My family are like the very last people I need to come out to, and then I’ll be done with my social transition. I’ve talked about how afraid I am to come out to them so often in comments here that you all probably already know that they’re conservative Catholics.

I am so over hiding myself from them, I’m just ready for it to be over, and even if they respond poorly, at least then it’s something real and not just fear of the uncertainty

I don’t think I can do it in person though. It would be too uncomfortable, there would be too many people (I have a lot of siblings), and I don’t think I’d even be able to get the words out. But I still feel weirdly obligated, like I owe them the respect of coming out in person?

Please please tell me it’s okay to send them an email instead

You get to decide how you come out, that's up to you. If safety or privacy or feelings are a concern, then it's totally valid to put some distance between you.

As a parent, I'd probably rather a paper letter than email. An email feels kind of impersonal. Also if they're like my parents, they rarely check their inbox. Not knowing if they've read it and chose not to acknowledge it versus just not having seen it - that's a recipe for anxiety, personally

I'm not queer, just an ally with a trans son, but there aren't any rules here. Yes, it's often considered a courtesy to discuss important, relationship-relevant issues (like a breakup) face-to-face, but there are all sorts of reasons why some people don't. At the end of the day, this one is about you, not your family, and you should do what works best for yourself.

I came out to most of my family via either email or text. It’s less personal, sure, but it allows you to choose your words a little more deliberately. It also means you don’t have to wait until your schedules align to tell them, which was my issue.

None of them expressed any concern about the medium. The content was what mattered.

If, for whatever reason, you want to make coming-out in person work, you could consider inviting them for dinner or to a café to not have "too many people around". Or come out to your siblings first, possibly ensuring you their support when coming out to your parents. In any case, I have noticed that it helps to have supportive people around, so maybe bring a friend or some. If those you come out to are overwhelmed and don't know how to react, seeing how your supportive friends behave towards you gives them guidance.

I can't speak about coming out to family via text, but if it helps, here's my coming out email at work:

Nobody explicitly commented on it, but the subject gave me a smile for quite some days. Especially as it's sets up a wrong expectation about what the email entails and as the message body itself doesn't even mention gender or pronouns.

However, I can imagine that parents might be less nonchalant about implying you're becoming a parent, when you're not. So maybe choose not to do that.

I came out via email to the majority of the folks that i told. Of the people that replied to that email, only 1 family member was negative... He said that what i was doing was "gutsy", said he would use my new name but not my pronouns. So far i havn't had to deal with that person and i made a decision at that time not to respond. Unfortunately he may show up here next month with his siblings. The only plan i can think of is to avoid confronting him unless he makes a huge deal out of misgendering me. At least his siblings make a half assed attempt. Family can be the worst people wrt transitioning sadly.

But it was way easier dealing with that rejection because it wasn't to my face. And who knows, maybe he changed his mind. Lol.

Tldr email good. I used a text message for a close friend i hadnt spoken with in years and now we are in regular contact again and she has been so crucial and very supportive.

I hope that however you decide to come out that you will find those who will fully be an ally.

💜

It’s okay to come out via email.

On email, hell no.
Via mail, maybe.
By text, hell no.
By proxy, yes yes.

This message has been brought to you AFN Europe.

It is definitely okay to do it in an email.

There are also other ways to do it:

• Talking with them (the one you don't want)
• Writing an email
• Writing a letter
• Writing a letter and giving them to read, while you are there

Whatever you choose is okay. There are definitely other ways I'm not thinking about right now.

I was pretty sure my parents would be accepting and it was still difficult to say. I'm certain that is even more difficult if you don't necessarily expect them to react well.

Good luck

It's fine. I had to use text messaging for several people because I knew they would react poorly and would need time to let it sink in.

I came out via email and I'm fine. You coming out is for you, not for them. It can happen however you feel comfortable.

You got male! 50/50 chance this is funny. Do what you want. Hail Satan

my personal recommendation would be: instead of saying "i am a woman", say something like "i would like to be a woman, and it would make me really happy if you can support me with that". because

• the 1st thing confuses people if they've never read all these philosophy literature that many of you have probably read.
• while the 2nd thing is nice, personal, and directly asks them what to do. so it's less confusing.

Thank you! Feelings and reactions are definitely my main concern. My inclination towards email was that it would be faster and I wouldn’t be agonizing that the letter is taking too long or got lost in the mail. But I certainly don’t want anyone to feel slighted because it’s an email

Thank you 💜

Yeah, I see what you’re saying. However, I don’t want to give them the impression that this is something optional or that they’d be doing me a favor by supporting me. Maybe there’s a way I can phrase it other than “I am a woman” that also makes clear this is a non-negotiable aspect of who I am

Thank you, I appreciate that, and I wish you luck with your eventual coming out! I feel like I’m in a very similar position, I don’t think I’d even be able to get the words out, let alone say everything in the way I’d like to, if I tried to do it in person

Thanks friend 💜

Haha yeah, I think my parents would not be stoked about the whiplash if they were thinking I’m about to say my wife is pregnant. I’d really love to come out to a sibling first so I know I have someone on my side, but the one only I’d feel safe coming out to has a really bigoted wife, so no luck there

Thank you 💜 I can handle a negative reply over email, but yeah, in person has the potential to be a whole other can of worms. I hope that your one shitty family member doesn’t show up, and that if he does he is at the very least respectful

Well, you don't have to post the letter, you could write it and leave it on their nightstand or something

No matter what, I suppose there's going to be a bit of a waiting game