Link: https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1rjgdlj/final_update_aita_for_uninviting_my_dads_wife/

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The original was posted on /r/bestofredditorupdates by /u/LucyAriaRose on 2026-03-03 05:00:04+00:00.

I am still NOT the Original Poster. That is still PartyCostume_Throwa. They posted in r/AITAH and r/Redditor_Updates

Previous BORU here. **New Update marked with *******

Thanks to u/BakingGiraffeBakes and u/Direct-Caterpillar77 for letting me know about the update!

Mood Spoiler: weird and frustrating but OOP and kids are ok

Original Post: January 5, 2026

Title: AITA for uninviting my dad's wife from my daughter's birthday party over something she did last year?

I don’t usually turn to the internet for advice, but I feel like my situation is specific enough that my friends can’t help me much.

For context, my dad has been with “Cathy” for a little under 15 years. She’s technically his third wife, so she’s always been very insecure about her place in his family, which has unfortunately led her to become very needy and histrionic.

My daughter is turning 6 in February, and we’re planning her birthday party. Last year, my husband and I threw her a Cinderella themed party at our place. My dad showed up without Cathy, who had claimed to be sick. It didn’t bother me, but I remember feeling something was off.

Near the end of the party, Cathy showed up in a Cinderella costume. She was acting in character and trying to interact with the kids. Neither me nor my husband had been informed she’d be doing that. At most, she’d asked me whether we were hiring any party performers a few weeks prior. I later found out she’d been planning to “surprise” my daughter and bought the costume the day she found out what the theme would be.

My husband and I are still positive Cathy did this for attention. It didn’t really work (my daughter recognized her immediately), but it did disrupt things a little, because she did this around the time the kids were eating cake and some of the parents were getting ready to leave. We managed to sort things out, but it took some time and we still had to deal with a dozen confused preschoolers.

It was a great party besides that and our daughter enjoyed herself, which is what matters most, but my husband and I asked Cathy not to do this again. She agreed and apologized.

I’m pretty sure she’s planning on doing it again. We spent a lot of time with my paternal family during the Holidays, and I noticed Cathy was bringing up “Cinderella’s” appearance at the party very frequently. She was reminiscing, showing pictures and talking about what she’d do differently. She didn’t talk to my kids about it much, but she did ask my daughter what theme she wanted for her party this year, and how she’d feel if one of the characters showed up.

I really don’t want to have to deal with this "surprise" again, especially if it comes with no warning like last time. We’re also throwing this year’s party at a venue, not at home, meaning we have a time slot to abide by.

My husband and I spoke to Cathy about our concerns. She didn’t say she was planning on showing up in costume, but she kept insisting that if she did, the kids would love it and it could be fun. We tried to make her promise she wouldn’t do it, but she kept dodging it and claiming she didn’t see the problem. Finally, we told her it would be best that she didn’t come at all. She can join us for the dinner we’re having afterwards, but not the actual party.

Now she’s upset and my dad is angry at us. He firmly believes we’re being paranoid and dramatic. I’m worried we’re going too far, but I’m almost certain she is indeed planning on doing it again and I don’t want to risk having problems at the party.

AITA?

Some of OOP's Comments:

Lucky-Effective-1564: (Top Comment) NTA. But you could tell her you're having a "Chewbacca party" and see what happens.

OOP: LOL I might just do that on my own birthday.

samse15: This is one of those questions that could go either way…

One the one hand, you’re totally right to have your boundaries and it’s weird that she’s trying to not only surprise your daughter, but also to surprise you. Why is she so obsessed with being a Disney princess?

On the other hand, everything from you feels like a bit of an overreaction because it’s … just a princess costume…? Unless you’re getting creepy child predator vibes from her, she seems like she’s just trying to do something fun for the kids. Maybe it was awkward because you made it awkward? But is it generally harmless?

I don’t know this lady, and I guess my judgement of the situation would depend on her actions outside of this. Does she frequently cross boundaries? Is she generally liked by your kids? Does she treat them well? Those kinds of things.

