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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2026-08-11 04:18:59+00:00.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/Throwaway32now

I [33 F] have been with my BF [ 31 M] for a year and 3 months. Im thinking about breaking up with him because he doesn't like that I give expensive gifts and money to my parents.

TRIGGER WARNING: Mentions physical violence

Original Post  Apr 6, 2016

First I want to apologize because  this might be a long one. I'm freaking out a little and need some advice from strangers. I want to just give some background on everyone involved here first. Both of us are doctors. I've finished residency last year and he is still in residency. We met at the hospital we work at. We got into a fight because he saw me buying a plane ticket for them to come visit me. I boxed the paragraphs you can skip if it's too long.

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Both of my parents were doctors. They both made a lot of money especially when you combine their income. However, we have lived as middle class family. While their peers and friends lived in fancy properties (some of them more than 1) and nice luxury cars, we were pretty much your average suburban household. This is because they have always like to be frugal when it comes to spending money on themselves. They would send money to Mexico for their family every month and give to charity. And when I started middle school, they started doing doctors without borders. When I was 16 they used to take me to their medical missions to see how fortunate I was. The thing that they do like to spend a lot for themselves is traveling. I've been to so many countries before I was 18 and learned so much. But even then, we were pretty frugal. While they can afford fancy hotels, they choose not to. Recently they've been using airbnb.

My mom does collect bags though. One time I caught her looking at Louis Vuitton bags online. One was worth $1000 and I asked her why she doesn't buy one. She said that it doesn't make sense for her to buy something that expensive just for her. So, I told myself that that's the first thing I would do when I make it.

Another thing they spent a lot of money on is on me. One time when I was in college I told them I had a back ache and they bought me a tempurpedic. I never even asked for it. I also got a new car when I got into college. I got to do study abroad as well because of their money. I started working part time jobs because I didn't want to take advantage of my parents. They were already paying for my tuition and rent. All I had to pay for was utilities and food so, I was able to put a lot of money on my savings from their help.

When I got into medical school, I couldn't work as much. But they still provided for me. When I finally finished school and started residency they retired and moved back home to Mexico. Their retirement and savings allow them enough money they don't need any help from me.

I got to keep the house which is already paid for. I just have to pay for property tax and utilities. It's a 4 bedroom home so my BF and 3 other people live with me. We all divide the cost of the property tax and utilities so it comes out to about $400 a month. When you are wrorking as a resident, you still aren't making that much money. It's only enough to get by. Given that I live in an expensive city, $400 monthly is really helpful.

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Now here's the problem. Thank you if you're still here btw! I am very very grateful to my parents. While my colleagues have about $200,000 debt, I barely have any loans. I have always wanted to give back to my parents because of this. So when I was done with residency and started making a lot, I finally bought my mom a Louis Vuitton purse and my dad this helicopter toy he likes.  I also took them out to a nice fancy dinner. When I gave them their gifts, my mom started crying and told me to return it because it's too much. I told her she needs to keep it and I'll be offended if she didn't. We then had a nice heart to heart I told them that I am who I am because of them and they told  how much they are  proud of me. I told my BF  about this and he just said "ugh she's so emotional." which is true, she cries easily.

Sometimes I'll randomly send my parents cash if I have extra after spending my money on important expenses, shopping, and my  savings. I'll tell them to use it on themselves for fun. Now, I know that I wont always do this because when I have a family I'll be prioritizing them. I know this because it's what my parents tell me. But I want to do this while I still can. It makes me happy.

My BF and i got into a huge fight today because he saw me buying them a plane ticket to come here. He told me that I've already bought myself a ticket to see them. Why do I still have to buy a ticket for them to come here. That should be their expense. It's true they can afford it. However, they can only afford to see me maybe once a year since theyre only relying on retirement money. I would like to see them at least more than that.

He says they've created a "spoiled rotten child."  Saying that my parents enabled me by giving me so much. This confuses me because when I do something for my parents, he tells me how codependent they are and it's their job as parents to help me. I then called him a hypocrite and told him he's basically living off of my parents by living in the house they paid for. And if he doesn't like it, then he should just move live in a $2000 apartment like everyone else.

He's in a hotel now but he said he will come home tomorrow morning. I honestly don't know what to do after that fight. There was a lot of yelling  and he destroyed this sentimental vase my grandmother made for me. Do i suggest couples therapy? I'm really in tears as I write this because he's the first serious BF I've had in a very long time.

Tldr: my BF and I have different opinions on how I give back to my parents who have been very supportive parents in my life. How do I make this work? Should I even try to make it work?

