Some days, i feel happy, and other days i feel completely lost. I miss the bubbly innocent version of myself who could enjoy little things without overthinking everything. This breakup has changed me in ways I never expected. I don't understand why I struggle to feel genuinely happy why crowded places make me anxious or why I sometimes feel like I'll never heal from this. Is it normal to feel this way after a painful breakup.

P.s.- emotional cheating basically led to our breakup and my low self esteem is making it harder to let go of the ideal version of him i had in my mind before i found out about everything.

Today is 38th day of no contact

Yes you will. Also you won't notice you have changed like we all see ourselves at 9 the same as 16. You can claim happiness and grow, hell a child rapist can be in the highest position in the world, so no matter what mistake you made you can make a recovery. If you need to yap blow up my inbox and I'll do my best to always give an ear if you don't have one. If you have someone else I'd advise using it, talking to someone and being honest may help you out of feeling "lost". Your best friend you haven't talked to in a couple years, they probably still care about you and they might be that shoulder. If you don't know any or what not, just ping me and I promise I'll read it and do what I can. But I'm just another lost soul hoping we all help each other and do it well

Thank you, honestly. it means a lot that you're willing to listen without judging me. i'm still trying to figure things out and find myself again, but having someone remind me that i'll be okay someday really helps.

You're fine, do you want to talk about what your worried about, or just know others care. Promise you others out there will always care, because there are fools like me who care about everyone, lol. If you want to say more here go ahead, if it's to personal like I said just ping me, or just talk broadly about how you can identify the friend you may already have that you are forgetting

yeah, i’ve dm’d you. we can talk there.

You're not trying to get your old self back. You're trying to get back to the version of you who didn't know yet.

Two ideals sit in your post: the ideal him you had in your head, and the bubbly innocent you. Same construction. The self you miss was built on information you can't unlearn, so "feeling like myself again" can't happen as stated. Not because you're broken. Because that self stood on a floor you now know has a hole in it.

Day 38 hurts like this for a reason that isn't him. Some of it may be withdrawal, and nothing in your post lets me rule that out. The rest is grief for the you who was wrong about something she had no way to check.

What's left to build is a self that knows. Less bubbly, less innocent, harder to fool. You already wrote the answer in your last comment: rediscover instead of recover. Keep that sentence. It's yours.