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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2026-08-06 04:02:06+00:00.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/sparkilini

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

My daughter turned 18 and left home 2 days later.

Thanks to u/BakingGiraffeBakes & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Mood Spoilers: tentatively optimistic

Original Post: May 4, 2026

I thought I had done everything as best I could. She always struggled with following rules, structure, plans. There had been many struggles over the years. Major ones, big things that might have broken other people, but not us.

In the fall, she was focused. She wanted to be an art teacher, she applied to schools, she got accepted to her top choice. I think things are going great. Her older brother got his associates during high school and started his third year of college at his chosen school this year. He graduated last year. I mention him just to say I thought she was on the same track. So did he. He helped her with the forms, the applications. We all cheered her on.

Then about three months ago, things started changing. She was skipping classes, showing up late, not completing her assignments. While she had never been as dedicated to school as her brother, I'd only had minor issues before. She always performed well enough so she could continue participating in her extracurricular activities. Which she dropped, one by one.

She started hedging on college. She wouldn't complete the paperwork. She started talking about a "gap year." I was surprised but I didn't want to push her too hard into something she wasn't ready for. Especially something as big as college. So I said, no problem! We start talking about how if she's going to be staying home, she needs to secure a full time job, and put away a certain percentage of her salary for savings. She says she feels depressed. We connect with her existing providers about it. She already had a psychiatrist, a therapist, the works. She had all the tools.

She wanted to keep working at the seasonal amusement park with all her friends. It's not enough hours, it doesn't fit the plan, she hasn't wanted to learn to drive, it's not bus-friendly, I spent so much time dropping and picking her up last summer I felt like I, too, worked at this amusement park. I say, sorry, no. That doesn't fit the plan you agreed to. I tell her, you need to learn how to drive this summer, too. Especially since you aren't going to school. She doesn't want to. Says her friends will give her rides. (She said that last summer, too.)

On her 18th birthday, she brings over her new boyfriend to meet me, I welcome him into our house, I'm so excited and happy she's opening up like this. I say hello, I introduce our dog. "Oh, I know Wednesday" he says. Everyone freezes. "How do you know my dog?" I ask. Then the truth starts trickling out... our world implodes.

She's been sneaking him in the house via her garden window. She's been sneaking out the same way. She has a burner phone, I found four vapes in her room as I was cleaning it out. She had a boyfriend (man-friend, really) in Mexico for over a year, it just ended a month prior. She had been telling her brother for months that she was moving to Mexico as soon as she graduated. (At least that's over.)

The worst part was that I found three months’ work of her medication in her room. She just decided to stop taking it, but she lied to her doctor (and me) about that.

She's gone to school and told them I kicked her out. She's living in a homeless shelter.

She came to get some things and she was so cold, I didn't really recognize her. No acknowledgement of what her actions did to anyone else. She wanted to take her stuff and leave without any conversation. It didn't really go well in the end, she took her stuff and left mad. I did give her the cell phone we pay for. The only requirement was she had to leave the location on. She went to prom on Saturday. She was back at the homeless shelter by curfew. Something impossible at home. But then the phone didn't move for two days. She can't stay at the shelter during the day. She's supposed to be at school today.

All of a sudden, no one knows who I am. No one can help me. She's 18. She's an adult now.

She turned 18 and she just left.

I never thought I would be one of "those" moms. I wasn't strict, I didn't yell, I wasn't perfect, but I loved her so much. I supported her so much. I took her anywhere she asked. I got her little treats. I went to the plays, the recitals, I volunteered in the classroom, teachers knew my name. I thought we had it pretty good, but she was a whole other person I knew nothing about.

I see her making the same kind of mistakes I made at her age, and I can't stop her.

I can only sit back and watch.

I didn't experience this with my oldest, his birthday came and went, and nothing really changed. He left for college and told me that he knew everything I ever did, was for his best interest, and he told me he was sorry he fought me sometimes, because now he can see that all I ever wanted was for him to be successful and happy. He told me how much he loved and appreciated me, especially since their dad hasn't been around since they were babies.

I didn't stop being his mother overnight. Not like it feels like I stopped being hers. She even took me off school notifications. So I don't know now, when she skips class, whether she went.

