This is an automated archive made by the Lemmit Bot.

The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Direct-Caterpillar77 on 2026-02-24 05:02:02+00:00.

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I am not The OOP, OOP is u/mesunflower1997

AITBF for “telling my bf how to cook his food”?

Originally posted to r/AmItheButtface

Thanks to u/soayherder & u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

TRIGGER WARNING: Abusive behavior, manipulation, gaslighting

Original Post Feb 11, 2026

To me, this issue is absolutely ridiculous. But I’m here to see if I’m the issue. My bf and I have been having issues and I’m cognizant that I am part of the issues, but I can’t always recognize when exactly, so I genuinely want advice. But please don’t be rude about me or my bf. We’re people, not monsters.

We went to the store earlier and he (28m) got one of his favorite frozen meals. I (28F) said on the way home (and this is a DIRECT QUOTE) “hey can you please use the oven for that when you cook it? It makes everything else we microwave smell like it for months afterwards if you use the microwave.” I HATE this meal. I cannot stand it. I have autism and the smell and taste are absolutely disgusting. It is my “oh no, someone microwaved rotten fish in the break room” food.

He instantly went silent. When we got home he put the meal in the freezer and bathed without a word. I asked him if he wanted me to make it for him. He whispered the word no without looking at me. I asked what he wanted to eat. He didn’t answer. I said his name twice because I thought he didn’t hear me. The third time I knew he did. I asked him what was wrong four times and he kept saying “nothing”. I said “this is your last chance to tell me what’s wrong, otherwise I’m moving on.” He said he was upset that I told him HOW to cook his food and that it didn’t taste right from the oven.

I completely understand that. Skillet salmon is superior to baked salmon. Air fried chicken nuggets are better than oven baked or microwaved chicken nuggets. I told him “okay, that’s fine, you can use the microwave if it tastes better that way, just wipe the microwave out with a Clorox wipe”. He said it didn’t matter and his appetite was gone. He walked past me without looking at me, shut the bedroom door, and went to bed hungry.

Idk who else can tell, but the “this is your last chance to tell me what’s wrong” is from literal years of him doing this exact thing, refusing to talk about it, and then making it my problem in arguments later on. I’m so tired of the pouting, and now I feel awful. I feel like I can’t ask for simple things otherwise I’m treated like I’m controlling, bitchy, self-centered, and abusive. He has used all of those terms to describe me except abusive, but we all know that the other three in tandem often mean abuse is involved. I don’t want to be a bad person, especially to him, and I thought this was a reasonable ask and reasonable options for compromise.

Please give me some insight. AITBF for “telling my bf how to cook his food”??

RELEVANT COMMENTS

pixiefolk

NTB. My lord. I similarly have an enjoyed meal that my partner hates the smell of and when he politely asked I not microwave it my response was "of course, you should've said sooner!" like a reasonable person.

But the real problem here is the silent treatment, strop, and lack of well-meaning communication. It sounds like you're already aware of this - but you have much bigger problems than what goes in the microwave.

GiggleSnick

The food is a distraction. the real issue is how he handles feeling upset and pushes it back on you instead of dealing with it

OOP

I told him I would rather he tell me he needs a minute if he does actually need one. I know I get upset about stupid stuff but I can say “I need a second to think/calm down/have a freak out so I can then be reasonable.” He takes a minute without telling me, whispers like his heart has been shattered, and then yells when I force him to talk. It’s infuriating and disappointing and has made me cry more than once.

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BookLuvr7

NTB. You made a reasonable request as an adult. He gave you the silent treatment and pouted.

Idc if the roles were reversed or how old either of you are - he's being childish. Possibly manipulative.

Microwaved foods like that are disgusting for everyone around, and asking him to clean it up after himself is not an unreasonable request. I'd recommend wiping down again with water after the chlorox though bc microwaved chemicals aren't great either.

OOP

I told him even if he microwaves a cup of vinegar water afterwards and lets it sit, that would help too, but the smell of his food makes me gag.

BookLuvr7

How often does this happen? I hope for your sake it's not a regular thing.

OOP

The refusal to talk? All the time.

BookLuvr7

Why do you put up with someone who uses such childish, manipulative tactics/behavior?

