This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2026-08-09 04:00:25+00:00.

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I am NOT OOP. OOP is u/Playful-Magician-831

Originally posted to r/AITAH

AITA for telling my girlfriend I'm tired of chasing her after 6 years together?

Thanks to u/lynavi for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: extreme emotional neglect

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Original Post: December 26, 2025

My girlfriend (30F) and I (31M) have been together for 6 years. I've been planning to propose soon, but I've been struggling with issues I've brought up since day 1 of our relationship that haven't changed.

The main issue: I feel like I'm constantly chasing her for attention and affection, especially in social settings. When we're in groups with her family or friends, she won't come to me - I always have to go to her. She won't initiate conversation with me unless I speak first, and even then she just gives short answers without asking me anything back. When I suggest things, she'll say no, but when someone else suggests the exact same thing, she'll do it.

What makes this harder is that she's bubbly and engaging with other people, but cold towards me. It's like she saves all her warmth for everyone else.

I feel she always prioritize her convenience instead of our relationship.

Some examples of what I mean:

1. We usually meet closer to her place (2 hours commute for me). Even for my birthday celebration (we plan each other's birthday), she still wanted me to travel to her area rather than meeting somewhere more convenient for me.
2. At social gatherings with her family, she'll leave me alone without saying anything, even though I don't know her family well and was expecting her to include me or at least stay with me, or just check in from time to time if I'm alright.
3. When our relationship was struggling and was about to break up, I suggested couples therapy (which I offered to pay for). Her first concern was that the location was inconvenient for her.

I've raised these issues repeatedly over 6 years, but nothing has changed. Recently, I sent her a message saying that after 6 years together, I don't want to feel like I'm still chasing her or courting her, and that I'm not going to pursue her all the time anymore.

Her response was just "?" and then silence. It's been over a day and she hasn't messaged me. Historically, I've always been the one to reach out first and apologize, even when I'm the one who's hurt.

I decided not to respond to the "?" because I felt like that would just be chasing her again. But now I'm second-guessing myself - was I too confrontational? She's never been in a relationship before, so maybe she doesn't understand what she's doing?

AITA?

*Thank you guys for all of the advice, I'm now starting to see how dumb I am for not considering to end this sooner, I will not message her and will give an update if she ever reach out. Also an info I wanted to add I lost my father 2 years ago and I've been struggling with depression, I guess part of the reason I put up with this is that I really didn't want to lose another important person in my life

**This is mostly on social settings, but its fine when it’s only the two of us, we were happy the past years, though yes she indeed have selfish tendencies sometimes, and I'm at my limit about this issue I guess.

***Let me clarify the dynamics with her family, the main thing is that I'm still sort of the "outsider" and she's much closer to them compared to me because I only see them a couple times a year. I actually sometimes feel much more comfortable conversing with her family than her because they would ask me questions to extend the conversation, I actually got super close with her 2 male cousins instantly because I found out we share some hobbies in gaming and anime. But even with this, is it not fair for me to expect her to come to me from time to time and not me chasing her around all day? Or is it too much overthinking?

AITAH has no consensus bot, OOP was unanimously NTA, but YTA for putting up with his GF for six years!

Editor's note: OOP made lots of responses, I am listing some comments

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: NTA. Time to move on dude.

OOP: Deep inside I know this, but I’m really struggling with the guilt of wasting her prime years of starting a family so I’m always convincing myself that this might work once I marry her, I didn’t really expect the singular ? as her sole response for bringing it up.

Commenter 1: She is the one who has wasted YOUR time by continuing to treat you the way she does.

OOP: I never considered this before, thank you I guess my mental state is pretty f\cked up from this, I just really wanted it to work and I kept on ignoring things, but I'm really tired at this point.

OOP on his and the GF's backgrounds

OOP: We are both Asian, we live somewhere in SEA.

Commenter 2: NTA. I am shocked you could keep this up for 6 years!! no judgment, I think plenty of people do stuff like this and it's human to love someone and want to make it work. I am almost always single because I give feeling unseen and unwanted in a relationship 1 year TOPS, usually less than half of that lol. it could be that you have different approaches to things, or some other kind of explanation like she is masking with other people (bubbly) but feels comfortable enough with you to be herself. but if you have continuously brought things like this up for SIX years and she responds with distance, and she hasn't been open to counseling.... oh my gosh do not get married.

OOP: I really love her, and wanted this to work so badly but I'm really tired right now I guess there’s always a limit to everything

Commenter 3: NTA. You told her what you wanted and needed in your relationship, and her juvenile response was ”?” Wow, the only thing serious thing about this stunted, selfish woman, is that she is seriously an AH.

Reread what you wrote here. Would you advise a friend to stay in a relationship like this? I don’t think so. Be a friend to yourself, and end this one-sided relationship for yourself now. Trust that she already has.

Move on, OP, and work on your self- esteem.

OOP: Yeah I was really taken a back from her response (or lack thereof) I expected her to at least make me clarify or talk about it more even if she doesn't agree with what I said

Commenter 4: NTA. She isn’t going to change. Is this something you can/want to live with?

This is clearly a one sided relationship. Why are you putting yourself through this.

OOP: It was worse before actually, when we were at their home she often would speak a different dialect to her family so I’m just sitting there like an idiot not understanding anything. It did got better but still the same issue, and it still hurts I’m now realizing how dumb I am for putting up with this for too long.

