Hey Lemmy!

I'm a dad to a two year old boy. He's very energetic and needs quite a bit of supervision. Other than that I couldn't wish for a better son.
I'd like to preface my actual question with saying I want to be a parent and I wouldn't change that given the possibility.

The question is, does it get any easier? I have been stuck in a loop of wake up, take care of breakfast and other preparations, go to work, go back to parenting and maybe two hours of rest after the kid falls asleep. It feels like I don't rest enough.
I will however add that I've struggled with depression for the better part of a decade, I'm still pretty heavily medicated and in therapy. I'm much better than I was a few years ago, but the feeling of tiredness and lack of strength to be the best parent I can is at times getting the better of me.

I'm fully aware I put myself in this situation and I'm not sure I'd be happier with no kids. I guess I'm just looking for other people's stories of when they were in similar situations or simply some words of encouragement.

Thanks.

1. The "terrible twos" are called that for a reason.

2. You wrote "patenting" in the title instead of "parenting". You might want to fix that!

You should edit your post title; I almost came here to give advice on the paperwork for establishing a temporary monopoly on your intellectual property ;)

For parenting, YES it gets much easier physically really just about now (2-3) as they start to be able to play more independently, (esp imagination games -- encourage it, play along a few times and they will continue on their own).

It gets a lot easier physically when they go to school even that half-day a few times a week gives them a lot to process.

Beware, it gets much more challenging emotionally right around 3-5. This is where they will try to find what the boundaries are. Set clear boundaries and stick to them. Be a hard immovable rock just a few times and you both will really appreciate it for years after.

EDIT: oh yeah and be prepared to go into another room, yell obscenities at the little brat into your pillow where they cannot hear, and come back into the room as the Patron Saint of Calm Parenting. DO what you can to avoid losing it right in front of them or worse at them. They will test you.

Thanks, fixed the title!

Fixed the title, thanks! Hopefully the emotional support will be easier thanks to years of psychotherapy, but I'll take your suggestions to heart. Glad to know there's some easier times ahead.

I plan to love them no matter what, even if they will blame me for everything. Thanks, I'm doing better with time.

Easier yes, but different. Every month (or few months as they get older) things change and it's a new kind of challenge. So the problems you have now will end and you'll have new things to tackle.

Protip: get involved with other young parents. The kids will get social time and tire themselves out, and you get to split parenting with others and it's less effort. It takes a tribe to raise a child

Also have depression, can understand.

Thanks, I think that's what I'm missing, I don't know any parents in the area, there are some group play events for kids in the area, maybe I should look into them.
Do you feel like depression impacts your parenting?

It's a full time job for 18+ years, on top of the things already in your life. It isn't easy, but god damn it's fulfilling to see them grow. They do get very funny when they hit 3 or so and are grappling with language. They become proper little people.

Slightly related: One thing I'd suggest is opening an email account for them, and any time they say or do something funny or memorable, send an email about it. I love reading through the hilarious things they've said across the years that you forget about, and I'll give them the account when they're older.

Personal faves are my 3 year old calling a compass a clock of the world and my other one at 4 years old telling my retired boss, who had just told him he's grown since she last saw him, that she's also grown, into an old lady. Or saying, when he lost his favourite hat, 'that hat was a piece of my heart.'

Beautiful, thank you. Glad to know there's so much to look forward to.

TL/dr:
Self care is important.
Ask for and accept help.
It's hard but you will get through it, we've all been there to some degree even if we don't admit it.
Self care is important
There are some great times, enjoy them. They're only young once.
And finally, self care is important.

I wouldn't say it gets better, but it does get different as they grow. I was told it gets easier when they get past 35 (years).

You seem to be stuck in that day to day routine where you're feeling spread too thin with no end in sight. We've all been there and you just have to dig in and survive it. This isn't meant to make you feel worse, rather, that you're not alone. You have a chance to show your boy a whole world of things and every day is a new experience so while you're knackered, treasure the moments you can, they're precious. My kids still talk about a bedtime story that I acted out one night, it was 15 years ago. It's all worth the effort.

Now, you can't do your job if you're burnt out. You deserve and need some you time to recharge your batteries. Maybe you can even get some hours off work to help. Go for a walk, go to the gym, ride a bike, whatever you can do in a stolen hour for a break. Yes it sounds like another thing to add to your todo list... It is, but you need to be you to help him grow.
Self care is more important than you would believe.

