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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2026-02-24 05:02:05+00:00.

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I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/ThrowRA_948474

Originally posted to r/relationship_advice

Do I (50m) allow family that kicked me out at 18 back into my life, wife (48f) thinks I should

Thanks to u/aaryanhere for the suggestion!

Trigger Warnings: emotional abuse and manipulation, child neglect and abandonment, favoritism, health issues

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Original Post: January 14, 2024

Holy cow, never in my dreams would I have thought that I would be the guy posted on reddit asking for advice. I normally tend to lurk and offer occasional advice. But this one, this one might need a external opinions from. (Sorry if a bit too long)

So little back story. I'm a twin and when I was born, I hadn't developed my lungs fully, so had to stay in the hospital for quite a while. Due to this, I had a lot of developmental and emotional issues. (Dyslexia and anger issues)

Now I don't know if this is the reason, but I believe so, that because of these issues, I was treated poorly by my family. Like I was somehow a burden on them. Not to say they were abusive, but the neglect I received was a lot.

For an example, on our birthdays, I would ask for something, and my brother would get it instead. One year asked for a boom box, not a big one but a smaller one (they were all the hit in the 80s) instead my brother got it.

Christmas came around, asked for a remote controlled car, brother got one, I was told due to funds had to wait til after first of the year. Never happened, so basically got nothing but clothes for Christmas. While my twin got toys.

I tried for years to show I was as good as my brother. (He was always good at school, while I of course struggled). In 6th grade, I worked hard, to make sure I got good grades all Bs. (Which was good for me) and they said "oh nice, your brother got all As".

I think it was at this point I realized where I stood. I was just a roommate that they had to take care of, nothing more. So as a kid, I figured that if I can't get attention for positive things, then Ill do whatever and if I get in trouble at least they would be forced to pay attention to me. (Not the brightest idea, but when you are 11-12 yrs old, what do you expect).

When I turned 18 shortly after graduating high school, I was met at the door with a bag of clothes. I was told that I had to go, that they did "their job" and I needed to leave. I asked what about my brother. They stated he was gonna be somebody as he was going to college, where I struggled in school, so clearly I was gonna be a bum.

To tell you the truth, I was ready to go anyways. I already knew how they felt, so this didn't even bother me. I grabbed my bag, my mom tried to hug me, but I ignored it and walked out the door never looking back.

It took a while, for me to get on my feet. Nowhere to go, no place to sleep, not a penny to my name. But I had some friends to rely on, at least temporarily.

Fast forward a few years and I meet my wife while I was working at a gas station. We just clicked. Few year later we got married. We built a home together, something I never really had growing up. Back in 2005 we had a baby girl and 2 years later a boy. From my perspective my life is perfect. Family, home, a great job in IT.

That was until yesterday. I received a phone call from my mom, telling me my dad passed away. And that she and the family would hope that I could make it to the funeral. Mind you, I don't know how she got my number, but probably from my brother, but I was shocked to say the least. I told her I was busy working (which I was 12 hour shifts are fun, lol) and would let her know later.

She started to say something to the affect that they missed me and would like to be a part of my life or something like that, but I hung up. (Kinda rude, I know, maybe even AHish). But from my perspective I haven't heard a word from these people in 32 years. So why would I give them anymore of my time.

I told my wife and although she knows about my family. She thought it would be the right thing to do. Seeing that my mom reached out to tell me, where she could have not told me. That they are "family" and probably feel bad and want to reconnect. (Mine you my wife has a big family, and they've always treated me like family. So her view of family is different than mine).

However as far as I'm concerned, I already "have my family". Those other people are former roommates. That I have no obligation to anyone but those who I care about and who care about me. (Wife and kids). I get it my wife loves me and is thinking of me and how I might regret not going. Just seems like they now know that dad is gone and life is short so now guilt is creeping in and they don't want to die with that guilt.

I mean do I go at the wife’s suggestion and be miserable being around people that I learned to let go of and not care about in order "look like a better person"? Or do I stay home and continue to live my life, putting my own family first and ignoring those people?

Guess asking those that have gone NC with their family if they let them back in, was it worth it? Or did it backfire in your face and something you wouldn’t ever do again or suggest to others.

Additional info. Mind you I live in Florida and they probably all still in California. So that would be a long trip and not sure worth it.

As far as my twin. We don't talk, not that we hate each other, we just walked different paths in life. I get/send the occasional Christmas card, but that's it.

Unless some miracle has happened, my mom is probably still the self-centered person she's always been. She always wanted to been seen as the good person by family and friends.