My dad is flying in for her graduation. Her graduation dinner has been planned for months.

I don't even know if we'll be invited to see it. I don't know if the dinner will even happen. I don't even know if I want to go.

I feel like my world just fell apart. My youngest is 12 and watching with baited breath. I see her tip toe-ing around me, trying to not make me cry. Trying to be so helpful, so loving, so I don't miss her sister quite so much.

But we all do. I miss the family I thought we had, the version of myself I believed in, and most of all.... I miss my daughter. I miss the girl I thought she was and I wonder, if that girl ever even existed.

No one told me this could happen. So I'm telling you.

Editor's note: OOP made lots of responses, I am listing more significant details OOP provided that were not in the original post

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: You mentioned that she left her medication behind and she hadn't taken it in three months. What medicine and what diagnosis has she received?

OOP: I was trying to avoid giving too much of her personal information because stuff like her diagnosis/medication isn't really my info to share.

Commenter 2: Tbh it sounds like maybe inside she never wanted all those things. And did them to make you happy. Now she doesn't have to, and she doesn't know what to do cuz she was never allowed to be her own person and figure it out. The whole college track perfect life isn’t for everyone.

OOP: She always said she did, but maybe you're right. Maybe she really didn't. I wasn't trying to force her into anything she wasn't ready for, though. I told her she never had to go to school at all. It was always her choice. Maybe she didn't feel that way, though.

Commenter 3: I'm sorry to hear. I can only go by the description and from that, you compare her to her brother A LOT. Each child is entirely different and saying you got her little things kinda reminds me of my mother. She gave me things she liked and wanted and totally failed to listen and to give me what I wanted or needed. I left 2 days after finishing high school. It's been 14 years.

What she wants is different from what you want for her and from what your son wants. Trying to please her by going with some cookie cutter format will not work.

OOP: I agree it could seem like that based on the post. I don't compare them to each other, though. They couldn't be more different.

At one point I told my son to stop harping on her about college so much, because what was right for him might not be right for her. I think she felt considerable pressure about college even though I had repeatedly said if she wasn't ready, that was fine. If she didn't want a 4 year traditional college, fine, If she wants to take a year off, fine. That I think is something I think all kids graduating high school feel.

OOP on comparing her son and daughter, playing favorites

OOP: I responded to this observation in another comment. I agree it could seem like that based on the post. But I've worked really hard to avoid that particular dynamic. I don't actually compare them to each other pretty much ever. I never say things like "your brother would.." or "I wish you were more like your brother" or "brother did this or did that" or whatever other toxic stuff happens in that situation. They are very different. I've always known and celebrated that. I sent them to different elementary schools so they could build individual worlds and identities separate from each other.

I actually told her brother to knock off pressuring her about college, because what's right for him isn't necessarily what is right for her. I've really tried to support them individually as well - especially since they are so close in age. I grew up with a ...

Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1vgtjts/my_daughter_turned_18_and_left_home_2_days_later/

I actually told her brother to knock off pressuring her about college, because what's right for him isn't necessarily what is right for her. I've really tried to support them individually as well - especially since they are so close in age. I grew up with a brother almost as close in age with me and experienced a lot of what you're describing.

They were both public schools and were similarly rated, they were in our home district. I just asked for a school reassignment and they did it. I had to facilitate some things to make it possible, but no one got a "better" school than the other.

They were incredibly different from one another. I wanted them both to have their own environments to thrive in. They were in the same middle and high school because that's how it works in our district. I'm not going to say the names of their schools but if you think two public elementary schools in the same suburban district aren't going to be incredibly similar, I don't know what to tell you.

I don't think that's what I've expressed here. I've said I tried to do my best, not that I did zero wrong. I'm fully aware of some mistakes I've made and also willing to hear about others - some of the feedback I've received here has been very helpful. Outside perspectives are how we learn.

I didn't say her brother is perfect either - I'm actually quite annoyed with him for telling her off and blocking her because it didn't help the situation any and now one of her lifelines is cut off - they were very close to one another.

