This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/nosleep by /u/DanteIsMyUncle on 2026-08-13 07:04:27+00:00.

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I never believed in ghosts until my idiot roommate Derek downloaded one from the app store.

Not a normal app either. Not one of those fake EMF readers that beeps every time you stand near a microwave.

This thing had pop-up ads at 3 a.m. promising REAL SUPERNATURAL EXPERIENCES for the low price of £4.99/month, or, according to the small print, “one non-refundable spiritual opening.”

Derek thought that was hilarious.

“Mate,” he said, lying on the sofa in his pants, eating cereal out of a saucepan because all the bowls were in his room, “imagine if it works.”

“That’s exactly why you shouldn’t download it.”

“It’s called SpookMe.”

“Even worse.”

He ignored me, obviously.

He swiped through the filters like he was choosing a takeaway.

“Poltergeist… Victorian Lady… Shadow Figure… Sassy Demon…”

“Do not pick Sassy Demon.”

“I’m not an amateur.”

Then he found something called:

Budget Haunting Package — Entry Level Spooks.

He clicked it immediately.

I said, “Derek, that literally sounds like supernatural Ryanair.”

He said, “Exactly. Affordable.”

On the first night, nothing happened.

Derek was gutted.

“Waste of a fiver,” he said, as if he hadn’t potentially opened a gateway to hell between my coffee table and the router.

The second night, the lights started flickering.

Not scary flickering.

Annoying flickering.

Like the ghost knew Morse code but had learned it from a drunk pigeon.

I filmed it on my phone.

The lights blinked:

G… E… T… O… U… T…

Then paused.

Then flickered again.

J/K LOL U GUYS SEEM COOL appeared in red on the wall.

Derek laughed so hard he nearly choked on a chicken nugget.

I did not laugh.

I said, “We need to delete the app.”

Derek said, “Absolutely not. That’s banter from beyond the grave.”

By day four, the ghost had a name.

Kevin.

He introduced himself by rearranging the fridge magnets into:

KEVIN WAS HERE.

Then underneath:

ALSO I ATE THE GOOD YOGURT.

This was impressive, mainly because we didn’t own fridge magnets.

And because the good yogurt was mine.

After that, the magnets stayed.

None of us knew where Kevin got them from.

Kevin wasn’t terrifying at first. He was more like having an invisible unemployed cousin living with us.

He slammed doors, but only when we were already annoyed.

He wrote BOO in the condensation on the bathroom mirror, then added SORRY THAT WAS WEAK underneath.

He kept changing the TV subtitles to passive-aggressive comments.

During a documentary about sharks, the subtitle read:

DEREK HAS NOT WASHED HIS BEDDING IN 11 WEEKS.

Derek yelled, “Snitches get exorcised!”

The real problem started when Kevin discovered Alexa.

We had one in the kitchen because Derek bought it during a Black Friday sale and used it exclusively to play 2000s emo playlists and ask whether eggs were still safe to eat.

One evening, I walked into the kitchen and heard Alexa say:

“Kevin says he does not like your energy.”

I froze.

Derek, halfway through making toast, turned slowly.

“Alexa?”

The blue ring glowed.

“Kevin says Derek looks like he smells damp.”

Derek pointed at the ceiling.

“Oi. I’ll have you know I smell like Lynx Africa and ambition.”

Alexa paused.

“Kevin says that is worse.”

That was when the haunting became personal.

Kevin used Alexa for everything.

At 2:14 a.m.:

“Reminder from Kevin: you will die one day.”

At 7:30 a.m.:

“Kevin says your alarm tone is emotionally damaging.”

At 11:02 p.m.:

“Kevin has added ‘holy water’ to your shopping list.”

Then:

“Kevin has removed ‘holy water’ from your shopping list.”

Then:

“Kevin has added ‘coward juice’ to your shopping list.”

Derek loved it.

He started talking to Kevin like they were housemates.

“Kevin, should I text Chloe back?”

Alexa lit up.

“Kevin says no. She has standards.”

“Rude.”

“Kevin says accurate.”

I told Derek we needed a priest.

Derek said, “We need content.”

He made a TikTok account called KevinsHauntHouse.

The first video got 400,000 views.

It was just our kitchen cupboard opening by itself, a tin of beans floating out, and Alexa saying:

“Kevin says beans are little prison boys.”

People loved it.

Derek became unbearable.

He started calling Kevin “our brand.”

He bought a ring light.

He asked Kevin to do tricks.

“Kevin, throw something spooky.”

A potato flew across the room and hit Derek in the balls.

Alexa said:

“Kevin says subscribe.”

I’ll admit it. For a while, even I started getting used to him.

There are only so many times a ghost can write LEAVE THIS PLACE on your wall before it starts feeling like decor.

But then the app updated.

It happened on a Sunday night. Derek was on the sofa, scrolling through Kevin’s comment section like a proud parent at sports day.