That you accept you have depression is a big step. It took me years to get there. Honestly, well done. Asking for help from organizations, employers, colleagues, friends, family or even internet strangers is not admitting defeat, it's getting a power-up. It's not easy, but it helps.

Weekdays are hard, plan for the weekends. We often took our kids for a walk in the woods when they were young. We'd come home cold, dirty and tired, but we'd collect things, climb trees, talk to friendly dogs, we'd just live a bit and connect with life and things that matter. In a few years you'll turn into a source of money and transport.

Finally, having kids is a big life change, it's ok to miss your previous life. It's not necessarily gone for good, just paused if you want it to be. Its even ok to not like your kids sometimes... All kids are arseholes when they want to be. These things will pass, you will endure. If you have the choice between laughing or crying, try laughing first, but a good quiet sob can also help if you need one. You can do this.

Take as many photos and videos as you can, you will miss the silly things they say and do when they're small, and you're kinda sleep deprived so you forget stuff.. They'll also love watching younger versions of themselves saying and doing crazy things when they're older. And yeah, it gets easier every year generally - depends on the kid though, we're all different 🙂

Thank you, it's very encouraging, that's what I needed to hear!

Once they go to school, you will feel like you finally get some free time back and now you've learned to appreciate free time like never before.

Thanks! It's great to see how much my son's grown already and he's still got so much to experience, definitely worth documenting that.

Yeah, I often remember all the time I've wasted doing next to nothing, now I'd love to spend some time doing nothing. I guess I just have to wait some more.

Parent of 4 and 6 year olds here--short answer, yes. Specifically, around age 4 is when you get better sleep and your kid doesn't require quite as much supervision. There are challenges at every stage, but 0-5 is the hardest in my opinion. It's okay to put some things on hold and lower your expectations for that time.

Thanks, especially that last part, I feel like I have to be a good parent and keep growing like I did before being a parent.

I felt the same way. Also have a history of depression, your post resonates with me.

The main thing I discovered is the difference between life-giving activities and life-draining activities. As a new parent, I felt guilty that I didn't have the energy for some hobbies and gravitated to others. Things can be enjoyable but also leave you feeling drained--those are the things that will probably need to be on hold for a while. Once my kids got to school age, my energy levels changed dramatically and I'm now starting to get back into some of those things again.

It gets way better. And worse. Just different. You're doing awesome!

Thanks!

2-4 or 5 I'd say is the hardest. Just annoying little shits that occupy all your time, and the real cute baby stage is well done and over. 4-7 ish they start developing real interests and you can do actual stuff with them. 8-13 or so they're just annoying kids again. 13-20 they just annoying teenagers lol

Try to just enjoy the little moments that are awesome. You are never getting those back.

But seriously 2-3 sucks... There's a reason they say it's the "terrible 2s". You really are doing awesome! Nobody ever prepared me for how fucking awful being a parent is ... And it never ends. I'm constantly tired. Like I said though, it's just different through the different stages.

I’ve been reliably told, “The first fifty years are the worst”. Hope that helps.

I'm a dad to an 11-year-old, a 9-year-old, a 6-year-old, and a 4-year-old. I wouldn't call myself an expert, but I have felt all the ways you're feeling now and so I do have some thoughts.

First of all, yes, it does get easier. You're at or near the absolute hardest part of having a young child. For my kids, I won't sugarcoat it, the hardest part was when they were three (we called it "threenagers"), so you may have another year or two yet to go (though if you look at our age span, you'll see that we always had another baby right around that time, too, right up until the last one who was the easiest, so take that as you will). But after that phase, I will honestly say that my kids have become four of my best friends. It's a weird friendship, but it is a very rewarding one.

Second, there are different kinds of hard. You mentioned the rut, the exhaustion, the amplification of existing depression and anxiety, and the feeling like you aren't strong enough to do a good job; that's a great summary of the four different ways it gets hard. Not all of them get easier all at once, but they do all get easier. Kids grow up. That's both a blessing and a curse.

