Link: https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1rhog73/i_dont_want_my_daughter_to_spend_a_week_with_my/

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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/Choice_Evidence1983 on 2026-03-01 05:02:07+00:00.

I am NOT OOP, OOP is u/Few-Plum-7258

Originally posted to r/TrueOffMyChest

I don’t want my daughter to spend a week with my sister and BIL and it’s making everybody around me very uncomfortable.

Editor's note: made small edits for ease of readability

Thanks to u/queenlegolas for suggesting this BoRU

Trigger Warnings: choking / physical assault, grooming, obsessive behavior, manipulation, anger issues

Original post: February 18, 2026

My sister’s husband and I dated for about a year when I broke things off because I wasn’t in love with him. He didn’t take it well. The reason I didn’t love him was because (and it could all be in my head) I felt that he wasn’t what he seemed to be. Everyone was shocked that I refused such a great guy and I really couldn’t say anything because on the outside he was perfectly in love with me and cherished me. So I stayed silent because I couldn’t talk badly about him when it’s just in my guts. When he started seeing my younger sister, I felt like my gut feeling was right because why not just start over with another family. When I expressed my feelings to my sister she got defensive and I didn’t blame her because he is just a perfect gentleman.

When he proposed to her I was very desperate and bluntly asked her how he was in bed and she was very upset and called me disrespectful and disgusting. I felt so ashamed that I literally ran away in tears. All my gut feeling started when he grabbed my neck when we were intimate one day. I pushed away his hand. Next time he squeezed a little bit before letting go and since then I saw him in different light and I ended the relationship. I know it might not be a big deal but for me it gave me stomachache that the idea of him touching me made me want to faint. Anyway I didn’t handle it well when I tried to ask my sister. She just thought that I was perverse and that they’re very compatible.

My daughter is 13 and I was never together with her father because he lives abroad. I have a very cordial relationship with BIL. I am close with my sister. My sister mentioned how her husband thought my daughter looked a lot like me when she was 5 and everyone thought it was endearing. For me it just made me feel sick. Then once again he said it last summer on her birthday. I can’t put words into how I felt because what if they’re completely baseless and I am just being a moron? I am fully aware that this all could be in my head.

Now for about 3 years, my sister and BIL have invited all the cousins to their cottage to ski every winter and I have refused to send my daughter because the idea terrifies me. I don’t know what I am scared of but it becomes dark whenever I think about the way he is very calm and cordial when talking to me but like sometimes I see something dark in his eyes when he thinks I am not looking and to make such comments about my daughter that are more than normal but for me coming from him makes me want to cry.

I am just rambling here and I don’t care to proofread so maybe I missed saying how he was devastated when I broke up with him and when begging didn’t work he told me that his mistake was to have been kind to me instead of showing me how to properly respect him.

Additional Information from OOP regarding making the decision for her daughter

OOP: My daughter is very upset with me. She loves her cousins and it’s usually 10 kids her age. I tried to take the week off but I couldn’t. I thought that I would join them and rent a cottage or apartment, but I wasn’t able to. Nobody besides the adults in the family know the history. I am very sorry that my daughter feels sad.

My sister and my parents are having a very hard time understanding this. I even heard gossip that I was angry because my sister took him. But the matter of fact is that I do not blame my sister for anything. Just the fact that he went after my family solidified my belief that he is not who he pretends to be.

But it has gone 14 years now and while I really wonder how long a man can keep up a facade, I still doubt this is anything but a facade.

Editor's note: OOP has responded to many comments and shared more details that I will list

Relevant Comments

OOP explains why she didn't tell her parents about those two choking incidents and warn her sister about this

OOP: At the time it happened, I myself wasn’t sure what happened and he was confused when I talked to him after the first time. But I felt something off. His expression changed and like his eyes turned black.

The second time he grabbed my throat when he was close and didn’t let go until he finished. I didn’t confront him about it but ended the relationship instead. It took me a while to understand what I felt and why I ended the relationship but the thought of him touching me again made me terrified.

I blundered when I tried to talk to my sister about it and I felt so much shame because of how disgusted she looked at me I didn’t want to disgust my family. I felt that it was probably just me seeing these things about him

OOP on her daughter's relationships with the cousins

OOP: I love that she has very good relationship with her cousins but only under my complete supervision

Commenter 1: Absolutely insane to Choke someone without having a conversation about it first what in the pick me shit is this?

OOP: Both times, it was after he was angry with me. Maybe it was a coincidence but it always felt like it was bubbling beneath the surface.

