Completely flat water, all sails furled, captain and first officer without uniform rank distinctions hanging midships looking at the quarterdeck, one single sailor...

Hit it Elwood

From the old Rom-posting days.

Our doctors arrrr excellent.
Eye-patches not required.

You say you're nasty pirates

Scheming, thieving, bad bushwhackers?

From what I've seen, I tell you

You're not pirates! You're just slackers!

Sir, this is a wedding.

Oh am I marrying 1990s Riker? Yeah ok I'm in.

Who isn't

and hear the lamentation of their women
(and maybe driving carousel weeeeeeee)

No bidet and a bunch of sweaty dudes that smell more and more like dried festering old fecal matter

Picard didn't need to say it, it was in the look he gave Riker.

Here is a fun fact: To clean themselves after taking a dump, sailors would use something like a brush, old sail canvas or maybe old rope, that has been hanging overboard in the water - So something like a communal and intensively reused wet wipe.

So like a rag on a rope that they tow under water?

... I am unsure if that is better than nothing hahaha

Yepp. Sometimes the Canvas was also tarred to make it more durable, but.. well if you have touched sail canvas just imagine this but covered in tar to wipe your behind

:c