This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2026-08-17 04:02:02+00:00.

---

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/TeacherWifeBlues

My wife (29f) says she gets to make 100% of the educational decisions for our child. I (28f) can't change her mind.

TRIGGER WARNING: Controlling behavior

Original Post May 17, 2016

My wife and I have been together for seven years. We're expecting our first child in June. It's a girl and were both extremely excited.

Background:

I grew up in a family that valued education above all else. My parents both supplemented my education at home and my mother did a ton of research and footwork to find the right educational environment for me. I ended up at an alternative private school that my parents could barely afford but it was a place that I thrived in.

My wife grew up in a very poor family who put no emphasis on education whatsoever. She worked extremely hard to educate herself and ended up majoring in education in college. However, she is not certified and does not teach.

Problem:

The other day I mentioned wanting to start researching schools in our area. I said something along the lines of "of course we won't know which school is right for her until she's actually here." But my wife said that she would handle it. All of it.

She said that because she majored in education she should get 100% control of our daughter's education. I told her that was ridiculous. Just because I didn't major in education doesn't mean I don't care and it doesn't mean I don't know enough about it to get a vote. She disagreed and told me I could have full control of "what she wears and who her friends are."

I was floored. I tried to argue but I couldn't even think straight. I went back to her about it a couple days later and asked if I was a doctor could I make 100% of the medical decisions and she said yes, absolutely. I'm pretty sure she only said that because I'm not a doctor. I was trying to poke holes in her logic but it didn't work.

Since then she won't even discuss it. I told her I wanted to tour preschools and daycare centers this weekend and she said that she already took care of it and won't even tell me what that means.

I'm not going to give in. I get a vote. But I can't make her listen to me. What the hell do I do?

TL;DR- my wife says she gets to make all the decisions regarding our daughter's education because she majored in education in college. I think I should get a vote too.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

So at what point do your child's wishes enter into the equation?  Because I'm pretty sure she'll have her own thoughts on friends and clothing and even what kind of learning environment she finds most stimulating, and if she's anything like her moms, she probably won't be shy about expressing them.

I don't know how you two got this far into the babymaking process without this "all or nothing" attitude cropping up, but your wife needs to get it through her head it doesn't work like that.  You two are a team.  Either you figure out how to be a team together, you do it in counseling, or you hash it out in a custody agreement, but unilaterally shutting one parent out of the discussion is not going to fly.

OOP

Believe me, the all or nothing attitude is completely her. I have no desire to control my daughter's wardrobe or social life. I just want a say in where and how she's educated while she's young.

Illinoiscentralst

How has this not caused issues until now? This attitude of hers makes any partnership with her absolutely untenable. Not to mention she thinks it's some kind of an "award" that she allows you to control your kid's friends and wardrobe???

OOP

It's come up before. The biggest problem (other than this one) is that she thinks I should wait on her hand and foot (literally...I do the cleaning, the cooking, pay the bills, grocery shop, do the laundry, and any time she's sitting down and can't reach something she needs I have to get it for her...even if I'm sitting down too). She says she pays me back for all of this with emotional support and that it balances out. I don't feel like it does, though.

I try to draw lines and say things like I'll cook dinner but I won't pack your lunches for work. She just tells me my lines are arbitrary and make no sense. Then she refuses to do things with me until I comply and give her what she wants.

~

FailosoRaptor

She is being completely stupid.

1. Telling your SO you will have no say in one of the most significant parts of your child's life is incredibly stupid, selfish, and unrealistic. Its so incredibly disrespectful as well. No words

2. Just because she majored in teaching doesn't make her the ultimate authority. Did she write a PhD dissertation at Harvard about various educational institutions and their effects on females? Does she have an MD/PhD? Like what is there to brag about doing a common thing and finishing a masters program. Amazing you we're able to do what most of the population can do.

I can't even describe how much I rolled my eyes when I read this.