If I am wrong then I am wrong. It doesn’t affect him since he’s happily married. If I am not wrong. My daughter is the most important to me. The whole world can hate me if it means she is protected

Commenter 2: Hmm. This is a tough situation to be in for you and your daughter. The fact that your ex thought it was ok to get with your younger sister and your younger sister getting with your ex are both weird to me. Going out with an ex of your family member is a choice, that may speak to other things going on behind the scenes in your family dynamic. I can see why you have that gut reaction, because it gave me the ick while reading it. That said, I think it is an overcorrection to react like your ex is a pedophile or child molester without evidence. If you don't trust your BIL with your daughter due to your past history, that's enough of a reason.

Your daughter is about old enough to understand your reasons if you sit down with her and have a conversation about it. At her age, it is normal to start thinking about boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, even if she doesn't actively pursue it, so I think at the very least having a conversation with her about the past history and frame it with an example of how she would feel if someone she dated started dating her cousin. Best of luck, I think you've got a good head on your shoulders and just need to mama bear this situation even if your sister gives you the cold shoulder.

OOP: I felt immense guilt about the picture I formed of him in my head and always thought that I maybe wasn’t fair to him, until he started dating my sister and I felt more sure about my feelings because no normal man does this.

I don’t necessarily believe he is a predator, but I do believe in my guts that the way he went for my sister makes me think of the way he comments about my daughter, like there’s a ground for worry since he already went after one woman who is close to me. Why would he talk about how my daughter looks like me when I know for a fact that he was obsessed with the way I look?

Commenter 3: Idk how a sister can marry someone their other sibling dated?? Like they were together for a YEAR!!! They were intimate and loved each other. Now he just hops to a different sibling and stays in the fam. Unless it was a we went on 3 dates and matched via a dating app but didn’t work out, never met the fam and weren’t intimate, then I truly don’t comprehend how anyone can do this

OOP: She is 5 years younger than me and he is very rich. She never wanted to study or work and he gave her everything. She was 20.

Commenter 4: How old was your sister when she first started dating him? It’s too many people on earth for your sister to date your ex and for your ex to date your sister. I’m even surprised you are even close to your sister. Yes it might have been years ago but not one of them have any morals. Did he date her to stay close to you? Did she date him because she was jealous when you dated him? I would have cut both of them off.

You should also be 100% worried about the comments he saying how your daughter look like you. Maybe he’s not like that but I wouldn’t take any chances with my child. Will he go after your daughter next??? Maybe not as a child but who knows if he try to groom her and try something once she turns 18.

Honestly screw both of them and tell your mom and sister you are not comfortable with your daughter around him based on the comments he says about her ...

Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1rhog73/i_dont_want_my_daughter_to_spend_a_week_with_my/

Honestly screw both of them and tell your mom and sister you are not comfortable with your daughter around him based on the comments he says about her and you don’t trust him. You might lose a sister but it’s worth it.

OOP: She was 20. I was 25 and he was 29. This was 14-15 years ago.

Thank you for understanding my comment so well. Many are misinterpreting my post as me accusing him of pdf. When my worry is his obsession with women in my life at any age

Commenter 5: What is the timeline between y’all breaking up and him starting to date your sister? That might also be another reason your gut is telling you he is not ok.

OOP: Between breaking up and him marrying my sister is a year

OOP on what the comments were mentioned from BIL

OOP: I heard that I was bitter because he went for my sister. And I heard that I regretted breaking up with him. Any attempt at explaining was perceived as me being defensive

OOP on her family liking BIL being a part of the family

OOP: They were devastated when I ended thing I guess they were happy he was back as part of the family again. Only my brother is not a big fan of his and it helped me a lot to have him in my corner when I ended the relationship. Tbh I probably wouldn’t have been able to do it if I didn’t have his support. I would probably have caved and taken him back. We grew up very poor so a man like him looking at someone like me was like winning a lottery for my family

OOP on a past experience with BIL regarding gifts

OOP: When my daughter was 5, he gave her a very expensive gift on her birthday. It totally broke me because my sister was so proud to help us and I couldn’t hurt her by refusing while his comment was that he could have been her father. Nobody thought it was an odd comment because everyone thought since my daughters father wasn’t in the picture he was right. Family helped each other. Then I heard that he commented about her looking like me. Idk. It just gave me the heebie jeebies without anything solid to pinpoint.

I don’t think I have ever spoken more than a few words with him alone since they got married but the few times it was always some weird comments about my relationships and my daughter not having a father. I always run away when I find myself alone with him because I feel like his demeanor and posture literally change when people are not around. I don’t know how to explain it or be believed about it

Ok this is one example of why every nerve in my body went numb and if I said it out loud people would call me mad and maybe I am:

My daughter’s 13th birthday. He commented on how she looks the spitting image of me and that the father’s genes must’ve been weak. It was one of his jokes that everyone laughed at but then he told me she has your eyes and looked straight at me while saying it. I looked away but I still felt his smirk. When we dated he used to say that he could ”cum” only by me looking at him because of my eyes.

