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How to Turn Envy Into Rocket Fuel for Your Ambitions: The SIRN Method
Jessica Stillman
6–8 minutes

Envy is one of the seven deadly sins, the so-called “green eyed monster.” Yet despite wise people throughout the ages warning us not to long for what other people have, successful person after successful person has credited their greatness to doing just that.

When tennis great Roger Federer retired, both he and long-time rival Rafael Nadal wept like babies. The two tennis greats understood, Federer later explained, that their envy for the other drove them to be their best selves.

Stylvester Stallone recently said the same of his epic rivalry with fellow 1980s action star Arnold Schwarzenegger. Simon Sinek confessed that whenever he heard the name of fellow best-selling author Adam Grant “a wave of envy washed over me,” but also said Grant with pushing him “in a way that few others can.”

These are the two sides of envy. The emotion can make us mean and miserable. But it can also be rocket fuel to drive your ambitions. So how do you harness the very human impulse to compare and despair towards self improvement and avoid the possible poisonous effects of envy?

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That’s the topic of Envy: Why Wanting What They Have is the Key to Getting What You Want, a new book by social scientist and career coach Stacy Kim. On the HBR IdeaCast recently Kim broke down her approach to ensuring envy makes us better, not bitter.
The wrong way to deal with envy

Given envy’s long-standing reputation as a corrupting sin, it’s understandable if your first instinct, when you start desiring what someone else has, is to try to push that feeling away. That’s natural, Kim warns, but it doesn’t work.

One, because humans are social animals who are hardwired to be exquisitely sensitive to fine gradations of success and status.

“People will say comparison is a thief of joy. I don’t think that that’s all that helpful because we can’t help but compare,” Kim insists. “Even as children, comparison helps us figure out how to join a group, how to stay in a group and how to behave in that group and how to not get kicked out of that group…. we learn more about ourselves through those comparisons.”

Another natural reaction is to let your envy for another person curdle into ill feelings towards the individual, or towards yourself. You want to take them down a peg or start to feel unworthy or lacking yourself.

Clearly, these types of feelings do not bring out the best in anyone. (Thus the centuries of warnings against envy and Stallone’s regrets over the nasty behavior his envy drove him to.) These kinds of emotions are why most of us view envy in purely negative terms.
Envy as alarm bell: the SIRN Method

Instead of unproductively stewing in envy, lashing out, or trying to pretend it doesn’t exist, Kim instead suggests you instead view envy as an alarm bell alerting you to something urgent that you should be doing.

In a nod to the metaphor, she developed the acronym ‘SIRN’ (pronounced siren) to guide people through the process of acknowledging and understanding their envy:

Similar target. The sharpest forms of envy are for people who are just a little ahead of us. I may daydream about Jeff Bezos’ wealth but I don’t really envy him the way I do more successful writers.. He’s way too far ahead of me for that. Recognizing this feature of envy is the first step in turning it into motivation. “If they’re similar to you,” Kim points out, “ what you want is actually within your reach, right?” 
Intangible desire. Often we think we envy something tangible — a person’s bank account, job title, or fancy car — but usually underneath that desire for stuff is a desire for a particular feeling. Step two is identifying that deeper layer of your envy. “Getting a promotion might mean to you that you’ll feel more financially secure, and that’s the intangible that you want,” Kim offers as an example. 
Relevant comparison. My best friend is a phenomenal singer, a real karaoke superstar. She’s close to me and ahead of me in ability, but I don’t envy her. Why? I personally don’t really care about musical ability. Envy “shows you what domain is important to you,” Kim stresses, helping you identify what you really care about in life. 
Negative emotion. Once you’ve acknowledged that your envy is pointing to something you can and really want to do, the finalI step in the process is gauging the strength of that desire. “The more envy you feel, the more negativity you feel, the more you can’t shake off the feeling of envy, the more important this is to you and the more you want to pay attention to it,” Kim explains. 

All that’s left to do is act

Follow the steps of Kim’s SIRN method and you should have a pretty good sense of what your envy is trying to tell you about your values and desires. Now all you have to do is act on that knowledge.

“I want you to find the smallest step you can take, and rather than focusing on outcomes or that envy goal that you aspire to, think about what is the activity? What is the smallest micro action that I can take that can move me a little closer? And then think about, ‘Oh, how can I start that this week?’” she instructs.

Many times the obvious first step will be to closely observe the person you’re envious of. What process or actions got them where they are? Maybe you can ask to shadow that professional you admire. If the target of your envy seems open and generous, you could even come straight out and say, “I admire you. How do you do X, Y, and Z?” Everyone loves a compliment.
Handle with care

The key is to accept that envy is a natural part of being human. But not a reason to dislike yourself or anyone else. The emotion can be dangerous if mishandled, but it also brings with it a load of valuable information. Envy tells you what you think is possible, what you truly care about, and makes it impossible to ignore what you really want to do in life.

Listeninging won’t always be pleasant. But what you learn is a gift that can drive you towards greater accomplishment. And even more importantly eventually towards a greater self knowledge and peace too.

The opinions expressed here by Inc.com columnists are their own, not those of Inc.com.

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