Due to a different circumstances, i was forced to have an interest in politics. I was center right in europe. I like evidence backed claims. Efficient policies, and damn the left is very good at that. I needed to kill a lot of internalized concept because they were factually wrong. ( war on drugs, VIH, abortion, ecology, tax break, housing, privacy, etc)

I then became very anti-capitalist and communism became quite an attractive solution. The more strict the better ! REVENGE!!!

However,

• the communist party in my country is well know for having trouble to recognize Ouïghours slavery and ... what the fuck the name of the amount of suffering is imposed onto them is called.

• It is a very hierarchical structure, there is no pluralism, no nuance, no differents proposition to a problem, no diversity -> hey that look a lot like stalin or a sect

• We will work better and faster and stronger when we will own the means of production, we will work more when we rise to power as we are proud. What is the meaning of work ? why work ? who want to work ? (andrewsim "who want to be working class")

• Still fixed hierarchy, still stupidly bureaucratic.Still cops, still prison, still kinda monarchic work structure, still not singing the full original international song (they left out some verse that are very anti-war and anti-autority)

• Tend to sweep gender identity, neurodivergence, religions, beliefs, critical thinking under the rug for "cohesion". Use fear and proudness to so. One solution fit all and everything. I understand the appeal. Everything is simple and homogeneous,you are part of the group, the goal is clear, just follow the leader kind of thing. -> hey wtf isn't this like the religious sect maga ? or far right activists? yeah obviously they are going in different direction but the sect method looked the same.

Well, i would say that i am quite confused but i got the spirit of anarchism. And i feel like that is anarchy itself. Critical of other theories and critical of itself. Constant change. Against the purity of thought, action, person, etc. The fact the there is not a single form of anarchy, there is spice and color. Anarcho-feminism ? anarcho-ecologist ? anarcho-comunisme ? anarcho-socialism ? crypto-anarchism (as in cryptography not the grift thing) a bit of all ? yes! and even in one of thoses "genre" you will find wild and various different form of them. I love it! Heck, i even find that in belgium and france it existed an anarchist(noel goddin) that launched patisserie in the face of politicians as a mean to protest and ruin their image of seriousness. It inspired other. He died recently but looking back onto their work they targeted politicians that are now in jail(kinda), industrials that are targeted with corruption charges, tv presentators thar are sex offender. So it is a haha moment then make you think.

If someone disagree with me and is passionate enough to prove me wrong, please guide me to your vision so i can understood it better <3
I am not necessarily right, you are not necessarily wrong. I may oversimplified a fabulous, wild and free vision of well... everything.

TLDR, communist party(or other authoritarian leftist) in my country exhibit in their structures, ideals and methods the very things that i despise in the current society, totalitarian regime or sects(religious or otherwise) (with a myriad of nuances but this is a TLDR)

Similar question from 4 years ago on Reddit with some answers (linking to an alternative Reddit front end)

The youtuber Badmouse recently published a video about his own journey from anarchism to marxism and back to anarchism. The video itself and atleast some of the comments are pretty relevant answers (linking to an alternative YT front end)