If I told anyone ANYONE, my BIL said my daughter has my eyes, nobody would bat an eye because that’s a common thing to say.

But for me I started obsessively overthinking. Is it just a common thing to comment like any other person or did he mean it like the first thing that popped into my head about how he felt about me when we were together? I think I am going mad

Update: February 22, 2026 (four days later)

Update: I don’t want my daughter to spend a week with my sister and BIL

Hi! I will not repeat my post. It is further down in this sub.

This is just an update. Thank you very much for the support and I feel much safer in my decision and in trusting myself.

My daughter is still a bit down, but she understands that I am worried about her and that I am not doing this out of malice. She also knows that I tried my best to get the week off without success. She made me promise to do something for her and her cousins soon and to prepare better next year to be able to take vacation days to follow her.

My brother was over today for dinner, and it seems like he understood where I was coming from. I was very honest with him about not trusting BIL. I asked him what the talk was in the family and he said that BIL was livid saying “who does she think she is? Does she think her daughter is better than us?” And the rest of the family echoing his sentiment. He asked me if it was BIL that was the reason and I said yes. He just nodded like he knew. I asked him how my sister was. She never confides in me anymore and he said that he isn’t surprised. Her husband is very strict with her and the children but he said that there’s no abuse, not physical anyway, he said and shook his head. He told me that he was able to take Thursday and Friday off and if I wanted, he could take my daughter to spend the last 4 days with her cousins under his supervision. I told him that I would think about it. I was very happy that he wanted to do this for me. I explained to him that I didn’t trust BIL after he went after my little sister, and I have fear, maybe irrational that he is going after my daughter now she is nearing adulthood. He said that he understood. I actually started crying because I have never been able to talk about my feelings because I was scared to lose my family. He said he never loved or trusted him for the same reasons and that with time he understood his feelings were valid. I told him that I feel guilty not to have warned my sister about him and he said that she would not have listened anyway. Then he said that I have warned her several times and that’s why she distanced herself and never confided in me again. He said that BIL convinced her that I was jealous of her. They all know, he said. I started crying even more.

Then I talked to my daughter and asked her about him. She said that she doesn’t really like him because he is always angry and short tempered. He has, however, told her that she’s becoming as beautiful as her mother was and that he used to be with me so he’s basically like her father if she wanted anything. He promised her a car when she graduated high school and asked her what kind of car she liked and she said that she didn’t like cars. He also told her that his nephews would probably find her very beautiful (he has two teenage nephews). I kept my calm and asked her why she didn’t tell me any of this. She looked confused and said that because she didn’t want a car or be friends with his nephews. I asked her if he ever hugged or kissed her or touched her and she said no. I told her that she could talk to me about these things moving forward and she cheerfully agreed and apologized for forgetting to tell me because she already said no thank you.

So this is my update. I am very devastated, but I don’t want to scare my daughter, but I want to never see my sister or her family again and this time I don’t care what my family says anymore.

Relevant Comments

Commenter 1: Bravo mom. You may not want to scare your daughter, but you must arm her against him.

She needs skills to deal with him, and other predators she may encounter.

OOP: Since he brought up the fact that we used to date, I can explain more about what happened as opposed to before when I wasn’t sure how much to tell her and when

Commenter 2: I think you need to be more blunt with your brother. That the guy hurt you during sex repeatedly, you are horrified of him because of this, he makes comments about how your daughter is just like you, you are afraid he will hurt her or try to have sex with her.

It will tell your brother what to watch for, because it is very different from the abstract "I don't trust my BIL". And your brother seems to be an observant levelheaded man, maybe he will have some ideas on how to navigate it.

OOP: I will have a lunch with him on Wednesday, and I will tell him what my daughter and I talked about, and I will tell him the truth

Commenter 3: How is your financial situation? Asking to see if you should be worried your daughter will say yes next time when it’s something she’s interested in, unlike the car

OOP: Her father send us, so she doesn’t want for anything, but we are not well off.

This is something we will need to talk about. She already knows about grooming and predators and not accepting gifts from strangers (or family) she is very alert about this

DO NOT COMMENT IN LINKED POSTS OR MESSAGE OOPs – BoRU Rule #7

THIS IS A REPOST SUB - I AM NOT OOP

Op biggest mistake is not being open about all of this. She should have told the familyhe was abusive upfront in the beginning. I wouldnt be suprised if sister is angry at her for not telling her the truth before she got involved. Daughter is old enough to know not trust the that side of the family.

Lol the does she thinks she better than us part makes me laugh. The sister took op ex that makes me think she thinks she is better than op and needs to prove it. Op being away is hurting both of them and its hilarious because this is what they signed up for.