OOP: I think that's a fair assessment. I don't really care about the awkwardness potential, I care about it being done with no prior warning. There was a little girl at the party last year who started crying because she and her parents had to leave, but Cinderella had just arrived. I'm having this event thrown, so I want to know what will happen, especially this year.

She's not very respectful of boundaries, but not the worst case in my family. She's the kind of person who does what she thinks other people should like instead of what they actually want. The kids like her, but don't love her.

Why OOP has an issue:

OOP: The problem is more of a time (and child) managing thing than anything else. If me, my husband and the venue aren't aware, we can't control it, and it's difficult to manage these things with so many young kids around. We can't stay there after our time slot, so I don't want to risk anything being delayed. It's also very annoying in general (if I wanted a performer, I'd hire one), but I'm more worried about the lack of warning.

To another commenter:

It's still a distraction that can derail things. I also have no way to guarantee she'll show up at an appropriate time ("Cinderella" literally interrupted cake time last year).

Select-Negotiation87: NTA. But omg lmaoo!! Tell her this year’s theme is The Hunchback of Notre Dame.

OOP: We've made it very clear that this is more difficult to manage than it seems, but she refuses to accept it. She sadly already knows the theme will be Kpop Demon Hunters this year.

Maybe she just wants to help:

She could help me set up party favors or write invitations, but she doesn't want to do that. She wants to be the entertainment.

Be more blunt/direct:

I feel like it's hard to be as blunt as we're being now. We've told her, multiple times in several different ways, not to show up in a costume. She's not outright admitting she's planning on trying again, but she keeps dodging it and saying she's sure the kids will love it.

And for the record, my kids didn't really like it last year. Again, my daughter recognized her right away.

Why is Cathy doing this:

I genuinely think this is because of her insecurities. She's the younger third wife who showed up when her husband's children were grown and his family was sick of caring about his relationship history, so she tries to take whatever chance she gets to assert herself as part of the family.

As my husband puts it, Cathy acts like she's "allergic to not having eyes and ears on her." She's been like this for as long as she's been around, but it gets worse and more ridiculous as time goes by. It's been especially bad since I had kids.

There is no consensus bot on AITAH, but most comments were NTA

Update Post: January 10, 2026 (5 days later)

So, I have a love/hate relationship with being right. My dad called me two days after I posted. There’s a purple wig at his place that is styled suspiciously similar to Rumi from Kpop Demon Hunters. He opened Cathy’s mail thinking it was his and found it. The costume itself is set to arrive in about a week. She wasn’t planning on telling him about either.

He’s claiming they fought, because neither the costume nor the wig were cheap, but he also felt the need to tell me she’d been watching the movie repeatedly to “study,” and that she cares so much, and that isn’t it sweet how much Cathy loves my kids and maybe my daughter would like it this time. That was all I heard before I went to look for a pillow to scream into.

I’m done. This made me a lot angrier than it should have, but it isn’t the first time someone in my family decides my plans and the effort I put in don’t mean shit. And if I can’t even plan my own child’s birthday party without someone trying to butt in, I don’t have to feel bad about drawing the line.

Cathy is officially banned from the party. My husband and I have alerted the venue that we didn’t hire any character performers, and if any caucasian-looking Korean pop star shows up they must tell her to go home. We also gave them a picture of her. They basically told us they can’t let anyone who’s not o...

Content cut off. Read original on https://old.reddit.com/r/BestofRedditorUpdates/comments/1rjgdlj/final_update_aita_for_uninviting_my_dads_wife/

Cathy is officially banned from the party. My husband and I have alerted the venue that we didn’t hire any character performers, and if any caucasian-looking Korean pop star shows up they must tell her to go home. We also gave them a picture of her. They basically told us they can’t let anyone who’s not on the guest list inside anyway, so she won't be allowed. I feel horrible about making them deal with my family drama, but at least that’s one less thing to worry about.

My dad and I did fight about this, but I put my foot down. He kept arguing that it wouldn’t be a big deal if I “just let Cathy have this.” I told him that’s not the point. If he’s not the one who’s going to have to manage the situation, he doesn’t get to tell me how hard it is to do it.