They ways in which I treated them differently were.... because they were different. The type of conversational approach that was very effective with my daughter would shut my son down. The things she was interested in were very different from his interests. Their strengths had some overlap but there were some areas where one outshined the other, and vice versa. That's just parenting. You can't treat all your kids exactly the same.

Commenter 4: I’d like to hear the daughter’s side of the story.

OOP: Honestly? Me too. She denied not taking her medication, when I had the full bottles in my hand. She denied the vapes as I held them. She denied the burner phones as I held a broken one that I (again) found in her room.

I want to hear the story she is telling herself because then maybe I could understand and find a way to reach her. I would give anything to know what she is thinking.

Commenter 5: Yeah it sounds like you are leaving out some major chunks of her story. You sound like my estranged father. Clueless and always the victim.

OOP: I don't know. I left out some personal things about her I didn't want to share, because they're her things to tell, not mine. They don't really make any of this make sense, though.

Maybe I am clueless. It's very possible. I have asked everyone around me that knew us. No one understands it, but there is always the possibility that I'm not understanding something fundamental about her.

Downvoted Commenter: Yeah you sound like most parents when their kids had enough of your shit. Of course you "don't know" and I'm sure that's a major reason she’s running as fast as she can from you. Because you won't ever know. Sorry to be cruel but you probably need to hear this.

OOP: ok. I have gone back and gone over my behavior a thousand times, trying to understand what it could be. I don't know what "my shit" might have been. I guess wanting her to attend class, wanting her to graduate high school, wanting her to have some kind of future plan. I am definitely blaming myself.

OOP on having her son checking on his sister

OOP: Her brother did check on her, they got into a huge fight over it, and he told her she was being selfish and he didn't want to see her again until she made things right with the family. I had begged him to please leave that door open, but I think he was just too angry. I keep asking him to unblock/reach out again.

OOP on trying to understanding what is going on and feeling worse

OOP: I really do welcome being challenged on this because I truly don't understand how it happened. But yeah... some of the folks here aren't being very kind. That's ok. If I didn't know me, I'd assume I did something horrible too. That's just the problem. I didn't. So none of this makes sense.

Commenter 6: Sometimes parents think they are being good parents but instead from the kids lens they are being intrusive and oppressive. Your lens. Her lens. It doesn’t make sense through your lens. Happens a lot. I’m so sorry you’re living through this, but you may need to do a bit of work if you want to truly understand this.

OOP: I was already in therapy, and I've been going twice a week since she left. I'm really trying to understand it.

Had OOP been strict with her daughter and allowing her to date at 17?

OOP: I don't really think so. Her curfew was midnight. She was allowed to go wherever with whomever. I didn't police her movements or activities I just checked her grades and held her accountable when she skipped school.

I don't know. She's always been allowed to date. I asked her the same thing myself. I would have been happy for her to have him in the house, in her room, I wouldn't interfere or do anything weird or anything like that. She often said she thought she might be asexual up until... introducing me to her boyfriend. I'm not sure why she didn't prior, I was just happy she chose to when she did.

OOP on her daughter's vape using and obeying the laws

OOP: Vaping here is illegal til you are 21. I’m worried about her health obviously, but also lying about it even when evidence was presented. I mentioned the number to substantiate that it wasn’t a one-time thing.

I guess on this I just fundamentally disagree with you that vaping and lying about it is a non-issue.

Of course... I want my daughter to be law abiding. I don't think I'd be a very good parent if that wasn't a priority of mine.

Also, I never said she was demonic or irredeemable. I didn't even mean to imply that. I am not sure how you got that from my post, but it's not how I feel at all.

I also mentioned her health (the biggest concern) and the lying, but you're dying on the hill that vaping is not a problem, so therefore, I am a controlling monster. Ok. I am not going to change your mind. I encourage you to quit vaping, though, because it is truly bad for your health.

OOP on her kids' father and if he's in the picture

OOP: He's been out of the picture since they were 1 and 2. He had drug addiction problems and was struggling with homelessness. I told him I would abide by any court-ordered visitation (which he has the right to file for as he signed a ROP) but he never did that, he just disappeared. I heard from him less than five times through their whole childhood. I never filed for child support. It kind of felt like an unspoken agreement - I never file for support, he never files for visitation. We didn't agree to it specifically or anything but that's how it worked out.