Third, part of the way it gets easier is that you just learn better ways to deal with the stuff that's hard. I needed a routine so that my days didn't become a rut, and I needed to journal (my form of journaling is heavy on photography right now) so that I could see all the ways I was actually doing a good job. It sounds like you're already medicated and in therapy (it took me four times as long in parenting to get to that point, good on you). I will be honest, I still haven't really found a good way to get enough sleep. But I have it on pretty good authority that teenagers sleep a lot, so I'm hopeful that it'll sort itself out soon.

Overall...well, I'll put it like this: Last year, my oldest beat me at chess, 100% legit, for the first time. My 9-year-old is maybe the most thoughtful and empathetic person I've ever known. My 6-year-old just learned how to read (a bit late), I think mostly so he can play Pokemon for the first time. My 4-year-old is just so excited about everything and anything. They're making friends and having a life outside of me, they're helping out around the house, and they're coming together as siblings.

Being able to write a paragraph like that is what makes it worth it, and what really makes it easier in the long run. Sometimes the greatest accomplishment is just keeping them alive for twenty-four hours (and I don't just mean right at the beginning), but eventually you get new and different problems and they start helping with the solutions.

At the end of the day, you obviously care a lot, and that's the #1 clearest characteristic of a successful parent. So it sounds to me like you're on the right track.

My daughter is 20 and in college now but I was a single dad and spent many days like you where parenting took every minute I had.

It absolutely gets easier. You're In the phase where they're mobile, can't do anything for themselves, yet somehow, if you look away for 3 seconds they will burn the house down.

They start taking care of themselves more and rmore, requiring less constant watching until one day you wake up and they're 20 and in college

Father of an ADHD 9-yr old who I love dearly. To quote a song from Hot Mulligan:

“Things don’t get better just different”

Thank you, it means a lot!

Yeah, I just hope I can cope with different better, it's mostly the rut I'm stuck in that's doing me in.

Getting to rest at about 80 doesn't sound too bad I guess.

There will be some different you can cope with better, and some maybe not. Just keep doing your best and showing as much love as you can, to both your kid and yourself.

psychotherapy

Incredibly important during this time

Yes. Two & three year olds are blisteringly cute, but take so much attention, you are right.

Around 7 is the age of reason, so that's when it really eases, you can explain more and control less, and teenagers can be legit helpful. But even 3 years old is easier than 2 because they can speak better, so are not so frustrated.

I remember with my first, she was truly a terrible toddler, just so much will and energy, had tantrums. On more than one occasion I had to remove her from a store or other public place. Put her in gymnastics and all that energy got focused on sports, was a good thing eventually.

I had 4 and married into 5 more - one day you will be thinking it all went by so fast, it's crazy. Hang on, you will make it. I won't say it gets easy soon, but less exhausting soon. Do you have a partner? Can one of you do more of the morning work and the other the evening shift?

Somewhat easier, yeah. I've got a 4yo girl now, and she has become very responsible. I still have to do a lot of work getting her to TK and stuff, but I have a lot more time and don't have to fully keep an eye on her because she knows to ask permission.

However, your mileage may vary. My 2yo is more like your 2yo and I'm not certain he'll be a responsible 4yo in two years. He's getting spoiled by his big sis, too.

But I'm not back to being like my childfree self yet, and that's a tough bar. I used to get to sleep until noon cause of my job; not so much now...

yes when they move out

NO! Rise up for your kids. Playing it safe is a death sentance. "Functional unemployment" nearing 25% in U.S., analysis finds

When they can hold their own food in fork it will be easier. When they can use the restroom and clean themselves it will be easier. When they can help you clean the house it will be easier.

They're going to introduce all new emotional strain to your life eventually, but they get remarkably easier as they become more competent. Part of your job is to make them competent at things.

This is about the most "your-mileage-may-vary" topic possible, but almost certainly, yes, especially when it comes to the stuff you talk about. Kids at 2yo just need way more helicoptering than they do a year or two later. Our son developed a heck of a talent for entertaining himself roundabout that age, so yeah, you'll get to have your own leisure time back. That's just kinda the sacrifice you sign up for, the first few years you get very very little.

It's a give and take situation, my partner is very tired as well, so if I want to rest, they risk getting overwhelmed and vice versa. We're trying to find a balance, but it's not easy.

Yes. Very much. It's hard to be present in the moment. It got easier when we could do things together. Parents group is a good idea, make friends, spread the load.

