Hey guys, I will try to make this short but it’s hard without giving full context. So I started talking to this guy roughly 1.5-2months ago, we initially met through a friend of a friend. We initially just did sexual stuff and then started talking more… over the time, I had been confused on what he wanted from me (relationship or not?). I’m gonna just put in dot jots of the things he has done through out that upset me and made me feel as if he didn’t care…

1. ⁠when we first started talking and going out more often or whatever we had went to the movies and then at the end of the night I just wanted a nice quick hug so I was joking around laughing and I told him come give me a hugggg get outttt the car, and he didn’t bother. He made a comment saying “this isn’t a movie” or whatever. And I ended up slowly walking back to my car and he rolled up his window as soon as I got inside and left. This was also before we were clear that we are dating for intention of being partners
2. ⁠mind you, I cut off my guy best friend irl and a long term gaming buddy I had for him, out of respect. So that also pisses me off that I feel disrespected by him and I did those things which I know is bare minimum and trust me, I don’t care to do those for someone I want to be with but for respect to not be reciprocated idk?
3. ⁠1-2 weeks before it was clear he wanted more, he made a “joke” or whatever he said he didn’t mean it that way where he texted me saying “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t be in a relationship because I’m not emotionally mature or wtv” and this because I told him that emotional maturity is a biggest thing I look for in a relationship
4. ⁠he used to joke around and call me “dumb” “bitch” or whatever (I guess not in a serious way like we’d be doing a game or whatever) and then I ended up telling him I don’t like it and I think it’s rude. I ended up now telling him like ok whatever it’s fine like if we’re gaming or whatever it is cuz I do sometimes would say it back now so it doesn’t affect me as much in certain situations only.
5. ⁠I feel like whenever I tell him about my feelings and things he does to upset me, he becomes combative. It’s like he starts making all these excuses. When I told him about everything he did, he started going one for one of why he did that, not even acknowledging how I’m feeling. It’s just like going back and forth with someone who doesn’t see what they did wrong, and he even says that he doesn’t know what he did and I need to tell him. Like it’s not that hard and I’m honestly tired of explaining
6. ⁠tonight, I picked up these items from Facebook from this girl after work (11:30 pm) and she left it on her porch. I told him I’m going to be quickly picking up some stuff and he was chill about it over text and just saying oh why now? And I’m like well it’s only 7-10 min from my work and on my way back home. I shared my location with him and then he said to FaceTime him when I get there. I FaceTimed him as soon as I grabbed the bag as I just saw the message, and I let him know that I got them and I’m safe. And then he says something along the lines “so why are you FaceTiming me?” I’m like “what? U told me to” and says well u already got them so why” and was just having an attitude. And then he basically was telling me “dumbass” for going at night to grab stuff off Facebook and whatever and saying stuff like “it’s like those dumb bitches who go into the woods at 2 am and then something happens and people wonder omg why?” … I got upset after this and it made me cry because I don’t get why u have to call me these words.

And tbh, I never was treated like this by someone who supposedly likes me and see’s a future with me. It makes me upset because I want it to work and I know he’s a great guy and has a great soul underneath but there’s this part of him he seriously needs to work on or I am just being too extra/dramatic (as he says). I told him he upset me a lot tonight and just basically says “omg everything I do is bad” “you are taking it too far”….

Idk guys. I really like him and I’m supposed to meet his mom soon who really wants to meet me, I’m just getting emotionally exhausted tbh. And it’s not good for me to feel this way because I don’t want to end up fully not caring. Because that’s how it usually goes.

Cut your losses, he sounds like he still needs time to grow up and learn how to behave like an adult.

That last paragraph about says it all. You’ve asked for nothing unreasonable. And I’d argue there are concerning flags (e.g. at no point do you call your partner a bitch). You recognize the unhealthiness of it all, you should reflect on why you’re seemingly willing to bend on that reality.

You matter. You deserve respect. Relationships are not supposed to be this difficult.

He made a comment saying “this isn’t a movie” or whatever.

Does he think romance is fictional? Was he embarrassed to hug you?

I cut off my guy best friend irl and a long term gaming buddy I had for him, out of respect.

