Link: https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1rcgb9d/my_22f_former_roommate_30m_is_freaking_me_out/

This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2026-02-23 12:37:59+00:00.

I am not The OOP, OOP is u/crazyexroommate66

My [22F] former roommate [30M] is freaking me out, what should I do?

TRIGGER WARNING: Verbal abuse, intimidation, threats, extreme hostile behavior, substance abuse

Original Post Apr 23, 2018

Hi,

I'm fudging details for anonymity's sake, but the gist of the story is the same. I'm sorry it's so long; this has been building up for some time.

So I used to live in a house with 5 other people, including John and David. I started dating David sometime last year, and subsequently moved out to make our relationship more normal.

Around the time David and I started getting close, John started to become more hostile towards me. I believe that John also has an unhealthy relationship with alcohol, and after I made some scathing remarks about drunk drivers (I've lost property and friends due to drunk driving, and I stand by my comments), I think his antipathy towards me deepened. He started making awkward comments about me and David before we officially "came out" about our relationship (e.g. "how was your weekend? bet it was... intimate". Just really weird stuff).

This all came to a head when the house went on a wine tasting trip at the end of last summer, everyone got trashed (except me and one other girl, as we was were driving), and John absolutely BLEW UP in the parking lot in front of everyone (not just the rest of the house, but also random passersby who were very bemused). Yelling, SCREAMING at me and David (mostly me), saying that I was intolerable, that he was intensely uncomfortable whenever he was in the room with the two of us, that he couldn't take it anymore and that our (my and David's) relationship was all he thought and talked about to anyone. He insisted that everyone in the house felt as he did, and that he had been talking to his coworkers about us (he doesn't have many friends) and that everyone agreed. He insisted that we ask the others in the house, as they would agree (they were all shifting uncomfortably during this conversation, as normal people would). I was a little afraid that he would lash out further, and David later told me that he thought that John would hit him. John then flipped me off like 500 times, saying "fuck you".

Naturally, David and I were like.. wtf... and we all left him at the wine tasting place (his parents live nearby and we had driven his car up) and drove home together because it was so awkward. After talking to other members of the house, it turned out that they had absolutely no problem with David and me hanging out together, and we suspect that everything else he said was also BS.

Fast-forward about a week of me studiously avoiding him. He texts me asking when I'm free so that he can apologize, but I ignore it because it's not my problem. He later corners (literally -- I was standing with my back against the wall and he was standing above me on the stairs, it was such a power play, ugh) me to non-apologize, saying that he was drunk and has been stressed out with work lately. He assures me that he's seeing a therapist, which, whatever.

OK. So fast-forward a few months. Tensions ease up between us, we can tolerate being in the same room together and even occasionally interact in a neutral manner. I mostly ignore him, though.

I then announce that I'm moving out, and tensions worsen. He can no longer tolerate being in the same room as me (as in, my presence seemed to literally repel him -- if I walked into a room and stayed for more than 5 seconds, he would leave). I once tried to point out to him that his phone flashlight is on in his pocket, and he snapped at me ("I KNOW!!!"). I also snapped a little (after 5 months of this bullshit, I felt it was all right, though I do know it's petty) and told him to calm the fuck down, after which he said "NEVER TALK TO ME AGAIN." I was like "OK." So I haven't since.

Now it's been about 2 months since I've moved out, and David and I are still dating. I spent the weekend at the house because David and I went to the beach on Saturday and they had a Westworld viewing party on Sunday. I had a good time hanging out with the house -- I'm still friends with everyone there (except John), and I've even gotten to know the new girl who replaced me (she's nice). The other people in the house seem to like me, and David agrees. However, John still exhibited the same weird behavior of not being able to tolerate being in the same room as me, and even escalated it slightly:

• I was standing in the kitchen talking with another housemate. John walked through the kitchen, greeted the other housemate, and then retired to his room. We continue chatting, when we hear a "FUCK OFF" come from John's bedroom. I'm like... was that directed at me... wtf.
• He was uptight the whole time I was there, not even being able to fully relax. The new girl was like "Are you ok?" to him and he just shook his head, looked at me, and exhaled loudly.
• He was constantly exhaling loudly, as if my existence physically pained him.
• I greeted another housemate with some enthusiasm (due to conflicting schedules, we hadn't seen each other for a while) and he muttered under his breath "get the fuck out of here" and left.

It's just so bizarre and not behavior anyone would expect from a 30-year-old man. He's much bigger and stronger than I am, so I'm afraid that if I confront him, he might actually hurt me. David doesn't want to escalate things because he likes the house and doesn't want to move (I think he may underestimate the gravity of the situation, but am I overestimating it?), but I'm afraid that this situation may become untenable. I want to keep visiting the house as I have friends there, but John is starting to scare me. Should I contact the landlord? Sit down with John (and David) and talk about it?

TL;DR: My existence seems to physically pain my former roommate (my boyfriend's current roommate), and I'm afraid he'll lash out in anger and hurt me/us one day.

RELEVANT COMMENTS

[deleted]

Sounds like the guy liked you maybe and then totally had a complete meltdown. Stop going over to that house . You’re bf has a choice to move or stay but either way I would not go over there and if it’s a deal breaker for your relationship then sorry that sucks but your safety is more important. Has your bf ever talked to him? Why’s he let that happen?

OOP

Oh god, this seems to be the consensus of the thread. I really don't like the idea of that, but you're all probably right. :/

I've talked to my BF before about this, but I think it was poor communication on my part, that I constantly downplayed how nervous this really made me feel. I've talked to him now and I think he understands. He'll be coming over to my place more now, and I'll only be going over there for large gatherings where I will definitely not be alone with this dude.