OOP

She doesn't even have a masters, she just has a B.A.

infiniteme

Oh wow! I'm a psychologist and run into people with psychology BAs all the time that proclaim some deep authority. I don't even think of myself that way and I'm a PhD. Check out the Dunning–Kruger effect. Basically a little knowledge in an area can make you foolishly overconfident. On top of the personality you have described here for your wife... Bad combination

OOP Adds more on her wife

My wife is very....hard to argue with. Once she gets something in her head your cannot convince her otherwise. Like one time we got into a fight about whether or not women pee out their vaginas. I told her that we have a separate hole for pee and offered to look up a diagram for her to see for herself and she refused. She said that she didn't want me to be embarrassed when I found out I was wrong.

She also doesn't care about other people's boundaries. She just barrels right through them. It doesn't usually bother me because I'm pretty laid back but I've never been a mother before and it turns out I'm not willing to take a laid back approach to parenting my child.

Update - rareddit May 20, 2016 (3 Days Later)

I figured I'd give an update since a lot has happened. Or maybe it just feels like a lot.

A lot of the comments on the original post suggested my wife and I go to therapy to discuss our issues. So I approached her one evening (after I made her coffee so theoretically she should have been in a good mood) and told her that we are partners and that means we make decisions together...all the decisions. I told her I wasn't willing to be a bystander when it comes to something as important as our daughter's education. I told her that I will be involved and that's that. She just scoffed at me and said, "you are in no way qualified to make those kinds of decisions." It occurred to me to ask her what she thinks happens when neither parent studied education but I figured there was no point. So that's when I brought up therapy. I said if she couldn't treat me like an equal, like a partner, and with respect then we had some serious problems. She said that I was the only one who needed therapy and she refused to go. I told her it was therapy or divorce and I'd give her 24 hours to think it over. She laughed and said "you won't leave me. You need me."

The next day when she came home from work she greeted me by saying "my co-workers all think you're crazy." I asked what she meant and she told me that she'd told her co-workers about my "behavior" and they told her I was crazy. I asked if her she reconsidered her stance on therapy and she just laughed at me.

So the next day I left her. I called in sick to work, packed up as much stuff as I could, and I've been staying in a hotel. She's been blowing up my phone but I haven't answered. I saw a lawyer yesterday and will be filing for divorce. Eventually I'll be relocating (my boss agreed to transfer me closer to my family since I'll be a single parent) but for now I'm staying put because if I have to fight for custody I'd rather do it here since it's a very conservative area and the facts that I'm the biological parent and she smokes weed every single day will both work in my favor.

I'm pretty emotional but I'm also curtain that I did the right thing. Thanks for help, Reddit.

TL;DR- The warm, funny woman I married has disappeared and was replaced by someone cold and cruel. I've left her and will be filling for divorce.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

puffin

"I asked what she meant and she told me that she'd told her co-workers about my "behavior" and they told her I was crazy."

I wonder what sort of messed up version of the truth she told them!

OOP

Me too. To tell the truth, I was extremely hurt by that. I had an issue with our rela...

---

Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1vqhqay/my_wife_29f_says_she_gets_to_make_100_of_the/

OOP

Me too. To tell the truth, I was extremely hurt by that. I had an issue with our relationship and I brought it to an anonymous forum where I tried to present a balanced view of the issues. She turned to people we both know in real life and painted a picture of me that was clearly distorted. I don't know why it's come to that but it really hurt my heart.

~

[deleted]

What kind of legal claim does she have on your baby if you divorce before your child is born? I am actually not familiar with what the law would do in your circumstances. I would have assumed that she would have no claim if you divorced and did not put her on the birth certificate.

OOP

The plan was for her to legally adopt the baby after she's born but my lawyer told me she can still fight for custody if she wants to because we planned the baby together. But he also said her chances of getting shared custody are small and her chances of getting sole custody are non-existent.

And to a similar comment

I have and he's confident we'll win. But if I have to stay here to give her visitation, that's not the worst thing. My lawyer says there's no way she'll get anything close to full custody.

~

[deleted]

Good job, OP. You made the right choice. It saddens me that someone with your ex's temperament and issues is even in the field of education.

OOP

She actually isn't in education. She does something completely unrelated. She just majored in it.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7