OOP on making parenting changes to help repair her relationship with her daughter

OOP:Hey - thanks for sharing your own experience and being so kind about the feedback you are giving. I really appreciate it. I can definitely see that some of what you are saying is true for my daughter and the way you put it helped make me understand how I can try to change my behavior to get a different outcome. I really appreciate that. I don't really do a lot of intentional consequences here. Natural consequences usually are enough. The most I'd ever do is assign some chores like cleaning a bathroom. I don't do grounding, taking away phones, that kind of thing. I don't think someone's personal freedom should be affected by one mistake.

I think I've been supportive of her, but after ready what you've said, I think I can be more. I think I could be more outwardly approving. I always tried to give her you know like five pieces of positive feedback for every one negative, but the negatives still always seemed to hit her so hard. I can find a way to help her feel a little more supported and encourage honesty more. Thanks again for your feedback. I found it really helpful. Maybe the most helpful thing I've read on this thread so far.

Update: July 30, 2026 (over 2.5 months later)

Update: My daughter turned 18 and left home two days later

I kind of doubt anyone who saw the original will see this update, but I did receive a few DMs as well as a lot of comments on the initial post, so I wanted to give an update now (three months later) as there have been significant developments.

I did see her once about three weeks after she left when she came to the house to get some of her belongings. This exchange did not go particularly well in that we did not come to any understanding about the situation. No more harsh words were exchanged but we both expressed disappointment in each other, and it was a very difficult conversation for me. She left after telling me she "just needed some time to sort her life out"

She did ice us out of her graduation entirely. It was a secure event so without tickets from the graduate, we were not able to attend. The graduation dinner we had planned went on as scheduled, as it had been paid for. We just didn't mention her and focused on another family occasion that occurred in the vicinity of the graduation event. It was horrible. I watched the footage of the ceremony on YouTube when it was posted by the school. She did graduate successfully. I was very happy to see that.

I can say without a doubt that these were some of the most painful days of my life.

My son reached out to her to apologize for his reaction about a month after she left. This was much at my urging but also something he said he needed to do because he had said some things to her in the heat of his anger that he did not truly mean or feel At the time she did not reply but she did re-add him on socials. So he was able to kind of keep up with her a bit that way.

Her best friend from school reached out to me at the beginning of July to say she was worried. That my daughter had fallen into a bad crowd from the amusement park she worked at. She was drinking and doing drugs, staying out late at night, walking home alone in dangerous areas. I reached out to my child again when I heard this. Not to tell her I knew anything, but to tell her I thought she must be getting tired of not having a safe place with space of her own and that I still missed her and would welcome her home with an eye towards moving forward rather than re-hashing old hurts. I messaged her many times, nearly daily, honestly, letting her know that I loved her and wanted her to come home. Asking her what I could do, if anything, to help her.

She said she didn't read many of my messages when they came in, but when she started thinking that she wanted to come home, she read a lot of them. Some many times. She said the messages eventually gave her the courage to reach out to let me know she was sorry, she had made mistakes and wanted to come home.

She did just that a couple weeks ago. She told me she was sorry, wanted me to help her get on the right path, and return home. I said yes and she came back. Things have been a little up and down, but she is here. She is getting the help she needs. She is safe. She is working to reconcile with her other family members. I hope we can continue moving forward in a healthy way and I've engaged therapy for our whole family as well.

I guess I just wanted to share that it took a while, but I kept the door open, kept hoping and reaching out, and she eventually came home.

Concluding Comments

Commenter: You did good. Sometimes children want to act grown but are uncaring and ignorant of the consequences. She has learned some important lessons, I hope.

OOP: I think/hope she did. Never a dull day as a parent.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

This is sad. I knew it was drugs. Massive personality changes are almost always drugs.

Op daughter just decided to numb herself and her brother really didnt help. Well she saw the light sooner than later.

I really hate these stories cause I feel the kids are dumb. Like I read another one were girl left with bad bf and parents said "your dead to us" so she commits to 10 years of bad life and blamed parents. In this case op really tried but only because op wasnt blocked by daughter. Like maybe think about if this is the life you want before blaming parents who said dont do it.