~

wellsaredeepsubjects

Hoo boy. Dude has so many issues he could open a magazine stand. Out of curiosity, how does he fit in with the rest of the crew? Similar in ages, job/earning ability, life accomplishments, etc.? I am asking because people should be starting to hit their stride by 30, but here he is, aggressive, drinking himself stupid, living in a houseshare with several other roommates.... It's like he's a few years behind, making the sort of stupid mistakes a guy makes in his early twenties, but not learning from him. This guy's life is slipping away from him and it is pissing him off. And you're his scapegoat. Lucky, lucky you. What triggered it? Who knows, maybe he had feelings for you, or for David, or he was jealous of you two having a functional relationship (no sign of a GF for him, huh?), or he resented being called out on his irresponsible drinking.

So he is scary and drunk and petulantly aggressive. You can let that stop you from going over to visit your BF and friends. Maybe that's what will help them grow the will to kick him out? Probably not. They seem quite passive and maybe also scared of him. So you can either stay away and miss your friends or go over. But do not ever allow yourself to be alone with him. No accidental hallway meetings, e.g. Get David to help you out. See if you can enlist one or more of the other roommates to act as escorts too. Hopefully John will either doing something stupid in front of others, forcing them to confront how awful he is and give him the boot, or John will quit the house on his own accord in a fit of pique. One caveat. If you have any sense that John is going to grow physical with you, even with an escort/bodyguard, avoid him even if it means avoiding your friends.

OOP

The house is mid-20's to 30 years old. There is one other person in the house who's 30, but he is a recent immigrant so still getting on his feet in this country. However, rent prices in this area are insane, so it's not uncommon to have roommates into your late 20's. I do agree that he is unstable, though.

"They seem quite passive and maybe also scared of him."

I think this is exactly right. I think I have managed to piss him off by being a little more outspoken than the others. Yay.

"But do not ever allo...

Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1rcgb9d/my_22f_former_roommate_30m_is_freaking_me_out/

OOP

The house is mid-20's to 30 years old. There is one other person in the house who's 30, but he is a recent immigrant so still getting on his feet in this country. However, rent prices in this area are insane, so it's not uncommon to have roommates into your late 20's. I do agree that he is unstable, though.

"They seem quite passive and maybe also scared of him."

I think this is exactly right. I think I have managed to piss him off by being a little more outspoken than the others. Yay.

"But do not ever allow yourself to be alone with him. No accidental hallway meetings, e.g. Get David to help you out. See if you can enlist one or more of the other roommates to act as escorts too."

I will make more of an effort to do this from now on. David has already told me to stay in his room while he fetches food for us because he is nervous about me being alone with him. I will try to comply.

"One caveat. If you have any sense that John is going to grow physical with you, even with an escort/bodyguard, avoid him even if it means avoiding your friends."

I don't think it's reached that point, but I will certainly do this if it comes to that...

Thanks so much for your detailed response!

[deleted]

Is he physically imposing? Why is everyone letting him get away with this? Why is your boyfriend letting him get away with this? He's been throwing around fighting words with no consequences.

Update Aug 12, 2020 (little over 2 years later)

No one asked for an update, but I thought I'd provide a short one.

Shortly after this post, David and I had a sit-down talk in which I said I was no longer comfortable going over to his place. I showed him this post and how he was getting roasted in the comments. He agreed and started coming over to my place more. However, this became more lax with time and laziness and he started asking me to come over to his house, which I hesitatingly did. Basically, it backslid into how things were before, and he made no real effort to change anything. At no point did David consider moving out, and as far as I know, they're still roommates.

It's been a while now, so I honestly can't remember if John ever made an attempt at making an apology, but at any rate he never made an apology I deemed to be genuine and he always made me uneasy. No more serious incidents occurred. John never touched me physically. For this, I feel exceedingly fortunate.

A few months after I made that post, I started wanting to move away for various reasons (mostly wanting a change of scenery and culture), and I realized that I didn't consider my relationship valuable enough to make me want to stay. That was over a year ago.

We broke up, I moved away, and in quarantine I've reconsidered my sexuality and am now dating a lovely, thoughtful, and supportive woman. My life is much better now and I see that that I was allowing myself to be treated in a very horrible and toxic way. I also see that everyone in that house was -- in a way -- gaslighting me into thinking that John's abuse wasn't so bad in an effort to not "rock the boat". No one, at any point, made any effort to stand up for me, including my supposed romantic partner (which, honestly, now disgusts me). I'm not in touch with anyone from that circle anymore and honestly, good riddance. I'm so relieved that I never have to see any of them again.

Anyway, despite being in lockdown and living in a deep, existential anxiety, I'm very happy and life is drama-free (aside from the fact that I still have to come out to my family, lol). Thanks everyone for pushing me in the right direction.

TL;DR: I never have to see John again in my entire life. David and I broke up. I moved away and cut off contact with everyone. Also, turns out I'm gay. Life is good now.

EDIT: I was not expecting this to blow up in the way that it has. "David", I know you have a reddit account, and if you're seeing this, I hope you're doing well. "John" is hella toxic. Good luck with everything.

EDIT 2: Seriously, this response is overwhelming. Thank you all so much for your support and well-wishes. I hope all of my future coming-outs go this well. <3

FINAL COMMENTS

lol1015

so what WAS John's deal? was he gay and in love with David?

OOP

I have no idea. We never had a real conversation about it. A lot of people in the old thread seemed to think he was interested in me, which is plausible. I think it may have been a combination of that and him abusing both alcohol and weed.

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7