meowmeow normally i dont share my thoughts much but i had my 2 year anniversary of starting hrt yesterday, and i have had thoughts in my head that i figure maybe are worth sharing. keep in mind this will cover some heavy subject matter like homelessness and dysphoria and people being generally unkind.

anywhooo, down to the meows and mrows of the whole thing. i have always been pretty fucking autistic, and eye contact is something that has always fascinated me, i used to really hate it. on top of the autism i have like, really strong eyes, i was tested at higher than average vision, and can see much farther than an average kitty. that comes with downsides tho, i have always had to wear sunglasses outside, honestly i dont really mind for the most part, except when i lose them and everything is so bright i get migraines. although it did give me one ability most didnt, i could look wherever i wanted and observe people without them really noticing.

it became a fun game for me to people watch, i wanted to try and understand what they were thinking, see if i could relate to what i thought might be going on in their heads. one of the things that is a dead giveaway of what your thinking is what you are focused on/looking at.

when i decided to leave home, i was on the streets for years, the way people looked at me changed. it was easy to notice, they didnt want to look at you but couldnt help it, or they would just stare at you with hatred, or would do their best to avoid your gaze whatsoever. i got pretty used to people looking right past me, not pretending to not even see me.

after a while i managed to get housed up, and i could wear clean clothes and not carry everything i owned on my back, nobody could tell who i was anymore, they didnt care. the eyes didnt look past me in that same way, they just kinda were focused on other things, instead of focusing on trying to avoid my gaze. some people were even nice to me, and not in the "oh lets take pity on them" kind of way, just in a casual way that i would only ever get from other homeless people back then.

then i realized i was trans, and once i had accepted that i pretty quickly warmed up to the idea of transition. while i tried to get hrt through the medical system (they just fucked me around for months delaying the process, another story tho) but in the meantime i went full in on social transition, shedding my boymode clothes and decided to be fem as much as possible. once again the eyes and the stares changed.

this time, people could not help but to stare, although they did not want you to know that, or to admit it to themselves really. it was different than anything i had ever experienced, for the first time people seemed to want to look at me, even if it was out of perverse fascination, disgust, silent approval, or simple confusion.

now its been a few years, at this point people dont seem to notice me all that much, yeah sure i get stares, but it seems to be stares of mostly men (fucking hate this btw). although one thing i notice is that women no longer avoid my gaze, they will even say hi first when passing by. its a bit strange, after all these years of people noticing me in so many different ways. the constant thoughts i had about all of them staring, it kinda just feels like it dosent matter much anymore. it finally feels right, im not some freak im not something to be dismissed, i just exist finally, im just here, and so is everybody else.

anyways yall, i think that the most important thing to take away from this is that you never know what others are thinking, so its best to speak your mind, i have been trying to give more compliments, or simply call out weirdness when i see it, i no longer want to be another person who just stares, i want to give people something to actually look at, even if they only look at me in a "normal" way. im here, i exist, im real, i demand attention, give me headpats.

i just noticed the typo in the title but im keeping it cause its funny :3

Can't bear to read the heavy stuff butt
happy hrt-anniversary!
*we pull up jar from pocket labeled "estrogen powder", put powder on paws, and offer estrogen-laced pats to adora!

pat pat pat patt
we cough
pat pet pat pat

Please read our pronouns before addressing us

I read the title and felt it was very poetic somehow. Thanks for sharing

meowmeow patpatpat

well-written