Did your boyfriend ask you to do this? A supportive partner would be happy that you have healthy platonic relationships.

he texted me saying “I can’t, I can’t, I can’t be in a relationship because I’m not emotionally mature or wtv” and this because I told him that emotional maturity is a biggest thing I look for in a relationship

It sounds like he may have been correct.

he used to joke around and call me “dumb” “bitch” or whatever (I guess not in a serious way like we’d be doing a game or whatever) and then I ended up telling him I don’t like it and I think it’s rude. I ended up now telling him like ok whatever it’s fine like if we’re gaming or whatever it is cuz I do sometimes would say it back now so it doesn’t affect me as much in certain situations only.

Sincere trash talking can be harmful. Sometimes we internalize insults. Does he ever commend or compliment you when you do well, or is it all negative?

I feel like whenever I tell him about my feelings and things he does to upset me, he becomes combative. It’s like he starts making all these excuses. When I told him about everything he did, he started going one for one of why he did that, not even acknowledging how I’m feeling.

He sounds insecure, like he's more interested in protecting himself than being mindful of your feelings. He may have legitimate reasons for acting inconsiderate (rough upbringing?), but that doesn't make the behavior any better, it still affects you negatively.

It’s just like going back and forth with someone who doesn’t see what they did wrong, and he even says that he doesn’t know what he did and I need to tell him. Like it’s not that hard and I’m honestly tired of explaining

Maybe he is not capable of seeing himself from the outside.

I shared my location with him and then he said to FaceTime him when I get there. I FaceTimed him as soon as I grabbed the bag as I just saw the message, and I let him know that I got them and I’m safe. And then he says something along the lines “so why are you FaceTiming me?” I’m like “what? U told me to” and says well u already got them so why” and was just having an attitude. And then he basically was telling me “dumbass” for going at night to grab stuff off Facebook and whatever and saying stuff like “it’s like those dumb bitches who go into the woods at 2 am and then something happens and people wonder omg why?” … I got upset after this and it made me cry because I don’t get why u have to call me these words.

Maybe he thinks he's being funny? It sounds hurtful. There is something to be said for assessing risk, but it sounds like victim-blaming, like he'd blame you if something bad happened to you.

I never was treated like this by someone who supposedly likes me and see’s a future with me. It makes me upset because I want it to work and I know he’s a great guy and has a great soul underneath but there’s this part of him he seriously needs to work on or I am just being too extra/dramatic (as he says).

It sounds like he's dismissing your feelings so that he doesn't have to change his behavior. There might be a great guy somewhere in there, but he might never come out. You don't have to subject yourself to mistreatment.

I’m just getting emotionally exhausted tbh. And it’s not good for me to feel this way because I don’t want to end up fully not caring. Because that’s how it usually goes.

I'm just some rando, but it sounds like the relationship is not sustainable in its current form. Please take care of yourself.

When someone tells you who they are, believe them.

He told you he's not emotionally mature enough for a relationship already so why don't you believe him? he's shown it to you on several occasions.

Trust me as someone 20 years older than you, and a guy, I also was not emotionally mature enough at 23 for a relationship and looking back at the woman I dated at the time it was painfully obvious why that relationship ended. Because of me. Because I wasn't mature enough yet for them. I was in a 3 year relationship with someone and I was clearly in over my head. I didn't get it. I wasn't there for her emotionally on several occasions. I spent more money buying stupid action figures or video games than I did buying her christmas or birthday presents. I was a child.

He's still a child. He won't figure things out for a few more years much like I did. It wasn't until I was in my late 20s when it finally clicked in my head and I realized I need to grow up and get my shit together. For many guys it's the same way.

Look you're 23, you're still young, you got time to settle down with someone. your 20s are arguably the best time of your life, they were mine. Hang out with friends, go to parties, get drunk, go to shows in small clubs, eat pizza at some random place at 2am with your friends, have summer flings, date around but never feel like you have to commit to anyone. Do all these things now because trust me once you hit your 30s and later things will start to feel rough (parties, drinking, going out everynight, etc) Don't make it your objective to find someone, someone will find you.

Women mature faster than we do, we all know this. So this is your time to wait for the rest of the dudes around you to grow up while you go have the time of your life. You deserve to give yourself that.

Ma'am.