And always read books to your kid before bed. If you do nothing else, pick that one thing to do at least

Is its financially feasible (or maybe barter with something else), to have a sitter just to give yourselves an evening or weekend afternoon off? Just a few hours where you're not working and not being parents. Have a park or coffee date together.

We do read books to him, and he really likes it, even brings us his favourite books, so that's covered. Thanks for the suggestions, something to work towards.

It's definitely something we've been working on with my partner, she has some separation issues, there aren't many people that she trusts to leave with our son, it might get better when he's older though.

It doesn’t get easier. The challenges change, but the level of effort remains. As insane as it sounds I found the teenager years to be more challenging than the younger years.

Early on it is feed them, clean them and monitor them. When they get into the teenage years they start working against themselves. That is when it gets insane.

Thanks for that write up! If you don’t mind me asking: why did you decide to have another child while being in the hardest phase every time?

I have a 1-year old, and to be honest, if I had to decide today, I wouldn’t know if a second child would be a good idea for us

Aye.

They say it doesnt get easier, the difficulties just change.

My son is 13 now, and Id say its true. That said, the toddler years wiped me out. I much prefer these teen years.

It does get easier, but never is it easy.

I also have depression I struggle through all these years, keep swimming, I quite literally live for my son. I was taught in those early days, you cant pour from an empty cup as a parent, so take care of yourself

Thanks, hope you get better with depression too, hell of an affliction.

One thing you can take comfort in then is that nothing ever really stays still and whatever you are used to will change before you really realise it.

Yes.

Teach as much independence as their age allows.

Talk to them as an equal human, just smaller and less experience with things.

Calmly narrate everything you do.

Kids pickup on all this and the more they learn about how the world fits together, the more capable and confident they will be.

Try to encourage solo investigations of things, or quiet individual tasks like painting.

At 2 there is heaps of assistance you need to give. As the independence grows, your tasks may not get less, they just morph into something else.

for sure, I can appreciate your username :)

Yes. For one, the older they get the more independent they get. When they're little its like you gotta lug around like 2 large bags and a playpen if you wanna just like go to someone's house. Eventually you don't need the playpen, then two bags becomes one bag, then the large bag becomes a small bag and then they can just carry their own little backpack if they need any personal items.

In a couple years, prob when he's between 4 and 5, if you need to go anywhere, you can just be like "let's go!" And he will put on his shoes, put on his coat, run out to the car, open the door, jump in his carseat, buckle his seatbelt, and be ready. This is very fun.

If he is a 2 year old boy, there's a good chance he will still be in diapers, so not changing diapers is a big QOL improvement.

2 yo can be very challenging. Take him to the park where he can run off all that energy. He will chill out. My oldest son was extremely challenging when he was that age. He was impulsive, destructive, unpredictable. If he wasn't in the room with you he was painting the carpet with nail polish. If we invited people over for dinner, he would grab whatever was laying out on the dinner table and break it. He quick grabbed cellphones and immediately dropped them in classes of water, he would grab your glasses off your face and just break them in half. He destroyed multiple baby gates within seconds. But I just took him to the park in the morning, let him run, tried not to be too hard on him despite being sometimes incredibly frustrated. Told him I loved him every day, sang him to sleep. He chilled out, and now he's a hard working, committed young man. He's still a pain in the ass, but he's a good guy, I love him and trust him.

It gets easier but it gets more complicated. Some of the issues that can come up around age 11-13 are not easy. But its also my favorite age, because they become like self aware in a way that they weren't before. They develop little identities, but they're still kids. But this process, esp around other kids going through it can be really difficult. Teenage years can be difficult, even if they're not rebellious and chaotic, they become very self absorbed and it feels like they're slipping away. This also changes with time, and it has its own rewards watching them mature into young adults.

Parenting never gets easy, but those young years when they are so dependent on us are the most like labor intensive, and the labor is very like "make sure you have all of the 500 things you need for them in order to leave the house." Make time for your self and your partnership if there is still a partner in the picture. Ask for help if possible from relatives. Don't lose yourself and don't let your partner (if there is one) lose themselves either. Strive for balance over happiness. The happiness will come if there's balance, and it gets easier to find balance as they become more independent. But ironically, with independence comes strong ambivalence, not necessarily like happiness.

Hang in there dad, you got this