EDIT: my roommate/best friend just came home and I've told her what happened. She actually told me some red flags  about BF that I've never noticed before. We're going out to talk some more so I will update and reply to everyone else. Thanks for all the helpful advice! I've read them all and took them all to heart.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

Thinkifyourabuela

I created my first reddit account to tell you don't you DARE let that man back in the house your parents worked for. He destroyed a vase your abuela made you!! What the FUCK are you thinking? Do you think they worked so hard and loved you so well for you to crap all over your own self respect by being with a man who would do such a thing? This guy is a capital L LOSER who wouldn't know love if it bit him in the face. Hope is a good breakfast but it's a bad supper. This man has shown you who he is. Don't you dare spit in your family's face by making this asshole a part of it.

OOP

Oh thanks for taking the time to make an account for me! Haha I love your username. I stopped crying for a bit but this comment made me tear up again because you're right.

~

OliviaPresteign

He sounds pretty resentful. Calling you spoiled rotten and complaining about how you spend your own money doesn't bode well for your relationship. And then he destroyed your property over this? Yeah, no. That's not okay.

Do you want to be with someone who yells at you and doesn't respect your things?

OOP

No, I shouldn't be with someone like him. It's funny, when this argument was going on I was thinking "Break up!" immediately. This is gonna sound pathetic but one of the reasons why I'm second guessing is because  I honestly don't know how I'm gonna find someone else with my kind of schedule. I figured dating another doctor would make it easier. But I never expected someone so stubborn like him. If I'm being honest, if that's the only reason why I choose to stay,  then it's not really worth it right?

Update  May 25, 2016 (Nearly 2 months later)

I wrote this update about a month ago so this happened the day after the original thread.

Here is the link to the old thread: https://www.reddit.com/r/relationships/comments/4dotfr/i_33_f_have_been_with_my_bf_31_m_for_a_year_and_3/

Thanks for all the positive comments! I just want to address some questions I got asked before updating. I can box that section again and you can skip that if you're not interested! The update will be below that.

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There was point about how my parents seemed to good to be true and that they were overcompensating for working too much by throwing money on me. First, they aren't perfect. I can name a few things that annoys me about them but they are just irrelevant to my current issue. Namely, they used to be over competitive that I've decided I can't play games with them. Ugh, bowling is NOT fun to play with them lets just say that. Also, I don't believe they were throwing money at me. If ever they overcompensated for working too much, it was family vacations and a set day every week where we would hang out as a family. I felt they balanced things perfectly b...

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Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1vl769l/i_33_f_have_been_with_my_bf_31_m_for_a_year_and_3/

There was point about how my parents seemed to good to be true and that they were overcompensating for working too much by throwing money on me. First, they aren't perfect. I can name a few things that annoys me about them but they are just irrelevant to my current issue. Namely, they used to be over competitive that I've decided I can't play games with them. Ugh, bowling is NOT fun to play with them lets just say that. Also, I don't believe they were throwing money at me. If ever they overcompensated for working too much, it was family vacations and a set day every week where we would hang out as a family. I felt they balanced things perfectly because I never felt like they were those parents that kept pushing you to hang out with them. At the same time, I never felt like they were picking their work over me.

There was also a question about why I dated BF in the first place. He does have some admirable characteristics. Namely, I noticed how ambitious and hardworking he was. He also drops a lot of things to prioritize me. I remember when we first started dating, but weren't exclusive, we and our mutual friends planned a huge trip a month in advance. I got sick 2 days before so I couldnt go so he didnt go either to take care of me.

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Ok update! (BTW these quotes aren't exact words we said. I just think it's easier to read with quotation marks).

My best friend came home as I was reading your replies. I told her what happened and she told me that it's honestly not that surprising. We then decided to talk at a small bar and she told me there were many things that she didnt like about him. She was actually surprised I dated him in the first place.

First of all, there's no denying that he is an ambitious person. While I had everything easy, he didn't. He depended on no one to get to where he is today. However, she told me that he's also a very intense person. At the hospital, he's very hard to work with. When interns make a small mistake he'll ask them what school they graduated from. If its a prestigious school he will flat out tell them "what, do they take anybody now?" If its a low tier school he'll say "well, no wonder why." He made one volunteer who's an undergrad cry at one point.

At home he's just as difficult to live with, she says. For example, if my roommates cook something, they'll usually eat and then wash the dishes after they're done eating. However, if he sees them eating and the dishes are there he'll say something.

Like, "wow there are some lazy people here." or " do I have to wash everything?" She said that even leaving a fork becomes an issue.

