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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2026-08-11 04:00:08+00:00.

Original Title: Boyfriend (M23) of 2 years had no bday gift, card or plans for us and kept me waiting to hang out until 10pm because he was playing videogames. I no longer wanted to hang out after that, so he claimed I am just moody and having an attitude about this

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Im_I_The_Problem

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Boyfriend (M23) of 2 years had no bday gift, card or plans for us and kept me waiting to hang out until 10pm because he was playing videogames. I no longer wanted to hang out after that, so he claimed I am just moody and having an attitude about this

Trigger Warnings: neglect / gaslighting

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Original Post: August 28, 2021

It's my birthday today, and some stuff went down with my boyfriend of 2 years that I could really need other people's opinions on:

• we're in a committed relationship for over 2 years (currently long-distance)

• he only remembered my birthday cause another friend congratulated me while we were in a group voice chat

• he had no gift, card or even a long sweet message for me, and hadn't even planned anything concrete to do together on my bday

• He did however say he will be mine all day and we'll do whatever I want (-> I had to plan my own birthday, and he would just comply to it - and not even that happened as you'll see:

• he then added that just one thing needs to be done first (a pc game match), if that's okay

• I agreed that ofc he could go play that match (they take only 45 minutes, and it was only 2:40pm), which he said he'd get done asap to make time for me...but he didn't.

• Instead, he sat in VC with his friends all day and left me to myself while he played a different game solo

• He did make occasional small talk in my DMs, but the whole day went by without him doing anything with me, so I got distant in my replies. Not unfriendly, but less invested & affectionate

• He said later: "By 8pm I should definitely be done with my match, else I'll just cancel that game match". But even then, he didn't. He finished by 9:30pm. The match can be played any day btw.

• he had me waiting till 10pm before we could actually even start doing things together. He kept me on standby all day for video games and I couldn't even go do much else, cause he was supposedly gonna be free to spend the day anytime soon. It overshadowed my entire day.

• So when he hit me up by 10pm, I no longer wanted to hang out and gave a summary of the day and his total lack of effort as explanation, concluding that if I wait until only 2 hours of my bday are left even though he's been free all day, so I might as well spend the remaining two hours alone as well.

• That upset him. His reaction was insensitive and rude: He said "too bad", that he "tried", that I gave him a "fuck off attitude" all day and that he after all offered to do hang out. He claimed I just "got a mood" and added dismissively "whatever dude, enjoy the last 2hrs of your special day, I'm out o/". An hour later he came back pointing out that he now feels empty, hollow and worthless and is "sorry for disappointing" me, and said he'd go sleep now

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So am I just having unrealistic expectations in thinking that he should have had planned at least something, written a nice long message or have had any kind of small gift or have prioritized spending time with me? Thank you in advance for your time and opinion

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: No he’s gaslighting you, this is toxic. He sounds awful And you deserve better. Also happy birthday I’m sorry it’s been so shitty but there will be better days :(

OOP: Thank you, I hope the next one will be better

Commenter 2: If you stick around and still with him on his birthday, give him the same he gave you. If he gets mad, just say, don’t get mad cause I pulled a YOU on YOU. Yeah, I'm petty like that.

OOP: His birthday is actually in less than two weeks. I will probably not buy the gifts I had planned for him anymore now. But if it comes to fighting fire with fire, I think that that would end very nasty with him, so rather not, haha

Commenter 3: Oh goodness. Okay long story short: it's the age old adage that actions speak louder than words. He put zero effort into making your day special or even remembering it ffs, he repeatedly made you an option not a priority, and then he gaslights you to try to make you feel sorry for him? Yeah, no thanks. Is this a one off instance or is he like this all the time? I would seriously reevaluate why you are allowing yourself to be treated like this. If this was how your friend's boyfriend treated them- what would you tell that friend? Because I'd tell them they're worth more than video games and to find someone who appreciates their worth.

OOP: It's not the first time I felt neglected in favor of his games or friends, no, it has actually been a topic often

Commenter 4: And why are u with this child for 2 years?

