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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LopsidedLeopard2181 on 2026-08-12 07:49:18+00:00.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/jollyattorney6433

Original post is in Danish. Translated by me, a native speaker.

TW: ableism, abandonment

Original post: July 28, 2026

Can career and special needs children go together?

I’m curious about how other families with special needs kids make everyday life work. Is it possible to have a career? How do you get your work life and family time with special needs to work?

I have three children, the two oldest have autism. The oldest goes to a special needs school, and the middle one is in kindergarten. Right now we’re working on getting the middle child into the same special needs school as the oldest. The oldest is “normal functioning” while my middle child have a needs that require a bit more. Additionally, two of our children have the same rare disease (metabolic), which requires monthly hospital visits.

Our everyday life is chaotic, despite planning, routines etc. We have a family counsellor who helps with this. Yet I experience being to stressed when it comes to my work to fulfill the routines and chores we have divided.

Right now I’m freelancing, and I see it as the only option because I’m currently the only breadwinner and I earn well, but also because of the flexibility. My wife, however, thinks it’s too risky with small children to be freelancing (my parents agree), because she thinks that I/we neither have a safety net nor the same rights when it comes to eg. Sick leave, parental sick leave, paid time off, parental leave etc.

Therefore my wife often ends up dealing with a lot alone. I can have meetings during (basically) every hour of the day, and it has no doubt created bad tension between us. She doesn’t feel that I’m present, and she feels alone.

My wife is pregnant, and is about to go on maternity leave. She has, for the last couple of years, set her education aside to be the one who does more at home. However, she says that after ending maternity leave she wants to finish her studies so she also has job security + the option for two incomes etc.

Because I’ve only just started with a new client in April, I don’t have the opportunity to take time off this summer, and I won’t take parental leave (no, not the earmarked 14 days either), to my wife’s great displeasure.

I feel like I can neither perform what I want at work, or be the dad that makes family life with special needs children work. My wife thinks I’m unrealistic, and that I should accept that our family has other circumstances and needs that requires me to work less, that we need to find another solution. I think she’s unrealistic because everything also has to work financially and I need the flexibility to take part in meetings regarding the children, hospital visits etc. I don’t you can do this in a “normal” workplace.

Please share your thoughts and experiences.

RELEVANT COMMENTS:

COMMENTER 1:

I honestly think that sounds insanely unsustainable. My younger brother is an employee, a software engineer, and earns around the 90k you’re making, including pension. He’s currently on parental leave. My husband earns a little less than you as an employee, and today is his last day of parental leave. We only have one child, but if we had a second and my husband said he couldn’t take any parental leave at all (especially during the first few months), I would have completely fallen apart. What if your wife has complications after giving birth? What if she has a C-section and isn’t allowed to lift anything for quite some time?

Honestly, it mostly seems like it’s your ego that makes you feel like you have to be self-employed. Does she ever get the chance to be the one who pursues her dreams? And if she’s going to finish her degree and also start earning money, then maybe your high salary isn’t quite as necessary after all. I would seriously feel betrayed if I were your wife.

OOP’s reply:

My partner’s midwife is concerned about the pregnancy because of the amount of stress she/we are under. She has also said herself that she is exhausted and feels psychologically affected by the situation. She gave birth earlier than expected in her previous pregnancy, and the midwife also believes there is a risk of that happening again this time. She has therefore been told to slow down and rest as much as she possibly can.

When we found out she was pregnant, we were in a completely different situation, and of course I promised to take parental leave. But when a business partnership unexpectedly fell through, I had to find a quick alternative.

The problem is that we’re now in a difficult situation where I feel like I can’t really do anything about it, because I have a job that requires what it requires. Even though I also think it’s an unfortunate situation, I simply can’t see how we can make our finances work otherwise.

My partner has more of a “we’ll figure it out together” / “we’ll move somewhere smaller and look at our budget” attitude — which does sound lovely, but to me, it just doesn’t seem realistic given the responsibilities we have.

COMMENTER 1:

Doesn’t sound sustainable that you change nothing either.

COMMENTER 2:

Why in the world are you having a fourth child, if you can’t even take a couple weeks off

OOP’s reply:

When we found out that my partner was pregnant, I was in the middle of a major project where we (the business partner/company that had hired me) had agreed that the project would be extended through August. Shortly afterwards, the company had to put the project on hold for a year or two due to a change in budget priorities.