This guy:

• Cuts you off from your male friends
• Calls you names
• Has no interest in listening to you when you express how he has hurt you
• Had told you he's not interested in a relationship
• Requests to have your location and have you face time him when you go out

Why are you doing this to yourself?

Look, I'm a solid 4, autistic, and was broke as hell for the vast majority of the time I was single. And still I met people who treated me with respect and genuine interest. There were lots of shitheads too of course, but consider that at this early stage THIS IS HIS BEST BEHAVIOR.

Don't try and fix partners. People won't change unless they want to. Sometimes people express a lack of interest by refusing to change their behavior at all. But you deserve to be treated with respect and care!

mind you, I cut off my guy best friend irl and a long term gaming buddy I had for him, out of respect.

What the fuck. Why would you do that? Go apologize to your former friend.

Other than that, this guy sucks. You can find better.

I suspect this is your first time falling in love. It's overwhelming and if you pick the wrong person, as you've done here, it can be confusing and draining.

Everyone reading this can see what you can't because you're in too deep. And, don't think falling in love can't happen this fast, this is how it happens--you aren't and then you are. You can know them for years, or days, and it just happens one day.

You need to break this off now. Take it from someone who has decades of experience.

I cut off my guy best friend irl and a long term gaming buddy I had for him, out of respect.

Unless the relationship was sexual at some point (I’ve got a friend with boundary issues, blamed both guys for hating each other but reality was she was fucking both so…) that’s a red flag. Relationships are built on mutual trust and respect.

You sound exactly like my daughter. I hope you make better choices than she does.

Never give up friends for someone you are dating. This guy is an asshole. You have very little time invested here. Ditch the clown and see if you can get your friends back.

Hello Miss. I'm just some average 40-something elder millennial dude, and I can only speak from my own lived experience; for context, until recently, I hadn't had a relationship last more than a year, didn't go without a relationship for longer than 6 months, with one notable exception... So I've had a lot of experience with a lot of different types of people. I dunno if that is evidence that I have experience or that I suck in relationships. My current relationship is the exception, and we've been together more than 10 years. Needless to say, I've been in dozens of bad relationships, some lasted a lot longer than they should have.

My take is: you're young. Don't undervalue that. You're eager to get on with life, find a partner, and step into what comes after.... I get it, I was the same at 23. My advice, don't be in such a hurry about it. You'll get there, you don't have to be there right now, or with this person.

Understand that relationships fail more often than they succeed. If I'm not living proof of that, I don't know what is. IMO, you need to find a way to be okay with the reality that the majority of relationships will not end in death, it will end because you gave up on them, or they gave up on you.

To build on the previous: Realize that it's okay to fail. Failing at something is the first step to getting kind of good at something. Humans, as a whole, before the advent of structured teaching, could only learn by seeing, or doing, and often with either, failing (a lot). Failing at doing anything is not a flaw in you, it's not you failing, it's the way you, and every human before you, learned. So when you lose, don't lose the lesson. Learn from those failures. You'll grow as a person, and be better for it.

That being said, personally, I've maintained a policy throughout my life, that is simply: if you give me an ultimatum, you automatically lose.
People who say that you can, or can't do something because if you do they'll leave (within reason, I'm not taking about illegal stuff here, just like, who you can be friends with...), those people suck by default. Anyone who does such things will continue to leverage that against you to control you. Unless you want every aspect of your life to be controlled by someone else, my advice is that anyone who would ask you to stop being friends with someone else, and threaten to leave if you don't, isn't someone who is your friend, and isn't someone worth knowing.

In the merit of ditching friends "out of respect" to this dude alone: run. Get as far away from this narcissistic controlling jerk as you can. It will not end with one friend here or there. You'll end up losing touch with all of your friends, family, and everyone who currently cares about you. It's not worth it. Do not let yourself be controlled like this. They will try to control your every waking moment... Not at first, but you'll wake up one day wondering why none of your friends talk to you anymore, and why you haven't heard from siblings in months or years.... And then you'll realize what I'm telling you right now: this dude is a controlling jerk that isn't worthy of your time, affection, nor intimacy. Get out.

That being said, the final decision is yours. I'd be a massive hypocrite if I said that you must do one thing or another, everything I've said is my opinion of what ought to happen next, and should not be considered to be, in any way, shape, or form, commands of what you are obligated to do. Understand that my statements come from a place of caring and concern for your mental and physical well being. I don't control you, and I wouldn't assume to have any actual sway on your decision.