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DazeIt420

NTBF. You didn't tell, you asked, you even said please! And you gave valuable context for your ask. A loving partner would want to make you happy and not stink up the kitchen, even if he was unaware of the smell. You even offered him an alternative after he sulked about it, but one that required a little bit of effort from him, and he didn't appreciate it at all. I don't think you did anything wrong, and I would feel annoyed that he is so unwilling to make you, his gf, happy

I presume this man has gone through school or work, surely he is capable of emotionally coping with another person asking him to change his behavior. (Although if he's uneducated and unemployed and constantly being arrested, then I think he has bigger problems.) Why can he cope with feedback from people who aren't you?

OOP

After we had a massive argument about it, he asked me if I could make it for him. At that point I lost my temper and told him that no matter who starts any issue, I’m always the one being asked to repair it by doing something for him and that I hate it and it’s not just my job to make repairs.

The question of why he can take feedback from others and not me- he can’t. I think he has rejection sensitivity disorder from how he was talked to and treated as a child. I really try my best to consider that because I know what that’s like and how it feels. I have it too. But when he gets feedback, he calls it criticism and treats it like the person is deliberately tearing apart his character, calling him stupid, and insulting him. He really needs to realize that there are several people in his life who never talk crap behind his back and want what’s best for him, but he pulls away when they try to steer him in a different direction than he’s going. There are very few people in his life that he can take feedback from without feeling utterly destroyed.

Update Feb 17, 2026

I’m cutting a lot of the arguments for character limits.

Long story short we broke up.

We had several intense arguments after I posted this, several of which were huge issues in how we wanted to live in the future (kids, house, animals, me working vs staying home for childcare, what we wanted our kids to see between us and what we didn’t want them to see, etc, and he dropped the bombshell that for months he had not wanted kids, which he knows I do, desperately). I did tell him that what he did in the previous post was stonewalling and was abusive, like several of you said.

I told him he thought about money more than love in a relationship. He agreed with me. I told him that I would rather be broke and happy than rich and miserable. I told him he acted like he hates me.

I told him I didn’t want to joke back and forth or cuss at one another with the state of our relationship, that I wanted him to be better about communicating and asking for space if that’s what he needed, and that I was tired of him acting like any varying opinion of mine was me criticizing him or whatever was going on in his head. Within an hour of me telling him that he had abusive tendencies and having that whole conversation, he was cussing at me, calling me names (he calls me a b*tch, a c*nt, PIA, etc). He claimed later that all the name calling and cussing was a joke. I reminded him I said no more jokes or cussing until we were closer again and he got mad.

He ruined Valentine’s Day by making more “jokes” at my expense (“I’m off the hook because I got you flowers, right?” “You can only have this cake if you let me film myself smashing it in your face so I can send it to my friends”, etc). I knew the second I held my ground that it was over. I texted my parents and asked them to help me get tf out.

He’s so volati...

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Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1rd6vjj/aitbf_for_telling_my_bf_how_to_cook_his_food/

He ruined Valentine’s Day by making more “jokes” at my expense (“I’m off the hook because I got you flowers, right?” “You can only have this cake if you let me film myself smashing it in your face so I can send it to my friends”, etc). I knew the second I held my ground that it was over. I texted my parents and asked them to help me get tf out.

He’s so volatile and angry that sometimes I could literally just ask him what he wants for dinner and he would yell at me as a response. If I talk, he will yell and say it’s because he’s stressed.

He’s mad I posted about this. I don’t care if he sees this update. I loved him so desperately and I tried my best to make it work. I need to focus on finding my own closure.

Hopefully this is my last and only update. Wish me luck in staying away. A habit of four and a half years is so hard to break. I wanted a life with him so badly I would’ve done anything for it. But now I have to get myself back. I’m going to therapy to see how I can improve for myself and my next partner (I know I still have work to do too), I’m going to seek out the surgery I need, I’m going to write and paint and crochet and figure out who I am again.

Please be proud of me. Please. I need someone to be proud of me.

Edit: thank you guys so much for your support and kind words!!! I have one more carload of stuff and then I can be completely done! Y’all should watch the Netflix movie Lost In Starlight. That’s what I want to emulate in my life from now on. Thank you all! You’ve given me the courage to do what I need to do!!! 🩵

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT THE OOP

DO NOT CONTACT THE OOP's OR COMMENT ON LINKED POSTS, REMEMBER - RULE 7

Never understood how ppl so unhinged they yell at your over asking them what they want to eat get to stay in relationships longer than a day