I was therefore suddenly left without a project and had to find a new one quickly, since we only had enough savings to cover three months. I started with a new business partner in April, and because of the short notice, I didn’t have the option of taking a summer vacation.

I didn’t tell the company/business partner that my partner was pregnant because I was “desperate” to secure a new project and make sure we had an income. As a result, I’m not in a position to take parental leave.

COMMENTER 3:

3 kids and one more on the way, a wife who’s already stressed, feels alone and also wants to return to the job market, multiple special needs children and you argue that your freelance life with meetings at all times of day and ZERO summer vacation and ZERO parental leave and ZERO sick leave, parental sick leave etc is better than…?

Sorry, ANYTHING is better than that. I earn over 50k, work 32 hours, have kid’s first and second sick day off, parental leave, paid sick leave and a nice retirement plan, four weeks summer vacation and a phone that’s turned off from 4 pm to 8 am. And I myself am autistic and have to kids that both have special needs.

“The divorce came out of nowhere”…

1 day later:

OOP posts the same exact thing to a different Danish subreddit. Gets similar answers, arguably harsher.

RELEVANT COMMENT:

Dude. You’re so obviously the autistic person your children inherited their disability from. You sure you’re not yourself masking a mega burnout, and therefore prioritizing what you’re “good at”? Step into reality if you love your family. I got diagnosed late in life, when a range of challenges begun to show up, when I became a dad and begun having a responsibility for another human being. Tone down your dreams and be there for your family. I used to work my ass off too because “you need to do your work” – trust me dude, fuck that noise – workplaces understand family life, especially with special needs kids – and if not, it’s the wrong workplace. Currently we make everything work with 25.000 DKK a month, because you can get so much support in this country, and we have all we need. You don’t even take vacation, so it can’t be that you need all that money for.

UPDATE one week later, August 5. Comment from OOP on their own post

Thank you for all your messages. I am very touched by many of your comments. I have read each and every one. This account is originally mine, OP’s wife, and the post was originally my idea. He thought everyone would agree with him, so I suggested he make a post. Shortly after, on Friday, he told me he wanted to divorce. Since then he’s had no interest in being in contact me, nor in being a part of the pregnancy, even though I’m giving birth within a month. He also told me that he didn’t want to be present at the birth. Because of all this, the same night I was hospitalized in the psychiatric emergency unit. He is completely impossible to talk to, and unfair when it comes to finances, he won’t answer any questions, refuses therapy, refuses being under the same roof, and won’t help me in any way in this last time, everything has to be on his terms, after his schedule and his head. If I press him the tiniest bit for a compromise, he explodes. Therefore I’m currently alone with three children, two with autism, two with chronic illness, and a little one that can arrive ...

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Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1vm7l43/can_career_and_special_needs_children_go_together/

UPDATE one week later, August 5. Comment from OOP on their own post

Thank you for all your messages. I am very touched by many of your comments. I have read each and every one. This account is originally mine, OP’s wife, and the post was originally my idea. He thought everyone would agree with him, so I suggested he make a post. Shortly after, on Friday, he told me he wanted to divorce. Since then he’s had no interest in being in contact me, nor in being a part of the pregnancy, even though I’m giving birth within a month. He also told me that he didn’t want to be present at the birth. Because of all this, the same night I was hospitalized in the psychiatric emergency unit. He is completely impossible to talk to, and unfair when it comes to finances, he won’t answer any questions, refuses therapy, refuses being under the same roof, and won’t help me in any way in this last time, everything has to be on his terms, after his schedule and his head. If I press him the tiniest bit for a compromise, he explodes. Therefore I’m currently alone with three children, two with autism, two with chronic illness, and a little one that can arrive anytime. I got beginning contractions, that luckily stopped last night, and then I was completely alone with the kids. The pregnancy unit wanted to hospitalize me, but he didn’t think that was his problem, and afterwards he hung up and turned off his phone.

I hope to get some tips, some organizations where I can get help, someone who maybe can tell me what is happening in his ADHD brain that makes him leave his family so suddenly. All help is very appreciated.

-OP’s wife

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

How does someone have 4 kids with someone who doesn't care for them.