If you decide to stay with him, then maybe I'm wrong and things will work themselves out. Who really knows. If I'm right, then you'll learn exactly what I'm telling you, for yourself.

From a random stranger on the Internet: Good luck, I wish you all the best.

Your intuitions are right on, super disrespectful and not how a loving partner will behave. Make up with your friends and wait to run into someone who values you and wants a real relationship with you. Don’t lower your expectations for this one.

You're young, you have a whole life ahead of you. Don't waste your time here. A real partner is your best friend, someone who understands you and respects you, someone you understand and respect back. This guy isnt it. Cutting out any friend you have for a relationship is a big big big red flag. Just move on, it will be for the better.

Women are socialized to be relationship fixers. You are told explicitly and implicitly that you need to fix problems with your friends and lovers. You are also told the same way to be deferential to men in your life. This leads you sacrificing things you value (like your friends) to keep this man happy and keep the relationship alive. You are both young and learning what a real romantic relationship is like. This is not a good relationship and needs to be ended by you. You and him are learning what behaviors are acceptable and for to communicate how feeling. You might think it harsh and cruel (something a good women should never be) to end this but you are making him a better person. By losing you he learns this isn't how you treat someone. You might be afraid that breaking up is a failure. But every relations will fail until one doesn't. Also just because the relationship ends doesn't mean it's a failure if you learn something. You got this gurl. Be strong and find someone else.

Note: this is pretty gendered but the dynamic is the same with the genders reversed and / or switched. This is a pretty typical problem which means you are right on track

Well me and these 2 guys, one I was in a sexual relationship with for a few years and the one online we’ve exchanged photos, I know it’s silly, but I thought it’s right to not have / talk with people I’ve been sexual with when I’m with someone

I’m not sure why he didn’t hug me that day, but since then we never really left off without a hug. And most of the time I was initiating but then he started too. And with the guy best friends I was sexual with them in the past which is why but it did hurt a lot to cut them off and I’m probably going to reach out again. Yup, I just couldn’t stand him calling me names and last night was the final straw, it’s like he just wanted me to start hating what he does and leave. And what could’ve been a kind simple apology last night turned into hours of arguing because his ego is simply so high that he so called apologized, then turned it around on me and called me rude and then wanted me to apologize before he answers the options I gave him (I’m stupid for this but I gave him 2 options, one is to recognize his actions move forward and that this will be my final straw tolerating disrespect and we can try again, or 2, call it off completely or maybe just become friends), and his ego was so high that he couldn’t even give me an answer when I asked so much times. Pathetic.

Depends on what your new partner is secure or insecure about. Many won't care. But its better to ask than to cut people out on assumption

but I thought it’s right to not have / talk with people I’ve been sexual with when I’m with someone

This is unhealthy.

I'm still very good friends with two former partners. They've met each other and my current partner. They all get along.

Jealousy is a natural part of the human experience, but there are healthy and unhealthy ways of dealing with it. If someone said to me "I don't want you to hang out with your former partners" that's a huge red flag and siren. Do they not trust me? What else are they going to try to control?

If your partner is so insecure as to ask you to cut a good friend out of your life, then you need to not waste your time with that partner. That's unhealthy and dangerous behavior

This is something you'd want to discuss with the guy you're interested in, so you're both making decisions from the same underlying expectations. It sounds like you assumed it was a problem, which may still be a reasonable perspective, but that's why you discuss it with him first before cutting out two good friends who would be there to support you if this went sideways.

Wishing you the best going forward - these things can be tricky and it can be uncomfortable having these conversations.

Girl, please dump this guy. This is not normal or healthy behavior, he's treating you like shit and then getting upset at you for feeling bad. He is pretty clearly showing that he does not care about you.

Take this from a gay guy with both a bf and many straight male friends, there are better guys out there. Don't settle for someone who treats you like this.

People can make a relationship work based on cooperation. If one partner has baggage from a former cheater and they say hey I'd prefer you didn't hang out with your former sex partner it makes me uncomfortable, its then up to the other partner if their partner's request can be accomodated or if its a deal breaker.
Its not all black and white