OOP: Because I felt a connection to him, intense passion, because we've both had really awful childhoods, because he felt unlovable and I wanted to show him there's someone who will always believe in the good in him

Update: September 4, 2021 (one week later)

I figured people might be interested in the next chapter. The advice I had gotten in the last thread was very clear: To break up with that guy, because he's selfish, immature, manipulative and lacks respect. Well, I didn't get to that, and here's why.

The next morning he sent me a long voice message to apologize (but it was not really an apology, cause he did say sorry and that he fucked up, but blamed me for the way he acted). He asked for a call that evening to hash things out. I agreed to listen to what he'd have to say, though my expectations were low after having heard his nonpology before and having made up my mind pretty much to leave him. Things seemed okay, until I pointed out that while I understand his point of view, gaslighting and manipulating me the day before was still not okay. He got very upset about that, claimed *"This is too hard!"* and followed it up with *"We should call it quits"*. So yeah, he first ruined my birthday and then broke up with me the day after my birthday, and tried to make himself look like the victim in the process, too. It was not planned, just an impulsive anger reaction. But he picked a day I sure won't forget.

As you can imagine, I did not hold him back. We actually had a nice talk after that and then that was it. Somewhen late at night he left a DM saying that he may feel things weirdly, but actually loves me and cares about me. Frankly, I even think he means that. But his actions have shown the opposite, and it has been enough. He didn't ask to get me back or so, I guess he just wanted it out there.

It's been a couple of days since that night. On the first night I cried a lot, because despite all I deeply cared about him and would have loved to make him happy. Just not at the cost of being disregarded and hurt too often. Occasionally he checked in on me since that breakup. I guess you could read that negatively as hovering, but idk, I think he just really wanted to be nice now and not leave burned ground. We rarely spoke though, and I mostly focused on my own interests and things that are good for improving my well-being now. His days barely changed, I guess. Excessive gaming, day to night, if possible whilst hanging out in a call with his friends. Well, he'll no longer get distracted from that.^^ I'm still sad, but also feel freed and my friends - and you, reddit people, have been so supportive. Thank you to everyone who offered advice in the last thread. To new chapters. Cheers o/

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: This makes me so sad. I was in a relationship for 2 years that wasn't nearly this bad, but did involve me initiating about 90% of the time and being stood up nearly every other time I made plans. I remember receiving a notification on Valentine's Day (our anniversary, coincidentally) that I had a gift ready for pickup and finally feeling a spark of hope inside. When I went to pick it up, it was from a friend.

Remind yourself that you deserve better if you ever consider going back. There are far better things ahead.

I'm proud of you for sticking up for yourself. I know it's not easy.

OOP: Thank you for the nice message. I added a little warning to his accounts that remind me of what he is like (only I can see it), in case I ever feel tempted. I hope that keeps me from taking him back when he tries to lure me back in

Commenter 2: Next time he "checks in on you", tell him you're still waiting on your fucking birthday present. Stop engaging with this dude. I know that's easy for me to say, but he has proven that he will blame you for something that is his problem. This is not healthy. Move on from him. Close the door, call up friends or family, and disengage!

OOP: Oh, nah, I want no gift from him anymore. In fact, even on that day a really sweet message or plans for us would have been enough, though I would have gotten him a gif...

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Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1vl6syp/boyfriend_m23_of_2_years_had_no_bday_gift_card_or/

Commenter 2: Next time he "checks in on you", tell him you're still waiting on your fucking birthday present. Stop engaging with this dude. I know that's easy for me to say, but he has proven that he will blame you for something that is his problem. This is not healthy. Move on from him. Close the door, call up friends or family, and disengage!

OOP: Oh, nah, I want no gift from him anymore. In fact, even on that day a really sweet message or plans for us would have been enough, though I would have gotten him a gift on his birthday. I don't reach out to him, I just live my life now and try to move on in peace

Commenter 3: He says he "loves" you and "cares" about you. He doesn't know what those words mean. Cut him out of your life.

OOP: Yeah, I think he really doesn't know. He grew up being abused and is on the spectrum. That does of course not give him a free pass to be a jerk. But I think he loved me the only way he was capable of loving. I think there is actually no malicious intent in his behaviour towards me, he just really doesn't have more love to give. Not even for himself. He's selfish, but he doesn't like himself

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

Op last comment was pretty sad but if true no point in being in relationship.