I'm not proud at this part but I kind of got mad at her for a minute. I was drunk at that point and needed someone to blame and asked her why she let me waste my time with someone without telling me all of these red flags. She told me that these issues were just minor problems and she didn't feel the need to get in the way over something trivial especially since I was happy with him. However, she said that this fight we got into now is not trivial and advised me that it isn't something I should let go. So, she suggested we grab some more wine and pack up his things. It was so fun just being so drunk and attempting to fit everything in a small suitcase. Honestly, we spent more time laughing than packing.

The next day he came home. At that point I was 85% sure of breaking up with him but I still wanted to hear what he had to say. Sometimes, people make mistakes and you can really see if a person is worth it by how they fix them. Before he went home he just kept texting me about how he's sorry about the way I took his criticisms. And he said that it's actually good that someone criticizes me instead of "kissing my ass like everyone else." So, not really an apology.

When he saw the suitcase though, he started to apologize and say he was wrong. Have you guys ever heard a child apologize? You know that tone they make when they're just trying to say what they know their parents want to hear so it can be done with already? Well, that's how he sounded.

Then there was some silence and I just said, "Well, what about the vase?" And he says "What about the vase?" I just look at him and don't give him an explanation because he should know what about the vase! So I wait for him to give an explanation.

He says "Ok I'm sorry, that was mean. Maybe we can probably take the pieces, dull them out and make it into a charm bracelet."

I told him if I wanted a bracelet I would've asked for one. I wouldnt say this out loud but I kind of liked the bracelet idea. But I like the idea of a mosaic more like u/redorangeyellowgreed suggested. Also thank you u/ladymerr for offering to restore it.

There was another awkward silence so I spoke. "Do you know how annoying it is for me to do something nice for my parents and then there's negative nancy on my shoulder shaking his head or making rude comments? You take away the moment when you do that." So he said, "Yeah I can see how that's annoying. I'm just worried that if we get married you'll always have your family. Your parents themselves always sent money to their parents and I didn't want that to be something I have to look forward to. It can become a burden."

I told him I didn't believe that was the reason. Even if it was, it just horrible to think that helping family members is a burden! I said "you know full well that my parents don't need our help. If anyone was gonna be a burden it's you and your loans." I know that sounds horrible but I was getting really angry at that point.

So he told me that that's exactly what the problem was. He has loans and I don't. That I'm just so lucky in my life. I told him I KNOW I'm lucky and I'm glad he recognizes I'm lucky. So what's problem? But he went on..... "do you think you would have been a doctor without your parents help?" and "Maybe you got into a school with their connections." I told him if I was going to use my connections then I would've tried to get into his school or my parents school (he and my parents went to prestigious medical schools while I want to an average one). He replied by saying that thats the difference between the two of us. While he's so ambitious and won't settle for less, I'll be happy with an average school.

Ugh it's like talking to a brick wall. Either I'm using my parents for connections or I'm not ambitious enough. At that point, I was just so exhausted. I was hungover and his voice sounded like nails on a chalkboard. I just told him to leave and i'll have our mutual friend bring the rest of his stuff. He asked me if we were breaking up over this and told me that he can't help he feels that way. He'll try not to voice his issues about my parents next time. I said to him that I can't be around him knowing that he's thinking of something negative while I'm around my family. Even if he's not saying anything, I'll still see it in his face.

I honestly don't get what his deal is or where his insecurity is coming from. OK if you look at us just on paper, he's definitely the more interesting one. He went through a lot of hardships as a teen, graduated at the top of his class, and participated in many different projects and charity. No one is denying this. I don't understand why he has to keep proving himself. I, on the other hand, am your typical med school applicant. Sure, I got good grades and did the required things to get in, but not enough to set me apart from other applicants like he did. I would have been happy going to a Caribbean school if I can still match residency.

So yeah, we broke up. He texted me a few times. I haven't responded so he texted me with "You know it's illegal to kick someone out without notice?" I don't really know what to do about that part of my situation so I'll have to figure that part out. Thanks!

tl;dr: Best friend told me he was no good. I decided to hear what he had to say. He made things worse so I broke up with him. Going to try to build a mosaic out of the vase and I'm looking forward to doing that. FINAL COMMENTS

[deleted]

this sounds like the right decision. I'm sure you know this but don't take it at face value that you can't kick him out, research your local laws, if he's not on the lease or a co-owner you may be able to.

OOP

Yeah thankfully he only said that to get a reaction from me. I believe he's living with a friend now.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

My god I dont how someone cant just hate so much about their SO and want to stay with them. Like bruh calm down all im hearing is im a asshole blah blah blah.