Editor's note: OOP made a couple more updates onto the same original post

Small Update: December 27, 2025 (next day)

SMALL UPDATE: I couldn't help myself. After she ignored my vulnerable message for 2 days, I reached out again last night with messages explaining how hurt I was by her dismissiveness and asked if she wanted to meet up.

I also told her I think we have an anxious-avoidant attachment dynamic and sent her videos and detailed explanations about it, hoping she'd finally understand where I'm coming from and maybe even give us a starting point on how we can fix the relationship.

Her response? She completely ignored everything I said and just told me :

"I'm going to the (insert mall we usually meet at) anyway, you can come if you want"

So even after pouring my heart out about feeling dismissed and invisible, she... dismissed me and made me feel invisible. Again. It really hurts.

I'm meeting her today. I know everyone is going to tell me I'm an idiot, and you're probably right but I need to do this face-to-face.

I'll break up with her.

Final Update: February 19, 2026 (nearly two months later)

FINAL UPDATE: We're Engaged 💍.

I know, 99% of you told me to break up with her. honestly I don't blame you based on what I shared, Some of you will probably be disappointed reading this but just hear me out.

During the meetup after the small update, we had the most honest conversation we've ever had in 6 years. She was open and acknowledged that she might have a dismissive avoidant attachment style stemming from past trauma — I was actually the one who brought it up and shared resources about it, and it just clicked for her. Something she'd never really considered before, but it was dead on.

We're committing to couples therapy together, and she's also open to individual therapy for herself.

And yes — I proposed and she said yes.

Because even through all of this, I realized I can't imagine living my life with anyone else. Even in moments like these, I'd still choose her and that I really lover her so much.

I'm going in with clear eyes though. I'll keep communicating my needs and I'm hopeful that with the work we're both putting in, we ca...

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Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1vjfpia/aita_for_telling_my_girlfriend_im_tired_of/

I'm going in with clear eyes though. I'll keep communicating my needs and I'm hopeful that with the work we're both putting in, we can finally break the cycle we were stuck in.

Thanks for the advice either way, it genuinely helped me have that conversation.

Update: July 25, 2026 (five months later from the last update)

AITAH for telling my girlfriend I'm tired of chasing her after 6 years together? *UPDATE

So I posted this around 6 months ago before I was really contemplating whether to still give the relationship a chance and whether to propose.

This is the link to the original post: https://www.reddit.com/r/AITAH/s/O0YjeQ2zUw

I stupidly ignored all of your advice and went on with the proposal being hopeful of the self-awareness my gf showed during our heart to heart talk after.

I realised now that this was a mistake, it's really not a good idea to love someone's potential instead of who they are currently.

What happened after is that she never made any concrete steps about the therapy she promised, and just went back into her avoidant tendencies ignoring my needs.

Even with all that I was still willing to push through with it actually (that I admit was stupid in my part).

The last straw for me happened just last Sunday, when we were on a pre wedding tradition in our country where the families of the couples would meet up and bond and where the couples would proclaim their love for one another.

She said in this event that she doesn't need a man to be complete and I'm that just a nice bonus for her, also that she's the type of person not to feel butterflies in her stomach or excitement in the relationship but she appreciates my consistency.

worse part is she never said she love me in this event, not even once.

I understand that being independent is good, but it’s not the right time and place for this.

When its supposedly the day we should show our love for one another in front of our families.

I felt really unwanted during that moment, and I felt invalidated again for all my efforts and sacrifices.

I talked with her earlier today about the hurts and she invalidated me again.

That's when I decided to stand my ground and choose myself this time.

At the end she handed me back the ring and we broke up.

Stupid to not end this sooner but I have found respect for myself after neglecting my needs for far too much.

In the end I think I was indeed TAH to the both of us for dragging this for far too long.

Thank you for all the advice, I hope we both heal from this in the future.

TL;DR: Ignored all reddit advice, still went on with the engagement, promises were broken and after the last straw of invalidation, finally broke up.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Whew! You dodged a bullet here!

OOP: Yes I felt that I already poured everything I could have in that relationship, but in the end all of it was invalidated again. Never again, but I learned a lot and I have no regrets

Commenter 2: Man ignoring the advice and pushing through was rough but learning from it is huge. The ring return and breakup sounds painful but necessary. You deserved better than feeling like a bonus. Proud of you for choosing you.

OOP: Yeah I really tried to push through with it, which was stupid in my part, but glad I had the courage to end things before getting married.

Commenter 3: I’m so sorry you had to experience that much emotional pain. I was once in a relationship where I was the only one giving love and never really got any back. After we broke up, I kept wondering why I had held on for so long. Someone once told me, “There is a point at which, you have to choose to either let go, or be dragged.” I let go, and once I was over my heart break, my life became so much better.

You have all my empathy, OP.

OOP: Yes this was not an easy decision to make especially when you still love the person. But I realized that I was clinging unto her potential rather than who she was at the moment, that was the big mistake.

What was the GF's reaction to the breakup?

OOP: She didn't expect it then she shutdown, like literally she couldn't say a word. We had our closure via messages after

OOP responds on not taking the ex back

OOP: Actually she already messaged me the night of. She asked if its already too late for therapy, I said she should do it for herself rather than for me.

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

Knew where that engagement was going to end.