So, I feel like I'm kind of at a huge disadvantage right now when it comes to being a healthy adult, because my experience with transness and neurodivergence has made it essentially impossible to form normal friendships my entire life.

This isn't to vent or anything, that really is just the reality of the situation, and I'm at terms with that. I don't really know what to do about it though, and I feel like I can't be healthy until I find other trans women who I know just gets it. Thing is, I really don't live somewhere with a ton of trans women around, and I don't know if it is appropriate to just expect ones I meet to be friends with me.

I can't imagine I'm that alone in this dilema -- not that I'm glad about that -- and so ** I'm wondering if anyone has developed any tips that would be of benefit to any of us?**

for those who'd like to know what I've tried so far:

Not that I don't try, but so much of my energy is just spent on being out of the house. So far, I'm finding intentional self-grace to be a genuine benefit if I get used to the vulnerability of it (I'm sure you all know this is no small feat). I haven't really gotten so far as making friends this way, but I have gotten farther than probably any other point of my life.

Oh, I also wonder if this will resonate with anyone: is it weird that I am concerned about whether people are attracted to me just because I'm not used to even believing that is a potential thing to be conscious of in an interaction? I feel kind of gross asking myself that, but I seriously don't know if it would even be irresponsible to not be considerate of that kind of power dynamic.

I want to point out too, I am glad to worry about these things. These are problems that I am more than happy to deal with if it means being genuinely me.

Edit: Thank you all for your answers, it has been very interesting to see how people responded to this question. I want to emphasize here that it was actually my trauma and neurodivergence that I am struggling with the most, which I think is also a more difficult topic to start discussions over due to the uncomfortable and inidividualized nature of those experiences. I see that most people have responded with advice on the practicality of actually going out to meet other trans women, and I think that is also very useful for myself and others who may come across this post.

I can't be healthy until I find other trans women who I know just gets it.

half of the trans women you'll meet, especially those at support groups and whatnot, all struggle with the same or similar sorts of issues. never have i seen so many autistic and/or socially awkward/outcast people in one place than trans gatherings, and it is fucking amazing.

if you can find a decent trans community event of some sort near you i can 110% recommend that you go, even if just to sit in the corner and watch the whole time. you will not regret it and you'll fit right in :)

Funny enough, all the trans people I know are in the same friend group, and we all hung out before 3 of us (at least) even realized we were trans. 😆 We attract our own

Dunno really, started collecting little groups of them like pokemon.

• One of my best friends (transfem) I only met (before my medical or social transition) because of random chance, a childhood friend's birthday meal and my mother's diabetic cat.
• My "unhinged transfem" irl group is just some like minded trans women from the local lgbt community
• Not close friends, but, as mentioned above, the local lgbt community and in particular the trans socials they run
• Somebody from the Blahaj matrix space who lives pretty close and her friends (we met up again last weekend 🥰)
• People from my CFT (therapy) group, particularly close to one of them but it was a group of 10 trans people of all flavours
• "Dating" 😈, apps. Some relationships didnt develop as initially intended but ive remained friends with them

I guess its just a case of finding local groups and communities, being a bit out there and social and willing to put in the effort to create and maintain these friendships. I don't really think too hard on it, some I don't fully click with, some are definitely a different type of vibe than others etc. Theres no real right answer I guess...

You make a bunch of friends, drift away and check back in 5 years later and find out half of them are women now.

I'll let you know if I ever befriend one 😭

Im in the same boat. I want to make some friends, but im fully boymode right now, and for the foreseeable future. I want to meet more transfemmes, but im middle aged and tired all the time. Socializing requires going out, and that's expensive.

I tried transcenance for my area, but i didnt feel like i fit with that group. You might have better luck if you arent already familiar.

I’m not sure. I met one on bumble years ago. She’s one of my best friends now. I tried a discord server a while ago and I’m pretty sure she was trying to sleep with me.

My only other trans woman friend is my wife.

We’re both talking about getting out more and being social. Just waiting for this stupid election to be over.

Also it resonates, I feel more comfortable with someone who I have shared experiences with.

so what has worked really well for me is just being around other trans fems as much as i can. to start you could go to trans fem specific social stuff if you can find it. its best if its stuff that happens regularly, but going to everything you can is good either way. theres so few of us youll pretty quickly start running into people youve met before, even if you live in a big city with lots of us. more general queer events are also good, there will just be a lot more than just trans fems. once youre there just be open to talking with people and be yourself.

i spent a really long time with no friends as an adult so i had to relearn how to make friends this past year after starting transitioning. my general advice is that making friends is about spending time with people and figuring out who you want to spend more time with, then giving them the opportunity to spend more time with you. going to trans fem and queer events gets you spending time with people in a low stakes environment where you can get to know them without having to commit to one on one time or the effort of scheduling time with someone. if you vibe with someone you could offer them some means of contacting you, or just wait and see if you run into each other again. once you have some way of communicating you could invite them to other events youre planning to go to or would like to go to, or to do an activity together, or whatever. its ok if not everyone likes you, someone wont no matter what you do, so try to be your real self to some extent and see who you vibe with. there will be people who vibe with you as long as youre being genuine.

you can do it. i know because i did it and i was literally terrible at making friends before. good luck 😊