Editor’s note: OOP made lots of responses in the original post, I am listing the common questions asked and responses

Some of OOP’s Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Your mom is not reconnecting out of any kind of desire or care about you. She probably has extended family who she's hidden this from and she doesn't want to deal with questions about why you're not there, and that's probably something your wife doesn't understand about narcissists. It's never about anybody else but themselves. Whatever reason she has for contacting you, it's for her benefit, not yours.

OOP: Damn it feels like you know her, lol. I'm glad to know I'm not the only one thinking this. Thanks for commenting.

OOP on his "mother" trying to take credits and doing everything right because of his life.

OOP: Knowing her the way I did back then, you are probably 1000% right. Most people like her don't change their colors.

Is it true that because of them, I learned the hard way, sure is, but it wasn't the caring way. It was a cruel way to "teach" me.

But I'm not a better person because of them, I'm a better person in spite of them. I worked my ass off to create the family I deserved. And I'll never give credit to anyone but myself. (And the wife, lol)

Commenter 2: They neglected and emotionally abused you all your life.

Do what is best for you. Your wife can’t possibly understand.

OOP: She doesn't and think it's hard for people who come from loving homes, families to understand bad ones.

But she is coming from a place of love and for that, I'm grateful to have such a caring wife.

Commenter 3: Usually when someone who ignored you for 32 years contacts you, they want something. Your mother didn't want you, kicked you out the moment she could, and now comes calling? She probably figured out that you are doing well for yourself and wants you to do something for her or wants access to your kids. Either way, I would block the number. She is not worth it.

OOP: NGL, I've had these thoughts, too. If nothing more to save face in front of others.

As far as my kids, they've gone this long without her, so they aren't missing anything. My wife's parents and family, however, are awesome to them, spoil them too much, I think, but that could just be the Dad in me. lol

Downvoted Commenter: I wouldn’t go unless there are parts of this story you are leaving out. I am wondering how your “anger issues” presented in adolescence and childhood.

OOP: Mostly getting into fights with others at school because they would call me names of try to start fights thinking I wouldn't fight back. I by no means was a perfect kid, but in the end, I was a kid.

The story was already super long. There are other parts that made my childhood crap. Like made to think I was having a sleep over with my grandma as a surprise, just to find out later from my brother they as a "family" went to Sea World or SD Wild Animal Park or Disneyland as his reward for doing good in school.

Never showed up to my choir concerts, so I ended up giving up on that dream and quit singing. Which if they had Americans Got Talent I probably would have made it, not Won it but I was a pretty damn good singer when I was young.

Commenter 4: Your father died. Your mom probably thinks you might be good to help her financially. I would send a sympathy card and be wary of why they suddenly want you back in their lives.

Commenter 5: Th...

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Commenter 5: This was my very first thought . If you have a great life ,financially comfortable she wants in on that . Does your brother know anything about your life now like what you do for a job or if you are married with kids. Could he have clued her in on your life. What does your golden brother do now? is he married or financially stable? does he speak to your mother?

OOP: Tell you the truth, we don't really speak. We send the occasional Christmas card, maybe a happy birthday message. But nothing more than that. Again, he isn't a bad guy. We just took different paths.

The way he was treated vs me, I know he knows want right. But again, as kids you can't do much about it. I know he has a good job, married with no kids, so that might be way "mom" wants to fix things.

Commenter 6: You and I are the same age.. I know the mindset of the era we grew up in.

Lots to unpack OP, it could very well be your Dad was the ring leader in treating you like the family pariah and kicking you out. Your mom, may have not agreed but still went along (still guilty) your mom tried to hug you when you left, which tells me right there that she was not in full agreement of this decision. And she's connecting with you after your dad passed away. That tells me, he was the one who didn't want contact, not her (still guilty) it sounds like your mother wants to reconnect with you.

I personally would make the trip introduce your family to loved ones... Aunts, Uncles and other extended family who haven't seen you in years. Also hear what your mother has to say... No matter what... it still does not absolve her from guilt of the abuse you endured as a child. If you don't get an apology from her, or it seems disingenuous... don't ever talk to her again and disown them all (brother included).

It may be one of those trips you have to make to prove to your wife once and for all...that your family are truly a bunch of pricks.

OOP: LOL, Omg, that last line made me bust out laughing.

Actually their house was more of a matriarchy. Dad was a quiet kid of guy and always allowed my mom to be the boss. I guess people now a days would can him a beta or doormat, and he may have been. But he never truly stood up for me. A lot of the neglect came from her and he just stood by and let it happen.

I think her trying to hug me was her way of making it about her.

Hahahahah something called karma bitch. I thought maybe it was the dad controlling things but op confirmed it was mom moving to her next piggy bank she can get her claws in. Which is wierd she didnt go after brother. I guess she doesnt want to "sand bag her sweet boy".

Plus the holy cow levela of favoritism. They weren't even forced to share? I had to share every present with my siblings.