

"I would love to have a “travel the world” vacation over the summer to Japan, but sadly, it’s just not possible - I don’t have that kind of money."

Are Jack's parents aware of this? It's hard to fault them if not. If they deliberately chose Japan because they know you like it, have shared every departure & arrival detail/transit/hotel, then it really seems like they are opening their family vacation up to the possibility of you joining.

That said, it's a long life and you seem like you're on a good track. After college, you can look for employment in Japan if you love it so much. Sorry it isn't working out for you now, but don't lose hope!

OOP

Hi, thanks for the reply. The bit about working in Japan does sound really exciting!

Unfortunately, they are very aware of my income problem. They know that I've wanted to go there over previous summer vacations but haven't had the money for it, and I think I even mentioned not being able to pay for it this summer, either (before they announced their trip). Part of what makes me so jealous is that they are flaunting this extravagant vacation despite being aware of my financial situation :(

Like you said, I think this is all well-intentioned by them. It could be possible that they want me to tag along. I know this vacation is going to be in the middle of a hiking trip Jack and I were planning, so maybe they are trying to tell me something?

DerNubenfrieken

And what does Jack say about that? Is that hiking trip canceled now?

I'm wondering if this is somehow them trying to get Jack to do something, like pay for your trip or break up with you or something even weirder.

OOP

I actually haven't put much thought into the hiking trip, but yeah, I suppose it is cancelled now :/ it was just an idea though, nothing completely concrete, so it can be rescheduled.

Not sure about any of that. They seem to really like me as his girlfriend, but admittedly I don't have any idea what they truly think. Jack does not have a job yet (going into the workforce after college) so I don't think they want him to pay.

Update  Apr 27, 2016 (1 week later)

Hi relationships. Thanks for all of your advice in my previous post. To those of you giving me information on programs in Japan - thank you! I took all of your advice to heart, but unfortunately I already have a job in the STEM field lined up to begin this summer and programs like those are not in the realm of possibilities.

Anyway, on to the actual update. I talked to Jack the night after I made my post. I told him that I knew his parents meant well by it, but the way they were constantly filling me in on the details of their trip made me more sad than interested. At first Jack didn’t understand what I was trying to say or why hearing about the trip would upset me; when I reminded him about my rejection from the study abroad program and the time he’d spent helping me work through that, he was able to empathize a little more.

Jack told me he recognized that his parents were, albeit indirectly, being rude by going out of their way to tell me about the vacation. He said that gushing so much about a vacation to anyone who wasn’t going was insensitive and if I asked them politely they would tone it down. Unfortunately, he refused to talk to them himself. I’d requested that he do so to get things resolved a little more smoothly, but in the end it was up to me.

I decided to call ahead and visit Jack’s parents privately to have the conversation, instead of during or after one of our dinners (that would have been awkward). I broached the subject with his parents by saying that I appreciated their thoughtfulness in trying to keep me updated on the vacation planning, but that travel to Japan was still a sore subject to me and hearing about it made me sad. I spoke for a while about my dream to travel there, the study abroad, and how I was very regretful that the experience had impacted me so strongly. It was incredibly selfish of me to get jealous so easily, and I planned to work on my sensitivity in light of the issue. I had hoped that by making the conversation more focused on my behavior than theirs, it would deflect the blame from them and feel like less of a direct attack. It did not work so well.

Throughout my whole monologue, they were completely silent. As soon as I finished, Jack’s mom said quite coldly, “I’m sorry you’re offended.” I kept the conversation going for a few more minutes, trying my hardest to reiterate that it wasn’t their fault, but I received only short, cold responses. Jack’s dad did not speak at all and walked out of the room as soon as I stood up to leave. Before I left I thanked his mother for speaking with me and said I’d see them at dinner during the week. Her only response was “we’ll see.”

When I told Jack about the confrontation, he was confused by their reaction but changed his stance on the whole thing. Now he’s saying that I was being unreasonable from the start and I should’ve been able to tell they would take it poorly as it was rude of me to mention it to them at all. He insists that they would have had the same reaction if he had told them instead of me.

Over the course of the week Jack’s parents never contacted me about dinner, which the four of us usually have together weekly. Our dinner dates are always on Wednesday, so yesterday I decided to take the plunge and give his mom a call. I asked...

---

Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1vgti1a/my_boyfriend_and_his_family_are_going_on_my_dream/

Over the course of the week Jack’s parents never contacted me about dinner, which the four of us usually have together weekly. Our dinner dates are always on Wednesday, so yesterday I decided to take the plunge and give his mom a call. I asked if she was still on for our usual Wednesday dinner and told her I’d been wanting to make a new recipe for them to try for a while now. She said, “sorry, that’s not going to work.” And that was the end of the conversation.

So here’s where I am now, hurt and completely confused. His parents are ignoring me completely and my relationship with Jack is strained since he vehemently denies supporting me at all. I’m at a loss for what to do here. I don’t know why either of them reacted like this. Any advice is appreciated, as always, but I’ve decided to just see if time will mend the wounds. In the meantime, I’m reconsidering my relationship with all three of them.

TL;DR talked to boyfriend, he understood but wanted me to tell the parents myself. They were upset, Jack has apparently taken their side, and parents have avoided contact for the past week.

EDIT: Jack's mom called me on the phone a couple of hours ago. In a nutshell, she told me very spitefully that they brought it up to me so frequently to make me jealous. She said they were hoping I would eventually break down and beg them to pay for me to come - that way they could show Jack that I am of a lesser social standing and "not a good fit" for him. Then, she basically broke up with me for Jack over the phone (wtf?). I am honestly at such a loss here, maybe this was just a lie she made up because she was offended but even so it's incredibly hurtful. I have no idea if Jack knows about any of this but I don't care, I am done with him and them, I do not want to be associated with such classist, manipulative people. This was such a terrific waste of three years of my life.

TL;DR update Jack's mom called me and claims they wanted to make me jealous enough to beg to go on the trip with them so that Jack would see how poor I was and break up with me.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

Kind of sad op didn't give jack a chance after the conversation with mother over phone. Give him one last chance to not be coward and be a man after the truth is revealed. Just be constantly in picture ruin their day everyday till they die is revenge in its own way.