Rn. And sad. I ate the pork :/ i feel weird and shit. I had about 1300 calories. I have a bunch of perishables now…

Why do I always do this? :(. I was feeling good and now that progress is ruined. I want to feel like I can be out in the summer time and not like I need to hide all the time. I want to feel good about my body not like a disgusting freak. I don’t want to keep waiting til next summer next summer one summer. I know I can do this even though it’s hard.

I’ve been lying in my bed this whole time just keeping myself occupied with my phone. I have been feeling like I’ve been going into ketosis and it felt pretty f-ing good. I hate waking up everyday feeling disgusted with myself and ashamed like I have to hide from my own family because I’m so bad.

Fasting feels empathic. The longer I can maintain a fast, the more connected to others and the world I feel and have capacity to be.

I need to stop just going on my phone. I have been resting more.

I’d give the money I have to my family members to look after so I don’t impulse buy but I have in the past and it just doesn’t seem like the best option. I neeed to build proper trust with myself. I feel sooo stupid that I bought all this crap and my sister has seen it.
I don’t even want any of it. I just add stupid shit to the cart to handle cravings and now it’s here… I feel weighed down and trapped by it.

I really don’t want to f up another summer.

This consumes my whole life and energy :(

You should talk to a therapist, you obviously have some sort of body dysmorphia.

Ok

Sorry if that was too blunt. Hope you can get help and feel better. These thoughts shouldn't be running your life.

It doesn't sound like you have a healthy relationship with food. As another commenter pointed out, therapy would be a good idea. You might also want to give this a read: All foods can fit in a balanced diet

You're clearly battling some pretty nasty and fucked thoughts about yourself. That's never good mate, the perpetual self loathing gets us nowhere. But you know this, we don't choose to do it to ourselves.
You have probably heard 'seek therapy' enough, I'd like to ask though, is it accessible to you? What's the quality of care like?

Yh. It’s fairly accessible but I’m not in a place of wanting to do it.

I am a binge eater. I am mostly recovered but I do practice fasting right now to lose some weight I've gained.

If I restrict too long, it can trigger a binge. It sounds similar with what you've written here, you fasted more than a few days, and then your eyes did the shopping and you've some regret.

1300 calories is still a deficit. So, thats first. You still did a good job.

Going forward, would it be a good idea to have a very small snack while fasting? Sometimes just having an apple (or something) can help regulate your body so you dont buy the whole store up. Your body still needs nourishment.

If your goal is to go North, and you head east for a bit, doesn't mean you can't course correct and get back North facing.

You've not failed, and guilt for buying too much food, eh, is it really such a big deal? If you can't eat it all youraelf, maybe you can cook for someone else so it's not wasted.

You've not failed.
Remember the positives and what you have done. 60 hours of fasting is impressive! Celebrate that! And please, remember, your body still needs nourishment, it's okay to nourish yourself