In the end, this is what we settled on: my dad can come to the birthday party as long as Cathy doesn’t tag along. If she does, they’re both out. Both of them can still join us for dinner later.

I’m also thinking about lowering my contact with both my dad and Cathy. I love my dad, but no headache is worth this. I want to wait until I’m calmer to work out the details.

I want to thank everyone. I’ve got a lot going on in my life and my therapist is on vacation, so it feels good to rant about this. But for my own sanity, I’m going to focus on relaxing for the next couple of weeks. I already feel much lighter knowing this is over.

Some of OOP's Comments:

SarahSecressts: The dad trying to frame her studying a movie to hijack a toddler's party as sweet instead of unhinged is some world-class enabling

OOP: Happens a lot, even when he disagrees with her.

Valuable-Job-7956: You know she’ll show up for dinner in costume right

OOP: It's not the same thing. If she shows up in costume at a party full of small kids without warning, it's easy for history to repeat itself. If she shows up in costume at a restaurant in which the only children present will be family and there wouldn't be any real excuse for a character performer to be there, at worst she embarrasses herself.

When several comments say she will show up anyway:

Cathy will not be allowed inside the venue, costume or not. If my dad shows up with her, she will still be asked to leave (and I won't let him in either).
To another commenter:
She can't be allowed inside the venue without being on the guest list. They know who she is and what she looks like, so it doesn't matter whether she's in costume or not. There is 0 chance Cathy is coming to the party. [...]

Pumpkin_Witch13: I was a character performer and this is WILD. There's a reason why we're scheduled and reasons why we're hired. The odds that Cathy can sound and look both like Cinderella from Disney and a Kpop demon hunter is just wild. And she's like what, 50, 60 too? I don't mean to be judgemental but kids can tell something might not be right if Cinderella went from being (18?) to 58. The most important rule to being a performer is doing NOTHING that would break the facade that the character is real

OOP: Exactly! I have a friend who used to be a party princess, and she cringed when I told her what happened.
Cathy is in her 40s. She does look younger, but not enough to pass as these characters. When she dressed as Cinderella last year, she didn't wear a wig (she's blonde) and wore the same makeup she always wears, so there was no chance my daughter wouldn't have recognized her.

***** New Update *****
*****Update Post 2: February 24, 2026 (1.5 months later)*****

Title: Final Update: AITAH for uninviting my dad's wife from my daughter's birthday party over something she did last year?

I said I wouldn’t update again unless something happened, so you guys can probably guess why I’m back. This might get long.

I’ll go ahead and say nothing happened at the party itself. It happened on Saturday, and everything went perfectly fine. My daughter loved it, the kids had fun and we had no problems with the venue. Cathy did not try to come, nor did my dad try to convince me to reinvite her. I had expected him to sulk through the party, but he actually did pretty well.

And then we went to the birthday dinner. My dad and Cathy were running so late that the food arrived around the same time they did. Cathy was dressed as Rumi (wig and jacket). My dad was refusing to make eye contact with anyone, very obviously embarrassed.

The kids saw them before we did. I knew there was a chance she’d come to the restaurant in costume, but I was more concerned she’d do it at the party. My husband and I had agreed that we wouldn’t make a scene in front of the kids, but would step in if things got out of hand.

It was very awkward. The kids (five in total, including my three) mostly ignored her. They recognized Cathy and called her by her name, which upset her. They were also not amused by the way she kept trying to get their attention, because she was trying to get them to interact with her while they were either talking to each other or trying to eat.

I told Cathy to leave them alone when she started trying to pull my daughter’s hand away from her food so they could get up and dance together. She sat there silent for a few minutes before leaving to go to the bathroom. Then she texted my dad that she wasn’t feeling well, and they left.

In the end, they stayed for less than 20 minutes. People were staring, but that’s not something I tend to care about. Besides the few times I cringed (Cathy asked the waitress if they had ramyeon at Johnny Rockets), nothing too chaotic happened. [Editor's note: according to Google, Johnny Rockets is known for burgers, shakes and fries. I don't get the feeling that they have ramen]

Still, I regret not telling her to leave. My husband handled bedtime that night, and our daughter asked him whether it was okay if she didn't like Cathy. She also asked my husband not to tell me that at first, because she didn’t want to upset me.

