Buy castle vania

(I got 8 eyes as a kid, which is great, buttt)

The best one

Someone didn't go to genie school

Aww 🥲 yeah

Google, Microsoft, bitcoin.

You'd be better off saying something like "sell bitcoin $125k" (we'll just assume "$125k" would count as one word). That you should then buy it when it's cheap would be implied.

Oh, sorry. Talk to her, then.

"im 18 rn"

KILL YOUR MASTERS

You're worth it

Literally talked with him in an ultra realistic dream last night. Told him to “hang in there” and then I showed him some cool tech he has to look forward to.

My egg cracked at 11, but enbys were almost entirely unknown in Texas back then so I masked so hard that I was basically living in denial. My 18yo self wouldn't need gender validation, it'll find kindred spirits for that in college, but "Colorado, not California" might push up my transition date by a decade, 'cuz my first attempt to escape Texas didn't go well.

Get to France!

Wtf do I like Mike Oldfield in the future

You deserve better.

Stop lifting weights. Your childhood injury will flare up and ruin your life for a couple years.

Stop touching yourself

2020 ruin you

Hold bitcoin decades

Buy bitcoin soon

Mom has leukemia would have been a good move

That's six words, no?

Strong.

Save your money

Point at him and say: "Gay. Invest Zoom." He'll figure it out.

It’s two words, everything else is numbers and a symbol, I’d argue I’m well within the limits of the rules to add another word if I wanted.

Invest in Apple

Buy penny Bitcoin?

Don't Get Married!

Saying it out loud you'd have to reduce it, right? But my real problem with the message is how do you know when to sell the bitcoin?

won't get better

Gey anxiety medicine

The rules were three words, no caveats, I’m choosing to be subjective with the interpretation. I’m taking the “There ain’t no rules that say a dog can’t play basketball” approach.

Buy $100 worth at $0.01, sell that at $1000, get the fuck out of dodge.

invest in bitcoin!!!!!!!

Loss dot jaypeg

Also you'll forget how to count words

You’re Demi + trans 🏳️‍⚧️
(Was always too nervous to admit it long ago)

You're 18. It's somewhere in the early 2000s and you've just graduated. You're soaking in the warm summer night air in your bed watching The Office. The world is so far away and simultaneously rushing at you at the speed of fuck. Your Blink-182 CD loops back again.

Suddenly, a bright pinprick of light bathes your dim room in an eerie blue-white glow. The light begins to grow and you realize it's undulating, like a fluid unbound by gravity as it roils in the air. You're too stunned to speak and cover your eyes at the harsh light. Your hairs stand on end and chills run along your skin. Somewhere inside, you associated such luminosity with heat, but the sphere—no, the disc, seems to be consuming the energy in the room, like some kind of ethereal whirlpool.

You gasp as a shadow moves through the shimmer. First a hand, then the upper half of what looks like a torso. The figure cocks their head as they look around the room. You can only make out their silhouette, but... they're vaguely familiar.

It's... you! They're different, a bit more worn down, perhaps, but they're unmistakably you. After a moment, your breath catches in your throat. They're older. Your mind, stunned by the absurdity of what has just occurred, finally catches up.

"You're me... from the future," you say. The statement immediately sounds stupid. Of course they are. The portal, the older you, what else could be happening. You scramble for a pen and an old school journal at your nightstand. You've fantasized about this before. You know what to do. Write down what they say and you'll be rich. No, you'll stop some horrible cataclysm. Maybe you'll keep your true love from leaving!

You turn back to yourself expectantly, anxiety causing your hand to shake on the page. You're holding your breath. Your lungs burn but you hardly can bring yourself to care.

The older you looks down at you from the swirling light.

"You are eighteen," they say with a shit-eating grin. In an instant, the light is gone. Darkness floods your room again as if nothing at all had happened. Outside your window, crickets continue to chirp. Your mind races, generations of genetically perfected pattern recognition searching for meaning in the words until you remember shitpostd about this exact scenario on 4chan.

"Oh go fuck yourself," you say, tossing aside the journal.

Don’t trust [REDACTED]

Oh I'm not a girl either.

I'm an it: a THING. :3

The big revelation i had in recent years is that although i may not know what i am, i know what I'm not.

I wasted decades living like a fish who was tricked into thinking its life's purpose was to climb trees.

I could have spared myself a great deal of inconvenience and confusion if i had realized sooner that I'm asexual and genderless because divesting of those labels has drastically reduced the discomfort of my existence in that i no longer feel bizarre self-inflicted pressure to fulfill archetypical roles toward which i never related and which I never understood in the first place.

A lot of social issues i had came from externalization of internal dysphoria. The deep, overwhelming disgust and discomfort I felt when merely even conceptualizing masculinity that purports to be 'mine', let alone any actual participation in such an identity. Being in "boy" spaces, being present for "boy" events, every stereotype and statistically emergent pattern associated with maleness, all of it--ALL OF IT--made my skin crawl.

The utter revulsion that overwhelmed me regarding masculinity spilled over into how I treated others, and that absolutely sucked. It's not their fault they had an intrinsic understanding of themselves that felt intuitive and made sense to them...

...

And also even though I don't particularly feel interested in pretending to be a girl either i know i definitely would be more comfortable in a more androgynous body. I even want bottom surgery, not for anyone else's sake but because it feels less wrong conceptually.

(Not holding my breath though)

I just sometimes think back to the 90s and wonder if i could've had more room in my head for more useful considerations if I hadn't been preoccupied with an intrinsic inability to embody societal expectations and roles that, it turns out, had nothing to do with me. If i didn't waste so much effort trying to care about something that i hated and turned out to not matter at all, goodness, i could've known myself so much better, been at least somewhat more comfortable in my own head if not in my own skin.

If future me had conveyed the message convincingly in just those three words that no good would come from struggling to participate with that miserable dead-end charade... maybe i could have better focused on things that did matter.

no I mean I am literally 18 rn 😭😭

Sell Bitcoin 2025

This tells myself to first buy Bitcoin so I have some to sell. Then gives me the year it was at the highest peak. By then I'll be intrigued and will be paying attention. I may not hit exactly March which was the highest point but I'll still be much better off.

You’re a bottom.

damn, and I thought I was original ...

I was even wondering if 2025 counts as one word for a while

Why?!

'Read this book' as I hand him a guidebook for the next decade or two.

Skip college, gormless.

I can't figure out how to prevent 9/11 in 3 words. So, I'll just say "Programming Language: Haskell".

It gets better

If this were to happen, all of you are going to completely destroy Bitcoin. Haha!

Put off college