Link: https://i.imgur.com/jQBDLq9.gifv

Full brims, mouse ears, with glue, without glue, higher bed temperature, lower bed temperature, flat base, concentric cutout base - whatever I try, I seem to be getting wank adhesion, major warping, and ultimately this shitshow.

Dry PLA, warm room, no draught, plate cleaned with IPA. I'm going to fucking punch this thing in its stupid fucking face.

Edit:
Prevailing advice very much seems to be to bust out the Fairy liquid and give it a good scrub, so I'll try that. It's a Kobra Neo 2 so is auto-levelling, so I can't piss around with any of that stuff (as far as I know).
Another quick question while I think about it, does everyone always print onto the bed at ~60°C? Because Orca Slicer's default for a textured PEI plate is 45°C, which seems mad. I think I tried it once and it was shite so turned it back up to 60.