The three of us ended up talking on Sunday. Our daughter basically said she was upset that Cathy was bothering her and being pushy during the dinner, and she was worried that the kids at the table next to us were “looking at her funny” because of what was going on.

I’m exhausted, and I feel like shit like this happens way too often. It’s perfectly fine for them to do what they want as long as I’m the one dealing with the consequences. More than anything, I refuse to let my children be treated this way too. I genuinely don’t understand why Cathy insists on behaving like this, but I shouldn’t have to worry about whether a grown woman will listen to me when I tell her not to do something at my child's party.

A few hours after the talk with my daughter, the kids went out with my mom. I took the opportunity to call my dad and Cathy, and told them she is no longer welcome at any of my children’s events. We had an interesting argument, during which Cathy said I had “humiliated” her when I told her to leave my daughter alone, and she couldn’t understand why I was doing this when she was willing to go this far to make my kids happy.

My dad and I talked again later that night, without her. He was still defending Cathy, but admitted he was embarrassed when she insisted on wearing the costume (apparently, that was the reason they were late to the dinner). I told him my decision was final, and if he ever tried to bring Cathy to an event she isn’t invited to, they would both be told to leave.

We’re not officially cutting ties, but my husband and I will make an effort to spend less time with Cathy moving forward. That will probably include lowering our contact with my dad as well, but the more I think about it, the more I realize that might actually help our relationship.

In the end, Cathy’s shenanigan aside, my daughter really enjoyed her birthday. That’s all that really matters.

I, once again, want to thank everyone. This is my last post.

Some of OOP's Comments:

toospicy4thepepper3: [...] Have you told your dad about what your kids said about it? I think if he knows he'll see that Cathy is doing this only for her sake, not the kids since they didn't like it either.

OOP: I decided not to. I know that if I did, Cathy would fixate on my daughter whenever we saw each other. I didn't want to risk her making my daughter feel suffocated in the future. I don't want my daughter to dislike Cathy (and for all I know, she might completely forget about this in a few months), but her comfort comes first.
My dad (and everyone else who was at the dinner) did agree that it was very obvious the kids didn't like it.
To another commenter:
Another big reason why I'm not telling my dad and Cathy. I don't really see any way of telling them that doesn't put an even bigger target on my daughter's back. She told me and my husband that in private, they don't need to know about it.
OOP adds:
I say she might forget because she's six. I have to be realistic here. But if she does remember this and decide she still doesn't like Cathy when she's older, she'll be well within her rights to.

RanaEire: I have to say that going by your very first post re. Cathy dressing up as Cinderella towards the end of the party at home, I thought you were over-reacting, OP.

Having read all your posts, and with the mention that people tend to interfere in your events, I can totally understand your annoyance... [...]

OOP: Yeah, that was a relatively fair assessment with the amount of detail I gave at first. It's not really just events, there are several areas of my life that people keep trying to butt in. I wasn't allowed boundaries for a while in my youth, and I still have problems related to that with some of my loved ones. [...]

PeppermintEvilButler: There is something seriously mentally unwell with that woman. And your father is an asshole for continuing to encourage it, because by allowing her to leave the house and go out this way is encouraging her behavior.

OOP: My dad said they were late to the dinner because they had a fight over it. She put on the costume and refused to take it off. They argued until he "gave up" and they left for the dinner. None of that surprises me.

Cathy's problem:

I can't discard anything, but I genuinely think this is more related to her insecurities than anything else. Cathy has been extremely pushy with my paternal family since the start of their relationship. None of us have a close family bond with her, and that clearly gets to her. She's also jealous of my mom (who was my dad's first wife) for a number of reasons, and that got even more obvious when I had my first child.

Is it just OOP's daughter:

I don't think she's obsessed with my daughter or my kids specifically. She behaves in similar fashion with most of my paternal family, it's just worse around all the children. My cousin thinks it's because of the way they react to these things.

No chance dad is getting through to stepmother. Op going to have make changes.