they don't have to wipe

Tell that to the dog named Oliver who lives with me...I swear that guy will take like 5 to 7 minutes some days...sheesh

Look, it's not a race, okay?

But if it were, I lost.

Tell that to Ron from Accounting

They don't have doom to scroll

I need more fiber in my diet :\

Be careful with that shit, it's powerful magic.

When everything is working as it should, it doesn't take me much longer. That's a rare day, though.

I mean, you don’t HAVE to wipe!

Don't you dare tell my boss that. Don't take my time away from me!!

Or check the lemmings. ... Slightly awkward

I make a nickel
Boss makes a dime
I go poo poo
On the company’s time

!lemmyshitpost@lemmy.world

I always told my teachers that I'm way above average but they never believed me....

VINDICATION!!

Im jealous

Nah, go hog wild on it. Eat an entire box of high fiber cereal and then go do naked jumping jacks.

Two to four words:
sugarfree gummibears

Not if you do a deep enough squat!

There was a very unholy good review website about 15 years ago. The author had a lengthy and vivid description of their experiences after eating way too many of these. It was so disturbing, I never actually ate sugarfree gummies myself

Fiber regulates, sugar free... lets things free.

Why wipe? Shitting yourself is the new path to power in 2026.

12 seconds to poop, sure, if you don't count all the time for bathroom clean up, a shower, laundry, etc...

Prewipe, that’s about right.

I get enough fiber

Poop any% speedrun?

Or you could get some helping hands to spread those cheeks further

I'm afraid to ask, but just how the fuck do you poop exactly? Do you helicopter poop it hippo style in the middle of the bathroom?

They can also just take a dump where ever they stand

I tend to wait till i can get to a restroom

Fun fact, can fiber cause constipation

You can try a no fiber diet.. you will see fiber required

if it were, I lost.

Same. Intentionally. I need some me time sometimes.

I can do half by having dragon fruit last night. I swear that thing is an artifect of poop god.

I'm pretty high above average then. 😤

They don't have Wi-Fi

TIL I am an extreme outlier.

I just stand in the shower and drag my fingers through mud valley then waffle stomp the rest down the drain.

Today I learned that I am well above average.

12 seconds? I struggle to finish in 12 minutes.

Damn IBS.

Taco Bell: Hold my taco...

My name is Constipation Georg and I live in a cave and take 12 hours to poop per day and I am an outlier and should not be counted in the averaged data

You'll save a lot of laundry time if you pull your pants down before pooping.

Not dogs though. If they don't work hard to find the perfect pooping spot, they ain't pooping.

TIL I’m an average mammal.

It does have a lot of fiber but you also might be allergic to it.

https://open.substack.com/pub/naturespharmacy/p/does-yellow-dragon-fruit-cause-diarrhea

Is it longer if there is a dog staring at them the whole time?

I feel sorry for the person(s) that had to watch in order to know this.

Thank you for giving me the giggles.

It’s survival on the plains. You didn’t loose the race, you got eaten by a lion

Boss makes a dollar,

I make a dime.

12 seconds to shit?

Not near enough time.

Tonight's news, Amazon limit on bathroom break for 12 seconds based on this study.

My name is Low Sleep Stress Coffee Cream Cheese Shit Hubert, and I live in a cave, and take 12 seconds to poop and 11 hours 59 minutes 48 seconds to wipe per working day and I am an outlier and should not be counted in the averaged data.