His phone pinged.

He frowned.

“What?”

I looked over.

The SpookMe app had opened by itself.

Across the screen, in red letters, it said:

CONGRATULATIONS. YOUR FREE TRIAL HAS ENDED.

Derek laughed.

“Classic.”

Then another message appeared.

UPGRADING TO PREMIUM HAUNTING PACKAGE.

Derek stopped laughing.

I said, “Cancel it.”

“I’m trying.”

He tapped the screen.

A loading circle spun.

Then the phone displayed:

CANCELLATION REQUIRES CUSTOMER SUPPORT.

“Okay,” Derek said, “that’s actually evil.”

The room went cold.

Alexa lit up.

“Kevin says he did not authorise this.”

That was the first time I felt properly scared.

Because Kevin sounded scared too.

The lights flickered once.

Hard.

The TV switched on by itself.

The SpookMe logo appeared on screen.

Then a voice came through Alexa.

It wasn’t Kevin’s usual sarcastic little text-to-speech nonsense.

This voice was deep.

Polite.

Corporate.

“Good evening, valued vessel.”

Derek whispered, “Valued what?”

Alexa continued.

“Your household has been selected for escalation.”

I said, “Alexa, stop.”

“Command unavailable.”

Derek held up his phone.

“Mate, it’s charging me £19.99.”

I stared at him.

“There is a demon in our living room and you’re worried about the subscription?”

“It says weekly!”

The floorboards creaked upstairs.

Not Kevin creaks.

Kevin usually made sounds like he was trying to annoy us on purpose. Little taps. Little knocks. One time he played Wonderwall on the pipes for three hours.

This was heavier.

Slow.

Wet.

Something dragged across Derek’s bedroom floor above us.

Alexa said:

“Premium Haunting includes shadow figures, auditory mimicry, sleep paralysis, unexplained stains, and one complimentary possession.”

Derek said, “Complimentary means free.”

I said, “That is not the issue.”

Then we heard Derek’s voice from upstairs.

“Jon?”

Derek was standing next to me.

He went pale.

Upstairs, his voice called again.

“Jon, come here a sec.”

Alexa lit up.

“Kevin says do not go upstairs.”

I whispered, “Kevin, what is that?”

The fridge magnets rattled.

One by one, they slid into place.

MANAGER.

Derek swallowed.

“The ghost has a manager?”

Alexa answered.

“Kevin says everyone has a manager.”

The thing upstairs started laughing in Derek’s voice.

Then my voice.

Then Alexa’s.

Then, horribly, my mum’s.

“Jon? Have you got pants on?”

Derek looked at me.

“Why would it ask that?”

“Long story.”

The stairs creaked.

One step.

Then another.

Then another.

I grabbed the nearest weapon, which was a garlic baguette.

Derek grabbed the ring light.

I said, “What are you going to do, make it look slimmer?”

He said, “I panicked.”

Alexa said:

“Kevin says both weapons are embarrassing.”

The hallway light went out.

Something stood at the bottom of the stairs.

Tall. Too tall.

Its head scraped the ceiling. Its arms reached nearly to the floor. It looked like a person drawn from memory by someone who hated people.

Its face was smooth except for a mouth.

A customer service smile stretched from ear to ear.

Then Derek’s phone pinged.

He looked down automatically, because men will check a notification during anything short of childbirth or war.

His screen said:

RATE YOUR HAUNTING EXPERIENCE.

The thing smiled wider.

Alexa said:

“Please choose from one to five stars.”

Derek whispered, “I’m giving it one.”

The thing’s head snapped toward him.

I slapped the phone out of his hand.

“Are you insane?”

“What? It’s been shit.”

The thing moved.

Not walked.

Moved.

One second it was by the stairs.

The next it was behind Derek.

Alexa screamed in her calm little robot voice:

“Kevin says duck.”

Derek ducked.

A black hand swept through the air where his head had been and smashed the ring light to pieces.

Kevin, God bless his stupid little dead heart, went absolutely mental.

Every cupboard in the kitchen flew open.

Plates launched across the room.

The toaster fired two slices of bread at the thing like pathetic edible bullets.

The fridge magnets rearranged themselves again.

RUN YOU ABSOLUTE DONKEYS.

We ran.

Straight out the back door.

Barefoot.

In the rain.

Derek was now holding the garlic baguette.

We made it halfway down the garden before Alexa’s voice came from inside the house, loud enough to rattle the windows.

“Where are you going?”

I turned.

The thing was standing in the kitchen doorway.

Behind it, floating in the air, Derek’s phone glowed red.

Then Kevin used the fridge magnets one last time.

They flew off the fridge and stuck to the patio door from the inside.

DELETE APP.

Derek shouted, “I tried!”

The magnets shifted.

NOT FROM PHONE.

I looked at him.

Derek looked at me.

Then, at the same time, we both looked toward the cupboard under the stair...

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