Well, I started off by joining a Discord server with trans women in my area, and just connected digitally for awhile. Then I planned a little meetup with 5 other girls in the server when I went up to visit Seattle. This was a great way to just get to meet and talk to other trans women. I was invited to a private Signal group chat afterwards full of trans women (mostly in Seattle). I was informed of a weekly event where 2 bars in the area host a dolls night, where they're both full of trans women. Eventually I managed to convince myself to go to one, and I met my current girlfriend at that very first time I went. We've gone together many times since, and I've met all sorts of trans women (and had lots of fun with them)! I also attend a trans event that happens every other week at a different bar that's a lot more chill (and a little less horny), and I meet a whole bunch of people there, too! I now have lots of trans friends, and am frequently out among my people. In fact, I spend roughly half my time in Seattle (with my girlfriend) nowadays despite living 40 miles away. Just existing in a city with lots of other trans folks is such an amazing feeling.

Granted, events like this will be location specific. But the best thing I can recommend is to find a recurring trans event, and start going to them regularly. It's worth a long drive if you can't find one super close.

I went to computer science, so they just popped around me as it went :p

There is a transfem dinner with like a 100 women every month in my city. I go there, talk to people, invariably find train or code nerds. Then end up having a catgirl on my laps purring while my neighbours pet her head.

I have just been horny on trans discord server (in the appropriate channels) and then end up chatting with peeps and then end up meeting some irl, boom, friends :3

you in zurich? i assume you are referring to transfem dinner at streiki

if so you should check out uwu-space, the vibe is a lot like tfd but with less eating and more meowing

I am haha. Thanks for the recommendation mew

Yeah but it's like once a month and feel so isolated in the meantime

Try to ask people if they are in a discord server or matrix or signal group chat etc and try to join that. Maybe they have casual meet-ups in between the big event. It may take asking a few people but then you'd be more connected to your community.

Holy shit how did I not know about either of these???

join usssss :)

i am pretty regularly at both of them so feel free to say hi!

also if you're studying at any uni in zurich you should check out PolyUniQue :)

There are more girls who graduate from computer science than girls who enrolled in computer science after all.

I probably will (puq I already knew but still thank uuu :3)

Have you tried helping your friends realise they are trans? This worked for me

I joined a dnd community recently because they had "no bigotry" as a hard rule and afterwards realized a lot of other girls did the same.

Tho starting conversations is still hard for me. Do I meow? Would they be offended by that?

Not trans but I know a lot of transfems because I used to run a weekly video game tournament. There have been several trans people in that community over the years and many of them have made a lot of friends there.

I'm also in a friend group centered around riding bikes and there is decent trans representation there as well. It's not as dense as in the tournament scene but they're around.

I guess what I'm saying is, if you have a hobby, find a local meetup for that hobby. If the group is inclusive and respectful, you might meet some people. Also, if you play super smash bros, that's like a cheat code.

Is one of those bars named after a mythical creature

No, but it's right down the street (I assume ur talking abt Unicorn?). They're all clustered there in Cap Hill. The ones hosting doll's night are Time Warp (not a gay bar on any other day) and Pony (very much a gay bar)

This is unfortunately not much of an option for me, I'm not really into video games and my hobbies are largely solitary by nature. I also don't live in a place where hobby meetups are really an open thing since the population is so low. I agree though, this is a common way for people to meet up.

I do feel like it'd be substantially easier to meet other trans women if you live in a place where a hundred could meet up every month. Zurich is about twice the size of the city I live outside of, lol.

Yeah see that's kind of the situation I'm struggling with. Even though I have a shared experience with many queer people, I'm pretty disconnected from popular culture; that seems to be a pretty big unifying factor given how sparse the population can be. I wouldn't be offended by someone meowing, but I certainly don't relate on the inclination or understand many of the references it makes.

I do notice this especially on Lemmy or other fediverse instances, probably also because they're so STEM populated. I'm unfortunately not in STEM.

As per post, I don't really have friends, lol. Many people answered this with discussions on where to meet trans women, but yeah my bigger obstacle is my general trauma with friendship and neurodivergence.

I'm glad to see something like this in the discussion here. I wouldn't find it surprising if that's the case, there's a trauma element even in just being trans in this culture, and of the few trans women I've been able to meet, maybe about half have been neurodivergent in some way. I didn't mention it in the post, but there's also an apparently unusual factor where I am that there are actually far more trans men active in the queer community than trans women. I get along great with trans men, and I see that they deal with their own unique issues, but yeah it's tough to find a trans community event around here that is predominantly or exclusively trans femme.

Yeahhh I don't know if I feel comfortable doing that, lol. Doesn't help that I'm a lot older than many trans women I see online, so I wouldn't really feel right involving myself sexually with them at all.

Yeah I'm glad to see something like this here too. I'm noticing that age gaps are actually a pretty substantial barrier to making these sorts of connections even if just because most people have difficulties meeting friends after a certain age. I'm not middle-aged, but I'm older than most queer people I meet, and that isn't even counting the ageing from trauma.

Your issue is already solved. Some of us are living in conservative suburban hell.

May I ask how old are?^^

I'm definitely not comfortable sharing that online, and I don't think it's relevant to this. Discord is fairly anonymous, you could be 20 and still risk traumatizing someone underaged by forming a sexual relationship with them.